Experimenting with "future name" and "future gender" this weekend

[Asche]

This weekend the kids and I'll be away at a work weekend at a place we've often gone to and where we know a lot of the families that attend regularly.  It's actually more of a social event and family event where the activities are work projects.

Anyway, I'm thinking that during the gathering circle Friday night where we all introduce ourselves I'll introduce myself with what I'll call my "future name" and ask that people who are willing start calling me by that name so I can get used to hearing it.  It's still nine months before my anticipated "go full time" date, but I figure I'd better get started with some small steps.

It's a pretty liberal crowd and I've never gotten any flak for my nonstandard way of dressing (dresses and skirts), so I have no real reason to suppose anyone will give me too hard a time, but I'm still afraid.  It's one more step outside my comfort zone.  (Actually, I'm not sure my comfort zone and I are on the same continent, but I know it's only going to get worse.)  I've heard too many horror stories, and I've lived through too many horror stories in the past.

So, wish me luck!

[Dena]

I don't know but with a crowd like that I think you introduction should go something like this.

In the past you may have noticed I dress a little different. I have been meaning to tell you about that. I am transgender and would now like to use a name that's a bit more feminine.

[Ms Grace]

Yes, if they are liberal and open minded you might as well spill the beans on being trans if you're going to ask them to call you by a future more feminine name. Asking for the latter without revealing the former is likely to generate gossip and only be more uncomfortable in the long run.

[Tessa James]

Good for you and all the best luck my dear.  We do mange to take tentative steps before we run off with the dream come true and happy endings.

How wonderful that families are involved.   Give em the old brave and bold and be ready for approval and support to come your way.  Its your turn;)

Now before you explain non binary to them.....just kidding

[Asche]

I don't know but with a crowd like that I think you introduction should go something like this.

What I called "introductions" are actually what they call a "name whip."  Whoever is leading at the time will say something like, "let's go around the room and say your name and your favorite ice cream."  So whatever I say kind of needs to be short and sweet.  But I'll be talking to the organizers before then, anyway, and I'll get their advice then.  We might end up doing it differently.  One way or the other, I'm confident the folks there will get the message.

For me, it's as much about the "internal transition" as anything else.  I'm having as much trouble getting used to just the idea of being seen as and treated as a woman as the people around me are likely to have getting used to treating me as one.  Maybe more.  (I do not deal well with change.  Or with being visible, for that matter.)

Oh, well.  I came out at my church two weeks ago, and it was both more and less than I expected.  But mostly less.  I suspect it will be much the same here.

[suzifrommd]

Wear your new identity proudly! Seize it and claim it! It is rightfully yours, and nobody else gets anything to say about it.

[Asche]

I just got back.

It went fine, no drama at all.  Some people had already figured it out, based on some things I'd mentioned at the last family session (New Year's.)  Mostly, the reaction was, "good for you."  A few people asked about my transition and we had some nice moderately deep conversations.  Some people managed to always call me by my future name, including some people who I hadn't expected to pay much attention to it.  With the rest, it was mixed, and from what I could see what misnaming there was was inadvertent.   Keep in mind, this was a work weekend, so people were running around finding and doing work projects, plus they were trying to sing Handel's Messiah with whoever showed up to sing.  So they had bigger things on their mind than me trying out a new name.

But each time someone addressed me as "<new name>", it was a pleasant jolt.  I'm definitely not at all used to hearing it, but each time I do, it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling that my new sense of who I am is being validated.  It's like everyone else is having an easier time getting used to it than I am.

Since there were a few teen-agers there, I got to thinking about how they say that when we do HRT, it's like a second puberty.  Well I now think that, even aside from the hormones, it's a lot like a second teen-ager-hood.  My whole sense of who I am is getting up-ended, I'm insecure about almost everything, and my emotions are going everywhere.

We got home about an hour ago, and as I was ferrying stuff from the car to the apartment, one of my neighbors called me by my old name (the one that I still use most places), and I felt so disappointed.  Especially since they're really nice neighbors and I'm sure if I ever came out to them they'd be supportive and do their best to call me by my preferred name.

I guess I'm getting to that super-uncomfortable place where I'm still scared to go forward but I realize I can't go back.  It's like getting 20 meters down a ski slope and suddenly realizing what they mean when they rate a ski slope double diamond.

[suzifrommd]

Congratulations Asche.

I totally get what you mean about the double-black-diamond. That was the scary part of wetting my toes in part time living. I knew then that I couldn't stay the way I was.

But each time someone addressed me as "<new name>", it was a pleasant jolt.

I remember early on, before I had even picked a female name, or even thought seriously about transitioning, hearing a trans woman talk about how when she heard her female name it was like music.

I remember thinking to myself that if I had a female name, that it would sound like music to me too if someone used it. It was one of the motivators to transition.

So are we going to see a forum name change request sometime soon...?

[Asche]

I remember thinking to myself that if I had a female name, that it would sound like music to me too if someone used it.

For me, it's not so much music as a sense that in what I thought was a solid stone prison wall there's a door that's opening.

I remember the first time I got that little jolt:  a few years ago, on a blog far away, someone responding to a comment of mine use "she" to refer to me.  My screen name didn't indicate any gender (just my initials), so it suddenly felt like someone was gendering me female just from how and what I was writing, without my making any effort to sound female or to imply that I was a woman.

It was like I heard I was being pardoned or exonerated.  Still in prison, but now it's only a matter of time.

So are we going to see a forum name change request sometime soon...?

Neither my old nor my future name are "Asche," so, no.

My reasons for using a pseudonym won't change when I transition.

[KathyLauren]

So glad the weekend went well for you!

To continue the double black diamond analogy, just don't think about falling.  If you think of it, you will.  Picture yourself taking the run with grace and style and finishing it with a smile on your face, and you will.