Hi, I am new here and this is the only place I could have come to for advice. I will try to write as objectively as possible. Please, I need your advice.
I am a closeted cis lesbian. I come from a very conservative family and culture where LGBT issues are not only shunned but are completely avoided. I do have some level of dysphoria where I've felt that my life would have been better if I was born male, however, I do not have a desire or interest in transitioning or changing my current body.
A few weeks ago, I met this trans woman (pre-op) on a trans dating site. Let's call her Sarah. I was looking friends and she was looking for love. We started talking and hit it off pretty quickly. What drew me to her profile was that she talked about honesty and open communication being very important in the relationship that she was seeking. She also talked about being loyal and never cheating. She wanted someone to be in charge but also treat her as an equal. These are also qualities that I value in a partner and before we knew it, we were already talking commitment and possible relationship.
I am also anemic (iron deficiency) and disclosed this to Sarah. Sarah is vegan and has an aversion to eating meat and thought it would be best for me to find plant sources to raise my iron levels. She suggested a few ideas and I really thought that Sarah cared about me as she seemed to care about my health.
As we kept talking, I found out the following about Sarah:
1. Sarah is currently unemployed and gets checks monthly (less than $1,000) through the VA due to her depression.
2. Sarah has a roommate (Jennie). They met over a year ago. They were living with Jennie's friends until they both got kicked out by Jennie's friends. Sarah would not disclose the reason why they were kicked out.
3. Jennie is a non-op trans woman and works for an online customer service company and makes a little over $1,000 a month.
4. Sarah and Jennie found an abandoned two bed room apartment (no toilet, stove, running water, mold, holes and mice). Instead of renovating the apartment, the owner of the building decided to let them live in for free until they could save enough and move out.
5. Sarah has no family. They cut her off and she cut them off for being trans. Sarah has lived as a woman for the past eight years. She dresses as a woman, but has not done any surgeries and only went on HRT about 6 months ago. Jennie also had a falling out with her family, however, is slowly trying to reconcile with her parents.
6. Sarah dated many people in the past (male and female) and has a son, whose mother would not let near Sarah.
7. Sarah and Jennie only have one bed and they sleep together and have sex occasionally, however,according to Sarah they are not in a relationship.They are FWBs. Jennie has a girl that she likes and is trying to pursue.
8. Sarah wants to do SRS, calls herself a bottom and doesn't like to use her penis for penetration.
After we discussed the possibility of a relationship between us (we even went as far as discussing marriage and children):
1. Sarah changed her profile from looking for love to looking for friends and stopped HRT (to preserve semen for the kids). Yet our conversations shifted from talking about my health or trans issues to talking about sex. Sarah would text me during the day about how she anticipates having sex with me, feeling me and having kids together. Most of the time, we only talked about sex and pegging.
2. Sarah said that she told Jennie that she would stop having sex with Jennie and Jennie was very surprised to hear that considering Sarah's sexual nature.
3. Sarah and Jennie argue constantly and this is also what 50% of our conversation is about. They argue because Jennie eats meat and Sarah is vegan.
4.Sarah plans to move in with me in four months, but constantly complains about how hard it would be for her with no sex during those four months.
5. Sarah also always complains that nobody wants her and that she's depressed.
Lately we have not been seeing eye to eye.
1. I found out that if we get married, Sarah's SRS could be covered through my medical insurance. She could also receive electrolysis, access to a therapist and a lifetime supply of hormones. Yet, when we talk, Sarah only mentions how Jennie doesn't want to be her friend and how Jennie keeps Sarah at arm's length. How Sarah feels left out when Jennie is with her other female friends.
2. Sarah says that since we're not yet together and since we are so far apart (we live in different states), that it may be hard to not have sex with Jennie before she moves in with me. She can also understand if I wanted to explore with other people before we became committed. Yet, when I don't call, she resents me for it and feels that I might leave her.
3. I told Sarah that I did not have an interest in pursuing other people. Although I understand the situation because of her sexual urges, I would be happy if she did not have sex with Jennie. Sarah then tells me that she will not tell me if they had sex because it bothers me and that I shouldn't ask if they still have sex if bothers me.
4. Sarah has an issue with abortion and says that if it came between me and the baby, she would choose our unborn child over me.
5. Also because my family is conservative, I asked Sarah to de-transition during our wedding only for that day. I apologized as I know how hard this must be for her. I promised that we would have our own wedding where we were both ourselves. After the wedding, our private life was going to be our business and even if we did not have support from my family afterwards it was going to be fine as long as we were there for each other.
4. Sarah then flipped on the phone and said she would be pissed if my family called her by her dead name and that I have the wrong impression about her depression.
I ended things amicably and cut contact. Did I overreact? Could it ever work between Sarah and I?
