Is coming out to someone by text a really bad idea?

[Peep]

I'm expecting the short answer to be 'yes' but...

I have 4 brothers, aged between 9 and 27, one older, three younger. One of the younger ones (he's 21) knows already (although I was really quite drunk when I told him so I do have to go back and have a sober convo, but that's another issue...) But my older brother is the one i feel really needs to know next, as I'm moving forward with some work things (I'm an artist) under my new name, there's a (long shot) chance i might out myself that way, and I feel like that's pretty careless.

So i need to talk the talk first BUT I barely ever see my older brother, I don't phone him, or text him often at all, and I don't know when I'll next have a face-to-face conversation with him that's not a family birthday (which I don't want to hijack with my issues). I thought I would write a text because i feel like if someone phoned me to speak about this kind of thing i'd feel really pressured and put on the spot. Is this the right direction or not?

He lives in a different city from me and I don't drive so arranging a meet up isn't on the table (and he almost actively avoids coming home so)

I feel it's pretty unlikely that my work stuff will filter back to him - should i just take the risk and wait?

[Ms Grace]

I'd suggest a phone call. I don't see my brother hardly at all and most of our exchanges were text or email but I still called to tell him I was trans.

[Peep]

I'm not really sure I can actually do that, I get pretty anxious on the phone, even with my own family. The truth is that we don't know each other as adults. He moved out over a decade ago and still treats me like I'm 15.

[Ms Grace]

Here's your chance to show him you're an adult, all grown up and strong and able to speak up for yourself.

[Dena]

The more courage you show, the more effective your delivery will be. It's best to do it in person and second best would be with a phone call. Next would be a well crafted letter followed by a well crafted Email. Text would be the bottom of the list because all of the short hand and length limitations can make it impossible to construct properly constructed statements.

[Tamika Olivia]

A text message for a casual acquaintance might serve, but for family you may want something more personal. Of you think you will be too nervous to get the proper words out, a letter or an email would be a better alternative than a text. Longer form communication provides the space needed to adequately express the complex feelings and concepts that are part and parcel of the coming out process. Even if you do decide on the phone route, writing can help with the nerves. Improv is harder than working from a script or outline.

[Rufio]

i feel like if someone phoned me to speak about this kind of thing i'd feel really pressured and put on the spot.

That's my thinking too. I'm biased, though, because I'm used to phone calls being for Serious Bad News, especially from people who rarely call. I'd go with an email. It's not as brief or casual as a text, but it gives him some time to process and you some space from any immediate reaction. Letters seem oddly formal to me, and I know I'd be a nervous mess for the couple days it would take to arrive, but if you don't have those hang-ups, a letter would be a solid option too. If you do call, work out a rough script or at least some points to cover beforehand so you don't have to worry about freezing or blanking out.

You're probably already planning on it, but I'd mention your work and that you wanted to be sure he heard it directly from you even if the chances are slim that it would come out through work. I know I'd appreciate the thought if it was one of my siblings.

[LivingTheDream]

Idk, I've done it by text before to others. My advice is do it how you feel most comfortable doing it.

[Peep]

I can send long texts on my phone - though i don't really want to write a novel. I was just going to say that I'm going to see a gender identity specialist soon and that I'm changing my name for work and before I start my masters degree in September. Then I'd say that if he has any questions or anything he can text me or phone me. I haven't decided if I want HRT or anything yet so there's not a whole of other announcements to make. :/

[Seshatneferw]

Doing it by e-mail instead of text message gives a bit more space to explain what it's all about, including links to some web resources on gender incongruence. Giving him the opportunity to find his own facts may help, as long as you give him good starting points so he doesn't have to resort to a Google search and end up with a mass of porn and anti-trans propaganda.

[Peep]

Yeah I'm going to direct everyone i come out to to NHS resources, they're not only well explained but they're most relevant for me because I'm transitioning on the NHS so them and their ideas of transgender people (and gatekeeping) are what I'm dealing with

[Tristyn]

I'm expecting the short answer to be 'yes' but...

I have 4 brothers, aged between 9 and 27, one older, three younger. One of the younger ones (he's 21) knows already (although I was really quite drunk when I told him so I do have to go back and have a sober convo, but that's another issue...) But my older brother is the one i feel really needs to know next, as I'm moving forward with some work things (I'm an artist) under my new name, there's a (long shot) chance i might out myself that way, and I feel like that's pretty careless.

So i need to talk the talk first BUT I barely ever see my older brother, I don't phone him, or text him often at all, and I don't know when I'll next have a face-to-face conversation with him that's not a family birthday (which I don't want to hijack with my issues). I thought I would write a text because i feel like if someone phoned me to speak about this kind of thing i'd feel really pressured and put on the spot. Is this the right direction or not?

He lives in a different city from me and I don't drive so arranging a meet up isn't on the table (and he almost actively avoids coming home so)

I feel it's pretty unlikely that my work stuff will filter back to him - should i just take the risk and wait?

Hey Peep.

In my opinion I think this is like the hardest thing about being transgender. I'm in your boat, buddy. I ain't say diddly squat to my oldest bro and oldest sister, who are very Christian :/ . I tried to tell one sister because my dad outted me to her behind my back. But she constantly told me I am a woman, God doesn't make mistakes, and that I need to fight my transgender feelings.

Well, guess what, Peep, I have not spoken to her in nearly a year. She tried to call me while I was in the hospital this weekend, but I hung up on her and disconnected my hospital phone line the minute she said "HEY, [INSERT BIRTH NAME HERE]!" That really set me off, not to mention she was my financial abuser for many years prior and has not repaid any damages she has done. I do not forgive unless the person I am forgiving is literally sorry. And she ain't nowhere near that.

So I just cut her off. I hate to tell ya this Peep, but if your siblings can't accept you for who you are, you gotta be strong and cut 'em all off. I mean, hopefully it won't even come to that. If it makes you feel any better, I texted my second older bro when I came out to him and that went ok. Though he still refers to me as a "she," so I kinda cut him off too until he realizes that I am serious about transitioning. As of now, no one takes me seriously. I just wanna leap off a cliff right now. Lol. But I wouldn't recommend that last thing.

[Peep]

It really feels like I'm having to come out to someone else's brother. i still think of my brother as how he was when he was 14 or 15 when we last really spent time together and not as an adult. it's like i had to pick a random person form the phonebook to talk to and if i do it wrong i still loose my own brother. idk if that makes sense

tbh i'm more worried about me being cut of than having to cut other people off. i kinda feel like my family (aside from the four brothers i still see and my parents) are really distant, i don't know my grandparents or aunts and uncles either, and i don't think anyone will even care enough to abuse me, it'll be more like I'll be the one no one talks about or invites places or anything. not that they're desperate to see me now haha

They have a very simple idea of me as the girl - i'm one of only three "female" grandchildren out of twelve and even my arts degree was like A Cute Thing the Girl Child Did, now it's all, when're you going to have babies? meanwhile my brother actually wants babies and everyone just asks why he never went to uni! these gendered standards are crazy lol

i don't have a great relationship with my youngest brothers either but that's really my fault, i went away to study for four years and hardly saw them. i'm not allowed to tell them yet (because my parents want to procrastinate and never do it) but i think they'll be okay because they're not interested in me now so they've got nothing to loose

[Tristyn]

It really feels like I'm having to come out to someone else's brother. i still think of my brother as how he was when he was 14 or 15 when we last really spent time together and not as an adult. it's like i had to pick a random person form the phonebook to talk to and if i do it wrong i still loose my own brother. idk if that makes sense

tbh i'm more worried about me being cut of than having to cut other people off. i kinda feel like my family (aside from the four brothers i still see and my parents) are really distant, i don't know my grandparents or aunts and uncles either, and i don't think anyone will even care enough to abuse me, it'll be more like I'll be the one no one talks about or invites places or anything. not that they're desperate to see me now haha

They have a very simple idea of me as the girl - i'm one of only three "female" grandchildren out of twelve and even my arts degree was like A Cute Thing the Girl Child Did, now it's all, when're you going to have babies? meanwhile my brother actually wants babies and everyone just asks why he never went to uni! these gendered standards are crazy lol

i don't have a great relationship with my youngest brothers either but that's really my fault, i went away to study for four years and hardly saw them. i'm not allowed to tell them yet (because my parents want to procrastinate and never do it) but i think they'll be okay because they're not interested in me now so they've got nothing to loose

It sounds like you are more interested in your family than I am. Even before I knew I was trans, I was always treated like a wolf among sheep. Like I never fit in no matter what I did. I know what you mean by the "Cute Thing That Girl Child Did" because I am the only biological female in my immediate family who earned a high school diploma and not had to drop out for a G.E.D.

It's really annoying to look at that thing. I felt like I was obligated to finish high school because I didn't want my mom to feel bad about none of her "daughters" graduating like she constantly reminded me every time I entertained the idea of dropping out because of bullying. And I feel ya on your career as an artist because you don't wanna be stuck with your birth name and I feel ya there cause I like to write books and junk but it's got that darn girly name all over it. :/

I mean, you can always go under a pseudonym right? Like use your preferred masculine name as a pseudonym. That is exactly what I want when I publish this book I have been working on since age 13 (yeah, writer's block from depression will do that to you). I honestly could care less if my family did not invite me to anything. I guess for me, my pain would come from the guilt of cutting off family, whether they want me around or not.

By the way, I am actually thankful for many of my physical ailments because I can use them as scapegoats for not having kids. Like this morning, I lied to my dad and said that I want a hysterectomy because I hate periods (that part is no lie) but also because I'm way to sick to have kids (that part is a lie, because even if I were not sick I still would not want kids because the thought of having kids is like being in a horror movie to me). I was surprised that he did not seem objective to the idea. His only concern seemed to be if the doctor would think it is ethical to perform such a procedure on me. Maybe a partial but not a full because I have some serious physical conditions here and there.

[Peep]

Yeah I've been using just my initials for a while, but I do need a full first name for talking to people face to face. I also don't use ANY pronouns in my artist's statements which makes them a real challenge to write haha

There's also the fact that using my male name instead of initials moves me out of neutral/ ? gender to 'probably male' in people's heads

When I did my degree I tried to get my stuff displayed as a company name but that didn't work... we had to have headshots up as well and i did a drawing of myself instead (which i could skew more masculine), which i got away with by saying 'we're designers, not photographers!' lol

it makes me feel pretty ill thinking that the degree that i worked for and got into debt for has the wrong name on it.

[KarlMars]

I came out on facebook, so I wouldn't have to tell anyone verbally and didn't explain it unless they asked. I see very few people from facebook in my real life because family and friends have mostly moved or always lived in different states. I locked all the pictures of me where I looked female and now only have ones of me cross dressing with a male haircut on display. I also have the trans flag as my cover, and use my male name. So many older sheltered relatives don't quite understand it.... 

[Peep]

Yeah I don't think my brother or i use facebook enough, it feels weird coming out there - i will do it eventually (or just delete) but i want my family members to know first.

I changed my name to a neutral-ish nickname tho so i can screenie it and use it as evidence that i'm ''~living as male~" for gatekeeping tho

[Tristyn]

I don't think that coming out on Facebook is always such a great idea because any one out there can find your info do some damaging things with that info. I hate Facebook. >.<

[KarlMars]

I don't think that coming out on Facebook is always such a great idea because any one out there can find your info do some damaging things with that info. I hate Facebook. >.<

Well only friends can view my pictures, or anything.

[Tristyn]

Well only friends can view my pictures, or anything.

I guess that's a whole other story, but you still have to be careful.

Nice profile pic by the way.