Devastated mother of transgender youth

[BeverlyAnn]

Do those who are transgender expect instant acceptance?  Do they understand that their parent is grieving the child they thought they had while loving the person they're becoming?  How do I come to understand and accept without being sad at losing my boy?

I want to address just this point.  Do we expect instant acceptance when we come out?  Unfortunately many times we do.  We have to stop and make ourselves understand that, while most of us have been dealing with this for years, those we come out to also need time to process this. In the case of my wife, I came out to her before we were married and it took her several years to even accept anything about trans at all.   As far as grief goes, of course that's expected.  You may very well go through the Kübler-Ross stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  You might go through all of them, some of them, possibly more than one stage at a time and not necessarily in order.

[lmh1021]

Thank you all for your replies.  Your support and information is very helpful.  I am so relieved to have support.  My husband is out of the house right now but he will be back soon.  I will try to put myself together and carry on so he won't know I've been crying again.  It's hard to hide when you've cried so hard that your eyes are swollen and red.  I look forward to reading anyone else's comments, views, or insight later tonight when I'm able to get back on.  Bless you all and thank you again.

[Deborah]

I don't post in this sub-forum often because my impression is that our presence here is generally unwelcome. But I do want to address your question on Instant Acceptance.
I think we do hope for instant acceptance. Just speaking from what's in my own mind we see this as being totally honest, without deception, allowing the other person to know us entirely. The concept of this as a loss is foreign to us because what the other person views as a loss is the shedding of an avatar that that was constructed to reflect what we think people want to see rather than what really is. It was a survival mechanism. So what is lost was never entirely real to begin with.
Imagine you had been forced by some authority to wear an iron mask your whole life. Every waking moment you are aware of its presence and it's all anyone ever sees when looking at you. Then one day you find the key to remove the mask and people see your actual face for the first time. You are no longer the Lady in the Iron Mask but instead a real person. Would that be a loss? It is exactly what we feel like.
Having said all that, I do understand why this is difficult for the other person. I understand also instant acceptance to be an unrealistic expectation. But it is always the hope.


Sapere Aude

[Dena]

As you are starved for information about your child I thought of something that might help. Transgender is a wide open term and the words I want to be a girl are open to much interpretation. Many of us are transexual and find the only solution is reassignment surgery but for many reason, some are comfortable without it. Binary means 2 and we used it to indicate male or female exclusively. Transgender includes non binary which means a mix of the two. I was never exposed to the non binary when I transition because it was relatively rare as if I was't. At the time I transitioned, we figured there were only a few thousand of us. Today the non binary are pretty common and easily found on this site. For some, part time cross dressing is enough to feel comfortable in life. For others, full time cross living without surgery is sufficient. Where your child will feel comfortable, nobody other than your child will be able to determine. Something you may find informative is our Wiki where the word transgender is discussed. If noting else, when the time to talk comes you will better understand the terms that come up.

[sparrow]

I was assigned male at birth, and I no longer identify as male despite ~30 years of living quite successfully as one (though... not all was ever right in my world).  Then my dad died.  He was my best friend in the whole world.  I suffered a huge amount of depression, I was self-destructive, prone to rage, couldn't focus or work... I eventually got around to confronting my emotions, something that I had never done in any depth.  And what came out of that process had absolutely nothing to do with my dad -- it was all about my gender.  Actually, my dad and I were pretty much cool when he died, and we still are.  I miss him dearly, but I can cry again thanks to estrogen, so I have an easier time processing my grief these days.  I had less grief work to do than I thought, but I needed to come out to myself than I could do that work.

...never wanted to put on girl's clothes, shoes, makeup...

I was like this.  Well, I tried on a couple of dresses of my mom's when I was home alone, and I hated how I looked, and nobody ever knew... so to my mom's perspective I "never."  I did always have a curiosity... I'd shave my legs or my armpits hoping a girlfriend would like that for some reason.  But I only see those as part of a trend in retrospect, and this took me and everybody else in my life by complete surprise.

Also.  Um.  This is a little nonintuitive in the context, but you know it to be true in general: not every woman wants those things.  Lots of reformed boys settle into being tomboys quite comfortably.  A gal I know never wears a swipe of makeup and all her clothes are made for boys.  I continue to use my powerful baritone voice and use my body to the limits of its athleticism, and pick clothes that look feminine but, for example, won't snag if I decide to vault over a fence while I'm running for a bus.

I've abandoned the notion that I'm a woman.  I tried to make that fit, but it didn't.  Being a man doesn't fit either.  Now I don't identify with any particular gender label... and that gives me complete freedom to be myself.  I'm a happier person now!  Your child might discover that they don't fit into the gender binary... but they'll need a nurturing and supporting environment to figure out what's really going on for them.  It takes time for us all... and "woman" may very well be the right answer.

I know it's terrible for me to admit feeling this way.

Oh my god, no... your feelings are perfectly natural.  Working through this is tough for people!  Please... share these feelings here.  Denying them makes them worse.

[Marienz]

Thank you all for your replies.  Your support and information is very helpful.  I am so relieved to have support.  My husband is out of the house right now but he will be back soon.  I will try to put myself together and carry on so he won't know I've been crying again.  It's hard to hide when you've cried so hard that your eyes are swollen and red.  I look forward to reading anyone else's comments, views, or insight later tonight when I'm able to get back on.  Bless you all and thank you again.

I sometimes found that a good massage of the eye area with a very good moisturiser would help the puffy eye... Followed by 10 mins of shut eye to help the moisturiser take effect:)


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Significant other
Heterosexual woman

[Peep]

Your feelings are legitimate, but as you've said your child is already depressed I might warn you that expressing that you feel like he's already lost may be hard on his mental health. It's not wrong for you to feel this way, but I'm saying that as an outsider and a young, depressed confused person might take it differently. I'm saying this because I came out and started transitioning as an alternative to suicide and so doing that and being told that people were grieving me as if I'd died anyway was tough to process. But don't stop feeling free to express those feelings here! You need an outlet that isn't your child, so that you can process your feelings and them start to look at them rationally

You will loose some things that you likely expected from a son but you will gain other things from a daughter

[Marienz]

On the way home from a therapy session with my son, he turned to me and said, "I have something to tell you but I don't know how to.  I guess I'll just say it.  I want to be a girl."  I felt hysterical.  Through laughter and tears I said, "You're joking right?  This can't be real."  After all we'd been through, after all I'd tried to help him through, now this?  Cutting, depression, suicidal, defiance, pushing me away...all the while me telling him I loved him and would help him through.  I got him medical and therapy help.  We went several times a week.  He was admitted to a youth home for suicide prevention.  While there, I cleaned my house out of all medications including over the counter, anything he could use as a weapon on himself.  I begged the school for help and they said they couldn't help me.  Another youth that went to the school had just died and they needed to use all of their staff to assist grieving students.  They forgot about him, they forgot about us.  My husband is and always has been in denial so he is also no help.  I have another son who is autistic and I've taken him to therapy sessions for years for him to learn how to deal with everyday life.

Before he told me he wanted to be a girl, I had dropped him off at a friend's house for the day and picked him up after work.  He had marks on his neck when he got home and I thought it looked like marks from "the choking game" if any of you know what that is.  He said no and that he was gay.  How could my child have been allowed to be alone long enough for him to get these "marks" on his neck when both parents were home?  Was this sexual?  I thought this was the end of the world.  I don't know what exactly happened that day but he wasn't allowed back.  Now I had to come to grips with that my son is gay or actually bi-sexual as he later told me.  I wondered how this could be.  What did I do wrong?  My family and friends would never accept this.  My husband said, "Over my dead body." about him being gay.  More therapy, more talks, more trying to understand, and more of me assuring my son that I love him no matter what.  I thought this was the absolute worst thing that could happen....I was wrong.

When he told me he wanted to be a girl, I felt like my life was over.  Like the world had stopped and I could no longer breathe.  Couldn't he just go back to being only gay?  How can I accept this?  He wanted me to call him a girl's name and refer to him as her.  No, he's my baby boy!  He's not a girl, he's a boy!  He's never given signs of being at all feminine.  Nothing...never wanted to put on girl's clothes, shoes, makeup....how did this happen?  I can't breathe.  Life is over.  Crying again, silently, alone.  How would I explain to family, how could I expect them accept this?  I'll keep it hidden away, a secret, and it will eventually go away.  No one will know.  Why does this have to be all about him?  What about me?  I have depression and anxiety that started when my younger son was diagnosed with autism and needed help.  I am on medication to keep me going day by day but this is too much, too powerful......

They don't know I have depression issues.  I keep the medicine hidden.  I have to be strong for everyone but what I really want to do is curl up in my bed, cover my head with the covers, and stay there forever.  Safe, away from reality, while the world goes on without me.  I don't want to come out until everything is "normal" again.  Why my child?  How do I explain this?  I can't breathe.....All I can do is cry in the dark and pretend to be strong in the day.

I know it's terrible for me to admit feeling this way.  I know I should just accept this and love my son the way I always have.  I'm losing him.  He is no longer the little boy I raised.  He is like a stranger now.  I will always love who he was but I don't know who this new person is anymore.

Hello,
we haven't heard from you in awhile...I hope you're okay x

[Feminator]

You had a normal reaction. You obviously love your child very much or you would not be here trying to figure yourself out. It's hard for parents especially I think because we all have this idea of who and what are child will be, and when they tell us that it is not going to be what we thought, it really rocks our world. I would suggest that you go to some therapy sessions and help get sorted out. It will help you deal with grieving your son and welcoming your daughter. It takes time to do so, after all she took time to accept it herself so you have to give yourself some time as well. That is where I would start. Also, cut yourself some slack, we don't all know everything about our kids. If you love your daughter, you will get through this. If you felt you reacted badly, talk with her about it. Let her know you love her, you are worried and you want her to be happy.....and don't stop talking!

[bunnymom]

I am sad to see that the OP has not been around.
I hope she and her daughter are beginning this new chapter, unified and more comfortable with this change.
I truly did feel this way when my girl came out 3 years ago.
It was difficult, but I am used to it. I call her my daughter. I'm careful to edit stories of the past and her youth. Some people that have known me for many, many years are aware of this transition, some are not.
My husband is much more accepting, but continues to use her birth name often and the "he" pronouns.
My 26 year marriage has not been perfect in any way, but we're older and it is best for us to remain united. Lately, my husband's health issues have dredged up more conflict.
Today, I told him flat out that I will not tolerate male pronouns or names for my daughter. She is partly to blame, as she has not taken any steps to make legal changes despite being 22 and has been on hormones for 2 years.
Anyway, much time must pass for some of us to come to grips. Yes, my trans* child has coped with this for many more years than I, but I must support her and stand up for her, as she is part of me.
All I can say is that it does get better, day by day.

[Amanda_Combs]

I sympathize for you and your feelings very much.  That is honestly why I haven't told my mother.  I know she would feel like she's losing her son, and like I'm going to hell(I already believe that one[emoji26]), and she would believe it's her fault.  I understand all of those things, but none of them are true.  It's my belief that if your child feels accepted, they will be more likely to feel comfortable as themselves and not feel like they have to prove their gender.  So I would advise you to just remember that your son is still going to be who she always has been; but will likely be much happier. 

Also congrats on being here; please take care of yourself and your child.  And have faith that things will get better for your whole family.  [emoji846]


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[aaajjj55]

I can well understand the devastation you feel at your son's confession and it must be awful for all of your hopes and dreams to evaporate before your eyes.

However, he has made the decision at the right time in his life particularly as he is likely to have a very successful transition - a look through the before and after thread on this site will reassure you of what can be achieved these days.

Above all, remember that you have friends here who will be happy to listen and offer advice if you need it.