Devastated mother of transgender youth

[lmh1021]

On the way home from a therapy session with my son, he turned to me and said, "I have something to tell you but I don't know how to.  I guess I'll just say it.  I want to be a girl."  I felt hysterical.  Through laughter and tears I said, "You're joking right?  This can't be real."  After all we'd been through, after all I'd tried to help him through, now this?  Cutting, depression, suicidal, defiance, pushing me away...all the while me telling him I loved him and would help him through.  I got him medical and therapy help.  We went several times a week.  He was admitted to a youth home for suicide prevention.  While there, I cleaned my house out of all medications including over the counter, anything he could use as a weapon on himself.  I begged the school for help and they said they couldn't help me.  Another youth that went to the school had just died and they needed to use all of their staff to assist grieving students.  They forgot about him, they forgot about us.  My husband is and always has been in denial so he is also no help.  I have another son who is autistic and I've taken him to therapy sessions for years for him to learn how to deal with everyday life.

Before he told me he wanted to be a girl, I had dropped him off at a friend's house for the day and picked him up after work.  He had marks on his neck when he got home and I thought it looked like marks from "the choking game" if any of you know what that is.  He said no and that he was gay.  How could my child have been allowed to be alone long enough for him to get these "marks" on his neck when both parents were home?  Was this sexual?  I thought this was the end of the world.  I don't know what exactly happened that day but he wasn't allowed back.  Now I had to come to grips with that my son is gay or actually bi-sexual as he later told me.  I wondered how this could be.  What did I do wrong?  My family and friends would never accept this.  My husband said, "Over my dead body." about him being gay.  More therapy, more talks, more trying to understand, and more of me assuring my son that I love him no matter what.  I thought this was the absolute worst thing that could happen....I was wrong.

When he told me he wanted to be a girl, I felt like my life was over.  Like the world had stopped and I could no longer breathe.  Couldn't he just go back to being only gay?  How can I accept this?  He wanted me to call him a girl's name and refer to him as her.  No, he's my baby boy!  He's not a girl, he's a boy!  He's never given signs of being at all feminine.  Nothing...never wanted to put on girl's clothes, shoes, makeup....how did this happen?  I can't breathe.  Life is over.  Crying again, silently, alone.  How would I explain to family, how could I expect them accept this?  I'll keep it hidden away, a secret, and it will eventually go away.  No one will know.  Why does this have to be all about him?  What about me?  I have depression and anxiety that started when my younger son was diagnosed with autism and needed help.  I am on medication to keep me going day by day but this is too much, too powerful......

They don't know I have depression issues.  I keep the medicine hidden.  I have to be strong for everyone but what I really want to do is curl up in my bed, cover my head with the covers, and stay there forever.  Safe, away from reality, while the world goes on without me.  I don't want to come out until everything is "normal" again.  Why my child?  How do I explain this?  I can't breathe.....All I can do is cry in the dark and pretend to be strong in the day.

I know it's terrible for me to admit feeling this way.  I know I should just accept this and love my son the way I always have.  I'm losing him.  He is no longer the little boy I raised.  He is like a stranger now.  I will always love who he was but I don't know who this new person is anymore.

[Peep]

First of all, you did nothing wrong; trans people are just a quirk of nature like red hair or being double jointed.

It's possible that there's a correlation between the cutting and depression and your child's gender identity. Without being rude, I have to say that laughing in your child's face is something you might want to avoid next time they talk about it if you want to avoid more therapy. Remember that you're the adult here.

I don't know much about the choking game - but if it doesn't happen again, maybe it's something to put aside for now?

Sexuality and gender are different - there are straight, gay, bi etc trans people just like there are cis people of all sexualities that do not transition gender wise. However because of the way society sees gay and trans people the two are often confused for each other - a lot of trans people do identify as homosexual or bisexual because they're maybe not even aware that being trans instead is a possibility. It might take your child a while to figure out what their orientation is - but that's part of growing up regardless of gender identity. And not every trans person has a clear cut 'girls toys/ stealing your sisters dresses' narrative, particularly as modern life becomes less and less rigidly gendered.

Are you in therapy yourself? If not I would maybe consider it - it's useful to have an impartial party to talk these things over with - someone outside of your family who doesn't have a personal investment and can look at situations logically.

At the moment, you just have to take things one step at a time. It's probably useful that your child is already in therapy, but it would probably be helpful to look for a gender specialist as well/ instead of usual therapy.

[lmh1021]

No, of course.  I guess I worded that wrong.  It wasn't hysterical laughter in his face, it was more like, I felt hysterical.....laughing and crying at the same time.  He understood my shock and we cried together.

[Peep]

No, of course.  I guess I worded that wrong.  It wasn't hysterical laughter in his face, it was more like, I felt hysterical.....laughing and crying at the same time.  He understood my shock and we cried together.

That's okay, maybe I'm just a little over sensitive! to be honest your reaction seems pretty common. most people are surprised by revelations like this. It might help to remember that many trans people, this kind of event (coming out) is positive (if emotional/scary), because it means they've finally realised the answers to a lot of questions in their lives and can move forwards with fixing some problems in their lives. If you're crying together you're not emotionally distant, which seems like a good sign to me! Don't forget to look after yourself too though, it will benefit your whole family in the long run even if it feels selfish in the short term.

[Dena]

Some basics that might help you. You child became transgender before birth. Current thinking is that insufficient levels of male hormones or insensitivity cause us to develop with a feminine identity. It can't be change and the only solution is to alter the life to fit the mind. Nothing you could have done would have prevented it and you are not to blame for what happened.

We may discover this as early as 3 years of age but others may find it in their 50's and 60's. Most of us know when we hit puberty. Puberty can intensify the feelings and depression becomes serious. Currently they calculate that the depression drives about 2 out of 5 to the point of suicide. The choking game is a bad sign because the game is played as a form of anti depressant. The indicates your child may be very uncomfortable and will need as much help as you can provide until she is able to transition enough to have some degree of comfort. Blocker drugs that stop the production of male hormones help a great deal as well as moving into the desired role in life.

I will not kid you, it can be hard on both of you to face this but in the end you will be stronger and this will draw both of you closer together. You child may have a differed package on the outside but will still be the same person you have come to love on the inside. I have escaped my depression but I remain the same person I have always been.

I am post surgical 33 years and have seen life from both sides. You may ask me any questions you have and I will do my best to answer them.

[stephaniec]

I'm transgender and spent my life in denial and no help. Thought of suicide was what brought me to transition. I don't mean to offend you but your child needs understanding and not rejection. This is in your child not you. Love the child  don't reject.

[BeverlyAnn]

On the way home from a therapy session with my son, he turned to me and said, "I have something to tell you but I don't know how to.  I guess I'll just say it.  I want to be a girl."  I felt hysterical.  Through laughter and tears I said, "You're joking right?  This can't be real."  After all we'd been through, after all I'd tried to help him through, now this?  Cutting, depression, suicidal, defiance, pushing me away...all the while me telling him I loved him and would help him through.

As to what you did wrong, absolutely nothing.  Research is indicating transgender is simply a combination of genes that cause the brain to be similar to the female brain in the case of genetic males or similar to the male brain in the case of genetic females.  Depression is also very common with transgender people.  I've been dealing with it off and on for over 60 years.  As far as defiance and pushing away, having gone through the teen years raising a child, that sounds perfectly normal.

One of my sister-in-law's grandchildren has been cutting for quite some time.  When he came out to his family as male (he's 15) the cutting has stopped. He is still, according to his therapist, suicidal though.  He has some family support but transgender teens who do not have support from family have a very high rate of attempted suicide.  If your child's therapist is not experienced in gender issues, try to find one who is as they will be able to with all the emotions.

I believe someone here at Susan's wrote this in the past and it's hard to hear but worth thinking about.  Would you rather go and visit your daughter and her family in the future or would you rather put flowers on your son's grave.

[lmh1021]

Thank you Dena, Beverlyann, and Peep for your helpful responses.  I am trying so hard to understand and your information is very helpful.  I had no idea this was coming and when he told me, I was absolutely floored to say the least.  Do those who are transgender expect instant acceptance?  Do they understand that their parent is grieving the child they thought they had while loving the person they're becoming?  How do I come to understand and accept without being sad at losing my boy?  I wrote here because I needed an outlet for my true feelings and hoping to find understanding and information.  I have never shared my emotions about this with my son or anyone else for that matter.

I love my son very much and tell him every chance I get.  I've told him that no matter what, I will always love him.  I did start taking him to a gender-specialty therapist but I'm not sure if it's helped him at all.   

[Dena]

Coming out, so many years ago but still like yesterday. When we delay coming out, we do it because of fear of rejection. I came out at age 23 in 1974 because the depression reached the point of suicide and overrode the fear I had. I was lucky and I wasn't rejected but I wasn't accepted. My mother had the idea that she could take me to a doctor and fix my problem. Some of us are fortunate and receive instant acceptance, often because they were showing signs for a long time. Others are kicked out when they reach 18 and we have a few of those on the site.

Your feelings are understandable because you are facing the unknown but the primary difference you will see in your child will be happiness. In therapy and the transition I went from living the years between 13 and 30 dealing with depression to the joy of being alive. Simple small things now make me happy and while things sometimes go wrong in my life, I am better able to face them.

Years of living with this causes a good deal of emotional baggage. I spent a total of 8 years in therapy and because the doctors really didn't have much of a clue what they were doing at the time, the first 5 were pretty useless. The last 3 were spend with a doctor who knew what he was doing and years of problems came tumbling down. Until your child start transitioning and start effective HRT, the decisions that need to be made haven't been resolved yet. It may take time for your child to open up but just be there when it happens. You might also request a session with the gender therapist to help understand what is happening. You won't be told the details of the therapy sessions but it may give you a better feeling about what your child is facing.

I forgot to give you the following links the last time around.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[PrincessButtercup]

On the way home from a therapy session with my son, he turned to me and said, "I have something to tell you but I don't know how to.  I guess I'll just say it.  I want to be a girl."  I felt hysterical.  Through laughter and tears I said, "You're joking right?  This can't be real."  After all we'd been through, after all I'd tried to help him through, now this?  Cutting, depression, suicidal, defiance, pushing me away...all the while me telling him I loved him and would help him through.  I got him medical and therapy help.  We went several times a week.  He was admitted to a youth home for suicide prevention.  While there, I cleaned my house out of all medications including over the counter, anything he could use as a weapon on himself.  I begged the school for help and they said they couldn't help me.  Another youth that went to the school had just died and they needed to use all of their staff to assist grieving students.  They forgot about him, they forgot about us.  My husband is and always has been in denial so he is also no help.  I have another son who is autistic and I've taken him to therapy sessions for years for him to learn how to deal with everyday life.

Before he told me he wanted to be a girl, I had dropped him off at a friend's house for the day and picked him up after work.  He had marks on his neck when he got home and I thought it looked like marks from "the choking game" if any of you know what that is.  He said no and that he was gay.  How could my child have been allowed to be alone long enough for him to get these "marks" on his neck when both parents were home?  Was this sexual?  I thought this was the end of the world.  I don't know what exactly happened that day but he wasn't allowed back.  Now I had to come to grips with that my son is gay or actually bi-sexual as he later told me.  I wondered how this could be.  What did I do wrong?  My family and friends would never accept this.  My husband said, "Over my dead body." about him being gay.  More therapy, more talks, more trying to understand, and more of me assuring my son that I love him no matter what.  I thought this was the absolute worst thing that could happen....I was wrong.

When he told me he wanted to be a girl, I felt like my life was over.  Like the world had stopped and I could no longer breathe.  Couldn't he just go back to being only gay?  How can I accept this?  He wanted me to call him a girl's name and refer to him as her.  No, he's my baby boy!  He's not a girl, he's a boy!  He's never given signs of being at all feminine.  Nothing...never wanted to put on girl's clothes, shoes, makeup....how did this happen?  I can't breathe.  Life is over.  Crying again, silently, alone.  How would I explain to family, how could I expect them accept this?  I'll keep it hidden away, a secret, and it will eventually go away.  No one will know.  Why does this have to be all about him?  What about me?  I have depression and anxiety that started when my younger son was diagnosed with autism and needed help.  I am on medication to keep me going day by day but this is too much, too powerful......

They don't know I have depression issues.  I keep the medicine hidden.  I have to be strong for everyone but what I really want to do is curl up in my bed, cover my head with the covers, and stay there forever.  Safe, away from reality, while the world goes on without me.  I don't want to come out until everything is "normal" again.  Why my child?  How do I explain this?  I can't breathe.....All I can do is cry in the dark and pretend to be strong in the day.

I know it's terrible for me to admit feeling this way.  I know I should just accept this and love my son the way I always have.  I'm losing him.  He is no longer the little boy I raised.  He is like a stranger now.  I will always love who he was but I don't know who this new person is anymore.

Welcome to the SO support forum! I have good news & bad news for you...

The good news is you haven't reacted badly at all and you're going through exactly what we all go through. When my husband came out to me I was waiting for the punchline while expecting to be told I was on some sort of hidden camera. I spent the first month bouncing between anger, debilitating depression, and even thoughts of suicide. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it because I was beyond embarrassed. Okay, I'm still working on the embarrassment thing.

The bad news is, it's your new reality. But, it's not insurmountable. If he's just discovering this, then it's not unusual (so I've been told), to jump straight to "I'm a girl," when the reality may possibly be that he's somewhere in between because it's a huge spectrum. He may very well end up feeling mostly female or he may not. That's going to take some time for him and the therapist to figure out. Since he's a minor, you have every right to be in joint sessions with him. But, you're going to have to go into them with the attitude of you're there to help. I'm not going to lie, it's hard and it definitely falls in the "fake it until you make it" category.

From the SO perspective, this is a tough thing to deal with - probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I could lie and say it gets easier for us, but it doesn't - you just eventually become more accustomed to it (maybe that by definition is easier, maybe not).

Hang in there.

[stephaniec]

I am trans and I've been trans  since age 4 years old. Where ever this leads to, you need to understand this is your child's life. I'm sorry you feel a need to change your child. If someone was able to see my pain I hope they would of tried to help me. I grew up in the era of electric shock therapy as the cure for what was considered mental illness at the time. Your child needs understanding and love. Sorry if I talk bluntly and I truly mean no harm but your child has rights as to how to live life. A honest and unbiased gender therapist is the proper path to take.

[lmh1021]

Thank you so much princessbuttercup.  To know that my reaction is normal is a tiny sense of relief.  I am so glad to have heard a reply from a SO's perspective as well.  I have contemplated suicide, been so depressed some days that I can't get out of bed.  I feel like he and the rest of the family would do better without me.  I've tried so hard to help him and feel like we're getting nowhere.  With no support from my husband and too embarrassed to discuss with my family and friends, I just wish it would end.  Some days I can't stop crying, as I am now, when I realize this is our reality now.

Stephaniec:  I want you to understand that he has been the same person to me and his family for 17 years with no clue of him feeling that he is the opposite gender.  All of his life he has been a boy with no reason for me to doubt it.  I am not trying to change him as he has been my son since birth; for 17 years until he told me.  He is the one that has changed (even if he knew sooner) very suddenly as I didn't know it was coming.  I have seen his pain and have done everything humanly possible for the past 7 years to help him.  It started with his cutting 7 years ago and has compounded year by year until finally he told me.  I do understand this is my child's life.  Why don't you understand that as his mother, I need time to work through this also?  He has been my SON for 17 years!  I give him love and understanding every day of my life, with every breath that I breathe; he knows that I love him.  If it took him years to figure out where he wants to be as a person, don't I have the right to work through my feelings too? 

Being told to keep my feelings to myself or it's wrong for me to want my son to be the boy I gave birth to; how is that ok?  Is what I'm going through invalid?  My feelings are invalid? 

[jayne01]

Hi Imh1021,
I was born male and now at age 43 I am learning that I am almost certainly transgender. After almost 14 years of marriage I came out to my wife. I thought that would end our marriage, but my wife has been very supportive and understanding. That is not to say that she isn't having a hard time processing this news. She is having a very difficult time. But she loves me for who I am and I love her for who she is. Her feelings and what she is going through are just as valid as my feelings and what I am going through. Our love for each other and the life we have built is keeping us together through this very difficult time.

Your feelings are very valid. You have a lot to process. If I had known what transgender was when I was a teen and had the courage to come out to my parents, I imagine my life would have been very different. In hindsight, I would not change a thing because I would not have met my wonderful wife. But aside from that, had I addressed my transgenderness (is that a word?) at a young age, I could have saved myself many many years of depression, low self esteem, a feeling that I just don't belong and lots of other negative feelings.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your child has found the courage to tell you how they feel, knowing that as their parent you will continue to love them and accept them and offer any help you can. Try and learn as much as you can about the subject. It will not only help your child, it will help you better understand and hopefully accept what is. And know that being transgender is not anybody's fault. No one did anything wrong. It's just nature, like being left handed or right handed.

It all takes time. As was mentioned previously, speaking to the gender therapist may be helpful for you too. And the people on this forum are great as well.

I wish the very best.

Jayne

[Cindy]

Dear imh1021,

Of course your feelings are utterly valid and to be honest normal. In any case when a loved one, particularly a child tells a parent of such news it can be extremely confronting. Going into shock is very common and I think maybe that is what you are going through.

It is very important that you look after your health, physical, mental and emotional. You have supported your child for many years through a terrible time and it will wear you down, it would wear anyone down. Your love for your child is awesome and being essentially a single parent with no one to turn to must be extremely difficult.

The SO section is to give support to you with coping with these times and your thoughts, worries and how to face life are what this section is about.

Be assured my staff and I will not tolerate anyone being negative to your feelings. It is critically important that you not only feel safe but are safe expressing your concerns here.

May I also say that if you feel yourself falling into a depression or starting to think suicidal thoughts to contact one of the local LifeLines. It is also important t talk to your family Doctor if you are feeling depressed.

If you want to talk to me personally feel free to contact me by email. Cindy@anzgsg.org

My heart goes out to you in this time of distress.

Cindy
Forum Admin.

[Dena]

There is another SO who I suspect will be by here shortly to post. If you don't see jamiej's post by the time you go to bed, you should see it tomorrow. Both jamiej and PrincessButtercup have become regulars on the site. I am on the site most of the afternoon and evenings arizona time so if you need to reach out to me, feel free to.

[Marienz]

On the way home from a therapy session with my son, he turned to me and said, "I have something to tell you but I don't know how to.  I guess I'll just say it.  I want to be a girl."  I felt hysterical.  Through laughter and tears I said, "You're joking right?  This can't be real."  After all we'd been through, after all I'd tried to help him through, now this?  Cutting, depression, suicidal, defiance, pushing me away...all the while me telling him I loved him and would help him through.  I got him medical and therapy help.  We went several times a week.  He was admitted to a youth home for suicide prevention.  While there, I cleaned my house out of all medications including over the counter, anything he could use as a weapon on himself.  I begged the school for help and they said they couldn't help me.  Another youth that went to the school had just died and they needed to use all of their staff to assist grieving students.  They forgot about him, they forgot about us.  My husband is and always has been in denial so he is also no help.  I have another son who is autistic and I've taken him to therapy sessions for years for him to learn how to deal with everyday life.

Before he told me he wanted to be a girl, I had dropped him off at a friend's house for the day and picked him up after work.  He had marks on his neck when he got home and I thought it looked like marks from "the choking game" if any of you know what that is.  He said no and that he was gay.  How could my child have been allowed to be alone long enough for him to get these "marks" on his neck when both parents were home?  Was this sexual?  I thought this was the end of the world.  I don't know what exactly happened that day but he wasn't allowed back.  Now I had to come to grips with that my son is gay or actually bi-sexual as he later told me.  I wondered how this could be.  What did I do wrong?  My family and friends would never accept this.  My husband said, "Over my dead body." about him being gay.  More therapy, more talks, more trying to understand, and more of me assuring my son that I love him no matter what.  I thought this was the absolute worst thing that could happen....I was wrong.

When he told me he wanted to be a girl, I felt like my life was over.  Like the world had stopped and I could no longer breathe.  Couldn't he just go back to being only gay?  How can I accept this?  He wanted me to call him a girl's name and refer to him as her.  No, he's my baby boy!  He's not a girl, he's a boy!  He's never given signs of being at all feminine.  Nothing...never wanted to put on girl's clothes, shoes, makeup....how did this happen?  I can't breathe.  Life is over.  Crying again, silently, alone.  How would I explain to family, how could I expect them accept this?  I'll keep it hidden away, a secret, and it will eventually go away.  No one will know.  Why does this have to be all about him?  What about me?  I have depression and anxiety that started when my younger son was diagnosed with autism and needed help.  I am on medication to keep me going day by day but this is too much, too powerful......

They don't know I have depression issues.  I keep the medicine hidden.  I have to be strong for everyone but what I really want to do is curl up in my bed, cover my head with the covers, and stay there forever.  Safe, away from reality, while the world goes on without me.  I don't want to come out until everything is "normal" again.  Why my child?  How do I explain this?  I can't breathe.....All I can do is cry in the dark and pretend to be strong in the day.

I know it's terrible for me to admit feeling this way.  I know I should just accept this and love my son the way I always have.  I'm losing him.  He is no longer the little boy I raised.  He is like a stranger now.  I will always love who he was but I don't know who this new person is anymore.

Hi:)
I just read you post and it makes me feel so deeply for you, I know exactly what you're going through.
However slightly different, as it was my love of my life that came out as trans (M2F) not my son.
Even though, the feelings you're experiencing are the same as I "once" did!
The first point I would like to mention, is your child is still the same person... Just their gender is changing to their true self. We cannot hide away and hope that this will go away... It won't! I do empathise with you hoping that it will... I felt like that as well.
Even with saying that, if you need time to hide under the covers and cry and then cry some more then please do:)
This is a process for all people involved the trans person and the significant other.
I surely cannot tell you what to do....but I would suspect your child needs you're now as much as you need support:)
I found searching this site, outside of the significant others forum helped allot to understand more about TG and also maybe a Google searches:)
Be kind to yourself and look after you and your children:)
Right now you don't need to explain this to anyone just as a family stick together as best you can.
There are many helpful articles on the net as I mentioned:)
Putting this into a cupboard only means it will pop out again, be it, in one day or two years.
Best to work through this together... As much as you can... Baby steps might help:) your feelings are completely valid:)
By the way... I don't think anything a SO does is over reaction... Your entire world just got turned on its head:( the feelings of being hysterical, I believe are normal... Emotions are so tough.
This is a roller coast!
Please hang in there... It's tough I know:)
Marie X




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

[Paige0000]

Hi Imh1021 I think personally it is perfectly fine too be as shocked as you have especially when you have grown up to only know your child as your son and have never questioned otherwise. I remember when I first told my parents it was a complete shock to them too as they never saw the signs or indications that I could be transgender though they did admit it was more due to denial at the time. Granted I was never into very masculine things growing up but they just figured it was because I had more neutral tastes in things.

Also though signs may not have been there it doesn't mean a lot because I know for me personally I was very secretive about my feelings and knowledge of being in the wrong body as I feared how others would react.

Sadly Gender dysphoria is a very real thing and I think at the very least you both should see a therapist since while on the outside one may appear fine on the inside they are being eaten alive which can lead to very deep depression and thoughts of freeing themselves from this shell of a body they live within every day.

Just know if what your child has is GID then it is not at all your fault. You are not to blame for this horrible condition.

At the end of the day regardless of the fact whether you child is your son or your daughter they will always be your child and that will never change.

[susanlogan1203]

Hi there.  My heart goes out to you.  My son came out as trans 2 years ago and it was a shock.  Being trans was never on my radar, different sexualities sure but this is a very different thing.  Imagine your baby had been born with red hair and no one else in the family had this feature.  Imagine that your child felt awful about this feature and hid it constantly behind a facade, wearing hats that didn't fit, imagine the agony for him of having to hide this at every turn and imagine him doing this so well that eventually, not only did others believe his own story but so did he.  Your son is no longer your son.  You have gained a beautiful daughter, who needs you desperately.  She needs your acceptance and love now that she has done what has been the most difficult part of being trans, coming out to those we love.  As I have said my son came out as trans in 2013.  My daughter came out as trans in 2015 and in February this year I finally came to the momentous realisation that I was also trans, no longer their mum but their father.  All that matters is love - genuine heartfelt love and it sounds like you have this in abundance.  You'll get through this.  You both will.  From the age of 5 I had crippling dysphoria which I  recently realised was gender based.  I cut throughout my child and teenage years, I was suicidal for many years, made bad relationship choices and never really got to know the real me.  I've been depressed through my whole life believing that I was invisible because if I couldn't see the real me how could anyone else.  I've finally got to know the me I've always been without the fetters of self harm, suicide and hatred of myself. 
I know it's hard for you just now and you have a right to those feelings.  Just don't share those feelings with your daughter.  Let her know you're there for her and always will be.  And look forward to the rest of her life with you at her side.  The relationship you have with her will be so much more than it has been to this date.  The best and most accepting thing my mum ever said to me when she was upset about something I had done was "What am I going to do with you?  Keep you and love you forever!!". That has stayed with me and this is what being a parent is all about.  I send you all my best wishes and hope that this has been helpful.  Susan's place is an excellent resource.  No question is daft, no concern is unimportant and whilst all of us have sensitivities about trans issues many of us will want to help you because your daughter needs you to help her.  Immerse yourself in the resources on the internet about being trans, there are great resources out there so use them. 
Love to you both as you say goodbye by to your wonderful son and welcome to your wonderful happy daughter!

[AbbyKat]

Do those who are transgender expect instant acceptance? 

The more relevant question is "do those who are our children expect instant acceptance?"  I think I know how you would answer that as you seem like a very strong and loving parent.

You child knows what this means.  Many who survive gender dysphoria past puberty bury it in order to survive society.  Until they can't anymore and that's when a person either ends it all or they confront the hand they were dealt.  You are trusted enough to be told this secret about your child and it wouldn't have been confessed to you if rejection was an expected possibility.  Telling another about this issue is probably the most difficult thing your child has ever done.

Your position sucks right now.  I know.  The very fact you came here for support instead of outright rejecting your child is a testament to your love, though.  It gets better and maybe you will actually end up being grateful that you may now know the root issue to their depression and suicidal behavior.  Telling you may be a final attempt to survive. 

You can either let this tear you down the rest of the way or maybe you and your child can support each other in ways you never were capable of before.  Tell your child about your depression and ask for support from them.  You need support, as well.

Please speak to your therapist about this and line your child up with a therapist who specializes in gender issues.  Your depression seems to stem from feeling helpless with trying to help your kids but here's a chance to literally save the life of one of them.  This may end up saving you, as well.

Please be good to yourself and don't criticize your own reactions. 

[arice]

The more relevant question is "do those who are our children expect instant acceptance?"  I think I know how you would answer that as you seem like a very strong and loving parent.

You child knows what this means.  Many who survive gender dysphoria past puberty bury it in order to survive society.  Until they can't anymore and that's when a person either ends it all or they confront the hand they were dealt.  You are trusted enough to be told this secret about your child and it wouldn't have been confessed to you if rejection was an expected possibility.  Telling another about this issue is probably the most difficult thing your child has ever done.

Your position sucks right now.  I know.  The very fact you came here for support instead of outright rejecting your child is a testament to your love, though.  It gets better and maybe you will actually end up being grateful that you may now know the root issue to their depression and suicidal behavior.  Telling you may be a final attempt to survive. 

You can either let this tear you down the rest of the way or maybe you and your child can support each other in ways you never were capable of before.  Tell your child about your depression and ask for support from them.  You need support, as well.

Please speak to your therapist about this and line your child up with a therapist who specializes in gender issues.  Your depression seems to stem from feeling helpless with trying to help your kids but here's a chance to literally save the life of one of them.  This may end up saving you, as well.

Please be good to yourself and don't criticize your own reactions.

I agree with every word of this.
I also want to stress the importance of being open and honest with your child. Too often, as parents, we want to hide our struggles from our children. While we are trying to protect them, we often harm them. Let your child know that you are depressed that you are struggling and that will help your child know that they aren't alone. Reinforce that you love them with your whole heart and will always do so but that you are processing this information and grieving the son you knew. Let your child know how you feel without blaming them for the feelings. Work together through these changes and emotions. You clearly love your child and let that shine through.

Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk