An odd way to think of things?

[Angelyng357]

So, as I am coming to terms with being a MTF transgender, I am, of course, running through scenarios about coming out to my friends and family about this.  I've stated that I expect rejection, partly because of their views, partly because of my own low self esteem.  But something crossed my mind today.  As I've been reading over things on here, seeing alot of older MTF's, talking about their issues with spouses, family, children, I kind of feel like starting now is good.  Not only for me, but for everyone around me.  The way i see it, if i continued to live as a man, I would end up in a similar situation as the older members here.  possibly running into divorce (which I have issues with already.) and problems with whatever children I would end up with.  I know my feelings won't go away.  I've been trying to deny that for half my life already, with nothing changing expect a stronger desire to be female. To sum up my feelings, a big part of why i want to transition is to save more people from being hurt worse later on.  the obvious reasons are because it feels right and because earlier means (most likely) easier passing and longer life as a woman, but that stands out to me more than those right now.  I kind of care more about others than i do myself, a lot of the time. While this is about me, it also effects those i love and care about.  It will hurt, i have no doubts.  they may reject me completely.  But its better now than later, right? 

Has anyone ever had thoughts similar to this?  I would love to talk about this more in depth than the essay i have already written.

[Laura_7]

Many people when asked what they regret say they would have liked to do it sooner.


*hugs*

[Angelyng357]

Yes.  I have heard that a few times.  I'm more curious about the "transitioning to save more people from being hurt" part.

[Ms Grace]

The only time that is right is the time time that is right for you.

I know the vast number of members who are indeed struggling with their partners/wives and children would still say that if they had transitioned earlier they wouldn't have known the love of their partner, that they wouldn't have missed out on having and raising their children for the world. You can't sell any life experience short.

Yes there are regrets about not doing it earlier for many over the age of 18 (not just 25, 35, 45, 55...) I myself had the chance to do it 25 years ago and was so, so close but I was also an emotional wreck and lacked self confidence. Twenty five years later I was able to approach my transition as a stronger more confident and determined person.

If you feel ready to go ahead with it now that is great, go for it, but that "low esteem" and expectations of rejection you talked about? You really need to work on bolstering that ASAP, I'm speaking from experience.

I'm more curious about the "transitioning to save more people from being hurt" part.

Your actions do not hurt people, how they chose to react and respond is what hurts them. They could be "that's great, I'm really happy for you" and they won't feel hurt or they could be "how could you do this to me - blame, blame, blame"... and that's the attitude and their grief over "losing" the male version of you that hurts them, not your actual decision to transition.

Many people in relationships and marriages have been denying they were trans, hoping the relationship would "cure" them, or they've been feeling miserable and not really aware that they were trans at all until the answer slaps them in the face one day in their mid life. Regardless, their partners feel like they've been "lied to" since day one even if that isn't the case. You are in a position of knowing already that you are trans and want to transition, so yes, if you get into a relationship and do not tell your partner that you are trans then yes you are potentially setting the groundwork to betray their trust. As with any relationship honesty and transparency is the key, but chances are that most cis, straight women will not be interested in marrying a trans woman.

[Angelyng357]

Already am working on self esteem with my therapist. And also trying to see if i can be a bit more optimistic about coming out to my friends and family.

I can agree to thinking that a relationship would "fix" me. didn't work out at all, only made things more difficult, being jealous of my girlfriend at the time for everything girly and womanly she could do. (relationship wasn't good, either. but thats a whole other thing.) While I might "miss out" on having a wife and having kids with her, i might also be able to find a woman just as well as a woman.  granted, finding one who has similar views to things would prove difficult, but not impossible.  just very, very hard. 

I can see where my views on life already might be different from the vast majority of the transgendered community. The way i see it, people will be hurt because of the loss of the male version of me, because thats all they have known me as.  maybe they will accept me as a woman, but the loss of my male side is there.  it may have been a mask that i wore, and the true me is a woman, but no matter their attitude towards transgenders, there is loss.  I feel like even people who say "thats great, I'm happy for you" experience a loss of sorts, maybe not one they care to admit in order to be supportive of you. in essence, the choice to transition does hurt people, though to say it's the other persons fault completely is not right.  i do not advocate the hatefulness towards transgenders. Its wrong to be that way towards anyone. I do not agree with the notion that it's the other persons fault for being hurt by something you chose. My opinion is that people do have a right to feel hurt by something someone else choses, especially when it affects them in some way.  people may even feel like its a bad choice and may try to convince me that I'm hurting myself by pursuing this.  a lot of choices in the world are like that. It hurts to see anyone make choices that you personally feel are not right. no one will agree on everything all the time, and some moral choices to some may not be to others.

A bit lengthy, sorry.

[Ms Grace]

Yes, family in particular seem very attached to the idea of us as a specific gender rather than seeing us as a person first and foremost.