spouse of a trans woman

[poofymommy]

I am new to all of this. My husband and I have been together since mid 2007 and married since mid 2010. My husband told me in October of 2015 that he is a trans woman. I have been struggling with how to handle, process, and deal with this. He wants to dress as a woman, but only at home. He wants me to okay with it. at this point I am not. he has gone from keeping his hair cut really short, growing a goatee in the winter and wearing men's clothing to letting his hair grow, shaving almost every day, he has even shaved his legs, he now buys women's body was and shampoo.  I had found women's clothing in a place that we used to live and I just brushed it off thinking that I t was maybe left behind by the previous owner.  I am not sure how to process all of this.  I am not sure how to be okay with all of this. I love my husband very much.  I do NOT love him any less because of this.  I would like someone that I can maybe Skype with about this.  I would like to chat with someone that is in a similar situation than I am.  I hope someone out there can help me.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. We have several SOs who are active in the SO forum lately who should be on for you to chat with. I suspect that your husband has reached the point were something has to happen in order deal with the pressure that has been accumulating for years. I fall under title of transsexual and I needed a full transition but that isn't true of everybody. There are other on the site who are comfortable with "vacations" from normal life and spend much of their life presenting as their birth gender. A gender therapist would be a good idea for your husband to sort out his feelings.

As for you, this isn't going to be easy because you will have to explore your feelings about this and decide what you are comfortable with. If you can find a compromise that you are comfortable with, your marriage will survive and may be better that it is now. A therapist and couples consoling would help you explore your feelings so you can decide what is right for you.

Take your time in dealing with this because you could regret a snap decision. Your husband has lived with this for years and has thought about it a great deal. You on the other hand have had only a few months to think about this. Feel free to ask me any questions you have and I will do my best to answer them.

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[Jacqueline]

If I can intrude for a moment from the other side as well.

Dena is right. This is a tough road. It is usually something we have been dealing with our whole lives and when our spouses or SO's find out... Many of us had been hiding parts of ourselves or pushing masculine qualities while holding on to huge amounts of shame, worth issues and fear. I came out to my wife last year. I am 51, we have been married 25 years, with 3 teen daughters and I love her very much. It is a hard thing for all to work through(I say this without everyone knowing about me yet).

Your emotions are as valid as your SO's. Therapy is often helpful and encouraged for both parties.

I don't know how this will turn out for you. My wife and I don't know how it will turn out for us. However, communications seem to be a key in making any of this work out.

I am sorry you have to work through this. I hope you come to a spot that is comfortable for you both.

Also as Dena said there are some other SO's that are on and have been through different versions of a similar experience. If I can be of help, don't be afraid to ask.

With warmth,

Joanna

[amberwaves]

Hi poofymommy,

You story mimics that of my wife's to an extent.  The timeline is eeriely similar.  We've been together since March 2007, married March 2010, I cam out to her January 2016.  My wife unfortunately is not a member of Susan's and therefore not really an option to talk with.

I am glad to hear that you don't love your spouse any less because of this.  It is incredibly difficult to come to terms with.  I showed almost no signs of being trans to others until around November 2015.  That was when I decided that I was going to allow myself to indulge in crossdressing and not care what the world thought.  My wife knew that I occasionally wore panties before and was okay with it.  Somewhere around 2011 we were being experimental and I got to fully dress.  This was a first for both of us.  She was incredibly uncomfortable with it and the physical appearance of it weirded her out.  So it was dropped and not brought up again.  For me most of the signs were internal and others were not privy to my thoughts.  I had believed it to be just some sexual fetish.

After beginning to experiment in November I discovered how liberating it was and began to question everything.  I researched the subject and pieces started to click into place.  I found that I had been repressing my feminine side for almost my entire life and that had turned me into a terrible person.  I allowed myself to start expressing my feminine interests and discovered that it allowed me to be a better, more patient and caring husband, father, and person.

As has been stated communication is critical.  Your husband came out to you which is an incredibly brave act.  I do not know your husband, nor can I divine any information from your post so I cannot make any reasonable assumptions about his frame of mind or experiences.  You know him and are now beginning to know all of him.  Keep the lines of communication open and try to discover more about his experiences and motivations.  It may help you to come to terms with things better. Constant communication is important, not just a one off situation.

You are seeking a perspective from someone who has been through this, which is a big step that should be quite helpful.  It is unclear what specifically you are having problems with.  It sounds very much like the appearance or just fact of him presenting as female is the primary part you can't tolerate.  One thing that I can say is that appearances can be tolerated over time.  It's a process of adjustment.  Without knowing more details I can't comment on other aspects of it.  My wife has been incredibly supportive.  She still is somewhat uncomfortable with the appearance of me en femme.  Slowly we are adjusting.

I hope you find the help you seek.  I also hope things go well for both of you.

Amber

[PrincessButtercup]

I am new to all of this. My husband and I have been together since mid 2007 and married since mid 2010. My husband told me in October of 2015 that he is a trans woman. I have been struggling with how to handle, process, and deal with this. He wants to dress as a woman, but only at home. He wants me to okay with it. at this point I am not. he has gone from keeping his hair cut really short, growing a goatee in the winter and wearing men's clothing to letting his hair grow, shaving almost every day, he has even shaved his legs, he now buys women's body was and shampoo.  I had found women's clothing in a place that we used to live and I just brushed it off thinking that I t was maybe left behind by the previous owner.  I am not sure how to process all of this.  I am not sure how to be okay with all of this. I love my husband very much.  I do NOT love him any less because of this.  I would like someone that I can maybe Skype with about this.  I would like to chat with someone that is in a similar situation than I am.  I hope someone out there can help me.

From one spouse to another, welcome! You're not alone. My husband now shaves all of his body hair: legs, chest, arms... everything. He also uses a less masculine, but more gender neutral body wash & shampoo, as well as women's deodorant. Right now he's also walking around with bright red toenails and yellow nail polish. Not things I ever envisioned to be a part of my future. He almost exclusively wears panties these days and he wears full on lingerie for sex. Again, not things I ever thought I'd be dealing with. He's not on a MtF transition track, he considers himself gender fluid. He wants to be able to wear dresses and such around the house when the mood strikes his fancy but has of yet to do that because he's afraid of the negative reaction he'll receive from me and how it might hurt him too much at this stage. I'm an eye roller and I tend to get bristly (so I'm told on both accounts) when I'm in situations I don't like. I've warned him that's likely going to be my reaction the first few times regardless of whether it's tomorrow, next week/month, or 5 years from now. I will have to get used to it after I'm exposed to it. He currently has several women's outfits hanging in our closet as well as a lot of women's shoes. I just avoid looking in that direction when I go to get my clothes every day.

I have a few SO's who email me directly so we can talk about things amongst ourselves. I'm always willing to be your shoulder to cry on, the person willing to listen if you just need to vent, whatever. I'll PM you my private email address. Feel free to reach out to me or not, it's up to you.

Hang in there! You're most assuredly not alone as you navigate this mine field.

[1xxMiaxx1]

I roll my eyes too, and giggle at his choose of outfits. Its still strange to me. He shaves his legs under his arms. But he is still every much a man. He's not going to transition, he would love to in theory. He didn't tell me till after 9 months of marriage about his situation. I've taken the dominant sex roll which I like and I'm fine with. he would like to go out in public dressed as a woman but he would still look like a man as a woman. I don't want to go out like that he will have go by himself for that. We live in a rural area I'm surprised he didn't go down to live in a city community. It's a struggle girl, a lot of compromising, they can be very selfish with this topic I'm not sure why that's okay, I'm going to be just as selfish with my identity, I already have to curb my girl stuff cuz he gets jealous.

There isn't much interaction with the wife's of these men on any sites I've been on. mine would like to dress like a man but I have boobs and vagina,  why they're not that great. But I love him and we work at it everyday.

[poofymommy]

Thank you all for your replies.  I greatly appreciate them.  It helps a lot.  My husband and I are working on things every day.  It is one step at a time. One of you said that communication is key, and I totally agree!!!  I also same a lot of the same feelings as some of you.  I honestly don't think I could ever go out in public with him dressed a  woman.  He stated to me just last evening that he does not ever want to do that. He stated that he just wants to be able to explore his feminine side and be to dress up in private. At this point I don't want to see it.  He has a bit of a hard time with that. But the way I see it is if he wants to dress up, then he can fulfill that need and desire, but I should not have to be forced into it.  Although I am not on Skype right now, I would like to be able to "text" with someone anonymously during the day.  It would be a lot better for me and easier to reply to someone.  My husband has a friend she is a trans woman named "Ashleigh" and they Skype just about  every day.  I would like to have someone to do that with.  Someone that does not really know all about me or my husband, but also someone that I can be open with about this.  Someone other than my therapist which I just started seeing and have only seen her twice since February.  Please let me know.  If not that's cool.  I hope and pray that every one is doing well.  I will keep my mind and my heart to my husband, him being trans, and all the responses and helpful information I get from all of you.  Thank you all.  You all have been most helpful.------poofymommy

[Jacqueline]

I suspect you mean to another SO. If it would help to talk to someone more in your spouse's situation, let me know and I will get my skype info to you.

Joanna

[Marienz]

I am new to all of this. My husband and I have been together since mid 2007 and married since mid 2010. My husband told me in October of 2015 that he is a trans woman. I have been struggling with how to handle, process, and deal with this. He wants to dress as a woman, but only at home. He wants me to okay with it. at this point I am not. he has gone from keeping his hair cut really short, growing a goatee in the winter and wearing men's clothing to letting his hair grow, shaving almost every day, he has even shaved his legs, he now buys women's body was and shampoo.  I had found women's clothing in a place that we used to live and I just brushed it off thinking that I t was maybe left behind by the previous owner.  I am not sure how to process all of this.  I am not sure how to be okay with all of this. I love my husband very much.  I do NOT love him any less because of this.  I would like someone that I can maybe Skype with about this.  I would like to chat with someone that is in a similar situation than I am.  I hope someone out there can help me.

HI,
Welcome to Susans place, you are definitely around friends here:) I have been in the same situation as you, in regards to the shaving of body hair, using woman's body wash and deodorants.
You obviously adore your husband very much, as you say, you do no love him any less because of this. My best advise is to work through this together, whilst of course looking after yourself, be kind to yourself and do things that make you happy.
Being completely honest with you, it will be a hard road, but one that can be worked at together. It is allot of process, you could do therapy together and individually to gain more insight. Can I also suggest, reading through other parts of this forum to gain more understanding of the Trans person as well.
I am here if you wish to chat..... hugs xxx