So, I come off as fragile,

[AlexW]

...my mentor/counselor/life coach explained when I met her. A bit of a rant, not really a question I just want to express myself to people who might get it.

I mean, I agree, I AM emotionally fragile atm. I'm autistic and have been going through roughly 18 months of nearly constant stress and anxiety, all out of my control. So much has been going really wrong, so I cry really easily and have lost a lot of weight. I am fragile. I'm also super closeted, except for you guys and two of my RL friends, one of which told me that she "hoped I'd learn how to be normal" the other day referring to both my autism and my gender identity.

I want to come out to my mentor, but at the same time, I'm not sure she'd take me seriously after this if I do. I mean, will she think it's something down to stress? Emotional distress? my autism? She keeps using very gendered language, but I feel like if I ask her to stop that, she'll dig into why insistently. I just don't trust her enough for that yet. I mean, I can 100% see why it would help with everything if I came out to her and she took me seriously, but at the same time, if she doesn't? I wouldn't be able to work with her anymore, all the nascent trust we built would be gone, and I would have to tell my social worker that I need someone else, and my SW already doesn't take me very seriously, and might decide I'm being difficult for no reason.
Autistic life is sometimes so freaking fraught with these stupid stress/anxiety situations. It's hard enough trying to act like a neurotypical adult without people calling me out on my obvious failures to do so. How will I ever pass as a man if I can't even pass as neurotypical? Why did she feel the need to point out that I'm fragile? It didn't help, it just made me cry.

Sorry for ranting, I know I'm just being a weenie.

[Peep]

I cry my eyes out every time i talk aloud about my gender identity. If it didn't make me emotional, I'd be worried

If being gendered incorrectly is causing you a lot of stress, maybe it's worth the risk to ask for help and change. It seems like either way you'll be stressed - but if you don't look for positive change, it'll never happen. Your mentor might be the help you need.

Also you might tell your friend you hope one day she'll learn some manners! People can be very careless when they throw around words like 'normal'

There are a few autistic people on here i think, and i also came across a few support groups for LGBTQIA autistic people on tumblr, like Queering Autism, if you're looking for more people in similar situations, they allow you to ask questions anonymously.

[haeden]

It sounds like getting a new mentor and SW wouldn't be the worst thing. Your mentor seems like a bully. She knows your history and what you're going through and basically called you a baby. That's so not cool. She's supposed to help you through life not crap on you. Also if you can't trust her with something as important as your gender identity then you should get a new one. She's gonna be with you for years. Your mentor should be someone you feel comfortable calling on when you're like 30 and need trusted advice. She doesn't really seem like that kind of person to you.
You're SW is in a position that requires understanding and compassion. She's messed up for not showing respect towards you. Is there anyone else you can talk to about getting new mentor and SW?

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[haeden]

Oh and your friend really isn't the best either. Nobody is normal and for her to tell you that she wants you to be normal because you're autistic is horrible and then she topped the crap cake with referring to you being trans too. If she's a trusted friend enough for you to tell her your secret and not your mentor then I would seriously consider sitting her down to clear the air with her. I don't like to see friendships end so I hope talking to her gets her on the same page with you and she is no longer so insensitive

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[Moneyless]

I think it would be a good idea to come out to your mentor and if she is not supportive, then she is not a mentor you should be seeing.

Being emotional about your identity is normal. The first time I came out to one  of my friends I had a really bad panic attack and I only told her over text, I was just in my room. The second time I told another friend in person and I just cried. When I told my parents, I had a panic attack right infront of them. It's not abnormal to be emotional or 'fragile' about it.

Also, about your friend, you should explain to them about what gender dysphoria really is because either she/he isn't educated and thinks it's a 'phase' or 'choice', or they just shouldn't be your friend.

[Ayden]

I don't know how you know or met your mentor but I've done mentor work with several organizations both before and after transition and I work in mental health currently. Any mentor or provider for mental health worth anything will never laugh at you. If they do, then *they* are not worth *your* time.

When I was a mentor and in my current job I have heard a lot of things. I have had people tell me things that shocked and surprised me, but I have never made the people disclosing to feel less than supported.

Being fragile is not uncommon. The night I told my father in law, he was exceptionally supportive.  I still bawled my eyes out because I felt exposed and vulnerable.  I was totally accepted and even commended for what I was going through and I still cried as soon as I was alone.

As for your friend, I'm sorry to say,  she sounds like a bad friend. I work with people who have a host of diagnoses. One of the guys I work with is autistic and he's one of my favorite people to talk to. 'Normal' is a term we hear a lot as trans people. It turns out that 'normal' is something that no one is. The human condition doesn't have a normal.  The only normal about humans is that we all are human.

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[AlexW]

...Your mentor should be someone you feel comfortable calling on when you're like 30 and need trusted advice.

Funny you should mention, and I know I come off as really young sometimes, but I actually AM 30. I turned 30 this month.
Here in Denmark, no matter who you are, if you don't have work they assign you a social worker. I finished business school (highschool with extra classes on finance and well...business) at 21, but couldn't get a job because I come off as really naive/weird. (No, really, that was the feedback I'd get). I took a couple of years off before business school to help my sister deal with becoming a teen mom, she needed a lot of support at the time.

Since I'm also autistic and have not managed to get a university degree yet, despite trying, my SW (SW numero ...13?) has decided that I need the mentor, and I agree. I need the support, especially since they've decided that a UNI degree is absolutely something I should have because they've decided that I'm "too intelligent" to work the "low-skill" jobs I was trying to get. IDK, the culture here in DK has pretty much decided that everyone out of work should have a degree unless they are mentally incapable, which technically I'm not. It's gross, classist, and ableist, but that's what the system I'm in is like.

Also, about your friend, you should explain to them about what gender dysphoria really is because either she/he isn't educated and thinks it's a 'phase' or 'choice', or they just shouldn't be your friend.

God, I've explained it so many times to her, but it just seems to hit a mental block. She seems to think I'm "doing it for attention" both the autism and that I'm trans, even though I'm closeted and, you know, actually autistic.
I'm very bad at making friends, so I am also VERY reluctant to disassociate with people when they turn out to not be very good friends, cause it seems so unlikely that I'll be able to replace them.

Oh and your friend really isn't the best either. Nobody is normal and for her to tell you that she wants you to be normal because you're autistic is horrible and then she topped the crap cake with referring to you being trans too. If she's a trusted friend enough for you to tell her your secret and not your mentor then I would seriously consider sitting her down to clear the air with her. I don't like to see friendships end so I hope talking to her gets her on the same page with you and she is no longer so insensitive

I really think I must have set her off or something because she blocked me on facebook when I tried to talk to her about this. We've been friends for 8 years, and yeah sometimes she lashes out harshly, but she's never blocked me before, so I have to assume I did something.

I'm not focussed enough to reply to everything else yet, except thank you all very much for being so supportive. It means so much to me. You guys rock.

[haeden]

Funny you should mention, and I know I come off as really young sometimes, but I actually AM 30. I turned 30 this month.
Here in Denmark, no matter who you are, if you don't have work they assign you a social worker. I finished business school (highschool with extra classes on finance and well...business) at 21, but couldn't get a job because I come off as really naive/weird. (No, really, that was the feedback I'd get). I took a couple of years off before business school to help my sister deal with becoming a teen mom, she needed a lot of support at the time.

Since I'm also autistic and have not managed to get a university degree yet, despite trying, my SW (SW numero ...13?) has decided that I need the mentor, and I agree. I need the support, especially since they've decided that a UNI degree is absolutely something I should have because they've decided that I'm "too intelligent" to work the "low-skill" jobs I was trying to get. IDK, the culture here in DK has pretty much decided that everyone out of work should have a degree unless they are mentally incapable, which technically I'm not. It's gross, classist, and ableist, but that's what the system I'm in is like.

Ah sorry! Well she should still be someone you feel comfortable calling on later in life regardless of your current age. She doesn't seem like someone you really trust right now. How long have you had her?
I don't really know how the system here in America works to compare it to so I can't comment on that.

God, I've explained it so many times to her, but it just seems to hit a mental block. She seems to think I'm "doing it for attention" both the autism and that I'm trans, even though I'm closeted and, you know, actually autistic.

I'm utterly flabbergast! How do you fake autism?! Sure she may not understand what it means to be trans and hasn't come to terms with it so I'd see her saying it about being trans but autism?! I'm sure you don't want to be in the system because of your autism or want the symptoms that come with being autistic. That's just not the type of attention you want I'm sure. Her ignorance is starting to look more like she just doesn't care enough about you to actually see what you're going through. There's no way she doesn't know that there is a spectrum of autism and someone's autism can be so mild it's hardly noticed or extremely server

I'm very bad at making friends, so I am also VERY reluctant to disassociate with people when they turn out to not be very good friends, cause it seems so unlikely that I'll be able to replace them.

I really think I must have set her off or something because she blocked me on facebook when I tried to talk to her about this. We've been friends for 8 years, and yeah sometimes she lashes out harshly, but she's never blocked me before, so I have to assume I did something.

I'm not focussed enough to reply to everything else yet, except thank you all very much for being so supportive. It means so much to me. You guys rock.

Like I said I don't like seeing friendships end but I have to say she definitely doesn't seem like she cares to be a good friend to you. I mean it's been 8 years and she doesn't believe you have autism?! Ridiculous!
You did nothing wrong don't think you did because you didn't. She's being a crappy friend for ignoring you when you're asking for support and a crappy person too in general. If she decides to stop acting like a child then try to talk to her and make your friendship better but don't worry too much about it. I went through something similar with my good friend and it stressed me out and hurt me deeply until I realized I did nothing wrong to deserve her silent treatment and told her if she wants to start being friends again or needs anything let me know

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[AnxietyDisord3r]

I'm also super closeted, except for you guys and two of my RL friends, one of which told me that she "hoped I'd learn how to be normal" the other day referring to both my autism and my gender identity.

Look, as someone on the spectrum, with multiple family members on the spectrum (as well as trans with several family members who are trans--really!) that was an incredibly cruel thing to say (and she probably doesn't even realize it.

Being aneurotypical makes us different. It gives us a different perspective. It makes social learning a laborious, life-long progress, but as someone who didn't even have their autism identified until their 20s, the steps I have taken to learn those socials skills on my own have been worth it. I had to learn a lot of emotional intelligence/cognitive behavioral skills as well. CBT therapy has helped. Also a willingness on my part to modify my behavior. But I won't ever be a normie and I don't care. Who I am is worthwhile and valuable.

Your friend needs to learn to accept you as well as love you. Loving you, she wants you to be happy. But she needs to accept those things about you are not going away and you have to live in a society that can be kind of ->-bleeped-<-ty to people with learning disorders and people who are gender non-conforming. I hope if she finds acceptance she can take the step to be an ally and challenge a society that does such terrible stuff to us for no good reason.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Like I said I don't like seeing friendships end but I have to say she definitely doesn't seem like she cares to be a good friend to you. I mean it's been 8 years and she doesn't believe you have autism?! Ridiculous!
You did nothing wrong don't think you did because you didn't. She's being a crappy friend for ignoring you when you're asking for support and a crappy person too in general.

Yep, this is starting to sound more like 'user' now that more of the story has come out. When I was in my early 20s, terrible self esteem and poor social skills and out of school with that support network, I attracted these kinds of people and got taken for a ride.

Also, the DK situation for disabled people sounds terrible. In the US we have laws about hiring and keeping on people with disabilities. I have a university degree but I took a blue collar job after a period of spotty underemployment. The blue collar job let me pay my bills and offered lots of opportunities TO IMPROVE MY SOCIAL SKILLS. Uni does not improve social skills. Makes them worse, if anything.

[AlexW]

Sooo, after dithering over coming out to my mentor, I finally did several days ago. Apparently I am also, in addition to fragile, kind of obviously trans. Now I'm wondering if I fool anyone, or if I'm the only one who thinks I'm closeted.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Heh, beats being told "but you were such a girly girl!" (Only in your own mind, dummy.)