Coming out of the woodwork

[Michelle_P]

Well,coming out, anyway!   

I've got a female brain in the wrong body, and that silent alarm in the back of my head has, after all these decades, become too much to handle.  In early March I just came apart at the seams, telling my wife about my depression, anxiety, and the awful dysphoria that was driving me towards suicide.  I got referred to a very good therapist, and have been learning how to fight back, step out of the way of the blackness, and keep moving forward.

I was cross-dressing at a very early age (before I was eight, as best as I can recall), and went through all the fun stuff (getting caught, ridicule, embarrassment.  The usual.  ) Hey, my folks even got me to a therapist when I was 15.  "We can try a combination of electro-convulsive therapy and Faradic aversion treatments." (Yes, that long ago.)  My mom saved me from that, fortunately.  I attended private religious elementary and high school, and got quite proficient in Latin and repression.

I think I was in my early 30s when I figured out what I really was, but being married with children by then I 'did the right thing' and buried my secrets deep.  I remember interviewing a woman in early transition for a technical position.  The poor gal really needed electrolysis, or at least really good foundation, but she needed the job more.  I did my damnedest to try and get her through the interview process, but others participating just made the usual s->-bleeped-<-ing jokes and we didn't hire her.  They thought it was 'funny' how I just did a straight interview without the wisecracks.  I had a pretty good idea of how she felt, though, and wanted to treat her like any other job candidate.

At my last job, I had a coworker I was in daily contact with transition.  In a meeting room, with just the two of us, I quietly commented that I thought she might be the bravest person I knew.  She just looked at me and said, "It's not being brave.  I have to do this."

I think that now I understand.

I've had my first therapy session, and have explained to my wife what I'm facing, and bits of my past that I've kept hidden.  She's handled this better than I thought she would.  I'm not sure she realizes that I'm still dressing, or what is really ahead, so I'm going to try and get her to come to my third therapy session.  My second one is tomorrow, and I plan to go fully dressed.  It's a safe environment, and should be OK for my first time 'out'.

To the admins and moderators:  You've put together a great site here.  Thanks.
To all the members posting: Thank you!  Your stories and information have been incredibly helpful to me as I lurked about here.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. We are about the same age but I started my transition at age 23 and finished it at age 30. It was very difficult to do then and I had to move 400 miles away from family in order to find the help I needed. You may or may not have notice it but we run a SO forum where your wife may post if she needs it. We heavily moderate the areas so that SOs may express their feeling free from the pressures of others on the site.

I joined this site for information on voice surgery about a year ago and discovered that could help others with their transition so if you need anything, feel free to ask me.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[V M]

Hi Michelle 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[DogSpirit]

Hi, Michelle,

Wow: You are so brave to have had The Talk with your wife. I'm glad it went relatively well! And including her in your therapy sessions sounds like a path to gaining her support. What a help that would be.

And you're totally right: this is a great site.

-- Sue

[Michelle_P]

You may or may not have notice it but we run a SO forum where your wife may post if she needs it. We heavily moderate the areas so that SOs may express their feeling free from the pressures of others on the site.

Oh, thank you!   I hadn't noticed that area before.  I read through a number of threads there last night, and it gave me some good ideas that I discussed in today's therapy session.  Having a really good, nonjudgemental therapist to work through these things is incredibly helpful.

I think I understand that while I've got all the new things I want to try, it's very important to not rush things for our significant others.  They may already have a feeling of broken trust when we reveal that we have a whole hidden life they were unaware of, and that is going to take time to mend.  I can live with small steps, as long as I can see a way forward.

Oh, I got "ma'amed" by the receptionist.    I'm under no illusion that I pass, though.  The therapists have them trained well.   

[Michelle_P]

Well, it turns out that even in therapy, and having told the immediate family, some days are going to be better than others.  I went through a really bad patch the last couple of days.  Not with family, but in my own head.

I think I lost the knack of stepping back from the depression and dysphoria, and wound up wallowing in them.  Bad, bad move!  I found myself getting papers in order, checking that the will and trust documents and financials were all in order, and digging around for approaches to a reliable end for myself.  Not good.  My wife and 20-something daughter figured out something was wrong and talked me down.  I'm doing better now.

I'm not allowing myself to have more than a few minutes alone right now.  Too darn dangerous for me.  As I said, I'm doing better now.  Damn, that stuff is sneaky.  It all seems so reasonable while in the grip of that deadly state of mind.

The good news now is that there are enough folks with our little issues in the area that my HMO is setting up a group session.  I'll be in that along with the individual sessions to help me through the rough patches.  I'm actually looking forward to group sessions, as I feel that they'll leave me less isolated.

So, I still can see a path forward.  Small steps, small steps...

[Dena]

What you are feeling isn't very uncommon. The wall that held back the emotions for years are down and you are learning to swim. I went through much the same thing and the good news is that it tends to last a few weeks to a month or two. When you start seeing progress in therapy or your transition the depression will be reduced. Proper treatment will completely eliminate what you feel now. I am not exactly sure when I last felt that but it was between 33 and 36 years ago. You just need to hang in there a little longer and you will be on your way to a new and better life.

[Cindy]

Hi Michelle,

Yep this is a bumpy ride. Good days bad days and doubts and uncertainty and all of a sudden.....you are you.

There is no time frame there is no particularly easy way. It is a growth of personality and acceptance; for everyone concerned.

Do keep communication open and free with your wife and children. They sound wonderful.

Be ready for a comment; a lovely comment when it comes.

You seem so happy now. I never knew you where in so much pain. I like to see you happy.

[Michelle_P]

Thanks, Dena and Cindy!  The support from folks here has been wonderful, and just seeing the posts from others in this situation has been both helpful and uplifting.

I really do think things will get better, and am working in that direction.  Michelle is getting her own drawer in the walk-in closet, with my wife's permission, so no more hiding anything!  I think that's a very good thing.  The hiding seems so terribly destructive.

My wife hasn't seen me dressed at this point, which is just fine.  I've dropped quite enough on here for a while, and want her to get used to the idea that hubby isn't quite what she thought, but still loves her very much.  My daughter hasn't' seen me dressed either, but I strongly suspect that her reaction would involve much laughter.  I'm fine with that.  I know all too well how silly I can look.     (Tootsie vs Mrs Doubtfire in a Death Match...)  In the abstract, this is a pretty silly looking problem to have.  It's only when it happens to us that it hurts.

Small steps.  Always small steps...

[Dena]

You might be very surprised how your daughter handles it. Transgender kids are common in school now and if she didn't know any, she may have been educated about proper manors. Even if she laughs, she might then proceed to help you get your fashion sense straightened out.

Don't think about how you will look to much because often we turn out far better than we think. Looking at the before and after thread will show you how a few simple changes often can completely alter our appearance. It takes time and you are still at the starting gate.

[Michelle_P]

A followup:

I've had two therapy sessions related to anxiety/depression. and they've really helped.  I presented as female at the second session, and a few days later I got a referral to a gender therapist.  For my third session, tomorrow, I'm bringing my wife.  I'm hoping that this will help both of us and smooth things for a future together.

Meanwhile, I had my first (intake) session with the gender therapist today.  Again, I presented as female, and we did the usual (Hah!  Now it's routine!) history and background.  This session went very well.  I have another appointment in a week.  If that one goes well, the therapist indicated I could get a referral to the endocrinologist.   

Wheee!

I'm pretty sure I've correctly identified the source of my anxiety and depression as internalized transphobia.  (It's a social disease.  You catch it from living in a transphobic society.    )  I'll talk this over with my anxiety/depression therapist, and we'll either be done there, or we'll use another session for my wife and I.

So, things are getting better, even while I appear to be living in the waiting rooms of therapists.  (What's the name for having an extreme fear of therapist bills???)

I've been waking up happy, with my brain in 'girl mode' much of the past week.  I've even been shifting to that state while presenting male, so I have a feeling that the male persona is headed for retirement soon.  Gosh, but it feels good!

[Michelle_P]

Another good day!

My therapy session with my wife went about as well as expected.  She went, which is actually a very good sign right there.  (I keep expecting to be tossed out, and that keeps not happening, so there's hope for the future.  )

We talked about what might actually happen, including the inevitable "No, I am NOT Caitlyn!" moments.  What's right for Cait and their family business isn't right for me, thankyouverymuch.

Now, my wife has only known about my little quirk for about 6 weeks, while I've had 6 decades, so she's still shaky from the T bomb being dropped on her.  That said, she's putting up with my 'secret' dressing, wearing the usual bits beneath guy clothes while I'm passing as male. She's OK with my reserving a drawer in the walk-in closet for my things.  She's NOT ready to see me presenting as female, or being with me in public while I'm presenting female.  (She was worried that I would be dressed for our therapy appointment today, but out of courtesy I went male.)

We went through some of this stuff in today's session, roughing out ground rules and making sure we would keep communications open, and avoid making each other too uncomfortable.  I think she understands that she'll need to be flexible going forward, too.   It's sort of wearing to go through all of this, but we are making progress. I think she understands that I'm not abandoning her.

I had an interesting comment from the gender therapist yesterday.  She corrected my use of the term cross-dressing.  When I present female, I'm dressing to match my mind's gender.  When I present male, I'm dressing against my mind's gender, and THAT is cross-dressing.  Head explodes...

[Michelle_P]

Another update, many good days later...

I had an appointment with my gender therapist today.  I've been in therapy just short of 3 months now, so I thought that it was about time to apply my passive-aggressive skills that I've honed over the years to try and get things moving.

I got the UCSF "informed consent" form letter that covers risks, timing, and expectations for HRT that they have their patients sign.  I read through it, initialing each page and signing it.   I figured that this would provide my therapist with evidence that I knew what I was doing.

Then, I wrote a self-appraisal and request for HRT.  Back in my pre-retirement days I had annual performance evaluations, and I often wrote my own and handed it to my boss to sign and file.  (That's one way to make sure you get a good review...). I applied the same approach here, using some sample HRT referral letters found on the Web as templates.  I fille this with descriptions of my issues, progress, and assorted personal actions, from underdressing, changing exercises to reduce waist size, out to transitioning my wardrobe from guy jeans and t-shirts to women's jeans and t-shirts. .  I described my family situation, that the folks I live with know what's up, and the wife has agreed to my getting HRT and electrolysis.

I printed out and signed the papers, and wrote up an outline of my goals for the session.

So, today I had my session.  We started off talking about my vacation experience, the dysphoria triggers I have identified (shaving, bathroom mirrors!), and I mentioned that I felt totally fine about myself when presenting female (something about "totally rocking this 60-something body!"), while being very uncomfortable with my male body.

Then, I asked if I could start HRT.  The therapist just turned to the computer, typed for a second, and asked if I preferred morning or afternoon appointments with Endocrinology.

Ah, passive therapy.  All I had to do was ask.

So, I'm out of the woodwork to my immediate family, and now I'm about to light my fuse!

Thanks, everyone, for all your support and help.

[Dena]

The best laid plans of mice and women 

[VictoriaBelle]

Welcome to the site. Reading your story resonates with me. It sounds like your SO could be very understanding and I wish and hope for the best!

[Michelle_P]

Welcome to the site. Reading your story resonates with me. It sounds like your SO could be very understanding and I wish and hope for the best!

Welllllll...  Her approval was less than enthusiastic.  My wife isn't really engaged in the process, and refuses to talk about it.  It's pretty much me talking to her about it, and trying to read her expression (just short of eye-rolling, usually), and making sure that in interpret the monosyllabic responses correctly.  While she's 'permitting' me to undergo HRT and electrolysis, she has also remarked "You're not going to turn into a woman like that Bruce Jenner, are you?", and I explained all the surgeries that went into building Caitlyn Jenner, which I'm not doing on the current plan.

But plans can change...   I view transition not as a process but a journey.  I'm not sure yet what path I may ultimately take.  I knew that I wanted HRT, as my dysphoria, the self-loathing I have for my male body, is severe, and simple dressing wouldn't relieve it in the long run, and the wife doesn't want to see me presenting female.  I need the electrolysis as I'm already prone to razor burn and ingrown hairs, and HRT changes the skin significantly, and would likely make the annoying beard problems much worse.  Besides that, I don't want a beard, hate 5 o'clock shadow, and my wife doesn't want me to grow a beard.

So, my transition is going to result in a bald person wearing women's jeans, shoes, and t-shirts, with boobs.  I'm pretty sure at some point she'll get tired of my jiggling about the house and ask me to put on a bra.     If the cognitive dissonance really gets to her, as I suspect it will, I'll wind up wearing my gray bob'n'bangs wig as well, and we will have to figure out how to deal with any outsiders who (horrors) see me.  (Meanwhile, I spent three days last week running around doing errands, hitting therapy, going out to breakfast and shopping as Michelle.  One of us worries about being seen more than the other.)

Or I'll get thrown out at some point, and just go full time and get on with my life.  This is more likely, realistically.  About 3 out of 4 marriages at my age end with divorce when one partner comes out as transgender.