I am such a wimp :(

[autumn08]

There's nothing wrong with being transgender, I know.  My wife knows it too.  But just because she has no right to be mad doesn't mean she won't be.  If she needs a reason, there are many things for her to be mad about: fear for the implications to our marriage, or reaction to the perceived secrecy.  I'll plead denial rather than secrecy for the first 61 years of my life, but I have known my true gender identity for certain for six months now.  If I stretch it out much longer, an accusation of secrecy would have some validity..

Both your secrecy and gender dysphoria I would present with the same sobriety and objectivity as I would if I was diagnosed with a life threatening disease. If you present with conviction that others should respond as if to a life threatening disease, then I think you would facilitate the most appropriate response. Of course, once they show compassion for your feelings, then show compassion for their feelings, but I think you like most transgender individuals should value themselves more.

Anyway, have you made an progress?

[HappyMoni]

Dear Kathy,
I was thinking about you and your situation. Hope things are going okay for you.
Moni

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Moni.  Thanks for asking.

I have not made any progress.  It is quite a severe mental block for me.  The feeling I get when I try to start the conversation is like I am about to pull the pin on a live grenade or jump off a cliff.  I just can't make myself do it.

I may have to try a Plan B approach.  I am thinking of giving her a note that says something like "There is something I want to discuss with you (don't worry, it's nothing bad), but I am hitting a mental block when I try to bring the subject up.  Could you please help me out by asking me about this note?"  I think that might be enough to get me past the opener.

I am open to suggestions.  The fear of raising the issue is quite overwhelming.

I really appreciate your keeping me accountable.  I need this! 

[JoanneB]

Hi, Moni.  Thanks for asking.

I have not made any progress.  It is quite a severe mental block for me.  The feeling I get when I try to start the conversation is like I am about to pull the pin on a live grenade or jump off a cliff.  I just can't make myself do it.

I may have to try a Plan B approach.  I am thinking of giving her a note that says something like "There is something I want to discuss with you (don't worry, it's nothing bad), but I am hitting a mental block when I try to bring the subject up.  Could you please help me out by asking me about this note?"  I think that might be enough to get me past the opener.

I am open to suggestions.  The fear of raising the issue is quite overwhelming.

I really appreciate your keeping me accountable.  I need this!

Sort of close to how my wife and I handle talking about scary grown up sort of stuff. What we do is essentially schedule and appointment. A time when we both are not distracted or not the right time, and importantly no surprises right out of the blue. Often times the scheduled time response is "How about now?" so either be prepared for now or being forthright how "Now" is not good for you.

As you can imagine, a note to ask about the note, or What's a good to talk about something important? just opens a BIG Can-O-Worms.

As a pointy hair boss once told me, "There is never a good time". But that was about sending me off to some useless training in the middle of multi-million dollar design blitz.

[kathb31]

Hi Kathy

I understand very much how hard this is for you. It took me over a year to get up the courage
to tell my wife about myself - after I decided I needed to. I was convinced that my marriage, and my
life was going to be destroyed. As things turned out, all my kind of crazy, dark scenarios didn't come true
including that she kills me. She was actually very loving and caring, and just very glad I wasn't dying or seeing another woman. I feel very fortunate to have her. I did write a letter to tell her all about myself but never got a chance to give it to her. I had left one of my counselor appt cards laying around and this was the ice-breaker for our big conversation.
I don't know if something like this might work for you. I do know that after telling her was such a relief and a
great burden off my shoulders.

All the best,
Kath