Trapped by the problem of masturbation

[orangejuice]

I've talked about this a lot on this site but sorry if it offends anyone. l've only really come across one or two people talking about this as being part of their struggle so I do wonder if what is up with me is different, but whatever, it all seems pretty obvious now for me. Obviously hopeless. I can't take it.

I pretend I'm a woman and I masturbate. I do it because it makes me feel for a second like I am a woman. I used to cross dress in secret but at around 18 it started making me feel awful, I didn't remotely look like a girl. I stopped and I remember thinking it feels more like I'm a woman when I just imagine it and masturbate.

So I have more or less been addicted to doing that for 9 years. On average probably every day. Sometimes multiple times and sometimes none but never more than a day or two without doing it. A handful of times I have gone a week or so over 9 years. Each time I have a dream I'm a woman and I orgasm. The last time I was on a typical 'guys' holiday, then I had a sex dream I was a girl with one of my friends. That will really mess you up.

I've read about the 'cure' to this activity being to let these feelings in. Let them find an expression outwardly to see if the need to masturbate recedes and I feel better about myself. I would do that. I think it would work. IF I could look somehow female. If I could somehow feel like my appearance in the inside matched who I am. Instead of feeling like 'me' is trapped deep in the back of my head screaming inside this body that I just want to tear to shreds. I just can't handle the unfairness of it all.

If being trans is a spectrum it is entirely possibly that the point at which my desire to be female comes into conflict with how I actually look and causes me a problem, would actually be pretty 'low' on that scale. I didn't looked in the mirror and feel any negative emotions when I was younger. Since I was in my late teens I can't believe how much I've changed. I'm 27 now. It might have been that I'd be alright if I just hadn't turned out to look so horribly cavemanish, in a way that I look around and see that most men don't look like. My hair went from crazy thick to mostly gone and in that repulsive male pattern baldness shape. My forehead somehow got all bumpy with shadows and wrinkes and I hate it. I look like one of those people who looks all stern and angry all the time when I'm not. And the joke is I used to actually be kinda good looking. I just don't get how I've changed so much. A glimpse of my reflection can lead to weeks of depression. It just takes the wind right out of me every time. These features are all as a result of 'masculinzation', but had they not happened (which they could easily have not-looking around at other guys my age) I don't think I'd be as unhappy as I am now and like before I wouldn't care that I had this secret desire to be female.

I spent the last few days looking forward, thinking about trying some things with my appearance and planning buying some androgynous to female clothes after losing a bit of weight. Feeling good and not feeling the need to masturbate. Then I just catch a glimpse of my reflection and I get thrown into that bottomless pit again. And guess what I want to go and imagine I'm a girl and masturbate. Because why not. I can't look physically female. And yes I know hormones and yes I know amazing transformations are possible, but everyone knows the features that are unchangeable and guess what they are all the ones I've got in masculine way big time. Cruelly enough I do have some feminine features, and those are the ones that hormones DO help with.

So I'm trapped in this hole. I can't stop the masturbation because it's the only outlet for these feelings. Another super awesome thing is that when you masturbate you convert testosterone into DHT which is up to ten times more potent. If it's testosterone and estrogen that shape our secondary sex characteristic then it's more than likely my problem with masturbation has played a part in the drastic masculinzation my face has undergone since my younger adult days. An irony that is really sweet to think about.

Regardless of gender, FFS to soften my forehead would make me feel so much better in my own skin. But in my super macho life I couldn't handle people's judgement of that. Friends and family would think me mentally ill. Even wearing a wig as a guy would make me feel so much more comfortable in my own skin. That's how much I loathe looking like a balding man. I can't shake it. It's not me in the mirror. But again the ridicule in my 'macho life', where this feeling of wishing I was a girl can never come out  would be unbearable.

And the crap thing is if I thought it was possible for me to look female, to sound female, I'd do it. I'd transition. It would be the hardest thing ever to come out and go through the process given the macho life I've had outwardly. But I'd do it. Because it would fix this. And I know I'd feel happier looking in the mirror. Walking down the street.

[Emileeeee]

I'd say it depends on whether it's destroying your quality of life. My sex drive was so high that I found it nearly impossible to focus on anything, including work. My eyes lit up when I found out HRT could take that away and it did. Now that my sex drive is at a zero, I couldn't be happier.

[Laura_7]

Here are a few resources that could help with self acceptance:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

They show being transgender is biological, to do with brain development before birth.
There are differences in brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible.
Its how people really feel.
So its nobodys fault and nothing to be ashamed about.

Concerning DHT...
there is a point between scrotum and anus that can be pressed before an orgasm.
At your own risk .. don't press to hard ...
it can hold in ejaculate and prevent the DHT rush.

I'd say talk all of your concerns through with an experienced gender therapist.
There are even online therapists.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,121007.0.html

They could help you sort this out.

Remember its a step by step process. Just take the next step and keep going.


*hugs*

[Rachel]

I have always masturbated / had sex seeing myself a female with a male partner. The issue for me was after when my body and mind did not match.

My T is less than 3 and my sex drive a 1 from a 100 pre HRT. Who would have thought a low sex drive to be such a wonderful thing. I wonder how I will feel after I am corrected.

[judithlynn]

Hi Orange juice. The way out of this is to get onto Low dose HRT. Its been a saviour for me. Now I rarely get such a need and the benefits are  very low dysphoria and gradual feminisation. Mind you my T Levels now are very low  under 0.5 whereas my Oestrogen levels are just over 200. Hormonally now I am female. It leads to a much better mental state.
Judith

[CarlyMcx]

Like drinking, substance abuse, sports, hobbies, religion, etc., constant masturbation is a coping mechanism for dealing with the dysphoria.

As far as looking like a woman, I went for years thinking I had no chance to look like one either.  But -- a lifetime of trying to distract myself with hobbies like hot rodding, car racing, etc., taught me that you don't win the race with one big huge change -- you do it with a long series of small, insignificant seeming, incremental improvements.

Finding a bra that fit did not make me look like a girl.  Getting a wig did not, instead it made me look like a long hair nerdy dude that should be working in a physics lab somewhere.  Learning makeup did not do it.  Plucking my eyebrows did not do it.

But the right clothes and all those other things, each one brought me a little bit closer.  And now when I look in the mirror, I see someone who is not quite passable, but very, very close.  With beard clearance and a nose job, I am going to love the girl in the mirror.  And with brow ridges shaved and a brow lift to take care of those pesky lines in my forehead?  It will be wonderful.

Finally that scowl or frown or grimace?  Take a close look at how you hold your lower jaw.  I was clenching mine all the time, and when I learned to relax it, wow I had lips!  All of a sudden putting on lipstick became a pleasure.  And a lot of the TMJ pain I had been suffering from went away.

[Obfuskatie]

A) there's nothing wrong with masturbating, as long as you're not injuring yourself or hurting others.

B) I started my transition at 29, and I totally understand your feeling like it's too late, but there's not any one time or age that transition is best. If you don't want to transition, you're going to need an outlet. Therapy is also very helpful for us.

C) there's nothing wrong with being trans, visibly or not. Yes there are bigots out there, but you'll give the jerkbags too much power and influence over your life if you let fear of them control you.

The big reason I postponed my transition until I was 29 was because I didn't think I would be pretty enough to pass and be happy. Now that I blend in, I still have some insecurities, but being trans isn't that much of an issue. I've been surrounding myself with people who accept me as I am, and I'm out to my friends, family and school. The biggest hurdle for me was self-acceptance.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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[Lyric]

I think your struggle isn't caused by masturbation or sexual desires but by dividing yourself too much. Mr. Macho has to go. Pretending to be a very masculine male is as self destructive as anything else you're doing. It seems pretty clear that you need to gradually integrate more of your femininity into the whole of your life. Once you do so things will start to get better. I speak from experience. It works.

Don't do it all at once. Take it gradually-- whatever makes you feel better. Maybe start wearing earrings. Grow out your hair or get fitted for a very good wig. Wear women's satin shirts. Start being more of your whole self more of the time. Stop pretending. Don't worry about the sex thing. It's good to empty the ole prostate now and then, anyway. It doesn't really matter what you're thinking about when you do.

[Lilian J]

+1 Orange Juice for writing a big chunk of my story for my except 16 yrs old to 36 so 20 years.

What got me past it was a realisation that regardless
of the shame,
of thoughts of not being really trans,
of being a pervert,
of being too male to pass,
of starting to lose hair
of gingo grey and
of getting fat and on and on and on 
I needed to do something as I was going around in spirals of self disgust depression and anxiety relived only by my fantasy life. Talking to a gender specialist helped me validate my own trans feelings but also invalidate a lot of my anxiety enough to finally start HRT which almost immediately removed my anxiety , depression and over a few months my shame, my poor self image etc. Not being driven by libido allowed me to separate my feelings about my transness from my sexual excitement and made me realise how much deeper those feelings really were.
The calmness and happiness I have never felt in my life before and being much more in touch with my emotions has allowed me to deal with all those other negative thoughts and to start changing what I can and accepting what I can't.

It hasn't been easy and each step is a challenge but is a 1000 times easier than what I had built it up to be in my mind.

[J79]

Reading your post reminds me a LOT of me and my feelings.

One thing that I noticed in the replies was that a lot of people said their sex drive went to zero on hormones.

If I were to start hormone therapy would I cease to get sexually aroused?


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[steyraug96]

Reading your post reminds me a LOT of me and my feelings.

One thing that I noticed in the replies was that a lot of people said their sex drive went to zero on hormones.

If I were to start hormone therapy would I cease to get sexually aroused?


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As a preface, I've been on and off hormones for about 20 years now. Herbals, pharma, even Cyproterone Acetate.
For ME, the equipment worked well enough at 28 that I still got wood taking Spiro and Progynova at (well, I can't say, but high-normal dosages. You'll need to find a source for more info.)
OTOH, I stopped caring when on Cyproterone Acetate/Androcur. But IIRC, things still worked if I was interested.
And now, at 40, on NO hormones or herbals or anything, and working out hard (man-style)...  Things sort of work, but mostly it's just a mechanical, "Rub it out, get back to life." Not getting interested, and yet I know the EQUIPMENT works - meaning, it's a "software" (mental) issue.

Hope that's not OVERLY descriptive, but I think it speaks to more of a "female" arousal pattern. That foes to some more stereotypical commentary, which would also explain why women are more "passive", say - things "happen to" them, rather than being agents of action themselves. It "feels right," she feels the chemistry, it "just happened..." Etc.
Having been the one to set the mood and the emotions flowing, and now being in the the "I don't care," passive camp, it's... Weird. Maybe it's age, maybe the cocktail over those years, but mostly, I think it's mental, and that really means, your mileage may vary.

Like all the other stuff: Breast growth, hair loss / recovery, shrinkage, surgery results...  Rolling the dice to some extent, and you won't know until afterwards.
I mean, again - at 40, the equipment works, but there's no interest, even with a woman right next to me. And there are some hotties at the office, and I'm looking at them thinking, "Id like to tap that" in meaning, but it's more like, I'd like to cuddle, caress, stroke, seduce her....  And if it gets to "SEX" well, that's great, too. But it's not the driver. It's more like, the emotions that could be unleashed, instead of the beast downstairs.  ;-)

So, your drive may or may not die; your arousal pattern will likely change to a more typical pattern (towards female if you're male, or male if you're female.)  You'll still get horny, say - women do, after all. But what you WANT will change. (And if you're FTM, you'll get more of a drive to consummate things, to dominate, in a general sense, and to have her willingly submit.) 

And that's all stereotypical or average - so even there, your mileage will vary. On estrogen, I just had to know I was driving to the girlfriend's house, and I had to be careful steering...  ;-) 
If your partner turns you on, you'll want them. If not, due to stress, behavior, whatever - won't matter. We're more than gonads, after all.  ;-)  (Though it didn't feel like it at 18.)

-Dianna

[EmmaMcAllister]

I honestly think this is one of those "your mileage may vary" things. I don't believe libido is completely physical, the mental plays a role as well. If you're a mentally sensual person, your libido probably won't die outright. In my experience, as someone post-orchiectomy, I have control of my libido. I never feel like I'm being physically compelled to have sex/masturbate, but I can still be turned on. Now, I'm a mentally sensual person, so if you lean more on the physical side of your libido you might find that you're more disinterested than I am.

[J79]

I haven't transitioned. I still don't know if I will, though I think it's likely. So I've been curious about the arousal thing, especially post hormones and post SRS.

For me masturbation and even sex are complicated by my need to fantasize. I can't come unless I experience elaborate fantasy scenarios in my head. And those only work when I'm a


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[J79]

Oops dropped my phone! They only work when I fantasize about being a girl. Scene.


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[JMJW]

There isn't any evidence of masturbation causing post puberty facial masculinization or noteworthy testosterone increase. Male pattern baldness is genetic as much as it is hormonal, and as we age we naturally lose facial neoteny. Bones keep developing into our 20's and most men gain some form of weight at 27 compared to 18. When you're sensitively emotionally attuned to such changes, it can feel like significant masculinization. Its not your fault.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

So I'm trapped in this hole. I can't stop the masturbation because it's the only outlet for these feelings. Another super awesome thing is that when you masturbate you convert testosterone into DHT which is up to ten times more potent. If it's testosterone and estrogen that shape our secondary sex characteristic then it's more than likely my problem with masturbation has played a part in the drastic masculinzation my face has undergone since my younger adult days. An irony that is really sweet to think about.

Oh, please, honey, don't beat yourself up like that. Are you Catholic, because that is a beautiful case of self-flagellation.  Seriously, masturbating on a daily basis is pretty common. It's not like you can look at people and tell. And if masturbation caused masculinization I'd have a beard by now! 

Nothing you did made your body change. I used to believe similar things to what you did. It's a powerful, but completely incorrect, feeling. It's just your genes, doing their thing. Have you tried wearing a wig when you crossdress? Like one that is shaped correctly, not a crummy Halloween wig.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Oops dropped my phone! They only work when I fantasize about being a girl. Scene.

Don't most people fantasize when they masturbate? I mean, I know there are special techniques like Fire Breath Orgasm TM (R) (c), or whatever it's called, where it's all about your breathing, but I thought most people looked at porn or made up porn in their heads?

I was really into m/m fantasy/fic for a while. Lot of other FTMs in that subculture as well. (As well as these tiresome homophobic straight women, but that's another matter.) It's a way to imagine yourself in the male role without any squicky female bodies to make you dysphoric and disrupt fun time. I'm not oriented towards men IRL and many of the other FTMs in that group weren't either.

[audiettacari]

I have this issue too. I am still sorting me out. I learned 2 years ago how deeply feminine I am. My search for femininity led me to crave it through pushing my partner to be more so. It has never worked. Now that I am accepting myself the push is gone. The masturbation is an attempt to escape into my dreams of a good F-M or F-F relationship. I cannot see myself anymore as a man. My desire to have sex as a man with a woman has plunged but is constantly on as a woman. I want to try to bring my puberty forward.  Then my transition will finally be oked by my doctors

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[Late bloomer]

We all have our fantasies, and we all have our most treasured inner self.  It's ok to pleasure and be intimate with yourself.  Our inner self needs love too.