I want to be real this time

[_starlight_]

I'm not new to these forums, in fact I have had a couple of accounts on here, on and off, while I tried to fight what I am, and what I was going to do about it. Both times I panicked at some point and asked mods or admins to delete my accounts and posts if possible. Thank you both times for that.

So why am I back?

I have been seeing a psychologist (this last year) and my wife (whom I love deeply) and I have been struggling with this issue. I would lie to my wife and say nothing was going on, I would lie to my wife and say my psychologist was helping me fix my problems. Well...recently my wife found in my history some information about me (browsers remember these things apparently ha ha ). As a result, I could no longer be a liar, or hide, or be dishonest to her. Which in hind sight I am deeply ashamed of that.  We had days of fights, arguments, discussions, and finally understanding. She had.. had enough of me the liar, so I came clean about everything, confessing accounts, posts, what my therapist and I had been talking about. Everything. AND she got to read my many posts on here, seeing a side of me that she really hadn't seen. Ultimately this was better than bad, I had accidentally outted myself to her officially.

So then we started hashing things out. REAL Discussions about what I wanted, What she needs, what she wants, what we were going to do about the new reality, about why I lied, about my fears, her fears, her need to also have a life and be on center stage too. I want her to have the stage, I realize now I was hogging it.

Yesterday, she came home from work and we started talking again and I gave her a very long written apology letter, but she had a plan. She gave me clearance to decide my path AND she would stay at least till our children are out of high school (7-8 years from now) and maybe she could stay with me for life as partners if I choose to transition, but if she couldn't we would part amicably in a way that she would be well compensated. This blew me away. I really thought it was binary, either we divorce or I swear a complete oath that I'm not trans. And she was no longer buying the later anymore. My being transgender was a now established FACT.  Also this new agreement there are a lot of other requirements to the commitment but thats it in a nutshell.

Why did I lie to my wife?, why was/am I a liar?

During the last year, a big part of me had come to the conclusion that if I wanted to keep my wife I could not transition, so I was eating myself up trying to keep her AND find a way to transition. I was in a no win loop, my psychologist was helping me with this problem of trying to either transition and leave (which I thought was the only option open to me). OR not transition and stay with my wife, which at the time was a decision I felt not possible.

Also during this last year,  my psychologist diagnosed me as having G.D. and likely transgender. Another part of me came to the conclusion that I could not transition because I'm to old, its to hard, and the cost out weighs the benefits.  Yet another now wide awake part of me is saying "do it!"... "do it NOW before its too late and you really have missed the boat!!"

I love my wife she is amazing and I regret all the hard things I said about her (She read everything on here) or the goofy conclusions I had come to while NOT being able to directly talk to her about my horrible raging conflict inside. I will never hide myself from her again and my decision is to actually follow the "Treat others as you would want to be treated" instead of just saying it. I really believe that motto, but I was not following it when it came to my wife. I am sorry for that.

My wife knows I am creating a new account here. I am NOT going to hide my ID from her, or my thoughts anymore.

So....now I have to figure out if I will transition (and then do it), or if it really does make more sense to live my life out in the born gender I was physically given. I ALWAYS wanted to live my life out with my spouse/wife/BFF, so that weighs still super heavy in any calculation, but now there is a chance I could transition and she could stay with me longer than 7-8 years. She admits its unclear if things will be as hard as she fears. Yet, critically thinking some....transitioning would be to expensive from many points of view, money, my relationship with my spouse woud change, sex will be different,  It will affect my family, friends, possibly work, career/job safety.  Also I'm not young,  I'm getting older, and what will life be like when I'm 70 or 80 and I start having health problems(I'm almost 50),
Also...traveling safely around the nation and world might not be such an option. Even in the US there are many places transgender people are afraid to go near. There is more but you get the idea. Also you read a lot about how MTF is a very difficult thing to do because of intolerance of others. Dealing with the hate others carry inside them.

Anyway there it is.  Maybe later I'll write my life history and share, but for now I'm tired of typing, and just want to get my first real post out here.

[cindianna_jones]

I too was discovered in much the same way. It was pretty painful for us because she divorced me. But that was back in the 80's and things are a lot different now.

You now know that you must be an open book to her. That's the only decent thing to do. She has a lot invested in you and you have your children to worry about. It's much easier to work through problems than to skate around them all the time.

Now that it is out on the table, I hope you two can work it out.

[Dena]

Welcome back to Susan's Place. I have found three accounts that I think you held here but I haven't had time to review them.

Honesty as soon as possible has always worked out best for others on the site. Sometimes a SO will be more upset over keeping the secret that over the secret. The fact that you SO is willing to work with you shows promise because given time, this could evolve into a permanent relationship. The rules will be different but the improvement in our personality is often enough that it strengthens the relationship.

As for why you lied, our unwillingness to face our problem drive us to hide it from ourself and others. There are hundreds of reasons we give but mostly it turns out to be fear to face our problem.

Should your wife desire it, we have a SO forum where she can talk to others who are dealing with the same issues. We tend to watch that area pretty close and SOs are allowed more freedom to voice their opinion that non SOs are. She should also be allowed to visit your therapist because she may still have question that aren't fully answered. I am including a copy of the links because I am unsure if you have received them in your past lives.

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[V M]

Hi Starlight     

Welcome back to Susan's    Glad to have you here again, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[_starlight_]

Thank you all for the welcome.

[_starlight_]

Welcome back to Susan's Place. I have found three accounts that I think you held here but I haven't had time to review them.

Honesty as soon as possible has always worked out best for others on the site. Sometimes a SO will be more upset over keeping the secret that over the secret. The fact that you SO is willing to work with you shows promise because given time, this could evolve into a permanent relationship. The rules will be different but the improvement in our personality is often enough that it strengthens the relationship.

As for why you lied, our unwillingness to face our problem drive us to hide it from ourself and others. There are hundreds of reasons we give but mostly it turns out to be fear to face our problem.

Should your wife desire it, we have a SO forum where she can talk to others who are dealing with the same issues. We tend to watch that area pretty close and SOs are allowed more freedom to voice their opinion that non SOs are. She should also be allowed to visit your therapist because she may still have question that aren't fully answered. I am including a copy of the links because I am unsure if you have received them in your past lives.

She has found the SO forums I believe. And she has raised / talked about some of the stories and what ifs with me. The lying I'm ashamed of, I have a lot of work to do in this area to be more authentic going forward.

[_starlight_]

You now know that you must be an open book to her. That's the only decent thing to do. She has a lot invested in you and you have your children to worry about. It's much easier to work through problems than to skate around them all the time.

yup I have always been partially a closed book. And always kept people at distance with walls up my whole life.  I'm working on it. She and my kids deserve me to be authentic and real and brutally honest.

[Dena]

She has found the SO forums I believe. And she has raised / talked about some of the stories and what ifs with me. The lying I'm ashamed of, I have a lot of work to do in this area to be more authentic going forward.

I have been doing a little poking around and I think I found her account. In addition, it appears that maybe several board members live near enough to you to get caught in the tracing software. Sometimes the software can lead you on a wild goose chase so it takes a little common sense to eliminate what doesn't belong. At the moment, I can tie only one other account to you.

I hope it goes well for you and if there is anything I can do to help, let me know.