Dysphoria always there and never noticed?

[lincoln_2u]

I think accepting myself is being hard. It was a short time ago that I discovered the trans world and my life changed.

Watching "the transition channel" on youtube made me see things more clear about myself.
From the day I considered myself trans I always had doubts about it. I always thought about: "what is it to be a transwoman?"
I guess that a person does not necessarily need to have dysphoria to be trans. But I always thought that if I didn't have it, so I was not really trans. But seeing the transition channel on youtube made clear to me that dysphoria was always here with me, I just never thought about it. Realizing it made me feel more relieved, but at the same time more sad.

I realized I was not accepting myself being trans, because I put an excuse on "why I'm NOT trans" and when I made it clear, I felt relieved.
I don't know why I'm feeling sad about it though. I'm not sure but now I'm more mindful on what triggers dysphoria in me... All the funny feelings on certain ocasions now have A LOT of meaning. At the same time feel sad and happy/relieved. Maybe I'm the only one who feel good having dysphoria... lol

I see my future very clear as female and I know all the problems I'll have to face. Maybe I feel sad because I know the problems that will eventually come... :/
I'm really happy accepting myself as what I am. Familly will be a real problem but I think I can handle it in the future. One thing that is uncertain to me is WHEN I will be a woman on society. I still can't see when this day will be. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm really excited for HRT and everything, but I'm really trying to go slow because I'm really scared.. But very happy! 

[Denise]

Welcome to our roller coaster. 

[AnamethatstartswithE]

I went through a similar experience in the Fall. If you're like me you'll be examining exactly what and how you think in a deeper way than you ever thought you would. Be patient and don't expect to get all of the answers right away. Denial takes a while to work its way out.

[Dena]

How could you never notice? I would guess it's because you have never known any different. At age 13 I went from not feeling anything to full blown transsexual feelings. I suspect you may have felt much the same from a very early age but social programming overrode it for many years. Much like a CIS, you never hand any reason to question yourself.

[chris.deee]

The feelings have always been there for me since around 8 yrs old, but I've had protracted periods where they were pretty minimal.

One of the best things to have happened in the last decade is the emergence and broad acceptance of the term transgender, which by definition allows for more variability than the old TS/CD dichotomy.

Once I internalized that, it was easy to accept being trans and realizing that where I set the dial is whatever works for me, my family, my friends, and the rest of the world, all of which can be different.  It really took the pressure off.

[lincoln_2u]

Thanks everyone for the suport.

Yeah, denial is going away slowly...
I never noticed about these feelings because I've was aways taught to be a man and how to NOT be woman. I never liked to hang out with boys... but than again, I never made any female friends. To think about it, the time I realized I was trans was the day I began talk to an old friend from high school. She said to me about how life was hard and I tried to help her because she was very sad and I was worried she was depressive. Than she told me that she was lesbian... I think my world changed since then...
I realize now that I never felt so good chatting with anyone. She's my best (only) friend now.

[Kylo]

I never attributed my dysphoria to being trans but just to being rather "broken" until recently. Last 5 years or so I mean. I had so many other potential reasons to feel bad, anxiety, social anxiety, depression and a general feeling that life was just not giving me the perks that are supposed to come with it and make it bearable. I ended up thinking my problems were because of that and sweeping the fact I was never comfortable with a female body under the rug as vanity or something. I think it must be easy to do (in the sense we don't always know we're doing it), because so many trans people don't identify the root of their problems explicitly right away. Most that I interact with who are trans have a vague feeling of where their unhappiness came from originally but for whatever reason took time to fully understand and locate the problem. I think for many of us the dysphoria is always there, but when your family and society and your own body and medical science are all screaming you're A and your mind keeps whispering that you're B and nobody else will give the idea the time of day, you doubt yourself. You end up believing the ones that shout the loudest for a while, but in the end that whisper in the brain eventually becomes the loudest and the one that really matters.

[Tristyn]

I think for many trans people, including myself, dysphoria has a way of sneaking up on you in a way that you really doubt yourself like T.K.G.W. said. He put it perfectly. I was not aware of my dysphoria or rather the feeling of it until puberty, which was around age 13. It really was exacerbated when I would begin comparing the way my body developed with my brother and other biological males. Since I was a child, I once thought that everyone began their lives with a vulva and as they matured would grow a phallus.

When I used to bathe with my bro as toddlers, around age 4 or 5, I used to ask myself even back then, "When will I get one of those down there?" 'Those,' being a penis. But it never occurred to me until a year ago that all this time, I was very unsatisfied with having a female body and is probably a huge contributor to my other mental issues. I think that last part can be said for many transmen, but in the case of a transwoman it would obviously be the unsatisfactory feeling of having a male body. When so many people claim us to be something we aren't, how can we find the rightful judgement and strength within ourselves to ever say otherwise? So yes, realizing that we are dysphoric, in the case of trans people who experience it, would make sense to make us happy because it helps us to identify an underlying problem that can lead to treatment. No wonder that would make us happy. 🙂