just a curious question, How do you deal with unachievable passing abilility

[stephaniec]

I absolutely mean no harm in posing this . I just am curious on how people deal with a perceived inability to achieve what you feel is  " passing ". I was at the LGBT clinic a couple of days ago and saw quite a few trans in various stages of development . My own perspective on their " passibility  " is quite irrelevant because it's none of my business , but all of them seemed quite happy. I'm just curious as to those that feel it's hopeless to "pass"  how do you handle the situation. It might be the case you perfectly " pass " , but are unable to accept it. My own perspective is that you need to do what's most important to you. For myself I think I do alright for the most part , but I know some see me as trans and it's unnerving when the situation arises and affects me for awhile , but the main issue for me is that I need to do this and the only thing that going to stop me is the destruction of planet earth.

[Cindy]

Stephanie,

For me it was simple. I'm gorgeous, I'm happy.

I don't care what anyone else thinks.

Why should I?

[Floritine]

Stephanie,

For me it was simple. I'm gorgeous, I'm happy.

I don't care what anyone else thinks.

Why should I?

Well said Cindy,
Also having thick skin helps,
If there is a problem they need to look closely at them selfs as well

Cheers Tracy

[stephaniec]

everyone at the LGBT clinic seems to be quite content as far as I can tell. I'm planning to go  to a group session soon and see how everyone copes.

[big kim]

I don't pass, over 6' tall, big build & sound like Lemmy. I don't give a rats ass about passing

[Moomin]

I think its much more important to be your true self and not care how over people perceive you. Easier said than done I know I have massive passing privilege now, but the first few months of my transition I certainly didn't and I remember how hard it is to stay strong. Being yourself and loving yourself are what its all about to me. On "passability" seems more important to Cis folks than trans folk Xxx

[suzifrommd]

I know many non-passing trans women. They are among the happiest trans women I know and most are thrilled with their transitions.

[stephaniec]

seems some positive news

[SofiN]

It is a difficult question for sure.

I've struggled with this a little, posting here a while back about it but you all helped me realise that it really isn't as important as it seems.

The result is that I'm starting to accept myself for how I am, rather than how others see me - which in turn causes more confidence and generally being happier.

My hope is that another 6 months down the road of transition and passing will be easier. Right now there are more important things to worry about!

[Devlyn]

In one respect, passing means you're making other people happy. Which is great if you've already made yourself happy. That comes first.

Hugs, Devlyn

[RachelsMantra]

I know people can tell I'm trans when I interact with them but I'm still relatively happy because I still like how I look now way more now than I did before.

[Beth Andrea]

Passing, for me, would be if everyone sees me as a woman. I'd even be able to hear the haters talking about Trans people...

But I asked myself near the beginning of transition, "Who am I transitioning for? For their comfort, or mine? That's when I realized that even if I never "pass", I'd still be happy with myself. I don't allow the opinions of others to control my self-image. The act of transition cured me of that...40+ years of trying to conform to their idea of how a man should present was a terrible time for me.

Correction: 40+ years of trying to conform to my perception of their idea of how a man should present! I had no idea how a man "should" be, other than watching and mimicking them, and being emotionally distraught when I failed.

Now, as a woman, I am free to navigate *my* sense of how I want to be, and generally I present as a tomboy-ish girlie girl...and I know this is my true, authentic self.

If they don't like it, that's ok too. I'm not here for their approval.

[Denise]

Wow.  Great thread.

Time to reevaluate and more therapy. 

[sharon03]

Since I know I could never pass and have no plans for transition I just keep my dressing to myself except for those aspects that I can do without raising eyebrows like wearing slacks and shirts that are male looking enough so I can pass as a guy.

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk

[Anna R]

I haven't a hope in hell of ever passing, that said, the people I have told say "Wow" and are so positive and sweet by saying I look fantastic that it really is irrelevant.
Must point out that the approval ratings are ONLY from females.
Males get real uncomfortable.

[abd789]

I decided to take a different route... early on I figured I had to take all the steps to be a woman that I hear and read about and after weeks of frustration and struggle, I realized that just wasnt me. I learned about gender fluidity and non binary and that was just what I needed. I have now adopted a style that is more like a 80s rock star... this allows me to express femininity but doesnt require me to do all the things I cannot achieve such as hair removal, voice training, full DE-masculinization...etc. I dont expect HRT to do miracles for me...Maybe its a temporary step, but one that has eased the pain and torment for me...so thats how I deal with the unachievable at this moment.

[Dee Marshall]

I thought I would never pass. At first I wanted E just to calm my mind. Over time my opinion changed, my expectations got higher and I started demanding more from my transition. Today I have a lot to do, starting with laundry.

I got up washed my face, shaved carefully as always. I drank a cup of coffee then, deciding I couldn't go out without it for my own comfort, put on color corrector and foundation to hide my shadow. I then grabbed the laundry and headed to my development's unattended laundry which opens at 7:00. At 7:04 I put the keycard in the lock and opened the door. I was unhappy to hear the sound that told me the alarm was priming to trigger. Yes, I'm getting to the point. The alarm went off then after a few seconds the timer finally disarmed the alarm. I carefully went in and started my laundry.

I was sitting and reading a few minutes later when a maintenance man came along to check. He said:

"Did you set off the alarm? I figured it was ANOTHER woman who sets it off about once a week."

Here's the important point. I had just passed in white deck shoes, no socks, an old pair of guy jeans I keep for dirty jobs, a grey t-shirt, no bra, and a brown flight jacket that tends to hide my boobs. My clothes gave no clue I'm a woman, just me.

[Jacqueline]

Passing, for me, would be if everyone sees me as a woman. I'd even be able to hear the haters talking about Trans people...

But I asked myself near the beginning of transition, "Who am I transitioning for? For their comfort, or mine? That's when I realized that even if I never "pass", I'd still be happy with myself. I don't allow the opinions of others to control my self-image. The act of transition cured me of that...40+ years of trying to conform to their idea of how a man should present was a terrible time for me.

Correction: 40+ years of trying to conform to my perception of their idea of how a man should present! I had no idea how a man "should" be, other than watching and mimicking them, and being emotionally distraught when I failed.

Now, as a woman, I am free to navigate *my* sense of how I want to be, and generally I present as a tomboy-ish girlie girl...and I know this is my true, authentic self.

If they don't like it, that's ok too. I'm not here for their approval.

That is great. This and Cindy's response is what I hope to achieve. I am presenting in public so little so far. I do hope to increase that amount with this attitude.

I thought I would never pass. At first I wanted E just to calm my mind.

This is where I am now. I secretly hope to  change my expectations.

With warmth
Joanna

[SashaGrace]

I couldn't care less about passing, I'm gorgeous in my eyes and that's all that matters. After nearly 6 years I'm finally thinking about having my boobs done. I deliberately stopped myself from having any invasive surgery when I was younger and I'm glad I did as I'd probably be looking to have it all undone now!! I'm actually looking at custom implants as I don't want to be bigger than a C cup and I'm a decent B right now, I just want them to be augmented as the name suggests, not necessarily made bigger; the smallest ready made implant out there is 300cc which is a B cup sat on the table and would push me into the D-DD range. If I'd done it when I was 18 I'd probably have massive F cup boobs falling out my shirt lol. Anyway, I digress, yes I'm happy not to be passing if that's what other people thing, trans and cis, I'm not bothered.

I appreciate that might be easy for me to say when I started at 16 and self medicated until I was 18 then did it all legit and I'm now nearly 22 and I know I've had a smooth transition and I have no problem fitting in where I live and it's never affected my life, most of the people I work with don't even know I'm trans so I've had it very easy.

[Dahlia]

Here's the important point. I had just passed in white deck shoes, no socks, an old pair of guy jeans I keep for dirty jobs, a grey t-shirt, no bra, and a brown flight jacket that tends to hide my boobs. My clothes gave no clue I'm a woman, just me.

This is something many MTF's tend to overlook or just can't see.
An MTF on hormones is a biological man with aqcuired feminine traits, subtle or not, which are emphasized by wearing man's clothes= passing as a female.

MTF's who tend to dress very feminine emphasizes her male traits= getting clocked in no time.
A (nylon) wig, making a man's head  looking even bigger than it is, making a men's face look harsher, a tight skirt or dress showing male bodycontours, too bulky trunk, broad shoulders, thick neck, no waist, narrow hips, scrawny legs etcetc.

The good news is a lot of ciswomen tend to wear masculine clothes, short hair etc, still looking (and acting) like ciswomen.