There is no solution to this.....or maybe there is!

[jayne01]

I can't live with myself knowing that I am the reason that makes my wife's life "for worse".

[Dena]

I can't live with myself knowing that I am the reason that makes my wife's life "for worse".

Have you ask your wife this and has your wife explored this with a therapist? If not, you can't know that. It appears you have spent much of you life sacrificing for your wife to make her life better. If so, it's time for her to do the same. A marriage is an equal partner ship and both of you need to share the hardship as well as the joy. If you can't explain this to her, have her come to the SO section and we will explain this to her.

It isn't your fault you were born the way you were. You have tried hard to live with it but it's destroying you. If you continue to live with it this constant depression is going to end your marriage because your wife will no longer be able to tolerate it. With treatment, you will be able to save yourself and possibly your relationship with your wife.

[jayne01]

My wife sacrificed too much for me already. She left her family, friends, job, everything on the other side of the world to be with me. I am all she has here. I am the only reason she moved here. I cannot ask any more sacrifices from her.

[jayne01]

What kind of person am I!!!! It would be too selfish of me to expect more sacrifices from my wife to satisfy my own selfish needs. I can't do that to her. It's just plain wrong.

[Dena]

Have you discussed this with her? Has she notice the depression that you have been going through lately that the doctors haven't been able to treat. If you haven't discussed this with her, you are keeping a secret from her and often we find that the longer you do that, the more upset the SO is when they learn the truth. I have seen SOs become upset with secrets lasting as little as half a year. This should be shared as soon as possible.

As I said before, HRT offers an option for you to remain in your current role. Three people on this thread are remaining in their birth role with their extreme urges controlled by HRT. A full transition isn't the only solution to the problem, Yes, your body may change some but you may be able to comfortably present male.

[jayne01]

How can you remain male with HRT? Don't you eventually grow breasts even if it's over a long period? That isn't something you could hide.

[jayne01]

I really want to thank you all for patiently trying to help me. I know I can be stubborn. It takes me some time to get an understanding of some things. And for me, all things trans are about as foreign concept as you can get. I have never met a trans person. I don't think I have even met a lesbian or gay person. I pretty much grew up under a rock. I grew up believing being lesbian, gay or trans was all a lifestyle choice. I had no idea that it something you have no control over until I joined this forum about 8 months ago. And now that I am finding out that I am probably trans, well it is a little too much for me to process. There is a lot of misinformation that was drilled into me that I need to undo.

[Dena]

I was on what would now be considered low dose for many years, my breast remained a AA and A size which is the smallest american bra cup size. The guys on this site conceal breast much larger than that. Men sometimes have boobs and there are ways to explain away something like that without coming out as trans. If your dysphoria is controlled, you may reach the point that many of us do where we no longer care what other people think of us. Being your own person and willing to tell the world where to go is a liberating feeling.

Another little trick is that people are to polite to ask. In 33 years I have had only about 3 or 4 people ask me about my trans status even though I know far more than that suspected because of my voice. For the most part, it's not a problem.

[autumn08]

I would like to add my yes vote, to the Jayne should take low dose HRT ballot. In a prior thread I recommended that you try even smaller steps than low dose HRT, because that is what is working for me and I prefer moving as seamlessly as possible, but now I'm convinced taking low dose HRT is the best option for you, as I think you need to do what requires the least amount of willpower from you to move forward. You would have a prescription from an authority figure, plenty of time to acclimate, and would not need to reveal your changes.

Just to prepare you, I've encountered people who are transgender and are on HRT, but don't feel their life is improving enough and are still experiencing acute gender dysphoria. For this reason, I don't think viewing gender dysphoria as an estrogen or testosterone deficiency is useful for everyone. There are many factors that cause gender dysphoria, so just as your present hurdles are signaling to you, a lack of satisfaction most likely wouldn't be a sign for you to move backwards, but to continue moving forward.

It is impossible to erase the fact that you have existed, so whatever you do will have an effect on those around you. Therefore, even if you can't find the willpower to start low dose HRT for the pleasure of it, I know you care about the fact that the angel you married doesn't want things to continue as they are. Since your wife wants you alive and you can't eliminate your gender dysphoria, you must experience some form of forward movement to mitigate its effect. 

[Adena]

Jayne01 I am in a similar situation to you. I've come to realize that I need to transition, but my wife is putting up heavy resistance. She also gave up a lot and left behind her far away home to marry and live with me. She does not want me to transition and says she will leave me if I do. After she says this she feels bad but she can't stop herself from saying such things either. This is a very tough road to travel, but it is not wrong for us to want to be able to live as our true selves. I have to also figure out how to get through this, but I don't see deciding to delay HRT, etc. indefinitely solves anything - we will both end up miserable. You (and I) deserve to be able to live as your true self rather than having to try to continue for the rest of your life to acting the part others want you to play.

[Maybebaby56]

I would like to second Autumn.  If you cannot fully transition, low-dose HRT may be a life saver.  When I started HRT, it greatly diminished my dysphoria within days.  However, it also pretty much eliminated my libido, too.  For me that was not a problem, but for a married person, you would have to contend with a lot more work getting aroused and possibly some decreased performance.

I can only answer from my own experience, but I believe the relief you might get from the gender dysphoria could possibly save your marriage and your sanity. There's no guarantee, but in light of what you have to lose, low-dose HRT is definitely worth trying.

With kindness,

Terri

[JoanneB]

One of my big concerns in not fully transitioning is the affect on my wife. Though she is supportive, it is to a point. So far that point has been a moving target, in a favorable direction. Her feelings about me being trans and her feelings about me in general have also been moving in a favorable direction these past 7 years since I dropped the T-Bomb. As I started healing I also started becomming a person she can like and even fall in love with again

Over the decades I've been on/off low dose HRT. It was a life saver with it's Brain Reset abilities. As with all things hormones YMMV. On low dose it took many months before things started to take a hit below the belt, which was always my cue to stop. I've been feeling better for while and not being able to perform as a male went against my Prime DIrective of trying to be normal. It wasn't untill a few years ago when I went from low dose to full dose did any real breast growth occur. The almost B cup that I have does not stop me from being able to pass as a guy. What clothes you wear makes a big difference. Being a former fatty I have no form fitting (male) clothes. In male mode it is almost always baggy clothes and NEVER EVER a tight tee. In fem mode it is a LOT different

Not everyone who is trans needs to do a full social transition. You primarily need to ONLY do what you have to to survive. Hopefully with some joy and happiness in your life. If that is just cross-dressing ocassionally, great. It worked for me for decades. The occasional  few weeks on low dose HRT. Also great. Have to go full-time living as a female as soon as possible, also great if that is what you need.

I think it is safe to say at this point in your life, you don't feel that you need to fully transition. There is a universe of options between where you are today and fully transitioning.

[RobynD]

Definitely consider low dose to get yourself emotionally stronger and a different perspective. As everyone has said, you can hide the effects if they are more than expected. I am a C cup and if i wanted to i could hide them with wardrobe choices, minimizing bras etc.

[jayne01]

Thank you all for your replies. I haven't responded in a few days. All this talk of HRT has kind of scared the crap out if me. It seems like such an enormous step to take. You are probably all thinking that it is not such a big thing, but for me it is gigantic. I can't even bring myself to buy women's clothes to wear at home, and my wife has already said she has no problem with me dressing at home. Last time I had some female clothes I ended up pouring petrol on them and setting them on fire, and that was only a couple months ago. HRT is like jumping out of a plane without a parachute.

I think the only option for me is to try and bury these feelings for as long as I can. If and when they resurface, I suppose I'll go through another breakdown of sorts and then bury them again. Hopefully by then I will be old enough to be at the end of my life. I honestly cannot see any other solution to this. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

[JoanneB]

I think the only option for me is to try and bury these feelings for as long as I can. If and when they resurface, I suppose I'll go through another breakdown of sorts and then bury them again. Hopefully by then I will be old enough to be at the end of my life. I honestly cannot see any other solution to this. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Let me assure you that after having tried the "bury these feelings..." approach for a good 20 years with a somewhat supportive wife it is THE last thing I'd recommend to anyone. OK... almost last next to substance abuse which will likely follow.

It first took the form of Diversions, Distractions and Denial, or the 3D's as I call them. Just keep yourself too busy physically to even have time for even a once monthly escape from maleness by cross-dressing. Keep you mind so occupied with a thousand and one issues at work, solving problems, making new ones. All which help you say to yourself "I can Beat This" "I Am Beating This"

Except the only thing that is beaten is your life, your soul. You become a machine "Doing what is expected". Your whole reason to exist, is simply to exist and existing means the 3D's. This lifeless, soulless being has just 2 emotions, Anger and Fear. Both fed constantly by shame and guilt.

The irony of it all is that all that you try to preserve, you destroy in the process. In time my wife eventually grew to dislike me, at times even hate. My single mindedness and cartoonish ideal of "Being a guy" led to one disaster after another. Culminating in a cataclysmic event which took away almost every thing I defined myself as and by.

Being well past my Sell-By date was not a time to dredge up being trans crap I long buried or let wither for 30 years. The viable options were few, with one or two offering a Do-Over. So I took on the trans-beast. Not just toying, pretending as I had for decades. My training as an engineer taught me one thing. I knew what did not work... big time

I'm feeling much better now 

[jayne01]

I don't see any other option than to do what I can to bury these feelings. I already don't have any sense of self. I just exist. I always have. I don't know anything else. I don't have any friends. My wife is all I have, who I love dearly. I have no idea what she sees in me. She obviously sees something that I don't. If I start changing things, I might change the one thing she likes about me and I'll end up losing her. That is too great a risk for me to take.

I have managed to keep this crap buried for over 40 years, what is another 40, assuming I live that long.

[JoanneB]

I don't see any other option than to do what I can to bury these feelings. I already don't have any sense of self. I just exist. I always have. I don't know anything else. I don't have any friends. My wife is all I have, who I love dearly. I have no idea what she sees in me. She obviously sees something that I don't. If I start changing things, I might change the one thing she likes about me and I'll end up losing her. That is too great a risk for me to take.

I have managed to keep this crap buried for over 40 years, what is another 40, assuming I live that long.

I could have written this 7 years ago. It is identical to how I felt. How it was. Another great "Trans Irony" of mine is how I abhor change, as it applies to my life. Otherwise I am a good at tossing hand grenades to shake things up.

I suspect you see just 2 viable options, bury the feelings or yourself. My wife's favorite saying is "There are at least 5 possible solutions to every problem". I can generally come up with 3. My wife has also often said she would rather not find me swinging on the end of a rope from a rafter in the garage. We both have a tendency to put the others happiness above our own.

During the first few years of healing, I've been through quite a few "WTF Am I Doing  ?" meltdowns. Sometimes I'd try to weasel my wife into helping me. Especially during times she was also down or depressed over things. I'd make the offer to stop the insanity if she needed me to.

She's always answer "I don't want you to. You NEED to see where this leads"

While she is not all that thrilled over the change in scenery, she is enjoying where it has led

[Maybebaby56]

Jayne, sweetie, I completely understand what you are saying.  There is no rush to do anything.

But you are clearly not happy.  You don't want to lose your wife, and you don't like who you are pretending to be.  There is a small step you could take that might help, and it doesn't involve hormones, or crossdressing, or anything like that.  That feeling that you are trying to desperately to suppress is you.  It's the feminine side of who you are. So express some of it! 

I don't know what your personality is usually like, but you can try to emphasize being a nurturer, and above all a listener. Be a healer and a helper.  Favor cooperation over confrontation. Use female patterns of speech, such as "I feel", or "I think",  or "It may" rather than "It is", or "You are".  Do what a wife does.  Support your partner's hobbies or interests, even if they are not your own.  In other words, cultivate your femaleness. And above all, communicate. It may lessen your dysphoria, and your wife may love it. 

With kindness,

Terri

[cgh1523]

Change is inevitable do dont with every choice either bury this or do something to confront it there will be change maybe not in an instant but there will be change. Looking at your posts there already has been you came here and asked for advice small change.

If you bury it the next change may ot be as small. So from what i can tell you need to do something. I started writing my thoughts and issues down so i can give to my therapist though in doing this it has given me insights into myself. That alone has vastly improved my moods and got me out of that machine mode a little. Music also has helped I almost never listend to music I liked now I do.

I kind of just reinvested in my own happieness in small ways that can be viewed as a quirks or just a little odd.

This helps with dysphoria that isnt body related for me any way.

Like others have suggested hrt would tell you more but change what you can because no matter what change comes.

Btw I am in the same boat as you with my wife. She doesnt know about any of it therapy trans issue nothing. I have become a wonderful actor over the years.

I like someone suggested have always been a nurturing person and have gotten more so since i figured out my own problems which the people around me seem to like and enjoy.

I hope this helps some.

[Violets]

I don't see any other option than to do what I can to bury these feelings.

It's sad that you don't feel you have any options other than burying your feelings, because you do have options! I used to think like you, even after I accepted I was trans. My motto used to be "Whilst I had no choice in being born this way, I DO have a choice in what I do about it". I refused to give myself permission to be me, which over the long-term was a recipe for disaster. By the time I finally stopped denying and burying who I was, I was an absolute mess! I suffered from severe depression, insomnia, migraines, my teeth were becoming extremely worn due to bruxism (a result of anxiety), I was barely functioning both at work and at home. Many years before, I had tried unsuccessfully to top myself, and I wasn't far from trying again.

As far as I'm concerned, the combination of HRT, as well as deciding to at least partially transition have not only saved my life, but has given me a new lease on life; something I never thought possible. Family, friends and even colleagues have remarked how much happier and laid-back I am these days. If long-term the compromise of a partial transition isn't enough, then I will seriously consider fully transitioning.

Jayne, there ARE options that can result in genuine happiness for you.