There is no solution to this.....or maybe there is!

[Violets]

That feeling that you are trying to desperately to suppress is you.  It's the feminine side of who you are. So express some of it! 

Ditto

[rosinstraya]

Jayne,

You say you've buried this for 40 years......but clearly you haven't. Try as hard as we might the burial technique does not work. We just end up hating ourselves because we cannot get over and get on with this very central part of us - our transness. In the end I think we have no option but to take it on board. It's just not possible to continue hating oneself and live a part ways happy life.

I understand your fear of the effect on your wife, however she appears to want to work through this with you. Surely there has to be a better way of living your life rather than hating yourself and writing yourself off? You say you're stubborn, but that's not what's going to help you right now. Please open yourself up to what other possibilities are out there. That has to be better than "burial" now or "burial" in the future.

[Marienz]

Hi Jayne
Just a quick post to say I'm thinking of you:)
I agree with most posts, from my experience with Chris to Chrissy... It's best to not bury yourself. But I understand how scary this is and also from your wife's point of view as well, she appears very supportive and an amazing lady... As you're to!
Marie


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

[ChiGirl]

Hi, Jayne. You sound like you're where I was 5 years ago. I had managed to somewhat repress the dysphoria for a decade, but I was growing increasingly unhappy.  My life and my marriage were falling apart and there is no question I would've hit that second button just to make all the feelings go away.  But they don't. I finally talked to someone about my dysphoria and my world opened up.  I told my wife a year ago and we are closer than ever. It took a lot to get to this point and we went through rough times (she had to be hospitalized after a breakdown). I feel horrible sometimes for what I feel like I'm doing to her, but I'm just trying to be true to myself.

My advice is: talk to her. She has to have some idea that suffering.  You don't have to lay everything out on the table, but let her know you're hurting and you just can't make sense of it. Maybe do it with a counselor present. You just can't go on another 40 years like this. Good luck and hugs!

Charlotte


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[keira166]

my wife has already said she has no problem with me dressing at home. Last time I had some female clothes I ended up pouring petrol on them and setting them on fire, and that was only a couple months ago. HRT is like jumping out of a plane without a parachute.

Sorry, but she already said she is cool with you trying things like dressing at home?  Maybe dressing femininely isn't your thing then (everything is worth trying once, but maybe not twice).  Also, from what you've said, it sounds like she thought it was worth leaving a past life for you, and you obviously care so much for her.  Pretty sweet and cute couple I bet (Sorry, I doubt this is helpful, but...)

Have you tried, like, really low doses of things that affect your hormonal levels?  My whole experience so far (in life, really) is just trying new things, so I tried doing the PCOS dietary adjustments (Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome, its a condition for women where their testosterone levels are too high)  For me, it was mostly cutting out foods high in sat. fat (trying to lose weight anyway), drinking like 4-5 cups of spearmint tea a day, drinking smoothies with TONS of flax seed, and taking saw palmetto.  After a week, I felt a lot more calm and at peace, and so I'm taking that simply as evidence that maybe testosterone hurts my emotional stability.  And so I continued, but I may never end up getting HRT.

Have you read the Null HypotheCis?  If you haven't (you can google it, its pretty short), it hit me that it is pretty impossible to say for sure you are cisgender.  It also hit me that its equally impossible to say for sure that I'm transgender.  So I'm taking it like that, I can't say for sure overall, but all I can do is guess, day by day.  The magic button question only really helped me put points to the trans column, I don't feel like anything will put me as for sure trans. 

Also, I wouldn't wish being trans on my worst enemy, b/c for some people, it really seems recognizing their transness helps them find inner peace, beauty, and strength (and why would I want my enemies to be more fulfilled versions of themselves ).  I mean, how many people here think that they would have been better off in life finding that the reason for their dysphoria wasn't gender related but something unknown?  Once I finish chipping away at the remnants of my internalized transphobia and homophobia that I feel I've absorbed in life, I expect I'll be a happier person, and that's the dream. 

Keira

#transisbeautiful

[jayne01]

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your replies. I have been reading them all but haven't responded because frankly, I'm a little overwhelmed with it all. There is a lot of information that I am trying to process. There are so many of you willing to share information to try and help me, a total stranger. I have never experienced anything like that before. I don't quite know how to handle it. Thank you so much.

I have an appointment with my therapist today. I sent her an email last week telling her that I was getting nowhere and was thinking of stopping my therapy sessions so that she can spend her time helping other people rather than beating her head against the wall with me. She kind of insisted I keep my appointment today. I suspect I might be in trouble for beating up on myself.

So many of you knew or at least suspected something was going on with your gender from a relatively young age. I didn't clue in until 43. My therapist tells me I became a master at suppressing things. Even from myself. It is only now in hindsight that I realise that there was something not quite right throughout my life. Sometimes I wish I had never started therapy. I would not have dig up those old memories and I would have once again been blissfully ignorant suppressing things.

[Dena]

You are not a stranger, you are one of us and we are your brothers and sisters in this. As you learn more, you will see this and it will become difficult for you to refuse help to somebody who is just starting to learn who they are. Therapy is great and you should continue it but there is nothing like somebody who has been there and really understands what it's like.

The people I knew in the past for the most part knew they were different from an early age and where transitioning much older because they couldn't obtain treatment before then. At 13, it hit me like a ton of bricks and there was no ignoring it so it was a long and painful wait until I could obtain treatment. The people transitioning late in life surprise me a good deal because they had to have kept this bottled up for a long time. In your case, what drove you to therapy in the first place was because you weren't happy in life as the result of suppressing these feelings. Therapy was in you future for a long time and suppression is no longer working. I understand why you don't want to face it but you will be much happier when you do.

[rosinstraya]

Jayne

You are not a stranger. Your story is the story of so many of us. These struggles are not unusual and your fears are understandable.

I hope you are able to make the decision  that makes you happy in the short and long term.

Take care,


Ros

[Deborah]

Whatever you decide to do in the short term after seeing your therapist we are here to listen and maybe to help a little.  So don't go away again.  If anybody can understand your pain it is us.


Sapere Aude

[keira166]

So many of you knew or at least suspected something was going on with your gender from a relatively young age. I didn't clue in until 43.

Actually, I've read quite a few stories of discoveries at ages 30-70.  That isn't too uncommon, right?  We're not all like that 6 year old girl on the "How to be a Girl" podcast, so sure of herself.  Good for her to get things more right early on, but geez, really made me feel like I'm crazy and not actually trans. 

[jayne01]

You are all so very nice. I feel like I don't deserve your kindness because I seem so set in my ways and unwilling to change. Well, it is not that I am unwilling to change, but I don't want to change without being certain and yet there seems to be no certainty in this stuff. If this is a medical condition, how is it with all the moderns science there is not medical test to confirm whether someone is trans or not? It's ok for the people who have confidence and trust their own feelings. What about when you cannot trust your own feelings? I cannot trust myself. I don't know if what I am thinking or feeling is coming from me or if it is something that has been influenced on me by reading other people's stories and somehow making them my own. That may not make sense to some of you, but I cannot distinguish between what is my reality or a reality that I have imagined for myself. I don't know how to explain it other than to say I don't trust my own thoughts. So how can I know if I am trans?

Deborah, I was actually thinking of leaving again, but I changed my mind.

Thank you all for being so kind.

[Maybebaby56]

Hi Jayne,

I can certainly understand how you feel.  My friend Suzi told me something that has stuck with me.  She said something like, "Don't spend so much time deciding what you are, it's deciding how you want to live that's important."

Blessings to you,

Terri

[jayne01]

I just want to live like a normal guy. I want to be a normal guy.

[Debbie]

Hello. I have been reading through this forum trying to find a solution to my twisted sick mind and I cannot find anything. I have spend thousands of dollars seeing 4 different therapists (3 of them with extensive trans experience) over the past 6-8 months and it seems I am no better off now than before I started.

The only thing I have been able to determine from this forum and my therapists is that I am the only one who can determine if I am trans or not. I am not even confident in making the right decision about what I want to eat for lunch, how can I possibly be qualified to decide something as incredibly huge and life changing as whether or not I am transgender.

My whole life I have lived with people second guessing every decision I have ever made. I have no confidence whatsoever in myself when it comes to making any kind of decision. There is no medical test I can take to determine if I am trans. How can I possibly know? I feel like a total freak, a Frankenstein, an abomination. The only thing I'm reasonably certain of is that I should have ever been born.

How do you know for certain you are trans?

J

I think a positive step you can take is to not to describe yourself as having "a sick, twisted mind". You evidently don't have a "sick, twisted mind". You are not harming or abusing anyone else, but are simply trying to establish whether you are trans or not.

Why don't you just take it that you are trans as a working hypothesis. Take some small initial steps. If later, you have feelings that indicate you may not be trans, then you can simply revise this hypothesis and move on. No harm will have been done to yourself or anyone else.

I wish you all the best.

[JoanneB]

The Quest For or Fallacy of Normal
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,207946.msg1844158.html#msg1844158

[Dena]

Self doubt. I had plenty of that because nobody could tell me what caused it. We had 3 theories.
1. Environmental - The way our parents raised us.
2. Genetic - Some untestable combination of genes caused it.
3. Something cause before birth, possibly hormone influenced.

Not only was there not test, but there wasn't an agreement as to what caused it. Without knowing what caused it, maybe it could be treated and cured through therapy. Medical science could offer me nothing in the way self understanding but yet, I was in pain and I knew that I couldn't continue to live with it. I decided to try something else and that was to transition and see if it solved the problem.

Unlike today, blockers were not available so the only way we had of cutting testosterone productions was a stiff dose of estrogen. For some of the girls, it worked and they reported results that many see when taking the blockers. In my case it didn't and I spent about 5 years on HRT and 2.5 years cross living unsure if this was going to make a difference. Post surgical the question was answered and I knew I made the right decision.

The answer to the question how do I know for sure? I didn't know but I knew what I was doing didn't work so it was time to try another approach.

Your approach for now should be to ask the doctor for blockers. Your body will stay the same and if it buys you peace of mind or even an improvement, you have your answer.

[jayne01]

I just saw my therapist this morning. She confirmed what I always knew but didn't really know how to explain.

I cannot make decisions that are based on emotions. I have trouble reading my own emotions. I am very good at intellectual/analytical based decisions, which is why I am very good at my job. But when it comes down to deciding whether I am trans or not, it's all a mystery to me because that is an emotional decision. It is about whether I "feel" trans or "feel" like a woman on the inside. At the moment, I am unable to figure it out because my feelings and emotions are not that easy for me to understand.

It probably explains why I keep going round in circles and keep looking for some definite proof or a test to determine if I am trans. It's my analytical brain trying to take over and decide something that is based on emotions. It is never going to work that way.

So even though I made no progress on working out whether I am trans or not, let alone what to do about it, I made progress in finding the root cause of why I don't trust my own judgement. Pretty good result for today I think.

[Midnightstar]

Hello. I have been reading through this forum trying to find a solution to my twisted sick mind and I cannot find anything. I have spend thousands of dollars seeing 4 different therapists (3 of them with extensive trans experience) over the past 6-8 months and it seems I am no better off now than before I started.

The only thing I have been able to determine from this forum and my therapists is that I am the only one who can determine if I am trans or not. I am not even confident in making the right decision about what I want to eat for lunch, how can I possibly be qualified to decide something as incredibly huge and life changing as whether or not I am transgender.

My whole life I have lived with people second guessing every decision I have ever made. I have no confidence whatsoever in myself when it comes to making any kind of decision. There is no medical test I can take to determine if I am trans. How can I possibly know? I feel like a total freak, a Frankenstein, an abomination. The only thing I'm reasonably certain of is that I should have ever been born.

How do you know for certain you are trans?

J

Okay this is going to be harder said then done but take a step back and calm yourself down
You're not a freak or a abomination. You're a human who has questions and is looking for answers.
Sometimes i feel similar. How did i know i was transgender that came over time and it came over a lot
of doubts and struggles that i still have that i am working on. However i'm going to take that scary road
because inside my head is the answer and living life not as who i am is going to get me hurt more.
I don't know if this will help but: Even scientists don't always know the answer, and sometimes they have to risk it to understand to know something. And doctors without taking that step or risk they wouldn't save lives. What i'm trying to say is i don't know if they'll ever be a answer but sometimes listening to our hearts have gotten us answers we needed and done wonderful things and ended up helpful. Listen to your heart and your heart will lead you even if its scary. And remember you're not! a freak you're a wonderful person
who has the ability to discover who you are inside. I wish you luck. 

[Jacqueline]

You are all so very nice. I feel like I don't deserve your kindness because I seem so set in my ways and unwilling to change. Well, it is not that I am unwilling to change, but I don't want to change without being certain and yet there seems to be no certainty in this stuff. If this is a medical condition, how is it with all the moderns science there is not medical test to confirm whether someone is trans or not? It's ok for the people who have confidence and trust their own feelings. What about when you cannot trust your own feelings? I cannot trust myself. I don't know if what I am thinking or feeling is coming from me or if it is something that has been influenced on me by reading other people's stories and somehow making them my own. That may not make sense to some of you, but I cannot distinguish between what is my reality or a reality that I have imagined for myself. I don't know how to explain it other than to say I don't trust my own thoughts. So how can I know if I am trans?

Deborah, I was actually thinking of leaving again, but I changed my mind.

Thank you all for being so kind.

It is not a question of deserving. Even if you can't make  a decision based on feelings or emotions, that does not stop the rest of us from seeing ourselves in you. It is like family. Our (for the most part) "birth defect" gives us a related back ground. You may not see it without emperical data but we recognize it. That is why want to help.

Dena and others are right. There are a number of us who did not come to grips with this till much later. I stated in my last  post here that I only came to that conclusion(a lot like you, looking for science and proof to back me up) about a year ago. To be more clear, I am 51. I cross dressed and purged the clothes for decades and asked my self questions for years. I even blocked the memory of some of this out, till I started casting back and thinking about other experiences and evidence I had. However, I never allowed myself to think I might be something other than what others could see. I just thought I was a pervert, monster, abomination...     Sound familiar?

I am not saying I know you or what is the right thing to do. However, I see you casting around in many directions trying to make your arguments and react and ask questions and react and, and, and

Whirling dirvish. Wow, I think I remember doing that too but mostly with myself.

I am sorry you are so uncomfortable. This is not easy and very few people look upon being trans as something they are happy about. How do you move next is the question. That is the question I ask myself every day now. Still don't have all the answers.

I hope you find what you are looking for.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Asche]

I just want to live like a normal guy. I want to be a normal guy.

Not to be snarky (really!), but we can want a lot of things we can't have.  As the Rolling Stones sang:

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need

I used to think my problem was that I just wasn't trying hard enough.  I needed to make myself do X, Y, Z, whatever.  I had to be "the captain of my soul" and whip myself into shape.  I had to tell the part of me that wasn't my conscious mind to just shut up and do as it was told.

It never worked.  It was a ridiculous failure.  I was just fighting myself.  This little part of myself that I thought of as "me" was trying to control a much larger self and it was as impossible as grabbing your shoelaces and pulling yourself up into the air.

Finally, around 12 years ago, I gave up.  I decided to try listening to the rest of "me," which was hard because I had taken its voice away (mostly.)  I started relaxing and going with the flow.  I stopped insisting on some image of myself and just saw what happened when I followed my feelings.

IT HAS BEEN WONDERFUL!!

I've finally started being able to see and deal with the demons that have hounded me my whole life.  My episodes of self-hatred and suicidal urges are finally getting less intense.  The inner 11-year-old whose misery has cast a pall over my soul for the past 50 years is getting less miserable and more hopeful.  I'm starting to look forward to life instead of only looking forward to dying.  I still get depressed, but it doesn't overwhelm me the way it used to.

And life is fun, and exciting (in a good way.)

It's also been scary, especially when I start imagining all the things that can happen.  Especially since I can't see where this is taking me, at least not very far down the road.  I have to let that inner voice calm me, the way a mother calms an anxious toddler.

But I would not give this journey up for the world.