There is no solution to this.....or maybe there is!

[jayne01]

The therapist never mentioned anything about anxiety. When it comes to dealing with the gender stuff, yes, I have just about every condition there is, anxiety, depression, etc, etc.....

If you remove the gender stuff from the equation there is not many things that bother me. Except that the gender stuff has been going on for long enough that it is all a but of a blur as to which problem came first and is the root cause of the other problems. I do have some social anxiety, however. I don't do well in large gatherings and don't easily meet new people, but I have improved greatly in that area as I have gotten older.

[jayne01]

I am now convinced more than ever that there is no solution to my problems. Both my therapists agree that I have trouble identifying with emotions and have both heck me some homework to get more in touch with emotions. It has only been two days since my last therapist session and this emotion business is a total disaster.

All I feel is depression, anger, isolation, emptiness, sadness and a whole bunch of other negative stuff that I can't think of a name for. I have not felt worse about myself than I have these past two days. It totally sucks.

I came on to this forum to see if I have anything to offer and help other people to maybe make me feel better about myself. There were a few posts that I could relate to and thought I could add something but then thought better if it. The only thing I had to offer was my own depressing version of the story and that isn't going to help anybody. I have no way to relate to other people. So rather than making me feel better, I ended up feeling even worse.

I am more than likely going to delete my account.....again. It is not right for me to keep coming here and just continue taking and not offering anything back in return. You have all offered me lots o advice, but I just don't think I can start taking hormones. I don't have the right to affect other people's lives like that if I start taking HRT. I am only one person, and others are many. It is not fair for my actions to negatively impact so many others. I'm sorry I could not be more useful here at Susan's.

J

[tsroxy]

I shouldn't say much being in a similar boat than you are but.. you only live goddamn once (depending on what your believes are). You have EVERY right to be who you want to be, obviously you're struggling with yourself and especially your identity and you'll keep doing so, it's inevitable. I know if I'm not doing anything myself, I'll keep sinking into depressions like I have all my life, really not nice to play an act everyday to please others or society.

[JoanneB]

I always love a good irony.

Over the past several weeks thanks to North Carolina about 99% of the BS being spewed out about TG is that "They have (obvious) mental issues", etc., and of course the got to love it "THERE IS NO DEFINITIVE TEST FOR........"

Now, where have I seen this many times before?

Can you say "Internalized Transphobia"? I sure have a few too many pounds of it I carry around.

The therapist never mentioned anything about anxiety. When it comes to dealing with the gender stuff, yes, I have just about every condition there is, anxiety, depression, etc, etc.....

I saw my first ever therapist about 7 years ago for help in loosing all the baggage and not for transitioning. Been there tried it twice, not for me. Because of where and who I worked for, as well as Trans Care Exclusions in my insurance, I was concerned how the visits were coded.

He answered "Depression. I haven't seen a TG who wasn't depressed"

When I changed jobs, moved back home to NJ and eventually found a for real gender therapist I once again asked how the visits are coded because of insurance exclusions

She answered "Anxiety. I haven't seen a TG who didn't suffer from anxiety"

[Steph7]

Jayne,
You appear to be trying to look at the logically.
I am near where you are and there is little logic.

For example - logic would suggest that given I have lived 40 years as a guy, life would be easier if I could just forget all this transgender stuff and get on with living. The problem is these feelings do not surrender to logic. They exist at a level that I cannot understand - but they are there. Not everything in life can be explained or proven.

Emotions. Your therapist has likely explained that your mind could have built up a defence mechanism to shield you from your emotions because boys are taught we should not show them. For me the catalyst was having children. Once we had children mentally I changed - I no longer felt the need to shield myself from my emotions. I am not saying for you to have children, I am just saying that you may not be able to force open that emotional block. It will take time.

If you wish you can bundle this up as something you don't like or don't explain - but you tried ignoring it before and it never went away -so ignoring now will likely have a no different outcome.

Lastly I think it was Albert Einstein who said "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

Take care
Cass

[jayne01]

I cannot understand why nobody can come up with a diagnosis and tell me whether or not I am trans. A therapist can tell me I have depression and anxiety by observing me and seeing my symptoms. Why can't they diagnose whether or not I am trans the same way they diagnose depression and anxiety? It doesn't make any sense to me. What makes being trans any different to being depressed or anxious? They are all medical conditions of the brain. I don't understand why being trans is left up to the individual.

I fix planes for a living. If a pilot has an issue with the plane, they will give me a list of symptoms and I possibly run some additional tests and come up with a diagnosis and fix the problem. The pilot doesn't come up with the diagnosis, they just report the symptoms. Similarly, if I am feeling unwell, I go to the doctor and tell them my symptoms. They then come up with a diagnosis, possibly after running some tests, and then proceed to fix me.

So why is it that I go see a therapist, give them all my symptoms (dysphoria, etc), they ask me a bunch of questions, listen to me tell them all my woes and yet they still won't come up with a diagnosis. I am still expected to know for certain what ails me.

The pilot operates the plane and is an expert at doing that. But I am the expert at knowing how the plane is put together and how it all works. I am the one that operates my body and I know how to do that. But the medical professionals are the ones that know how the body is all put together and how it all works. Just like the pilot, I have a very limited knowledge of how the machine I operate functions, but I am no expert. So why do all the experts refuse to tell me what is wrong with this machine that is me?

[Dena]

Your therapist already knows as does everybody reading this thread. You are transgender and even you said earlier that you have accepted the fact. What you are not accepting is the treatment because of the change it will make in your life. Unfortunately I have seen this before on the site. People will come to the site, explore and then leave the site for months to years until they finally reach the point that the discomfort can no longer be tolerated. They then return and regret the time they wasted.

We will continue working with you as long as you don't give up. We had our own difficulty getting around some road block in the past just like you are now. It's not a question of will you move to the next stage of treatment but when.

The transgender feeling is as much a part of you as your sexual preference. You are not questioning your sexual preference even though it's just as emotional as the transgender feeling.

As for fixing you, you are the only one who can do that and you find it hard to accept the treatment. I don't know if part time, full time or surgery is in your future because you haven't moved far enough to tell me but the doctor will not be able to give you a pill other than HRT that will help you with this. So far you have refused to consider the blockers which might answer your question.

[Deborah]

Although I thought I was I wanted to be sure and to rule out insanity or some other such thing.  So I went to a therapist and at the end of the second visit asked if he had a diagnosis.  He told me outright that it was pretty clear to him that I was trans.  So if your therapist will not tell you that then maybe you need a new one.  If he has told you that already then there is nothing more to say.  There is no cure.  There are only treatments to relieve the distress with the least invasive being HRT.

Why some know early and some do not is a good question without a simple answer.  I expect that back in the days when there was absolutely no information available there was some complex psychology at work in how each individual thinks, processes information, analyzes situations, and makes decisions coupled with the severity of the dysphoria at an early age.


Sapere Aude

[jayne01]

Hi Dena,

I appreciate your advice, I really do. You have first hand experience and reading your replies to me and others, I can tell you really care.

The problem for me is that this forum is still very anonymous because I have never met anyone here in person. None of my therapists have ever suggested I start taking any blockers it HRT and they are the medical professionals that know me personally. You may be 100% correct in your recommendation for blockers but I don't think it is something I can do based on what I have been told by someone I have never met on the Internet. Especially when 4 therapists and a go have not suggested the same thing. Does that make sense? I grew up in an environment where taking any medication should be done with caution and only under medical supervision. I don't even take aspirin.

Also, if my therapists know I am transgender, why is it every time I ask them the question they tell me the don't know and cannot know, it is something that only I could know?

[Dena]

Therapist use different ways of handling people. I have found a psychologist to be better to deal with in this case because the mind can't be changed. A psychologist takes the view that "so you have a problem, tough, live with it". They don't try to fix the problem but instead help you move beyond it.

As for HRT, the therapist aren't going to give you HRT until you are ready for it. How will they know? You will ask for it. That was the way it worked for me and had I known, I would have ask sooner. In no way am I suggesting self medication because you need to get the correct balance and the only way to do that is with blood test to check your hormone levels.

Because of years of dealing with people who are transgender and because I know what it's like, I can often tell in a few lines of text in a single post if a person is transgender. The doctor may have an opinion but not a fact so they can't say they know. You might ask if the doctor feels it's possible you are transgender instead of asking for a hard diagnosis.

You will have to throw caution to the wind, pick a direction and go for it. Like in the past, if an approach isn't working, you have permission to change your mind and try something else.

[jayne01]

Therapist use different ways of handling people. I have found a psychologist to be better to deal with in this case because the mind can't be changed. A psychologist takes the view that "so you have a problem, tough, live with it". They don't try to fix the problem but instead help you move beyond it.

The therapists I have been seeing are psychologists. I have been using the word "therapist" because it is easier to spell. I thought therapist was just a generic term that includes psychologists, psychiatrist, couseler, etc. is that incorrect?

[Dena]

I use therapist for the same reason and because I am not sure what is available in the country where somebody is being treated. Therapist is generic and it really isn't important which one you are seeing as long as you get results. I have never see a counselor but I have see the other two. For me, the psychologist worked because we were no longer attempting to understand why I was the way I was. The only thing I got from a psychiatrist was HRT but it wasn't as effective as what's available today so I didn't learn anything from it.

[Marienz]

I am now convinced more than ever that there is no solution to my problems. Both my therapists agree that I have trouble identifying with emotions and have both heck me some homework to get more in touch with emotions. It has only been two days since my last therapist session and this emotion business is a total disaster.

All I feel is depression, anger, isolation, emptiness, sadness and a whole bunch of other negative stuff that I can't think of a name for. I have not felt worse about myself than I have these past two days. It totally sucks.

I came on to this forum to see if I have anything to offer and help other people to maybe make me feel better about myself. There were a few posts that I could relate to and thought I could add something but then thought better if it. The only thing I had to offer was my own depressing version of the story and that isn't going to help anybody. I have no way to relate to other people. So rather than making me feel better, I ended up feeling even worse.

I am more than likely going to delete my account.....again. It is not right for me to keep coming here and just continue taking and not offering anything back in return. You have all offered me lots o advice, but I just don't think I can start taking hormones. I don't have the right to affect other people's lives like that if I start taking HRT. I am only one person, and others are many. It is not fair for my actions to negatively impact so many others. I'm sorry I could not be more useful here at Susan's.

J

Hello:)
If I can help in anyway.. Please message:) thinking about you:)

[ryokohimura]

I cannot understand why nobody can come up with a diagnosis and tell me whether or not I am trans. A therapist can tell me I have depression and anxiety by observing me and seeing my symptoms. Why can't they diagnose whether or not I am trans the same way they diagnose depression and anxiety? It doesn't make any sense to me. What makes being trans any different to being depressed or anxious? They are all medical conditions of the brain. I don't understand why being trans is left up to the individual.

I fix planes for a living. If a pilot has an issue with the plane, they will give me a list of symptoms and I possibly run some additional tests and come up with a diagnosis and fix the problem. The pilot doesn't come up with the diagnosis, they just report the symptoms. Similarly, if I am feeling unwell, I go to the doctor and tell them my symptoms. They then come up with a diagnosis, possibly after running some tests, and then proceed to fix me.

So why is it that I go see a therapist, give them all my symptoms (dysphoria, etc), they ask me a bunch of questions, listen to me tell them all my woes and yet they still won't come up with a diagnosis. I am still expected to know for certain what ails me.

The pilot operates the plane and is an expert at doing that. But I am the expert at knowing how the plane is put together and how it all works. I am the one that operates my body and I know how to do that. But the medical professionals are the ones that know how the body is all put together and how it all works. Just like the pilot, I have a very limited knowledge of how the machine I operate functions, but I am no expert. So why do all the experts refuse to tell me what is wrong with this machine that is me?

It seems that a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist needs specific training in gender issues, as with sexuality or any other specialty. A good general therapist will at least tell you that this is outside their wheelhouse and perhaps offer to assist as you seek out a therapist who specializes in gender-related issues. I went through the whole depression/bi-polar/anxiety run-around for twelve years before I finally told someone "I think I'm a woman." In me doing that I basically showed up to a mechanic who works on Cessnas with an A380 and say "Fix it". Most symptoms can be tied to multiple things. Without a full picture, a general therapist is going to go with what is commonly seen.

Again, I've been through the depression/bi-polar rodeo with mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics that didn't work. You kind of need to be your own advocate with this. It can be difficult as most people wouldn't think this to be an option. My own mother would continually say "Guys can do that" for nearly everthing I felt would have been a great moment to say "You're right, guys don't do that. That's fine and here's why" and I could have solved this ten-twelve years ago. But no, all I got was "Your sad, take this". Basically my Cessna mechanics were telling me "You have a problem in your pistons" and to my knowledge....jet engines don't have pistons.

[Rebecca]

I am no therapist but it looks to me like you really want a professional to diagnose you as being trans so you can say it's not your fault.

It is not a disease, I am not a mistake but nor is it a choice but I AM trans. It is simply what I am but not who I am. I am female in mind and soul even if my body disagrees I am female.

I also really majorly dislike the taste of wasabi.

Random fact but relevant could any professional tell me I don't like that particular food unless I told them? I seriously doubt it. I have millions of other likes and dislikes which when added up anyone can make a good guess. Most likely the right guess but it remains a guess until I confirm it. Then it becomes a fact.

Very simplistic but only you can tell someone if you are trans or not. It is not a choice and you cannot be blamed.

It is just what you are but not who you are.

Once you know it is your choice though as to what to do with your life.

[Steph7]

Jayne

A mental health professional will prefer for you to come to the conclusion yourself. That indicates a form of acceptance and means the patient has a better chance of moving through it.

Also saying some one is transgender is placing  a label on someone - for something which can not be medically rectified- at least not in the traditional medical way - ie to remove it and leave the person relatively unchanged.

I know how I felt for years - but the moment someone mentioned that I might be trans my first thoughts were of ending my life. Why? Not because how I felt but because of the way society rejects trans people.

Small steps.

Take care

[JoanneB]

The usual "diagnosis" you've heard from most here is pretty much along the lines of you are beyond the once or twice fantasizing/thoughts of "Is the grass greener on the other side?" you have GD. The hard part is where on the spectrum are you? This is where a for real gender therapist is good to have. Yes, there are plenty of cheerleaders who jump to there is only one solution, all in. Not always desired nor practical for everyone. Of course if you see only two options and one has a do-over, nothing wrong with giving all in a try. I hope never to be in that position. Most days I'm OK where I am

I always tend to make the distinction between a for real gender therapist, trans friendly, or plain ole generalist. A for real gender therapist actually has lots of TG clients across the entire spectrum from questioning to all in transitioning and beyond. They read plenty of books on it. Go to conferences. Read papers, etc..

A T-Friendly one has seen a few, no training, little to no reading up on it, no going to conferences etc.. Just plain is not hostile. (more on this a minute). And then there are the generalist. Those who barely know what the word means. Hopefully not hostile and is trainable by the client... Not a good situation.

A member of my group SO is working on becoming a therapist. Since she has a special interest in GD she started researching for schools with programs for that. Guess what? There ain't any. So much comes down who you train under/with in the field.

If they are a therapist or a psych. has no bearing on working with you on GD. All three classifications above apply One can prescribe meds and is needed in most cases for a final GCS permission slip. That's it.

When I was seeking out support while living in the boonies I used the Psychology Today doc finder as a guide. After about a dozen calls I soon learned the "Gender Issues" key word translates roughly into "I once had a class where it was mentioned". I learned from my support group there was no even partially experienced therapist in the area. One that was somewhat well trained by group members over the years, one so-so. Both friendlies compared to most others.

For me, local anything was a minimum of 90 miles away. Another 60+ drive was needed to hit DC or Pittsburgh to get to very qualified therapist. But hey... I wasn't transitioning. That was the last thing on my To-Do list after two utter fails in my 20's

Gender clinics need a critical mass of clients to be viable. Unless you are in or within striking distance of a big city with one, or more, your next best bet is a for real gender therapist. Again, critical mass applies there too. Just a lot less.

BTW - It is also possible for noted persons of letters, in a "Gender Clinic" situation to be hostile. As in GD is some sort of mental disorder they can fix. There is one notable clinic for that on the east coast.

Finding a qualified therapist usually entails first hand recommendations from support group members. You can also try a regional to state wide Trans advocacy group for guidance. Here in the US many PFLAG groups do a good transgender outreach sometimes extending to adults since the numbers are so low. It pays to check with them also if there is one near you

To recap. Diagnosing GD is EASY. The real work is WHERE on the very broad spectrum between Cis-Female and Cis-Male you can find peace. All-In is not for everyone just as deep denial or stuffing is not

[KarlMars]

If you were cis I don't see why you would be obsessed with finding out "for sure" if you're trans. It seems to me if you were cis it wouldn't cross your mind that you were trans.

[jayne01]

Just to clarify, because I may not have been clear in my earlier posts. Of the 4 psychologists I have seen, 1 did not have any trans experience but was certainly trans friendly and did his best to educate himself in order to help me the best he could. I knew that from the start and it was more of a stop gap until my turn came upon the waiting list I was on to see the gender psychologist I am currently seeing. She has extensive experience and pretty much exclusively deals with trans people. She keeps herself up to date and is also a wonderful human being. She had referred me to another psychologist who was better trained at dealing with couples and she also deals exclusively with gender identity. She has a PhD on the subject, participated in various studies and written papers and books and definitely knows her stuff. She has subsequently referred me to the 4th therapist who is well versed with trans clients, but the reason I am seeing her is to help me deal with the shame, self loathing and other issues, which are related to my gender identity issues but need to be dealt as separate issue. I am still regularly seeing the 2nd and 4th therapists and they also have my concert to communicate with each other so that they can each better help me.

I have no doubt that I am lucky enough to be seeing the best therapists available and any problems I am having with acceptance is due to problems in my own mind and not due to the therapists treating me.

I hope that clears things up a bit.

[tsroxy]

Shame is something I'm also struggling with a lot. I'm as "straight" as they come, outgoing etc.. question is not if but when I out myself, people will be so shocked and I don't want to be seen as a "gay guy", I'm not. But at the same time I don't want to feel trapped for the rest of my life, I'm deeply unhappy and I keep falling into depressions with nobody to talk to, it sucks so much.

I've never been able to relate with guys in any way, never understood the macho behaviour, never been part of any of it, I don't present feminine in any way though.. I guess some people you can really tell they're feminine, not me. >_<

What I'm trying to say though, in life you got to take a leap of faith, you could stay unhappy for the rest of it or you could be who you are and be free at once. Living in a prison is NOT nice.

It sounds like you really want to be free but you're very afraid of consequences, you're not thinking about yourself.