There is no solution to this.....or maybe there is!

[autumn08]

Cisgender male and transgender female are not the same. I would think transgender female and cisgender female are more equivalent. Both identify as female. Cisgender male identifies as male.

If you needed to choose between living as a cisgender male, or transgender female would you esteem both equally?

(I know you agree that transgender and cisgender females are equivalent, but I'm using these two options because they are the options you're faced with choosing to identify with.)

[autumn08]

I need to try and get some sleep. It is after 2am and I am struggling to think straight.

Thank you for your replies.

Goodnight.

[Gendermutt]

Part of what I think you are struggling with in accepting transgender is your belief that you must completely alter your life to 100% female. Now, maybe in the future you will. I am not suggesting that you won't, or shouldn't. I am going to say though that there are more, many many more people in the transgender spectrum that are not living 100% the opposite of their birth gender, then are.

I can tell you as can pretty much everyone on here that acceptance is not just an on and off switch. It is a process. A long winding sometimes wonderful sometimes difficult process. I am not transitioning. I am not planning to. I am never going to say never, but I do not see transition in my future. Right now, I do not need to in order to feel good about myself. I do not need to in order to function. But I did get to a point where I needed to accept that I was not cisgender. I did need to accept myself as more feminine than the average male. Enough that I often will behave in ways, have mannerisms that are more like a female. And I dress as one sometimes. I do not live as one though. I do not consider myself to be a female, but like a female, or perhaps part female. Will it go further, I don't know, but I know I am more at peace with myself and able to be a better everything with simply my self acceptance and just being able to be myself.

I totally understand your worries about the others in your life, namely your wife. Now, some do end up staying together even through full transition, although many do not. When it comes to simply accepting oneself as transgender, and perhaps crossdressing or perhaps other simple ways of expressing femininity, more couples stay together than don't.

You can be transgender and not do a full transition to the opposite gender. Again, not saying that you should or shouldn't, or that you will or won't. I am just saying that to be transgender does not mean you have to, or that you are 100% the opposite gender.

I think for right now, rather than to take on all of mt, Everest of transgender, just start at the beginning, the 1st base camp if you will. Just take it one step at a time. Many never get to the absolute top. It is not right for them. But even for those who do need to be there, it is not a straight climb to the top. It takes many years in most cases. It takes many stops along the way. When you are ready to go further you will. If you have gone up far enough, you will know that too. I personally am camping out about half way up. My wife is fully aware of this. Not always easy for her, but she accepts that this is who I am. I don't know if I will ever need to climb higher or not. Right now, no. I am not making any plans to. If one day I begin to feel like I need to go farther, I will then begin working on that. It has been 3 and a half years from me to when I 1st truly accepted myself. Please try not to think of it as a one and done deal, okay.

[gstorm1997]

I think you were expressing some gender nonconforming feelings, went to a therapist, or several. and got totally confused.
This could happen to anyone unfortunately because of all the recent attention concerning the transgender community therapists and psychiatrists are really at a loss.
But I struggle sometimes in the same way, I wonder if i'm really transgender, or if I'm fooling myself and ruining my <not allowed>  life. But then I recognize how I feel.
Your problem can be solved with self awareness, which yes, is a lot harder than it sounds. You have to forget what everyone else is saying to a certain degree, and know yourself. What do I need, what do I need to feel comfortable and to be happy, and these thoughts might help.
When I try to convince myself that I'm not transgender, it's because I don't want to suffer through all of that trans agony. Passing, hormones, being misgendered. I just wish I could be comfortable in my biological sex, but I'm not, and that's the truth pain and simple, so I have to tell myself the truth and be honest.
Be honest with yourself, and listen to what you need from yourself. If you are comfortable as you are, in a male/ female body, but you like to dress in a gender nonconforming way, whatever go for it. That doesn't make you trans and it doesn't mean you have to transition. Vice versa if you are uncomfortable in your present anatomy, find a way to be comfortable

Moderator edit: Removed profanity as per TOS #11.

[zirconia]

Jayne,

I am afraid of making a monumental mistake and ruining my wife's and my life because I made the wrong initial diagnosis.

I do understand. You don't want to ruin your wife's and your own life with a wrong initial diagnosis. From that statement and the communication to date it does sound like you have made a diagnosis, but are afraid it may be wrong. If so, is it correct to say that what you're really looking for now is a professional confirmation or negation of the diagnosis—like when a pilot comes to you for a consult?

I understand that transition is not easy and is likely very frightening. That is not what scares me. Going down any particular path is not the scary part, it is turning onto the wrong path in the first place.

Again I understand. It probably feels like you're standing at a crossroads, where taking a step in one direction seems like it might lead to disaster.  You want someone with much more professional knowledge make the confirmation/negation of your initial diagnosis before you'll take that turn.

If your therapist would request some tests and/or experiments, how would you feel? Perhaps you already have asked, but if not, would you yourself be willing to request such experiments or tests?

[jayne01]

If your therapist would request some tests and/or experiments, how would you feel? Perhaps you already have asked, but if not, would you yourself be willing to request such experiments or tests?

I have asked many times. I have even asked to submit myself to any experimental surgeries if they exist to make the dysphoria go away. I will take a test, but everybody tells me no test exists.

[jayne01]

If you needed to choose between living as a cisgender male, or transgender female would you esteem both equally?

(I know you agree that transgender and cisgender females are equivalent, but I'm using these two options because they are the options you're faced with choosing to identify with.)

I didn't think it was a choice. You are either cis or trans, I didn't think you got to choose. If I could choose, I would definitely go with cis. Cis anything! Why would I choose to be trans and choose all the difficulties that go with that?

[jayne01]

I think you were expressing some gender nonconforming feelings, went to a therapist, or several. and got totally confused.
This could happen to anyone unfortunately because of all the recent attention concerning the transgender community therapists and psychiatrists are really at a loss.

In Australia I don't thing that the transgender community has gotten any more or less attention in recent times. Caitlin Jenner made the news when she appeared on the cover of that magazine but I think that was pretty much it. I don't think my therapists are being affected by any form of media coverage.

[jayne01]

Jayne,

I do understand. You don't want to ruin your wife's and your own life with a wrong initial diagnosis. From that statement and the communication to date it does sound like you have made a diagnosis, but are afraid it may be wrong. If so, is it correct to say that what you're really looking for now is a professional confirmation or negation of the diagnosis—like when a pilot comes to you for a consult?

Again I understand. It probably feels like you're standing at a crossroads, where taking a step in one direction seems like it might lead to disaster.  You want someone with much more professional knowledge make the confirmation/negation of your initial diagnosis before you'll take that turn.

I haven't made any diagnosis. I have come up with a best guess by reading other people's stories and trying to relate them to me, but my "diagnosis" keeps changing with every story I read because everyone is different and I don't fit in to any story entirely. I have gotten myself so confused that I don't know what to think. I don't trust my diagnosis because it keeps changing. That is why I want a professional to give me an unbiased objective opinion, even their best guess will do. That would be better than what I can come up with.

[autumn08]

I didn't think it was a choice. You are either cis or trans, I didn't think you got to choose. If I could choose, I would definitely go with cis. Cis anything! Why would I choose to be trans and choose all the difficulties that go with that?

I can't get my point across and we aren't making much progress with this issue, and we have more important issues to deal with, so let's try a different approach. 

If you don't hate yourself for being transgender, you understand that you can't stop wanting to be opposite sex (I know you would rather be a normal guy, but that isn't an option), and you understand that the only way you can improve your life and the lives you care about is to placate your desires, what is stopping you from accepting yourself as transgender?

You can live with pain, or alleviate your pain by continually doing things that move you towards your ideal and accepting there is nothing wrong with doing those things. While I understand that you're afraid to make a mistake, since it benefits no one if you don't alleviate your pain, you really only have one option. Therefore, please liberate yourself from the mess you're using to protect yourself from taking action.

[Fresas con Nata]

I don't remember ever thinking I was a girl when I was a child. It has never been a lifelong dream wishing I was a girl.

Nor do I. Nor has it for me. However things do change. We don't like the same car or the same colour for our bedroom's wallpaper throughout our entire lifes. We can be confused about the reasons why things change, rest assured I am, but we can't change the fact that things change.

If you didn't have any responsibilities, would you want to be a cisgender male, rather than a transgender female, or are the two equivalent?

If without your responsibilities, you would want to be the opposite sex, you are by definition transgender.

Honestly it doesn't matter if I was cisgender male or female. I want the dysphoria and confusion to not be there.

Don't dodge the question . You live alone, no SO, no family, no nobody. You are self-employed and make a decent income, you can allow yourself to say "heck I'm not working today". You're free.

Would you like to wake up tomorrow and be a woman? Would you like?

When you referred to me as "she" in your above reply I had to read it twice because the first time I read it I didn't know who you were referring to. [...] Being referred to as "she" did not seem right.

While I'm sure how I feel, I found it surprising how difficult was to adapt the adjectives when I talk about myself. In spanish, adjectives have several forms depending on grammatical number and gender, and all it takes is having a conversation in which you reply eg. "I'm not convinced" or "I'm feeling tired today" and then you have the choice. It's taking me weeks to adapt those, while taking care to still use the masculine forms when talking to people at work / friends I'm not out to.

It's perfectly normal that "she" or "her" doesn't sound right at the beginning. You've been using masculine pronouns for forty years.

I am afraid of making a monumental mistake and ruining my wife's and my life because I made the wrong initial diagnosis.

You can always try a slow experiment and see how you feel. There are people with are undergoing HRT with low doses. It can be stopped at any point with no long-term effects. Ask your therapist(s) for that. You have nothing to lose. That wouldn't be a mistake, just an experiment. As others have said, sitting there without doing anything does you no good.

[Gendermutt]

Thought I would weigh in with another thought when it comes to our partners. Often times I see where the s/o struggles is in part due to how we struggle with it all. How is she ever to be comfortable with it if you are going through so much inner turmoil? The back and forth struggle, turmoil, not knowing who you are, fighting yourself is harder on her than you accepting yourself. At least then she knows and can decide for herself if this is something she wants to deal with. It is not knowing where you are on all this, watching you struggle, hate yourself, fight yourself and leaving her in a black hole of uncertainty.

Lastly, and I will keep saying this is that you need not look at transgender as an all or nothing deal. Freeing the mind is as important as any change you do make, if you do make any. Not all who are transgender do make a complete change . I like the life I have built for myself. Yes, there are times where I wish I was dressed in women's clothes. Times I wish I was a woman so I didn't have to feel the frustration of being a man. For me, a middle path helps enormously. I get to be able to have feminine expression. I get to be "who" I am inside. The divide between genders is in a lot of ways not  nearly as wide as we sometimes make it to be.

[jayne01]

what is stopping you from accepting yourself as transgender?

I don't have any proof. Just because I have some weird feeling inside doesn't make me transgender. I need some solid proof.

[jayne01]

Don't dodge the question . You live alone, no SO, no family, no nobody. You are self-employed and make a decent income, you can allow yourself to say "heck I'm not working today". You're free.

Would you like to wake up tomorrow and be a woman? Would you like?

I'm not dodging the question. My honest answer is it doesn't matter how I wake up so long as the dysphoria is not there. If I wake up a woman with no dysphoria, that's great. If I wake up a man with no dysphoria, that is great too. Both options are equal to me. I know that is different to what many of you here feel. I'm sure most here would say they want to wake up a woman (or man for FTM) without giving it a second thought. I'm not like that. I only want the dysphoria to go away. That is part of the reason I am having doubts about being trans, I don't think like you.

[jayne01]

Thought I would weigh in with another thought when it comes to our partners. Often times I see where the s/o struggles is in part due to how we struggle with it all. How is she ever to be comfortable with it if you are going through so much inner turmoil? The back and forth struggle, turmoil, not knowing who you are, fighting yourself is harder on her than you accepting yourself. At least then she knows and can decide for herself if this is something she wants to deal with. It is not knowing where you are on all this, watching you struggle, hate yourself, fight yourself and leaving her in a black hole of uncertainty.

Lastly, and I will keep saying this is that you need not look at transgender as an all or nothing deal. Freeing the mind is as important as any change you do make, if you do make any. Not all who are transgender do make a complete change . I like the life I have built for myself. Yes, there are times where I wish I was dressed in women's clothes. Times I wish I was a woman so I didn't have to feel the frustration of being a man. For me, a middle path helps enormously. I get to be able to have feminine expression. I get to be "who" I am inside. The divide between genders is in a lot of ways not  nearly as wide as we sometimes make it to be.

How can you accept to be trans and do nothing about it. Wouldn't that just make you feel even more isolated within your own body, knowing you are the opposite of what you appear to be?

I have been through a couple of phases of trying to accept myself as trans. Each time they lasted less than a week and ended in a massive meltdown. During that week I would feel this huge emptiness inside like a massive part of me was missing and then when the meltdown came, I was a total mess and upset my wife enormously. I promised I wouldn't put myself or her through that again unless I have all the facts.

[Gendermutt]

I think you are searching for something tangible, about being transgender, when there is no such tangible thing. Transgender is simply a state of being. I am not any more or less transgender regardless of what I am wearing, or what I am doing.

Most will do something about it, but there is no law, no actual reason to do anything other than accept that you are. Anything anyone does is for their own comfort. Be it occasional CDing, or participating in predominantly female hobbies/activities. Maybe just under dressing. Wearing a small piece of jewelry that is fem. Shaving your legs.... I am not sure what you are now doing or have done, or thinking of doing. I am just reiterating that to be trans does not mean you have to completely alter your entire life and live entirely female and transition. Do you wish to? Do you feel you will only be happy if you do? Can you see a point in your life where you could have feminine expression of some kind while retaining your life as you are currently living it?

I cross dress in private. My nails are on the long side. I shave just about all of my body. At home and around my wife, I am free to just be natural as to however my behavior and mannerisms are, which tend to be on the feminine side. All of that helps me, but none of it is as important as my self acceptance. I don't do those things to make myself feminine, I do those things because I am feminine.  After considering it, I found that transition to living as a woman would be harder for me than to stake out a middle ground and still live life as I do. I have made adjustments to my life, but I haven't completely changed it.

I do get frustrated sometimes being a man. It is sometimes difficult for me. Part of my acceptance is accepting that, and not feeling like a failure for having difficulty being a man. So going halfway up the mountain seems to be a workable solution for me. I don't know if it will be for you, but it is an option you can consider.

[Violets]

I have even asked to submit myself to any experimental surgeries if they exist to make the dysphoria go away.

Yet you are not prepared to consider trialling a low dose of HRT to help reduce the intensity of the dysphoria, even for 3 months? There are many who have started HRT and actually thought they were cured, that's how much it reduced the dysphoria for them.

[jayne01]

Yet you are not prepared to consider trialling a low dose of HRT to help reduce the intensity of the dysphoria, even for 3 months?

Why have none of my therapists ever suggested any form of HRT? Shouldn't the health care professional be the one to recommend if I should take medication and what kind I should take? Again, this is not making sense to me. It is all backwards. What is the point of health care professionals if the patient does the diagnosis and then decided what medication to take? This is doing my head in.

[Violets]

Why have none of my therapists ever suggested any form of HRT?

I honestly can't answer that, but I will say that this is the 3rd time I've been on HRT (the first was in the late 90s) and each time, I specifically asked for it. The difference it made to my headspace within 2-3 weeks, even at a low dose, was astounding!

I'm not sure if this makes any difference whatsoever, but I have only ever seen psychiatrists who specialise in this area, never a psychologist.

[jayne01]

I honestly can't answer that, but I will say that this is the 3rd time I've been on HRT (the first was in the late 90s) and each time, I specifically asked for it. The difference it made to my headspace within 2-3 weeks, even at a low dose, was astounding!

I'll try to remember to bring it up next session. I'll ask them why they haven't suggested I try HRT when so many on this forum have suggested I do try it.