Ok, I am going to go ahead and make the diagnosis for you Jayne. You are gender variant. I am not going to diagnose you as transgender, because only you can do that, but you are HERE for a reason. I know denial, I have been through it all. 6 years ago, when my new girlfriend, now wife would every once in a while notice I would do something in a fem like manner, if she would have asked then, "are you transgender" I would have said emphatically NO. I would have believed myself back then too. Just odd feminine quirks in an otherwise normal male is what I was. eh, those little random thoughts of wishing to be a woman, repress, deny, repress, deny, repeat....
As I am human, I have sometimes had other emotional issues. None real severe. I have gotten depressed at times. I have had anxiety at times. I have had anger issues at times. I have suffered from alcoholism. I am on my 2nd go around on the wagon. Not all of these things are directly related to my gender issues. Although all but anxiety are a part of that. Anxiety attacks were directly related to my failing 1st marriage. My other emotional issues, which a lot of people suffer from are from all the various issues in my life, including being transgender.
Accepting my being transgender has not made any of them go away. But it has helped immensely with being able to deal with them. I am now back on the wagon, in part because of my acceptance to being Transgender. Or perhaps having success on staying on might be better phrased.
Nearly 7 years ago when I was 1st dating my now wife, I was going through all of the same repeating deny repress patterns I had always done. My little secret I would take to my grave. No one knew, and I mean no one. No one would ever know. I wouldn't go into a woman's section of a store. If we were shopping, she would browse the woman's section, I would browse the men's, or go to another store. I did not want to go in there. I was afraid I would like it. I was afraid everyone would see right through me and the trans radar alarms would start screeching like a car alarm. My denial made me think that if I stay away from it all, I won't like it,, or start wanting it more.
I, like you Jayne, and so many others, wanted to be normal. I am a born male and just want to be nothing more. I tried everything imaginable to make it go away. I figured if I tried hard enough, or in the right manner, deny it, ignore it, I could successfully purge all this insanity from my brain and be and want only to be male. Every time I failed, a deeper feeling of failure grew within me. Sometimes I would go weeks, maybe even a few months without the random feelings. And I thought I had it beat. Then it would appear again, a picture in a magazine, seeing a woman dressed or just looking a particular way, and it would happen. I wanted to look like that. I wanted to be her. And the cycle would repeat again.
One of the things that kept my on that cycle IS that I still felt an identity to being male. I still do today, which is reason numero uno that I am not on a path to transition. Being transgender, as it was explained to me, does not mean a total cross over to the opposite gender of your birth. It just means at some point, there is a cross over.
Genderfluid is what I best describe myself as and identify as. Some call it dual gender. I have learned that there are ways in which it can actually help me in life. It can be confusing, and frustrating as all hell at times. But I have learned to use my feminine powers for good. In some ways, and even my wife has acknowledged, it has made me a better husband.
I have a better understanding of her than most husband have of their wives. I am able to empathize in ways most husbands struggle to, or can't. My wife always admires how I can say the right things that make her feel better. Things, not necessarily feminine, but just ways most guys don't, or can't. It is because I too feel those things that would make me feel better. It is almost an unfair advantage hehehe. I get what many guys don't.
In the end, it is all about acceptance. You are gender variant. Trans, or not trans, it doesn't really matter. There are many CDers out there who do not identify at any time as women, and proclaim they are not trans. Works for me. There are those out there who are trans, identify as TS, but their life for their circumstances puts them on a path which they will still live their lives as their assigned gender. works for me. All you really need to do, is accept that internally, there is a part of you at least that crossed the gender divide. It isn't easy, it takes pretty much a lifetime to fully accept yourself. I am still a work in progress of my own acceptance. I accept that I will always be on a path to my own acceptance. I don't know if it will take me farther down the road toward being a woman, or simply continue where I am and in a more comfortable state. I may be where I am supposed to be, as genderfluid. Or one day who knows. What I do know is that while it is a challenge, while it is frustrating as hell sometimes, I am at a better place now internally than ever before.
