There is no solution to this.....or maybe there is!

[jayne01]

Thats a pity I thought it might be a starting point...I have a friend in the Psych system in QLD who I will talk to and when I was looking for one myself I found a few in Sydney Brisbane...not sure if any of them were any good but will see if I can find the resources I used and will pass along anything I can find out.

Liz K

Hey Liz,

Thanks for that. I just want to be clear, the psychologists I am seeing now are very good, specialise in gender stuff and are really lovely people too. The only thing is they are psychologists not psychiatrists, so they are not MDs. I wouldn't hesitate to recommend them to anyone in need of help with gender stuff.

I just seem to be a unique kind of crazy, and if only an MD is authorised to give me any kind of diagnosis, then I'm willing to give it a try.

I don't want anybody jumping to any conclusions and think that my therapists are not up to the task, they just to have the letters MD after their name. As you can tell by the length of this thread, I am pretty screwed up between the ears, so I need all the help I can get.

[Sno]

Hiya,

I've done some googling, found an online resource called HealthKit (no affiliation), which has a psychiatrist called Dr Robert Wenden in Sydney CBD, who has on his listing that he expertise in gender issues. If nothing else, it's a name and a starting place.

There is also an organisation called mind care, which seems to employ a lot of professors in psychiatry from the local universities, and could also be worth calling...

Take care

Sno

[jayne01]

Hiya,

I've done some googling, found an online resource called HealthKit (no affiliation), which has a psychiatrist called Dr Robert Wenden in Sydney CBD, who has on his listing that he expertise in gender issues. If nothing else, it's a name and a starting place.

There is also an organisation called mind care, which seems to employ a lot of professors in psychiatry from the local universities, and could also be worth calling...

Take care

Sno

Hey Sno,

Thanks for that information.

[SadieBlake]

Jayne, i still think you need to stop thrashing these questions and that that's something that therapy can be good for. Also that seems like where you can learn how to better relate to your emotions.

Anyhow, for what it's worth as I'm contemplating letters in support of surgery, my psychiatrist isn't a specialist in gender and has asked me to arrange to also consult with someone who is. That will probably be a psychologist but I don't need a diagnosis, just an opinion on whether my somewhat non standard approach to 12 mo RLE will qualify me for the letters.

The path isn't the same for all people, I hope you can start to see that.

[jayne01]

Jayne, i still think you need to stop thrashing these questions and that that's something that therapy can be good for. Also that seems like where you can learn how to better relate to your emotions.

One of my psychologists is working on exactly that. It's not easy, most times, if there's any kind of connection to my emotions during the session, usually by the time I walk out into the street after the session, any connection I had is lost and I'm back to same ole me. It happens as quickly as flipping a switch, and I don't do it consciously, it just happens. Mind you, after my last session a couple of days ago, I did actually notice when this "switch" flipped. I never noticed it happening before that, it just happened. I suppose that is some kind of progress, even if it is at a painfully slow pace

Anyhow, for what it's worth as I'm contemplating letters in support of surgery, my psychiatrist isn't a specialist in gender and has asked me to arrange to also consult with someone who is. That will probably be a psychologist but I don't need a diagnosis, just an opinion on whether my somewhat non standard approach to 12 mo RLE will qualify me for the letters.

The path isn't the same for all people, I hope you can start to see that.

I wish you luck with getting whatever letters you may need and hope everything goes a smoothly as possible for you.

[SadieBlake]

That's great - progress in therapy - it's not easy but surely worth it.

[LizK]

Hey Liz,

Thanks for that. I just want to be clear, the psychologists I am seeing now are very good, specialise in gender stuff and are really lovely people too. The only thing is they are psychologists not psychiatrists, so they are not MDs. I wouldn't hesitate to recommend them to anyone in need of help with gender stuff.

I just seem to be a unique kind of crazy, and if only an MD is authorised to give me any kind of diagnosis, then I'm willing to give it a try.

I don't want anybody jumping to any conclusions and think that my therapists are not up to the task, they just to have the letters MD after their name. As you can tell by the length of this thread, I am pretty screwed up between the ears, so I need all the help I can get.

Jane I can relate to what you are saying. When my journey first started I was on another board and the number of posts I made about my doubts...one wanting to transition...the next screaming at myself I am just losing my mind...Knowing I am trans but not wanting to be and all the rest. This went on for a couple of months and then I began to understand Once I understood the process I needed to follow then I was able to focus on one part at a time. In South Australia you need to see one of only two Psychys who are able to give the "go ahead" that you are now ready for HRT and Surgery. Once I knew the path to take it made things much easier. I think once you get to speak to someone who can give you the right info you may find it easier to find your own path.

Regard Liz

[jayne01]

I saw both my therapists today. Last week I sent them both an email saying that today will be my final session. I had my mind set that u was going to stop therapy and try and put all this "nonsense" behind me. On my way to the appointments today I decided that I will just see how things go and make another appointment if I think it will help. They are both such lovely people and really are very good psychologists. I made appointments with both to see them again.

I think I had somewhat of a breakthrough today. During my first session today, I actually said out loud to my therapist that deep down I want to be a woman. That was so hard for me to actually get the words out. When I saw my other therapist an hour later, I wanted to say the words out loud again just to boost my confidence. It took the whole hour long session for me to built up the courage, but I did manage to get the words out again. I also asked her if she thinks I am transgender. I didn't want any legally binding official diagnosis, just her gut feeling. She told me "yes" in a way that convinced me she truly believes it and she also proceeded to explain why she thinks I am and gave me some examples of what she has observed in me. That was incredibly helpful for me to hear her give me her opinion.

I also decided to change my thinking a little. I have many time in the past said that "I am transgender" and then follow up with a whole bunch of reasons why it couldn't possibly be true. This time, rather than just tell myself that "I am transgender", (even though I heard it directly from my psychologist), I will just tell myself that there is very high probability that I am transgender. I figure that way my engineer brain cannot argue with that statement. By definition, for there to be a "probable" outcome, a series of facts are considered as well as an element of guessing. That reasoning seems to make sense to me, at least for now. I don't want to force myself to try and believe something that I am not fully ready to believe because as I have previously demonstrated, I end up putting up a great deal of resistance. Probably Trans works for me right now.

I realise what I just wrote is pretty much what most of you have been trying to tell me all along. Unless I can find a way to explain it to myself in my own way, then it just doesn't sink in.

It is true that I indeed have some kind of feeling deep inside that makes me want to be female. Maybe I can find some way to make peace with that without making any physical changes, or minimal change.

It really was a great help to hear my psychologist tell me that she really believes I am trans, and that all my behaviours are typical of a trans person who is struggling to come to terms with themselves.

[LizK]

I am so glad you are making what sounds like real progress. It is an absurdly difficult thing to come to terms with and you deserve some peace. You have hung in there for so long now.

I know for myself telling someone out loud can be incredibly intimidating but I also found it incredibly good for my psyche. You may not want to transition, you may well be happy enough in yourself just to know. But it is one of those kind of things to have to "try before you buy". The only real way to know what will make you happy and how far you need to go is to find somewhere safe and experiment as to what makes you happy...do you have Dysphoria? If so you may want to experiment with what you need to do to relieve it.

Good luck and I hope you can now keep moving forward

Liz

[jayne01]

Thanks Liz. This has all been so hard for me, but I don't need to tell anybody on here about difficulties with being trans.

I will certainly try to keep moving slowly forward without continuously making huge backwards steps.

[Amber42]

I am happy to hear about your progress.  I have been reading this thread and there are so many similarities I see.  I think when we get to a certain point, we somehow know the truth, but every fabric in our body is programmed to force us not to believe.  In my case, at 44, with wife, kids, career.  My common sense is constantly telling me that I am crazy to want to go down this path.  But that same common sense (also being an engineer) is telling me that it is the right thing to do. (I'm pre HRT, just starting the discovery process)

I have never been a selfish person, never treated myself to much.  Worked very hard for my family and friends.  But now there is this urge, more powerful than I could ever imagine that's pulling me in the direction of finally doing something for myself.

Someone posted this quote in another thread, so I won't take credit, but it really rang true for me.

- The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.


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[SadieBlake]

I think I had somewhat of a breakthrough today. During my first session today, I actually said out loud to my therapist that deep down I want to be a woman. That was so hard for me to actually get the words out. When I saw my other therapist an hour later, I wanted to say the words out loud again just to boost my confidence. It took the whole hour long session for me to built up the courage, but I did manage to get the words out again.

I so understand this Jayne - verbalizing the thing you've set aside for that long is maybe the hardest thing in the world to do

I also asked her if she thinks I am transgender. I didn't want any legally binding official diagnosis, just her gut feeling. She told me "yes" in a way that convinced me she truly believes it and she also proceeded to explain why she thinks I am and gave me some examples of what she has observed in me. That was incredibly helpful for me to hear her give me her opinion.

I also decided to change my thinking a little. I have many time in the past said that "I am transgender" and then follow up with a whole bunch of reasons why it couldn't possibly be true. This time, rather than just tell myself that "I am transgender", (even though I heard it directly from my psychologist), I will just tell myself that there is very high probability that I am transgender. I figure that way my engineer brain cannot argue with that statement.

I do something similar, for me now the conversation isn't so much "am I trans?" -- it use to be -- now it's "how can I be more happy as trans?" My decision to begin HRT wasn't an easy one, it took me 20 years to get there and I'm somewhat rushing into the question of surgery and I'm extremely uncomfortable with my choices right now.

I realise what I just wrote is pretty much what most of you have been trying to tell me all along. Unless I can find a way to explain it to myself in my own way, then it just doesn't sink in.
....

Which is an important truth. We have to do our own heavy lifting in this and my language isn't going to make sense for you -- until it does.

You should know that your thread here has helped me also, I said I'm extremely uncomfortable. I'm scared stiff of surgery - I've suffered a few profound injuries over the years and surgeries to repair them, I know how much pain is involved and I know there's no guarantee of what the outcome looks like.

You remind me of how much I have been and still am limited by my default of needing to solve problems, seeing every thing that happens as an opportunity looking for a solution and how yes being good at that is a powerful tool but not an unlimited one.

[zirconia]

Jayne,

It must have been a relief to hear your therapist voice her observations. I'm glad to hear you seem to have found a way to word your own in a way that doesn't automatically trigger as much resistance. That "probably" can really make a difference.

While I don't write very often I do follow this thread closely, and sincerely hope you can find the peace you need.

[Gendermutt]

Your therapist has likely had that thought of you being transgender since your 1st visit, or at least the 1st time you mentioned anything cross gender related.  They were waiting for you to be able to come to terms with it yourself.  Now, your therapist will likely be more helpful for you. As for making any changes or altering your life, and to what extent if any, that is up to you. Being transgender doesn't have any qualifiers, or pre requisite. Your 1st real step forward has been made. There will likely be times you will still feel like pulling back, and really, that is fine too. Eventually you will find the place you need to be, wherever that is.

[Sno]

Wow. Big day for you

Now the journey begins to make peace with that - we're here for you every step of the way

Sno

[jayne01]

I am so grateful for the support you have all given me. I know at times I must have sounded like a child having a tantrum. In all my posts, everything I wrote is what I believed to be true (at the time).

What is true as I see it now is that there is definitely a part of me that feels female. I don't know how big that part of me is, and I won't try to define it by saying I am x% or y% female. Right now it is an unknown percentage. If I just give it some time to sink in, then I might be less inclined to do another complete backflip and go back into full denial mode. What is also true, as most of you have been saying all along, is that by acknowledging that I am (probably) trans does not mean I have to go out and do a full transition. Maybe just acknowledging the very likely probability without constantly trying to fight it might be enough. By the way, this last paragraph I wrote more for my own benefit than anything else.

Thank you all for your help. Everything you have all posted here makes more sense to me now than it did before.

Jayne

[LizK]

 

[Gertrude]

I saw both my therapists today. Last week I sent them both an email saying that today will be my final session. I had my mind set that u was going to stop therapy and try and put all this "nonsense" behind me. On my way to the appointments today I decided that I will just see how things go and make another appointment if I think it will help. They are both such lovely people and really are very good psychologists. I made appointments with both to see them again.

I think I had somewhat of a breakthrough today. During my first session today, I actually said out loud to my therapist that deep down I want to be a woman. That was so hard for me to actually get the words out. When I saw my other therapist an hour later, I wanted to say the words out loud again just to boost my confidence. It took the whole hour long session for me to built up the courage, but I did manage to get the words out again. I also asked her if she thinks I am transgender. I didn't want any legally binding official diagnosis, just her gut feeling. She told me "yes" in a way that convinced me she truly believes it and she also proceeded to explain why she thinks I am and gave me some examples of what she has observed in me. That was incredibly helpful for me to hear her give me her opinion.

I also decided to change my thinking a little. I have many time in the past said that "I am transgender" and then follow up with a whole bunch of reasons why it couldn't possibly be true. This time, rather than just tell myself that "I am transgender", (even though I heard it directly from my psychologist), I will just tell myself that there is very high probability that I am transgender. I figure that way my engineer brain cannot argue with that statement. By definition, for there to be a "probable" outcome, a series of facts are considered as well as an element of guessing. That reasoning seems to make sense to me, at least for now. I don't want to force myself to try and believe something that I am not fully ready to believe because as I have previously demonstrated, I end up putting up a great deal of resistance. Probably Trans works for me right now.

I realise what I just wrote is pretty much what most of you have been trying to tell me all along. Unless I can find a way to explain it to myself in my own way, then it just doesn't sink in.

It is true that I indeed have some kind of feeling deep inside that makes me want to be female. Maybe I can find some way to make peace with that without making any physical changes, or minimal change.

It really was a great help to hear my psychologist tell me that she really believes I am trans, and that all my behaviours are typical of a trans person who is struggling to come to terms with themselves.

Sounds like a catharsis. Thats good. Admitting who you are to yourself is the first step. As someone that's aspie and trans, I understand the reticence to a degree but you fought it tooth and nail. You must feel a lot better.


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[jayne01]

Sounds like a catharsis. Thats good. Admitting who you are to yourself is the first step. As someone that's aspie and trans, I understand the reticence to a degree but you fought it tooth and nail. You must feel a lot better.


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Yes, I do feel much better. I am being careful and trying not to think too far ahead into the future and just go day to day for the moment. I think that may have been my downfall with past attempts at trying to accept myself. I would end up thinking of endless scenarios of how being trans would ruin my life that I ended back up in full denial. This time, I am making an effort to keep a very short leash on my brain. I really want to make it more than a week without going into denial. A week is the longest I have ever gone. If I make it past the week, then I will be more confident to give myself permission to just be happy being me.

I am going to try wearing women's clothes again, but nothing too girly. My wife is helping me pick out some women's jeans and yesterday we picked out a nice top for me to wear. I am probably only one size bigger than my wife, and she told me I can try her jeans on to get an idea about sizing. Yesterday we also bought a necklace for me to wear. It is only simple, and any guy could get away with wearing it, but it's a big deal for me. The only jewellery I have ever worn is my wedding ring. My wife said that I should get some kind of pendant to hang off the necklace. We are going to have a look today. I am so incredibly lucky to be married to such an incredible person. She loves "me!", and doesn't care what packaging I come wrapped in. Words cannot express how deeply I love my wife.

It feels really good to start accepting that I am who I am and not trying to beat myself up over it. I won't start celebrating yet, until I at least get past that one week mark. Baby steps.....

[Gertrude]

Yes, I do feel much better. I am being careful and trying not to think too far ahead into the future and just go day to day for the moment. I think that may have been my downfall with past attempts at trying to accept myself. I would end up thinking of endless scenarios of how being trans would ruin my life that I ended back up in full denial. This time, I am making an effort to keep a very short leash on my brain. I really want to make it more than a week without going into denial. A week is the longest I have ever gone. If I make it past the week, then I will be more confident to give myself permission to just be happy being me.

I am going to try wearing women's clothes again, but nothing too girly. My wife is helping me pick out some women's jeans and yesterday we picked out a nice top for me to wear. I am probably only one size bigger than my wife, and she told me I can try her jeans on to get an idea about sizing. Yesterday we also bought a necklace for me to wear. It is only simple, and any guy could get away with wearing it, but it's a big deal for me. The only jewellery I have ever worn is my wedding ring. My wife said that I should get some kind of pendant to hang off the necklace. We are going to have a look today. I am so incredibly lucky to be married to such an incredible person. She loves "me!", and doesn't care what packaging I come wrapped in. Words cannot express how deeply I love my wife.

It feels really good to start accepting that I am who I am and not trying to beat myself up over it. I won't start celebrating yet, until I at least get past that one week mark. Baby steps.....

You're fortunate to have such a accepting spouse and one whose size is close to yours. theres an old saying, if it walks like duck, talks like a duck and quacks like a duck, its a duck, or, just apply occam's razor. I don't think the problem was one of logic, but of social consequences. Fear is a lot stronger than logic. Glad to read that you're moving ahead.


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