Ok, I might use the words cissexism and cis normativity in this post, so let me first say what they mean, just in case someone hasn't heard of them.
Cissexism is the belief cis people are superior and standard, and that trans people are wrong or not real. It's not as hostile and as explicit as transphobia, but it can be the cause of subtly hostile behavior, for example saying that people with vaginas are all women and that people with penises are all men, that only women have periods or get pregnant, and other similar words/assumptions.
I'm really, really tired of seeing trans identities being erased and/or invalidated by everyday cissexismand cis normativity. I'm tired of seeing my identity explicitly denied or made invisible. I'm tired of the fact trans people seem to be so invisible sometimes, or, if someone acknowledges our existence, they call us "freaks" or "mentally ill", or "confused" or other bad terms.
When people misgender us, for example, they might defend themselves saying we're the wrong ones who can't accept our bodies, so we're the ones with an issue, not them. But would they say the same thing to someone who's physically disabled? Sometimes I consider my transsexualism as some kind of disability. It prevents me from doing all the things "normal" people do. It prevents me from wearing certain things, it prevents me from going certain places, sometimes I even avoid going to public restrooms.
I believe transsexualism to be a medical problem (not disease though! Mind you! I say problem because it affects us negatively on a personal level). It was proven it's not a mental illness, yet people keep calling us crazy. How does it make me feel? Horrible. Invalidated. Denied.
Let me ask for help here, because I find this place safe for me, for obvious reasons.
I don't declare war on cis people, but sometimes I get mad at them as a group, not at specific cis people (many of them are
wonderful human beings, and I know huge cis supporters of the trans community), but at the whole group, in general. I know it's not something good to generalize like this, but please understand how I feel when most people deny my existence or explicitly invalidate it - and those people are all cis. A majority oppressing a minority. Classic human behavior.
Let me talk about a specific example. When I'm in a group and someone says "oh, we're all women here" and I'm there with them, it bothers me so much and it triggers me all kinds of dysphoric feelings: social dysphoria, physical dysphoria, anger, depression....things I struggle with everyday now. Because it's been more than 20 years being stuck with this body and it's starting to make me feel desperate and hopeless.
I don't understand why some people feel this overwhelming impulse to say things like "we're all women here" or something like that when in groups. It happens to me, it just happened today, a few hours ago. I wanted to scream "No, I'm not a woman, so you have a guy here!". I am pre-everything, I still have a completely female body, but seriously, this doesn't make me a woman. I wish cis people would understand! Body parts don't make us men or women, they don't even make us male or female since sex, just like gender isn't binary - we can have many combinations in only 1 body...hormone levels, genitalia, etc. so what do we pick to determine someone's sex, especially when they are transitioning? See what I mean by saying sex is not always so defined and not always binary? (not to mention intersex people, they are another example of how sex is not binary).
Calling someone a woman or a man just because of their body parts implies their gender identity and their sex are the same and align perfectly. It bothers me to no end when people automatically assume I am a woman just because I have a feminine name on my ID and I don't have a penis or a beard. I'm still a man, sure I still need to transition and stuff in order to feel good and more complete, but do my body parts really matter more than what's in my head? Really? Is this so important to cis people, my body, my genitalia? More than my personality and real gender identity?? Sigh.
My gender presentation is blatantly male/masculine. While I'm not a macho type of guy, my mannerisms are masculine. It amazes me how people still call me a woman and are so confident about it. When they see me dressing in blatantly male clothes, and having manly mannerisms!
Trans erasure is so strong and deep-rooted in our society that people are completely wrapped in their wrong opinions and assumptions and won't accept to change them or even just challenge them. Assuming someone's gender is wrong. Always. Example: if I see someone whose ID says male, but has a clear feminine presentation, I think there are very high chances that person is trans. Same thing in the reverse case,female ID and masculine presentation. It has never happened to me in person, but if something like that happens someday, it would be normal for me to ask what gender they are (if they have one) and what pronouns I should use to refer to them. I know there are cis gay people who might "look trans" (very effeminate guys, butch lesbians, etc.) this is why I'd just always ask if I was so unsure. I'm aware of trans people....maybe because I'm one? Sure, but it's also common sense. Trans people exist, whether cis people want it or not
I am also aware that trans people who are completely in the closet exist, so a trans woman might dress like a man and a trans man might dress like a woman, because they're completely in the closet and don't want to look "suspicious", but a simple pronoun correction or something like that can make things clear. But I'm careful about this stuff because I'm trans and I am aware of all of this. Asking someone's gender, especially when we are unsure would be a huge step towards trans friendliness! It shouldn't be weird or wrong!
Cis people take their gender for granted though, so they don't think about all these things that are pretty basic to me. And just how they take their own gender for granted, they also take everyone else's gender for granted. Still, I don't feel like excusing them completely. If we excuse them all the time and justify their ignorance, we hurt ourselves and our community. We should educate the ones who are open-minded enough to challenge
cis normativity. Cis normativity hurts us trans people.
The casual everyday cissexism and cis normativity hurt me in terrible ways. It invalidates me or even denies my existence. When people say vagina = woman, they are invalidating me, calling me a woman, thus misgendering me and they do this to all the other trans men, especially the ones without a bottom surgery. Not to mention when they say XX chromosomes = woman. It's even worse because we can't change our chromosomes, so we'll always be women to ignorant people like that
No, I don't want everyone to accept me. But do you understand when I say it triggers all the negative feelings, and even self-hatred sometimes? When today they said "we're all women here" (it was a group therapy session) they made me feel invisible, denied, they made me feel fake too. It wasn't intentional, but it's a sign of how deep-rooted cis normativity is. I have a feminine name on my documents, so I'm a woman, right? WRONG. Still, I don't want to out myself to all the people there - so if it means accepting this to hide my true self and be protected, then fine.
I should probably talk to my therapist about it in private, though. No, she's not a gender therapist (there are no gender therapists in my area), but she sounds like a good, non-judgmental and open-minded therapist. I guess I should tell her the way certain things make me feel in my everyday life. I should tell her I'm trans, I should talk about all my trans-related issues, because I'm seeing her to understand my depression, and a huge part of my issues directly come from being a pre-everything trans guy. What do you think?
Sorry if it's a long post, sorry if there are grammar mistakes, I typed fast, it was a rant that originated from deep pain. I desperately need help to deal with all of this.
