I'm a lost kid with severe social and physical dysphoria

[MisterQueer]

I sincerely apologize in advance. This post will probably be very long and full of your stereotypical teen angst, but I've tried to narrow it down to as few words as possible. I'm also not sure if I placed this in the correct sub-forum. I just really need help.

To give you some background information, I'm a 15 year old FtM and I'm just about to finish my freshman year of high school. I live in a rural anti-LGBT area, where mostly everyone is conservative & religious, including my own family (immediate and extended). I discovered I "wasn't cis" around 2 years ago, and FtM around late-summer 2015.

For now, I'll just refer to myself as MQ.

The only person (in my family) who knows I'm trans is my mother. The coming out went horribly, and she doesn't think I'm really trans. She thinks I'm doing it for "social justice" reasons and I struggled with the idea of that for many months until late February, when I accepted that I was, in fact, an actual FtM. She has not been supportive of me. Her horrible reaction has discouraged me from telling other people in my family. Regardless of her reaction, I'm sure I wouldn't come out to my family anyways.

I asked my brother his opinion on transgender people one day, and in short words, he said, "(T-word)s are disgusting freaks." He actually ranted about how he thought transgender people were absolutely gross and made him want to gag for about five minutes, to the point where I was on the verge of a panic attack. I had to make an excuse to leave and calm myself down. Another example would be my father, where I walked down the stairs one morning to find him reading the paper and saying, "Wow, I can't believe they let a transgender in the same bathroom with people who are real girls, like MQ."

I've ultimately decided that it won't be safe to transition until after I finish high school. I mean, I have to blend in for my own survival. The only two openly gay guys that were at my school have been jumped several times just because of their sexuality. It got so bad for them, they both had to be transferred to different schools so that they wouldn't face any violence.

Even though I try my best to fit in, I still stick out. I have a very "butch" voice, I dress very "butch", and yada-yada. I've been accused of being a lesbian several times. I'm so used to hearing, "MQ, are you a lesbian?" that I might as well just tune the question out. (For the record, I am not sexually attracted to women at all. I have only been attracted to men for as long as I can remember, and I highly doubt it will change.) Girls stay away from me in locker rooms so I don't "check them out". It's not just at school, either. It's also at home. I am constantly accused of being a lesbian to the point where it makes me want to rip my hair out. I'm constantly accused of being in a relationship with my best friend, too. When she's over, my parents have to "check on us" way too often to "make sure we're alright", despite the fact that we're both 15. I know they just want to see if I'm actually in a relationship with her, even though I reassured them numerous times that I'm not.

The whole "you're a lesbian" accusations have gotten so bad I just want to come out as a lesbian, even though I'm not. I just want it to stop. Sometimes I think that it would be easier to just come out as a lesbian then come out as trans, because it will help people understand better. For some reason, people can't comprehend that a transgender man can like guys.

Unfortunately, the lesbian accusations aren't the only reason I stick out. This is where my physical dysphoria kicks in. I have huge breasts, like DDs or Es, somewhere along there.  (Please note I'm not overweight. I'm 5'3 and 110 lbs, and they've always been big. The women on my dad's side ALWAYS had big boobs, and exercise would do little to help. Trust me, I've tried.) I started developing breasts in 2011 and have had issues with them ever since, so it's been around five years by now.

The girls at school who assume I'm not a lesbian sometimes comment on my breasts, saying how they wish they could have boobs like mine. I've also gotten "compliments" from some guys too. Their comments really trigger my dysphoria, and I want to curl up and cry knowing I can't get rid of my breasts right now. They're literal weights on my chest. They feel like tumors. And what hurts me the most about all of this is knowing I won't get top surgery for at least four years. I can't buy a binder, I've tried layering sports bras, but they only made my chest look smaller. Running also triggers my dysphoria, for obvious reasons, which sucks because I have gym class every damn day.

Sorry if this sounds rant-ish. But I'm just in a ->-bleeped-<-ty situation right now. My mother isn't supportive, my family is severely transphobic, I'd probably be jumped or raped if I was openly trans, and I feel like I'm suffocating from my breasts and overall being born female. Everyday I stress out thinking, "I should have been born a cis boy." But knowing I will never be a cis guy and having to suffer through this makes it worse. I've considered asking my mother to take me to therapy to make me into a cis girl, but I know in the back of my head that reparative therapy is psychologically damaging and won't help me. I want to believe it'll fix me even though it won't.

I'm stuck. I have to wait until after I graduate high school to transition; I graduate in 2019. I don't know how I'll wait three more years, it feels so long. I'm alone, I only have my best friend, but even then she doesn't understand the struggle of being trans. What I really need right now is an older trans-brother figure who has had the experience with waiting. Even though I know it shouldn't shove people's transitions into one box, it seems like the stereotypical story is that a guy comes out at 16 and gets on hormones 6 months to a year later, and his family is all happy and supportive of him and stuff. I don't have that kind of family. I feel like I'm fighting a war without a shield, and the only escape I have is the internet; the closest LGBT center is 60 miles away.

I'm so, so, scared. I know that if I have one slip-up about being trans, I'll unleash hell upon myself. I'm scared I'll end up killing myself or hurting myself (or hurt by others) to the point where I end up in a hospital. I don't want to hurt or kill myself right now, but I have an awful feeling it will escalate to that point.

I don't know what advice you guys can give me, but holding on is so hard. Hell, I don't even care about transitioning right now. Right now, all I want is the love and support of my family, but I know they just won't give me that. I just wan't this all to end.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I went the other direction a long time ago but I understand what you are feeling. Attempts to suppress your feelings may work in the short therm but they will return even worst latter on. Some schools have consolers that you might talk with and you might consider bringing this up with your family doctor. Blockers would be the best thing for you at the moment but you would need therapy from a gender therapist which I understand would be out of the question at the moment.

The guys would be more that willing to talk with you but they mostly hang out in the FTM section so your posts will get more responses in that area. In addition, we can provide you with any information you need to understand yourself or that might be needed to educate your family. We have a Significant Others section for family or anybody close to you where we will help them understand what you are going through and your needs. As for you, there is a youth section were you can share with others in your age group.

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[AnxietyDisord3r]

MQ, so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I can definitely relate, although back in the 1990s there was nothing really out there in the culture about trans, and in the community I was in gay people were the butt of jokes. I guess I was lucky that I was able to come out as gay and have a community to belong to (I waited until I matriculated at college to tell my mother, who reacted badly, as I had predicted).

It sounds like you've done an analysis of the community and concluded that you need to stay in the closet for your safety. Nothing wrong with that. It does seem like you need some sort of support network that you're lacking now.

Are their no trustable adults at the school or perhaps a pediatrician or something like that? All of these folks can potentially feed info back to your parents but some people who work with teens are cool and some suck, and you can usually tell which they are by talking to them because the former treat you like a human being who matters and the latter can't really conceal their contempt.

When I was underage, I couldn't find a GLBT support group at that time, because everything was adults only (which was not that long ago). They were afraid of being charged with a crime for helping minors. There should be all ages or child/teen focused GLBT or trans-specific groups now. I just found out my rural county has an all ages trans and family support group.

I think you definitely need to reach out to safe spaces on the internet. Stay open for that person in your community who might be supportive but don't put yourself at risk.

Have you considered asking your mom to go to therapy for something like anxiety? Seems like you are having difficulties coping and this could help you cope with your condition (read: social situation) without transition. Your mom might actually jump on this option.

Be aware of your mental state. It is easy to become depressed in this situation, and a good cognitive behavioral therapist can help you manage and fight back against this condition. Avoid a psychiatrist who just wants to prescribe pills--your problem is based on your situation, not underlying brain chemistry, and you NEED talk therapy.

One thing you can do online without a therapist is work on mindfulness meditation and awareness training. This is an evidence based approach which is based in part on Eastern meditative practices. You start with small stuff like being aware of your breathing or aware of your body, and move up to being aware of your thoughts. I had to be pre-op for a long time and I think it helped me with accepting my body. It also helped me understand my thoughts more (they seemed like a scary place) so I was better equipped when I finally started to transition. It's also proven to change your brain to being more open and positive.

My condolences on the chest tumors ... they suck. People act so weird and nasty if they're too big for your age. One of my best friends in HS, cis, was saving up for breast reduction after years of being "The 14 year old fourth grader" and having back pain, etc.

I had to give up on binding but at least I was older to where creepy old guys weren't macking on me anymore, something that used to make me very upset.

One more thought, it might be good to focus on academics or get involved in a time suck after school activity so you don't have much time to ruminate.

In high school I was constantly thinking about my exit. I didn't hate school, but I had a bad family situation. Sometimes it was a fantasy exit, like being beamed up by the USS Enterprise D, sometimes it was a concrete plan. Having a concrete plan will help you cope. If there's any way you can get a free ride to your state school, that way your parents can't cut you off b/c you're transitioning. However, if your state school isn't an option, maybe a move to somewhere with a good community college where you can do a 18 mo or 24 mo program and get a decent job. OR, ever considered becoming an electrician or another craft? Contact your local labor hiring hall and see if they have any programs for high school students. A lot of school systems have dropped this but I know IBEW for example runs their own schools. There's nothing like leaving HS with a J-O-B. Kiss my patootie, controlling parents. Shout out here, my regional IBEW has an activist who's an out trans woman.

[MisterQueer]

Have you considered asking your mom to go to therapy for something like anxiety? Seems like you are having difficulties coping and this could help you cope with your condition (read: social situation) without transition. Your mom might actually jump on this option.

Never thought I'd add more to the post than I already did, but I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and depression in 2011, shortly after hitting puberty.

Avoid a psychiatrist who just wants to prescribe pills--your problem is based on your situation, not underlying brain chemistry, and you NEED talk therapy.

Soon after being diagnosed, I was put on this thing Citalopram. The milligrams ranged throughout the years. I took it Dec. 2011 - Jul. 2015. The only reason I stopped taking it was because I had enough and pretended to take it but I was really going cold turkey. Once my mom found out she decided it was too late to try and get me back on. Neither my doctor or psychiatrist know I'm trans. I'm too scared to tell them. I've been seeing my psychiatrist for 4 1/2 years and my doctor ever since I was an infant. I'm pretty sure my doctor will just say I'm a "confused gay" then end it there. Both of them have constantly been pressuring my mom to put me back on the Citalopram. I want a new doctor and psychiatrist, and I've told my mom about this, but she doesn't want me to. I don't have a choice.

I've had around 5 therapists since 2011. Nothing's really been effective. My mom is looking for another one right now, and I don't want her to. I don't want to open up to people, not after what happened between me and my mom when I came out. She'll probably make me go to a therapist regardless, like I said, I don't have a choice.

The only positive thing I can think of from this situation is that I looked it up and reparative therapy is illegal in my state.

Are their no trustable adults at the school or perhaps a pediatrician or something like that?

That's the thing; I have no clue who I can trust and who I can't trust. Ever since my mom lashed out at me when I came out, I've ultimately decided that I can't trust anyone. Irrational, I know, but the event has really left a traumatizing mark in my brain.

There should be all ages or child/teen focused GLBT or trans-specific groups now.

Oh, definitely. Everything's just too far away. There's no GSA or anything trans-related here. I've looked up and down. And joining a group kind of makes me panic, even though it shouldn't. I've always had social problems.

[warlockmaker]

It was very difficult for me when I used to have dysphoria. But I found that if I immersed myself in activities that it would distract me. I focused on academics and  sports. In sports I did triathlons and horses. Both  of these took up much of my spare time and let me live a normal life until I  was ready to be who I am. My wait was a long time but I have zero regrets ...I have children and fufilled my family obligations .  My turn finally came and I have total acceptance. I have found peace with no regrets.

[Elis]

Is it possible that you can find a therapist who specialises in seeing trans patients? If so you could try not telling your mum what she specialises in and just go ahead and make the appointment.
Sorry you're going through this. My dad said some really hateful things after coming out as well. I actually had to text him a few times to correct the things he said and to ask him to stop misgender me. It's a gradual process to get parents to at least be ok with.
I actually knew I was trans when I was 19 but I didn't properly come out and do something about it until 21. The wait was excruciating and ruined my mental health but years went by quickly and I'm finally on the other side.
You can do this

[MisterQueer]

Is it possible that you can find a therapist who specialises in seeing trans patients? If so you could try not telling your mum what she specialises in and just go ahead and make the appointment.

Wow, I've never thought of that. Thanks. And after a few minutes of research I found out that there is around 12 that who adress trans issues, but none of them specialize in it. I mean, I could try the therapist regardless, as some of them specialize in anxiety disorders and that is also a problem for me. One thing that bothers me though is that since I am under 18, the therapist has to report back to my mother. Or, has a right to. Something along those lines, I'm not completely sure. And my mom will probably look deeper into the therapist before booking the appointment since I'm the one choosing it. Like she would want to make sure I'd make the right choice. I don't think she would want me to see a therapist to "push the trans" on me, and I don't even want to think of what would happen if she found out.

[Elis]

Wow, I've never thought of that. Thanks. And after a few minutes of research I found out that there is around 12 that who adress trans issues, but none of them specialize in it. I mean, I could try the therapist regardless, as some of them specialize in anxiety disorders and that is also a problem for me. One thing that bothers me though is that since I am under 18, the therapist has to report back to my mother. Or, has a right to. Something along those lines, I'm not completely sure. And my mom will probably look deeper into the therapist before booking the appointment since I'm the one choosing it. Like she would want to make sure I'd make the right choice. I don't think she would want me to see a therapist to "push the trans" on me, and I don't even want to think of what would happen if she found out.

I think you should see any therapist who at least has some experience with seeing trans patients; it's better than nothing. It seems completely unethical to me that a therapist would report back to your mother about what you talked about. They should only do that if you're at risk to yourself or other people. So make sure on the first therapy appointment it's clear that that's the protocol.
You could make the appointment and then tell her about it. It'll show you're independent and willing to stand up for yourself. Or you could try to persuade you're mum to see the therapist you want. She'll probably think the therapists job is to disuade you you're trans; not talk through your trans feelings and how to get your mum on side. Worth a try.
Let us know how it goes

[MisterQueer]

Let us know how it goes

When something happens, will do.

[LostnFoundBoy]

MQ, don't worry. You aren't alone.
When I was 15, I realized I was "different" too. I couldn't even announce those feelings to myself, though. I'm proud of you for recognizing who you feel you are.
Religion is a tragedy in some cases. Unfortunately, your family will use religion as a weapon to hurt you internally for who you really are. I understand the lonliness you must be in. But you are not alone.
Take small steps without them to bettering yourself for now. I agree that a therapist who sees you as you see yourself is very important. I suggest you find a happy place that you can release your feelings. Don't give up on your future. It will be bright and worth it.