Figuring It Out

[LoveWithIn]

Hi!

  I would like to start by saying this site is an incredible website.  The community love and support is amazing! It is also inspiring. I am SO happy to have found this place to learn from all of you brave self empowered women...I am of course a bit nervous as I have wanted to reach out to people who would maybe understand what I have been going through, but have not found a place that felt right to do so. Till now.  I found susans.org tonight while trying to learn about what it is like to start estrogen medication therapy. 

I am in my early to mid thirties. Have lived as a cis male my whole life.  I never was very masculine.  Instead often choosing to, quite embarrassingly so, try to act with a masculine persona poorly trying to imitate the way I thought men acted. 

Most my life I have dealt with lots of depression and self hatred.  Since very young like 10 years old.  I just felt like I don't belong.  Always nervous and uncomfortable in my own skin.  I have been trying to figure out the root of the depression that has surfaced and resurfaced again and again so consistently throughout my life.  I have played with the idea that I may be more female than male a number of times. Only to let the idea go out of fear and a mentality of thinking only other special people get to explore that side themselves and Im just not allowed to.  But the idea keeps coming back and this time it has hit me stronger than ever before. Which has lead me to want to learn more in depth what is involved what would be the right transition for me.

So I have been reading accounts from people on this website and others...And wow...There are a number of aspects I can really relate to.  Especially reading about experiences of what people have found after starting estrogen.  The things they described made me really excited!  What they describe sounds so much more natural to me, and the affects it had in helping women to be there true selves just felt like home to me.

More and more I have come to relate my penis to instead being more like a very large clitoris rather than a, um, well thrusting stick. hehe    I already feel so much more feminine than male as it is without taking anything.  I used to say when I was younger that I felt like a lesbian stuck in a mans body. That statement is starting to make more sense to me now. 

  So I don't know what this all means...Part of me wants to start taking estrogen right away!  But I should probably give this a little more thought.And read and learn more from all of you!  It does feels good to share this for this time..I would love to here from any of you that may have some insight or just want to say Hi!   Thanks for reading! =)

[Cindy]

Hi and welcome to posting your intro!


Lovely to see you and do have a good read of all the stuff here.

Sadly depression can be common among trans people, I hope you are OK dealing with it?

Of course a good way to proceed is to see a good therapist and start the conversation.  You are in your 30's so a young chick!

Where are you in the world? I'm in Australia.

To help you around the site please check out the following links for general site info...

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[V M]

Hi Love 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Josefa]

Glad you found Susan's Place it is a wonderful source of information and a true refuge.  I just found SP this last week and am no authority but I have started to see things differently and feel more at ease in my own skin. 

I too suffer from depression, according to my psychiatrist most likely all my life.  For me depression is like swimming underwater all the time without being able to surface for air. 

Do see a doctor for your depression.  Treating your depression will make all the other decisions easier and clearer in many respects.

Also I hope you'll return often, you never have to be alone again.  There is someone here 24/7/365 we are as close as your keyboard.

So glad you're here,

Josefa

[Jacqueline]

LoveWithIn,

Welcome. Your descriptions sound so very similar to much of my history as well.

I did not know what it was but felt uncomfortable in my skin and felt "other" and awkward for all my life. I could not put my finger on it till I turned 50 last year. I have been married for 25 years and have three teenage daughters.

I guess I questioned my gender through out the years. I just never really put my finger on it. However, I found some things I wrote about 15-20 years ago that I did not remember writing. It was a conversation with me. I brought the idea up clearly then and blocked it off till I found the paper last year.

I guess I had depression for years. I just thought it was normal and everyone felt that way.

I do remember at different points thinking that if I were a woman I would be a lesbian. I still did not add it all up till last year. I guess denial, shame and self loathing are pretty powerful allies.

I am not trying to make this about me. I more wanted to let you know, you are not alone.

Please feel free to reach out with questions or on PMs if you need to.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Michelle_P]

I think most of us have been soaking in cultural transphobia since we were born, and it runs pretty deep in ourselves.  That makes it pretty darn hard to shake, and hard for us to accept it in ourselves.  For me at least, it's a full time job just getting past it to really, deeply accept who I really am.  That's what I suspect is the root of my own depression and anxiety.

Yeah, deep down I'm afraid of myself.     OK, that sounds pretty stupid when I get right down to it, and I suppose I should just get over it.  If only it were that easy.  We've got each other, and I'm fortunate enough to have a good therapist and some family support.

Getting past this is a process.  It takes time to undo decades of damage, but I can keep my eye on the goal, and keep plugging along, I think.

[LoveWithIn]

Hi and welcome to posting your intro!


Lovely to see you and do have a good read of all the stuff here.

Sadly depression can be common among trans people, I hope you are OK dealing with it?

Of course a good way to proceed is to see a good therapist and start the conversation.  You are in your 30's so a young chick!

Where are you in the world? I'm in Australia.

To help you around the site please check out the following links for general site info...

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Hi Cindy! Thankyou for your warm welcome. =)  I live in the USA. How is life in Australia? It seems like a pretty progressive place from what little I know of it.  Haha I currently am not getting any help for depression. I have been to many phychs and have tried meds before with little avail.  Though I talked to a few phychs in the past about having attraction to the idea of being with a trans women, I had never spoken to them about myself being a female.  So that would be a new topic to start with.  I dont know when I can afford to find one again though...But it would probably be good! Thank you for asserting that I am still young. That is very sweet of you. Thankyou Cindy!

[LoveWithIn]

Hi Love 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hello V M! Hugs to you! Thankyou for your warm welcome!

[LoveWithIn]

Glad you found Susan's Place it is a wonderful source of information and a true refuge.  I just found SP this last week and am no authority but I have started to see things differently and feel more at ease in my own skin. 

I too suffer from depression, according to my psychiatrist most likely all my life.  For me depression is like swimming underwater all the time without being able to surface for air. 

Do see a doctor for your depression.  Treating your depression will make all the other decisions easier and clearer in many respects.

Also I hope you'll return often, you never have to be alone again.  There is someone here 24/7/365 we are as close as your keyboard.

So glad you're here,

Josefa

Hi Josefa. =)  Yes I feel the same, like drowning and unable to find air.  It is so troubling, and when it keeps happening over and over again it can be so hard to see what the point is of continuing on with life if this emotional torment is going to just keep coming back all the time...I hope therapy is helping you as well. Have you just started really exploring the female in you too or have you been working on this side of your self for awhile. 

Thank you for reassuring me that this is a safe place to continue to come to. I feel it..like a warmth in my heart. I am very grateful for the genuine, open, and caring people here already. Thankyou Josefa! =)

[Violets]

I think most of us have been soaking in cultural transphobia since we were born, and it runs pretty deep in ourselves.  That makes it pretty darn hard to shake, and hard for us to accept it in ourselves.  For me at least, it's a full time job just getting past it to really, deeply accept who I really am.
...
Getting past this is a process.  It takes time to undo decades of damage.

I think you've hit the nail on the head as to why so many of us struggle with accepting who we really are.

[LoveWithIn]

LoveWithIn,

Welcome. Your descriptions sound so very similar to much of my history as well.

I did not know what it was but felt uncomfortable in my skin and felt "other" and awkward for all my life. I could not put my finger on it till I turned 50 last year. I have been married for 25 years and have three teenage daughters.

I guess I questioned my gender through out the years. I just never really put my finger on it. However, I found some things I wrote about 15-20 years ago that I did not remember writing. It was a conversation with me. I brought the idea up clearly then and blocked it off till I found the paper last year.

I guess I had depression for years. I just thought it was normal and everyone felt that way.

I do remember at different points thinking that if I were a woman I would be a lesbian. I still did not add it all up till last year. I guess denial, shame and self loathing are pretty powerful allies.

I am not trying to make this about me. I more wanted to let you know, you are not alone.

Please feel free to reach out with questions or on PMs if you need to.

With warmth,

Joanna

Hello Joanna. Gosh it is just so sad how easy it is for us to dismiss those powerful moments that we have self realizations out of fear.  And then be able to forget about them until we cant again.  We torment ourselves so much in the name of fear.   

The thing with depression is that there are so many reasons people have it. It does seem to be normal!  But gosh questioning your own gender is just such a place that is so scary to consider, that we can so easily spend our entire lives looking for the cause of our sadness and give so little thought to this one possible root.  I am happy for you that you found what you wrote to yourself and were able to show yourself what you had known within for so long. That is interesting you have thought that about being a women and being a lesbian as well.  It is nice to know I'm not the only one who has thought that!

Thankyou for reaching out Joanna. I very much appreciate you sharing. =)

[LoveWithIn]

I think most of us have been soaking in cultural transphobia since we were born, and it runs pretty deep in ourselves.  That makes it pretty darn hard to shake, and hard for us to accept it in ourselves.  For me at least, it's a full time job just getting past it to really, deeply accept who I really am.  That's what I suspect is the root of my own depression and anxiety.

Yeah, deep down I'm afraid of myself.     OK, that sounds pretty stupid when I get right down to it, and I suppose I should just get over it.  If only it were that easy.  We've got each other, and I'm fortunate enough to have a good therapist and some family support.

Getting past this is a process.  It takes time to undo decades of damage, but I can keep my eye on the goal, and keep plugging along, I think.

Yes we have!!!! I always think back to the first time I saw the movie Ace Ventura pet detective. And at the end when he finds out the women who was not good was exposed and show  to have testicles. His reaction gut wrenching if I remember correctly dry heaving response to having been with her. Of course they made it a double negative with her being the villain of the movie as well as being trans and she was just made out to be awful in every way.  I didnt understand it totally when I first saw it, but as I grew up and learned more of the world I really started to ponder what movies like that have done to our phyches further solidifying how much we should take a issues and be repulsed by anyone who is trans.   

But WOW Michelle. Really I have to commend you for being able to admit thar you are afraid of your self. That simple statement makes you so incredible brave in my eyes.  It is empowering to know and accept that simple fact that so many folks in this world would never admit. 

I am happy you have some local support as well as on here. Thank you for sharing. =)

[Michelle_P]

It's not bravery.  It's something I have to do, for my own survival.  (And sorry!  On re-reading my post, that was darn near a hijacking of your thread.  My bad!)

I think many of us here understand why you'd be going through depression.  It is a normal response to the stresses we all put ourselves through in concealing our true selves, and building a false front to go along with our physical appearance in self-defense.  Recognizing your true nature, and finding your path forward is the first step to getting out from under that black cloud.

You've just stepped onto that path!  That act alone takes some serious inner strength.  Others in this place are in the same situation, or are a few steps further along that path and are happy to share their experiences and help you.

It isn't always easy, but you've found one of the good places for a little help and a friendly hand on the Internet.  Welcome!

[Josefa]

I hope therapy is helping you as well. Have you just started really exploring the female in you too or have you been working on this side of your self for awhile. 

My therapist retired so at the moment I am doing without. I am in the market and shopping for a new one now.  This, CD/TS has added a whole new wrinkle to life.  I made tons of progress when I was actively seeing my therapist.  That and anti-depressants.   I am also am a recovering addict/alcoholic.  I have been clean, no drugs or alcohol for almost 27 years.  So I have been dealing with lots of issues for a long time now.  I was clean for about 8 years before I started therapy.  A lot of things came to a head about that time.  I was also diagnosed with Hep. C at about 8 years into recovery as a result of my addictive lifestyle.  Addiction is the disease that keeps giving.  Anyway in about 1997 I started Hep. C. therapy, interferon for 48 weeks.  I responded to treatment while on interferon but a month or two afterwards it reared it ugly head, the dragon returned.  Six months  afterwards Interferon and Ribavirin were OKed for the market.  I started that treatment as soon as I could.  I was on the cocktail as they referred to it for another 48 weeks.  I responded again and it has been in remission since that time which I guess was about the year 2000.  YEAH! 

This and marital problems spurred me to into therapy and then I began anti-depressants after being in talk therapy for about a year. 

So what does this have to do with your question?  Well I guess I am still peeling that onion to use a metaphor.  CD/TS and my feminine side has resurfaced, in a much different light and I know it is healthier to deal with life before my ass catches fire.  I have also been dreaming as a woman might and my anima has been present in those dreams as either a guide or protector.  I have consciencely invited and hope she (my Anima) visits more often.  To answer your other part of the question,  I am brand new to this site and looking at cross-dressing and how it may apply to me.

Wow, I didn't know all that was going to flood out.  Thank you for priming my pump.

Hugz,

Josefa 

[Josefa]

Oh yes,  My avatar is as close as I have ever come to what my Anima looks like in my dreams.

hugz,


Josefa

[LoveWithIn]

It's not bravery.  It's something I have to do, for my own survival.  (And sorry!  On re-reading my post, that was darn near a hijacking of your thread.  My bad!)

I think many of us here understand why you'd be going through depression.  It is a normal response to the stresses we all put ourselves through in concealing our true selves, and building a false front to go along with our physical appearance in self-defense.  Recognizing your true nature, and finding your path forward is the first step to getting out from under that black cloud.

You've just stepped onto that path!  That act alone takes some serious inner strength.  Others in this place are in the same situation, or are a few steps further along that path and are happy to share their experiences and help you.

It isn't always easy, but you've found one of the good places for a little help and a friendly hand on the Internet.  Welcome!

No need to apologize Michelle. We are all here to grow and share together. I very much appreciate your insights and story! =)  Thank you very much for sharing!

[LoveWithIn]

My therapist retired so at the moment I am doing without. I am in the market and shopping for a new one now.  This, CD/TS has added a whole new wrinkle to life.  I made tons of progress when I was actively seeing my therapist.  That and anti-depressants.   I am also am a recovering addict/alcoholic.  I have been clean, no drugs or alcohol for almost 27 years.  So I have been dealing with lots of issues for a long time now.  I was clean for about 8 years before I started therapy.  A lot of things came to a head about that time.  I was also diagnosed with Hep. C at about 8 years into recovery as a result of my addictive lifestyle.  Addiction is the disease that keeps giving.  Anyway in about 1997 I started Hep. C. therapy, interferon for 48 weeks.  I responded to treatment while on interferon but a month or two afterwards it reared it ugly head, the dragon returned.  Six months  afterwards Interferon and Ribavirin were OKed for the market.  I started that treatment as soon as I could.  I was on the cocktail as they referred to it for another 48 weeks.  I responded again and it has been in remission since that time which I guess was about the year 2000.  YEAH! 

This and marital problems spurred me to into therapy and then I began anti-depressants after being in talk therapy for about a year. 

So what does this have to do with your question?  Well I guess I am still peeling that onion to use a metaphor.  CD/TS and my feminine side has resurfaced, in a much different light and I know it is healthier to deal with life before my ass catches fire.  I have also been dreaming as a woman might and my anima has been present in those dreams as either a guide or protector.  I have consciencely invited and hope she (my Anima) visits more often.  To answer your other part of the question,  I am brand new to this site and looking at cross-dressing and how it may apply to me.

Wow, I didn't know all that was going to flood out.  Thank you for priming my pump.

Hugz,

Josefa 

Josefa I am so sorry for what you have been through. It must have been such a roller coaster. Thank heavens your finding your way to remission!!! =D
I hope you are doing ok without your therapist..Have the anti depressants been helping? I am grateful that you have this guide helping you through this journey. How long has Anima been working with you?
Hugs!

[Josefa]

Love With In,

Yes, antidepressants have helped and allowed me to live mostly depression free. I still have to be vigilante in the fall when days get noticeable shorter.  Then I have to be sure and get outside and exercise and stay active. 

I started talk therapy in about the year 2000.  My therapist and I did dream therapy because I started dreaming more vividly and remembering them more.  At that time he helped me identify the lady, Anima, that keep showing up in my dreams.  She was there when I had questions or conflict in the dreams and seamed to help me through those situations.  At that time I didn't know any thing about Anima or Animus our unconscious archetypes.  When my therapist help me identify and recognize my feminine archetype I started looking for her and at times she appears in my dreams when I am in conflict and have certain decisions to make that I am hung up on.  It seems when I realize she has appeared in a dream it is like an old friend I trust is visiting and I know to pay more attention in my dream and embrace my feminine side then and more in my everyday conscience life.  The key is being able to remember my dreams, sometimes it is quite easy other times not so easy.

hugz,

Josefa     

[Rebecca]

So much heartache out there but hope remains.

Agree with the survival aspect my greatest fear since finding myself is losing me again.

I'll do whatever it takes, I'm not going to let myself die again.

Anyhoo,  back on topic once you have realised who and what you are everything else becomes clearer.

Hormones can be very subjective. To me they are literally a lifesaver but to others they can have more downs than ups.

Take no real stock in this but it has been said MTF HRT can effectively be used diagnostically as a sufferer of gender dysphoria will feel better whereas a "normal" person will begin to feel dysphoric.

[LoveWithIn]

Love With In,

Yes, antidepressants have helped and allowed me to live mostly depression free. I still have to be vigilante in the fall when days get noticeable shorter.  Then I have to be sure and get outside and exercise and stay active. 

I started talk therapy in about the year 2000.  My therapist and I did dream therapy because I started dreaming more vividly and remembering them more.  At that time he helped me identify the lady, Anima, that keep showing up in my dreams.  She was there when I had questions or conflict in the dreams and seamed to help me through those situations.  At that time I didn't know any thing about Anima or Animus our unconscious archetypes.  When my therapist help me identify and recognize my feminine archetype I started looking for her and at times she appears in my dreams when I am in conflict and have certain decisions to make that I am hung up on.  It seems when I realize she has appeared in a dream it is like an old friend I trust is visiting and I know to pay more attention in my dream and embrace my feminine side then and more in my everyday conscience life.  The key is being able to remember my dreams, sometimes it is quite easy other times not so easy.

hugz,

Josefa     

Excercise is so very important for staying positive. Cold showers are good too! They are invigorating and can help flip your funk. Have you ever tried tapping? AKA EFT or emotional freedom technique. Its a great way to talk to your self and release stored emotion. Its sort of like accupunture/therapy in one.

Do you think Anima is a guide from outside of your self like a spirit guide? Or do you think she is your higher self communicating with you in your dreams?  Having contact with her is such a gift ether way! Having an inner guide on this journey must be so helpful.  When I drink ayahuasca often times I will connect so very much with the feminine. So much so I imagine it is a taste of what HRT feel like after taking them awhile. That is the closest I have come to having a guided like experience. Though ayahuasca guides people in a lot of ways, it tends to make me really embrace my female side quit dramatically at times and I love it. =)

Hugs!