I feel like I just need to vent a little. I have wanted to be female since I was 10, and I came out of denial at the end of August. Since then I've done a lot of exploring of what exactly I am and I'm pretty certain that I want to transition. I'm finally in a place where this should be doable, but something is holding me back from doing anything to get started. I'm sure some of this is simple fear of the unknown and I just need a swift kick in the pants to move forwards, but if it isn't then proceeding could be a major problem. I think there are three main issues, but there may be more beneath the surface.
1) I'm doing very well at work. I recently started a new job which I love, and when I'm concentrated on a problem the dysphoria basically goes away and then I start to question why I'm even thinking about this, which can lead to a vicious cycle. Rationally speaking I think work would be the least of my worries, I'm a scientist at a government lab so while it may be awkward for a little while I'm not too scared about that. I'm also getting involved with a volunteer group that would let me get back into flying and the worst they could do is not renew my membership if they object, which they may not. I guess I'm just worried that I'm about to royally screw up my entire life just as I'm finally getting it to where I want it.
2) I haven't told anyone yet, including my family. I don't think I'd be disowned or anything, though I very muh doubt they'd be enthusiastic about it. It's more an issue of, I remember how distraught I was when I first started accepting that I was trans. All of the fear and anxiety attacks, and emotional swings. I just can't do that to people I love. I know that in the long run I have to, but there's been so many times where I've told myself I was going to tell them, then just sat and looked at the phone, unable to do it.
3) All of this questioning has me wondering what if anything I truly want out of life. A year ago I could have told you that I wanted to find a girl, get married and start a family asap. Now I'm realizing that a lot of that was more about hoping that being a husband and father would either "fix me" or at the very least put me in a position where I would be forced not to think about being female all of the time. A corollary to this is that when it comes to romance I'm not sure who if anyone I'm attracted to. I had originally felt like I would be a lesbian, I've always been attracted to women, and find the idea of being with a man romantically kind of off putting. But now I'm starting to wonder if what I was feeling was actual attraction, or if I just wanted their femininity for myself. I don't want to get into TMI territory here but I'm wondering if what I thought was arousal was really just me getting dysphoric and doing "something" to fix it quickly.
I'm not sure what to do here, I can't go back to suppressing this, it was killing me. But trying to work out your life's plans when you don't know what gender you'll be in a year or two is very difficult. Also I'm starting to become a bit of a recluse since going out of my apartment involves going into boy mode, and that's getting harder and harder when I don't have anything specifically scheduled.
I've found ending a post with a question usually gets me more responses, but I'm not sure what to put here. What question should I ask?
