Concerns of cutting ties with family

[EmilyRyan]

Alrighty so I have my mind made up that I need to cut ties with my family (mainly my parents) not only because they're unsupportive and prejudice toward anyone lgbt but also due to the fact I can't live up to their expectations and high hopes they have of me and it's creating most of the stress in my life.

But I do have some major concerns about making such a move. For one I can't deny that they still love me, even when I tried coming out and got some the worst backlash ever, and they done sooo much for me even as far as paying my college tuition so I could get my associates degree (which I got last year) and to leave them so suddenly would feel like a major betrayal like I would feel major horrible just leaving after all they have done for me.  How do I get past this?

The next concern I also have a hard time getting past is how my parents will react when they find out I left out of the blue. I know they're not gonna take it well and I'm concerned of the grief this will cause last thing I want to do is cause soo much grief and distress that my dad loses his job and loses his retirement and my mom ends up losing it to the point of possible suicide. I wish I can prevent this when I do move away. 

Overall despite my parents hard stance against me being trans and the high stress they put me with impossible expectations I still love them as they have chose to still love me it's that it's time for me to let go and move on I mean I can't keep living with them and having to depend on them but I also need to follow my own path (and trust I plan to keep it a good one).  Any advice about what I all talked about is much appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read.

[Dena]

I would suggest that you tell them your plans to leave but remain in contact with them. If not by phone, then maintain contact by Email. I would have suggested snail mail but I understand that your address will be moving around for a while so that really isn't a good option. With email you can take the time to think about your responses to their messages and prepare a proper response. Phone and Text require a response now and would remove the isolation you desire.

[EmilyRyan]

That is one thing I plan to do just as long they don't email negative messages

[EmilyRyan]

I'm afraid of the pain I'll cause my family by leaving I just hate to know I was responsible for destroying my family

[Laurie K]

I dont look at it a YOU destroying family.  Being trans is thing we must do for ourselves. their opinions are pushing you away. I believe  that until they can accept you for you the are the ones that need to be accountable.  Dont let them guilt you into turning back, be strong and be whou you are

[Dena]

This is where it gets adult. Everybody should leave the nest at some point in their life unless their function is to care for their family. What destroys the family is if you go into the world and make a mess out of your life. If you go out into the world and are a success, then the family is proud that they did their job well.

This is why I push you to have a plan to succeed when you leave or even if you stay. You want to show your family how well they did raising you instead of having you return a failure.

[EmilyRyan]

This is where it gets adult. Everybody should leave the nest at some point in their life unless their function is to care for their family. What destroys the family is if you go into the world and make a mess out of your life. If you go out into the world and are a success, then the family is proud that they did their job well.

This is why I push you to have a plan to succeed when you leave or even if you stay. You want to show your family how well they did raising you instead of having you return a failure.

Wish it were that easy to be successful for me I'm afraid it's not possible my current work record is preventing me from ever getting job and like I keep saying I don't meet any skill standards for current job market. Maybe employers in Washington are more generous.

[HappyMoni]

Emily,
Don't make yourself sick with guilt. They are adults. You are who you are. I would make clear to them that you are not rejecting them, but it is toxic for you to deal with their negativity. The space may actually do you all some good. Remember, you deserve happiness. Find people who will support you.
As a parent, you pay for things to help your child because you love them. You sound appreciative of what they did for you. That is all that they should expect from you. After that, the deal is, you get to live your own life.  Their love should be unconditional.
One question! How long have they known? Is it still fresh information to them?
Moni

[EmilyRyan]

Emily,
Don't make yourself sick with guilt. They are adults. You are who you are. I would make clear to them that you are not rejecting them, but it is toxic for you to deal with their negativity. The space may actually do you all some good. Remember, you deserve happiness. Find people who will support you.
As a parent, you pay for things to help your child because you love them. You sound appreciative of what they did for you. That is all that they should expect from you. After that, the deal is, you get to live your own life.  Their love should be unconditional.
One question! How long have they known? Is it still fresh information to them?
Moni

About my parents knowing that's a long and complicated story Last year in July I tried coming out to them only to get a very negative reception since they're very conservative and what not.  After their rejection I tried moving out once with a good friend only to make the mistake of letting my mom know that I'm ok and getting tracked down and forced to come home. At that point I pretended that I was "fixed" and still pretend as I write this. My parents to this day have gone on like nothing ever happened and I remain closeted. Luckily I still have my privacy and my friends are super supportive.

[Soli]

Emily,
Don't make yourself sick with guilt. They are adults. You are who you are. I would make clear to them that you are not rejecting them, but it is toxic for you to deal with their negativity. The space may actually do you all some good. Remember, you deserve happiness. Find people who will support you.
As a parent, you pay for things to help your child because you love them. You sound appreciative of what they did for you. That is all that they should expect from you. After that, the deal is, you get to live your own life.  Their love should be unconditional.

exactly, it's your life, they are adults, so are you, so...

The next concern I also have a hard time getting past is how my parents will react when they find out I left out of the blue. I know they're not gonna take it well and I'm concerned of the grief this will cause last thing I want to do is cause soo much grief and distress that my dad loses his job and loses his retirement and my mom ends up losing it to the point of possible suicide. I wish I can prevent this when I do move away. 

OMG  haha this escalates very quickly. A hurricane with that?

Now come on, Emily. Think about yourself, make good plans (and a plan B if possible just in case), live your life, the dark like the bright moments (enjoy them all) and let your parents live their life. You can't be all they expected you to be: they are not you, and you are not a character in a book they are writing. If they have a very hard time accepting you're trans, that's where you'll find out (after time maybe), that yes, their love is unconditional, even if you make a mess out of your life. Might take a little time, but... parents just want to avoid bad things to happen to their children, but it's your life, not theirs (I know I'm repeating but hey, that's important)

But plan, if you have a good plan and stick to it... should work, why not?

[HappyMoni]

About my parents knowing that's a long and complicated story Last year in July I tried coming out to them only to get a very negative reception since they're very conservative and what not.  After their rejection I tried moving out once with a good friend only to make the mistake of letting my mom know that I'm ok and getting tracked down and forced to come home. At that point I pretended that I was "fixed" and still pretend as I write this. My parents to this day have gone on like nothing ever happened and I remain closeted. Luckily I still have my privacy and my friends are super supportive.

Sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you may need to be on your own before you present your story again. I wouldn't give up on them long term though. It is possible they could come around to understanding at some point. Sounds like you have good friends. At some point, your life will be more molded by you and not the parents. Stay positive. I really think one of the really sucky things about being trans is having to be patient. Good luck!
Moni

[Olivia86]

Well it looks like they love you enough to drag you back home. Have you tried explaining how you felt? Stress is never good so just move because of that but still try to talk to them and explain to them how you have felt and what keeping it in has been doing to you at a distance. I'm sorry you're in a tough spot but it will get better. Good luck!

[EmilyRyan]

Yeah I have tried explaining but they just won't listen and dismissed it.

[HappyMoni]

They are probably in denial. Kind of the attitude of, "If we so no, or don't allow it, it won't happen." They have no clue that you have no choice in how you feel. When you establish yourself they will be faced with coming around to understand you or risk losing you. Hopefully, they will come around. You have to live your life. You deserve to be happy. Hope you get there Emily.
Moni

[EmilyRyan]

Thank you Moni

But unfortunately my parents are the type of never changing their ways and will do anything to stop me from transitioning as to why the need to cut ties as sad as that is to say.

Between the advice you and Soli have given I do indeed choose my own happiness for once and I'm more confident of making the move when the time comes. Chances are I'll be broke for the rest of my life since I'm unemployable but hey that's why Medicaid exists if you're in the right state like Washington and I'm willing to be poor for the rest of my life as long as I have my womanhood  

[Soli]

you are not unemployable, Emily. I think the West Coast will make you discover a new you.

Stay positive

:-)
Soli

[deecee]

you are not unemployable, Emily. I think the West Coast will make you discover a new you.

Stay positive

:-)
Soli

Exactly; don't sell yourself short!  There's more inside of you than you might think.  The fact that you have chosen to be your true self is a great start. 

[HappyMoni]

Exactly; don't sell yourself short!  There's more inside of you than you might think.  The fact that you have chosen to be your true self is a great start. 

I agree, if you say "I can't." or "It won't be possible." you can set yourself up for a self fulfilling prophecy. You have to believe you can do anything you put your mind to. I have to remind myself of this all the time. In my transition, I have done so many things I have been terrified of. I am much older than you, but I don't mind telling you I get pretty scared regularly. I could have done nothing if I had said, "Oh, I can't do that." It is amazing what being positive will do for you. It makes me feel good to hear you are starting to look toward your own happiness. way to go, Girl!
Moni

[EmilyRyan]

Awww ya are great

I can't guaranteed I will everyday but I will stay positive. I just can't wait for the day I'm ready to purchase a plane ticket to Seattle already have the money to but need to make some connections so I won't be homeless unless anybody can direct me to a really good lgbt shelter I could stay at till I'm on my feet.

[link5019]

Hey Emily! I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. This week for me has been a tough week. I've been dealing with my pretty unaccepting family since I came out and started. This week my parents outright stated to me that the only thing they really care about is if I am sterile or not. They don't really care about the changes I've had and they said they don't really want to ask me about the changes. They also keep stating it is likely they may never accept this. Bottom line is that it's a pretty high stress environment here. I know they love me, and I've even considered moving just out of the blue, but I care too much to really do that. Honestly there is a chance they might change, but if not, I would say make a plan, and try to stay in contact with them if you do move out. I would only say cut them out of your life if there is no other option because it is a pretty extreme path to take.