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On the verge of a mental collapse

Started by Jasper94, April 22, 2016, 05:17:50 AM

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Jasper94

I just don't know anymore. I have felt like I am a woman for so many many years. Now I wonder. Cuz like my last topic states when I am in female mode I am fine and happy. Tho at times I do not feel as femme I guess and I over drive myself to be. I either get a euphoria moment or a very anxious moment. Both I hate. What's worse I have been on hrt for many months now and all I ever see is how it makes people who are truly trans better. Not to be a downer because that is super but why am I feeling this way :'(?? Hrt was going super well for me too. I was super happy and content with myself but last Thursday I hit a mental road block. So yesterday I decided I am just a mess up and went back to living like a guy... A very femme guy. That made me depressed... Even tho I'm not living masculine at all which has helped. I hate male pronuons, facial hair ect and I cry and feel super empty when in guy mode. I spent rest of night in female mode and felt better, tho I think I got chest pains from this consistant back and forth. I don't know how to move one. I wana be a woman yet i feel like a fake, as a guy I feel sad and empty even in a feminine mode. I also got checked out for any mental illness.... Gots none. Please what do I do. I am sonlost and sad. The one thing that makes me happy i feel like a fake and o don't belong, the other no matter how femme I still get depression from it.. I could only imagine life as masculine and testosterone blazing and that is scary
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Jasper94

I should add the overall effects of estrogen I love. I feel more confident, or I did about my self. I love not having erections, or any sex drive really it has freed my mind to things I actually care about and yeah. Like I said I am a mess up in think. I get petrified even of the thought of having testosterone again
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Laura_7

Try to avoid a seesaw pattern and listen to your heart.

You can identify as woman without doing female stuff all of the time.

Its possible you are sensitive to others expectations ... I'd say try to do what you feel makes your heart sing.

I'd say try to check your levels with your endo...

many endos strive for estrogen above 200 pg/ml and testosterone below 60 ng/dl.
If levels of estrogen are in the menopausal range for example, below 80, it can affect mood.
So it might help if estrogen is high enough.
Some endos additionally add bioidentical progesterone to help with mood. People react different, so you might ask for it.

What anti androgen are you on ? People on androcur sometimes report deep depressions.

The route of intake also plays a role. With sublingual estrogen intake, levels rise fast and drop hours later.
It might make for a menopausl like effect, which might afffect mood.
So for example adding one patch for steady levels, or splitting the daily dose in a few small doses spread throughout the day might help.

Injections might be another form to consider ... many people on weekly injections for example report good results.

Just talk it all through with your endo.


*hugs*
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Jasper94

Thanks for the tips. I will put them to use for sure. And maybe I am a bit sensitive. It's just, well I still have facial hair that no matter how hard I conceal it someone can be seen somewhat. Plus no matter how hard I try my voice never sounds feminine. Just a gay guy voice is the best I can do, which I suppose is indeed an improvement. I just hate my current state. If I am not a woman, i dont think I am anything. And that's scary as can be, I can't go back to being a manly man. Even a femme man is hard for me and non binery sounds great.... But I get aad because just thinking like this makes me feel like I am saying a good by to my female self and transition and it makes me sad. I'm just so out of it
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Laura_7


I'd say try to sort it out over time.

Don't be self consious, do what you feel makes you happy.

For voice improvement you might train regularly, every evening, reading a book in a higher voice.
Not too high just higher. There will be a higher register after some time. It takes consistent training, not much, a few minutes every day, but consistent training... never overstrain your voice, just stop then ...
here are a few more hints:
http://www.nyspeechandvoicelab.net/transgender/voice-feminization/

You could try a more breathy voice. A good idea might be to try a few effects and record them, and listen to them. And recording the voice from time to time. If there is a consistent training over weeks there should be improvement.

*hugs*

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