When You Can't Defend Yourself

[KyleEdric]

I don't know how you guys feel whenever you find yourself in a situation that requires you to 'defend' your decisions in being trans with someone who is so obviously against it. The last time I found myself in a position to explain and help someone understand my decision, I threw random untrue answers while they interrogated me, and I ended up breaking down in tears. I was so stressed and overwhelmed by it, and I felt terrible that I couldn't explain myself in a way that would help them understand. My misfired answers and emotional state only re-enforced their idea that what I was going through was all in my head.

I know I'm going to find myself in that situation again one of these days, someone will act like they want to understand my point of view and I won't be able to defend myself properly. If I falter or look like I don't know what I'm saying, they're gonna jump all over me and pummel with with "ur just confused! You have an ILLNESS! FIND JESUS DX!!!!!"

I'm not looking to change anyone's mind, I just don't want to be verbally beaten into submission and find myself thinking that I AM making some kind of mistake. Harsh judgement does that to me. It erodes my sense of identity and self worth because I can't brush off comments like a mentally healthy person... My problem is I'm too damn sensitive.

Does anyone else have trouble defending themselves?

[FTMax]

I was the same way for a long time. Grad school got me a little bit out of my shell, in that I was constantly standing up and talking and taking questions from people about topics that I was supposed to be somewhat of an expert on. The biggest improvement probably came while I was a police officer. A lot of the training was designed to bolster you mentally. It was tough to go through, but it really improved my ability to do the job and to be more confident in general.

I've only ever been confronted in person twice about my transition. Both times my response was the same - "I don't have to justify anything to you. I don't make remarks about the choices you've made about your health, you can be respectful of the ones I've made, or we won't be speaking anymore."

[Emileeeee]

I tried to defend myself to several people. Most recently was a week or two ago. They never end well. It's like watching an atheist and religious person try to convince the other person that they're right. I think in the future, I'm going with releasing the amount of information I feel comfortable with and returning any opposition with a statement that the conversation is over. If they press more, then it becomes, "None of your business."

[Kylo]

The way I got over my sensitivity to other people's judgement of me was to observe people over time and realize that none of them are angels. None of them are automatically somehow more qualified in their opinions than you or me. And none of them know what they are talking about when they talk about what is 'best' for a different person like you or me. My insecurity stemmed from the fact I believed I was automatically deficient and all 'normal' people were somehow so much more knowledgeable than me and better at life than me. Which turns out to have been quite the opposite in many cases of people I've come to know.

I was pretty sensitive in my younger years. But I met people and I watched them and I got involved with them and I realized that other people were not above me. My self loathing disappeared, self esteem improved and now I really don't care what anyone says about me. Perspective did that for me.

If you want to make the problem go away, treat the root and not the symptoms. Find the root of your insecurity and feelings of inequity to other people.

[Michelle_P]

To a stranger? It's not worth the trouble, and may just make them angry.  That turns into a whole different kind of defense requirement.

I'm sort of thick-skinned, though, and not prone to concern over breaking cultural conventions.  My therapist mentioned noticing that...

[AnonyMs]

I can't say I've had any problems arguing with people (unfortunately I seem to enjoy it), but I would say if you don't absolutely need to then don't bother. Its a waste of time arguing with fools.

[HappyMoni]

Tell them that they don't know what they are talking about. "How can you possibly know what it is like to be me, to feel what I feel."
Moni

[Emileeeee]

Tell them that they don't know what they are talking about. "How can you possibly know what it is like to be me, to feel what I feel."
Moni

The trouble is, in my case at least, that the only people that feel inclined to argue their point about how wrong you are, are friends and family that all feel like they're trying to help you. I always feel like they're looking at me like I'm addicted to heroin or something, like it's an intervention. And ironically, it's always the people that have the most wrong with their own lives that feel so inclined to pass judgement.

[HappyMoni]

I will admit that there are some people who you just can't talk (argue) with. I have been lucky not to have dealt with a lot of transphobic folks. The closest thing to it for me is being the youngest child. I have, and probably always will be, viewed with less respect than my older siblings simply because of birth order. I have dealt with this by not depending on them for my self respect. I haven't disowned anyone, but I also don't seek to talk about areas of trouble with them either. I set my ground rules with them. "I want to keep you in my life, but I will not talk about A,B, or C. If you persist on making me uncomfortable, I will be forced to make changes to our relationship." What I am saying is spell out what you don't want to talk about. If they violate your rules, they don't deserve the privilege of talking to you. You have to KNOW that you don't deserve hostile friends or families' disrespect. Of course, if they are respectful, you get a chance to educate them.
Does this sound realistic?
Moni

[Rebecca]

I can't really speak for anyone else but to me T is best understood as being like alcohol (or a mutagen if geeky like me).

It changed me and made me behave and think in a way that really isn't me. For others to think of their drunken self it may help them see the difference. Only you can declare which is the real you.

People don't need to understand me to be my friend just to give me a chance.

Get to really know me so they can compare old and new then someday they may understand.

Like AnonyMs I normally welcome the chance to "discuss" things and love any chance to talk as I know who and what I am.

However, it is apparently not without risk though as a point did slip through yesterday giving me a major existential dilemma which I'll keep in the other thread as it's too big to put here.

That said I'm back and more than happy to take on anyone lol.