Now for the expanation as promised. My original post here in ARGHHH! was unintendedly bleak. It addressed the emotional spin out I went through after being on this site for about a year. Basically I found reasons to be extrodiarily pissed off at this site, the way things were happening, blah blah blah. So I said well then ban me and I left. Well my situation really had nothing to do with Susan's, it was about my newfound emotions. At 63 years old I had emotions for the first time in my life, many may find that difficult if not impossible to fathom but it was just the way I had lived my life. No communication as a child, ostracized from school children, I began a life of needle dope at 14 (after drinking the 5 years prior), not the on again off again drug user but the holed up in abandoned buildings, live completely by myself do or die dope fiend. No connection to society in any way, shape or form, I was cold, dark, alone, dangerous, and criminal in every sense of the word. There is a VERY good chance much of this began when young and I may have unwittingly shown female traits and had it beat out of me. The 1950's were impossible to explain to many not raised then, very very rural and isolated. I used until 1996 and cleaned up completely but isolated myself here in the woods and refused social contacts 'period'. As the onion was peeled and I slowly delt with a lifetime of ->-bleeped-<- and at 16 years of clean time I finally arrived at the gender issue. At 5 months of injectable Estrogen and all the rest of the hrt meds I was thinking I was the only one this would not work on, when BAM, the hrt drugs broke thru, cracked my well made armour and feelings came in. To say I knew what to do with them well..... I had no idea what was happening to me in the slightest, one moment I had chosen what I thought to be the correct choice...only for the conflicting side to say "I don't think so." Somewhere around 7 months later three life situations came together in the perfect storm, three very huge things, now all colored by mixed emotion. I was so caught up in this crazy ass swirl of insanity that when the Susan thing came up a part of me must have seen the perfect gift wrapped out, and I sent some of this in the forums direction. Close to a year went by before most of the dust settled and I began to really see things for what they were and separate them out and deal with them individually. It was after this point that I remembered Susan's and knew I had to come back and make things right. The original post here held just a tiny fraction of my thoughts and when I came back and read it I wondered just how I would have digested this kind of thing back when I was new here. So I realized a further explanation was necessary. I recieved countless times of help here when I could not see past the next hour, so to come back here and do this is the absolute least I could do. Anyone new reading this, well....many many things can be accomplished if you want it, just never ever give up. I am now at almost 2 years (end of June) of my hrt and I am happy beyond anything I could ever have understood. Luv all, Dani
