Looking for some Help !

[help.confused88]

Hey there, I'm new here !

I'm 28 years old and just about a year ago I've been battling with what seems to be not knowing if I'm trans or not. Bottom line, I know no one can tell me to transition, since people have different stories as to why they transitioned and how they figured it out, but maybe I feel like If some of you answer a few questions that I have, it might help me take a decision in the longer run !
So here it goes... background. Been always an awkward kid. Never really wanted to be a girl when I was young. However, I've always been very submissive, as in I have a hard time hurting people feelings and I tend to be a people pleaser. I have kind of some feminine body features that has always been bothering me, such as a little wider hips, some minor gyno (only puffy nipples), big butt, and some other body features that have similarities with that of women. This however, instead of making me happy, made my life miserable since I wanted to be very masculine like other guys.
Then later on, when I turn like 16 or 17 I started doubting if I liked men or not. Never acted on it but was diagnosed with HOCD (homosexual OCD) which is fake thought against ones will, where one gets intrusive thoughts about being gay or so.
I've always felt a little different, kind of like if I'm a child inside. Hard to describe to be honest. Also around the age of 16 as well, I started suffering from the side effects of anxiety, or it could be even dysphoria but never known it. Even up until now I get this foggy feeling in my forehead, my mind feels like "blank" as in if I have nothing to say and all those symptoms people with depression describe.
Fast forward to now... I was watching a movie and that's when all this trans topic popped in my head and from there on it has been hell...
I started realizing a few things... I've always liked women as far as I know, but also have always found something bad about their bodies, like if it wasn't perfect (or what I'd find perfect) it would turn me off. Other things that I've noticed recently is that I don't know anymore if I like them or if all this time I wanted to be like them...
When I look myself at the mirror I don't dislike seeing a man per say... but I do have this body dismorphic issue where if something bothers me, I imagine as if I moved features of my face with my imagination, until I picture this perfect symmetric face, which leads to a weird feeling in my throat, kind of like a feeling of satisfaction (can't really describe but have read other people saying the same).. But I've realized that I do the exact same thing when I look at pictures of women faces, but not men.. which led me to think that maybe, when I see the picture of a woman, I'm unconsciously staring at what could possibly be my female face.
I'm also afraid of men. Afraid of fighting and arguing with them. I don't react like other men do, but I'm still very masculine.
Another thing that I've realized is that every time I picture myself doing something, this feminine image comes up, it's not really a woman, but is not either what I see in the mirror... and if I imagine myself doing some kind of action, it seems to be feminine (such as dancing, if I imagine myself... I see myself doing girly movements, and If I force myself to visualize it as a manly dude dancing... everything gets like foggy and I can't really see it)... This sounds really confusing but it's so much to say and explain...
Lastly, the other thing that I've realized is that the voice I hear inside my head is like very girly, like a higher pitch version of mine (my voice is very deep in reality)... so when I write a text is like if I feel weird... since I hear this voice reading along what I write... and does not match the voice I hear inside my head even when I speak. Because of this somehow, every time I talk now I get anxious... and I get this urge to elevate my voice to a very high pitch which would calm my anxiety...

So if you read all this lol... here are my questions... (mostly for those who never new they were trans and hit them like a train)

1. How did you realize you didn't like women but wanted to be like them? What did it feel like for you when you saw women faces like I describe?

2. Did you guys got this feeling in your throat, a good feeling when you tried to calm your anxiety? Did you have a lot of nervous tics that did not stop until after transition?

3. Did your dysphoria somehow got worse around men? Maybe because in actuality you'r a woman trying to put up with men?

4. Any of you had that same feeling I described with the voice or visualizing yourself? Just getting anxious when visualizing your male face as you spoke with someone?

5. Final question, did people say you made no sense at all when talking? It seems like nothing I say correlates with the previous comment, or however I say it sounds stupid. Always has been this way, but now it's even worst.

Thanks a lot. Hope to hear from you !

Might be adding some stuff along the way

[FTMDiaries]

Hi, and welcome!

I'm sure one of the mods will be along shortly to give you a proper welcome, but in the meantime I thought I'd have a stab at answering your questions. I'm on the opposite side of the fence, but here's my perspective:

1. How did you realize you didn't like women but wanted to be like them? What did it feel like for you when you saw women faces like I describe?

Not all of us are straight, and not all of us are women!

I've always been attracted to men, but sadly the only kind of men I could attract in my previous life were straight men. Straight men tend to be interested in certain physical attributes, and those were the parts of my body that had betrayed me and caused me such anguish. But I had no choice, so I had to use those attributes to try to get what I need out of life. It felt very wrong and very inappropriate to have to force myself to do that, but my hands were tied.

As a youngster I always idolised strong, attractive men with good leadership qualities, and I strove to emulate them, which is a bit difficult when the whole world perceives you as being a dainty girl. But being attracted to men was a major cause of confusion for me. Because no matter how horrible I felt about being female-bodied, if I liked guys it must mean I'm really a girl right? Well... the answer to that is: 'wrong', but it took me many anguished years of soul-searching to fully appreciate that fact.

2. Did you guys got this feeling in your throat, a good feeling when you tried to calm your anxiety? Did you have a lot of nervous tics that did not stop until after transition?

Nope, not heard of that before. However my anxiety levels were sky-high for decades until I started to transition: it was transitioning, and in particular HRT, that caused my anxiety to finally start to quieten down. I'm much calmer and more relaxed now.

3. Did your dysphoria somehow got worse around men? Maybe because in actuality you'r a woman trying to put up with men?

Kinda, in a way. My height (or lack of it) can trigger my dysphoria, and to be honest I do sometimes feel a bit inadequate in the company of the sort of guys I'd emulate or to whom I'm attracted. As for women? I've always been hugely uncomfortable in their presence... and it's because I was always a guy who was trying to figure out how to act like a woman because that's what was expected of me. But women are canny, and they could always tell that something was off.

4. Any of you had that same feeling I described with the voice or visualizing yourself? Just getting anxious when visualizing your male face as you spoke with someone?

In my dreams, and in intimate encounters, I always visualised myself in a male role. Particularly with intimacy: I found it impossible to enjoy myself if I didn't visualise myself as male. I also always imagined my voice being deeper than it actually was, so I tended to be surprised when I spoke. But now that my voice has deepened to the male range, I still find it surprising (but very pleasantly so!) when I hear my voice echoing on a phone call, to hear it how other people must hear it. It's strange, but absolutely wonderful!

5. Final question, did people say you made no sense at all when talking? It seems like nothing I say correlates with the previous comment, or however I say it sounds stupid. Always has been this way, but now it's even worst.

Sometimes, but that's because I'm on the autism spectrum - so I tend to take things literally.

[amberwaves]

Hi there.  I definitely understand some of your tale.  I'm 34 and just discovered I was transgender about 6 months ago.  I didn't want to be a girl growing up, but I was incredibly jealous of my sister's who didn't have masculine stereotypes shoved down their throats.  I had both masculine and feminine interests as a kid and was mercilessly picked on for anything feminine about me by both my family and peers.  I have some feminine body characteristics including larger hips, buttocks, and moobs.  These were always present despite whether i was in shape or not.  This gave me no end of misery growing up and during adulthood.  Now I am finding it pleasant to have such a head start.

I never was uncomfortable around guys.  I just never really fit in.  I was horribly uncomfortable around most women.  I am sexually attracted to women.  I had explored whether I was bi, but ultimately I am not attracted to men.  I am now discovering that with particular females I am very jealous of how they look.  Many of my former girlfriends I find were what I secretly wished I could be, but never realized it until recently.  I do not particularly dislike my body, but it never held up to the masculine standards I held.  I do not have dysphoria regarding my genitalia.  I do absolutely love every step I take towards feminizing myself.  I am finally exploring an aspect of my psyche that was repressed for far too long.  I was a bitter angry man and hope to become a caring, affectionate woman.  I hope this lets you know that you are not alone and that not fitting the "I knew I was a girl from a young age" narrative is okay.

Ambet

[Jacqueline]

Welcome to the site.

There are a lot of people here with many different experiences at many different spots along path of transitioning (or not). I expect you will get a lot of answers. Much of your story is very similar to many of us. Much of your story will be different. Everyone's experience is individual. I will answer your questions in just a touch.

I want to post some links for you as a new member. It has helpful information and the rules of the site. If you have not  read through them yet, please take a moment to:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

As a point of reference. I am 51. I only came to the conclusion that I am transgender about a year ago. I did not realize I was female at an early age. I have been in therapy, for a little over a year, for the first time in my life. I am married with three teen age daughters. I am out to my wife(she is trying to be supportive) and a few friends and all my doctors. However, I am in male mode most of the time at this point.

1. How did you realize you didn't like women but wanted to be like them? What did it feel like for you when you saw women faces like I describe?

I actually do like women. I guess when I came to the realization of being transgender MTF I realized that as a woman I am lesbian if not bi. (Never thought of myself as bi till starting HRT. Still don't but can now imagine what being with a male would be like). I don't think I have experienced what you describe about women's faces. I sometimes experience some jealousy but kind of like the way most humans do(I think).

2. Did you guys got this feeling in your throat, a good feeling when you tried to calm your anxiety? Did you have a lot of nervous tics that did not stop until after transition?

I am not sure I experienced the throat thing. Like FTMDiaries, I too had a lot of anxiety my whole life. As a result, I have slept poorly, did have some nervous habits(tapping of feet, fingers etch; playing with something in my hands; figiting in general). I have had some skin conditions that have all but cleared and much of my anxiety has been lowered. I used to be very quick to anger. I am now still quick to react but not to a violent anger (often self focused). I have shown a lot of signs of being dyslexic.

3. Did your dysphoria somehow got worse around men? Maybe because in actuality you'r a woman trying to put up with men?

Not sure if it was dysporia. I have rarely to never felt comfortable around most men and definitely in groups of men. Not sure if it was putting up with so much as having so little in common.

4. Any of you had that same feeling I described with the voice or visualizing yourself? Just getting anxious when visualizing your male face as you spoke with someone?

I was not anxious so much as hated it. I too picture my voice, body movement and face differently than how it actually exists. I have had problems recognizing myself in the mirror. I know it's me but it was like I was a controlling a puppet, almost like it was a trick. I experienced a lot of self loathing at seeing what I look like as well as many other things. I am starting to try to work through that now.

5. Final question, did people say you made no sense at all when talking? It seems like nothing I say correlates with the previous comment, or however I say it sounds stupid. Always has been this way, but now it's even worst.

This is not something I have experienced myself. I have had minor symptoms of dyslexia and was very shy. So I worked to think through how my answers to questions or comments sounded to others and have become a better communicator. Controlling the puppet.

I would highly suggest you visit a therapist and if you have the time and money a specialist(gender therapist). I find they help us work through things in a more safe and efficient way than if we are just on our own. Plus, they have heard most variations of our experiences.

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, continue to ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[help.confused88]

No one? Sniff Sniff

[Jacqueline]

No one? Sniff Sniff

Um, I'm confused. You got three replies. Was there something else missing?

Joanna

[help.confused88]

Sorry just could not see the replies for X reason !

Thanks a lot for answering !

Just some other questions... How did you girls realized that you wanted to look like women when you look at her, rather than actually being attracted to them? My fear is going all the way to having surgery in order to really achieve that female face, and there realize that it was all a mistake... because I'm certain that I would not be happy trying to just pass and such ...

The other thing driving me crazy is that sometimes I feel weird... From what I read is like most of you could visualize yourself still as a male, as the face you saw in the mirror (even if you didn't like it).. For me it's like every-time I picture myself doing something, or now even when I'm talking to people, I feel this weird female as if I already was/looked female. Also when I talk my body is like this thing projecting out of me, and it really resonates all over my head which drives me crazy... and all of this I'm confused since I don't know... I never hated being a male before. It was deff hard for me since I'm really passive with people but I know I enjoyed being a male. I don't know anymore if it's OCD (which I suffer from badly) or if I really am trans

Thanks for your time !

[Jacqueline]

To clarify. I can see a person in the mirror. I know it is me from years of experience. I don't recognize that person as me. I don't know that I ever have. If I don't look at myself, I am not the person everyone else sees. I don't look, move or sound really the way I expect.

That sounds kind of like what you are describing.

I have been attracted to women. However, I love the feeling I get when I get lost in being the woman within. It is not a sexual rush although there may be some twinges of that. I think all people are able to find what is attractive in them. I could see it when I was younger but still did not feel it was really me.

Only you and a therapist can really work through the doubts and personal symptoms you have. Any transition(whether all the way or only partial) is a slow journey. Take your time and work through it.

With warmth,

Joanna

[help.confused88]

Ok thanks ! Finallt yhe thing that bothers me the most is talking. I started kind of stuttering when I became 16... it's as if my voice resonates all over my head and speaking at the moment now has become very very hard. It's weird and hard to explaij but even to the point where I don't speak clearly anymore.. anyone had this before?

[SidneyAldaine]

The other thing driving me crazy is that sometimes I feel weird... From what I read is like most of you could visualize yourself still as a male, as the face you saw in the mirror (even if you didn't like it).. For me it's like every-time I picture myself doing something, or now even when I'm talking to people, I feel this weird female as if I already was/looked female. Also when I talk my body is like this thing projecting out of me, and it really resonates all over my head which drives me crazy... and all of this I'm confused since I don't know... I never hated being a male before. It was deff hard for me since I'm really passive with people but I know I enjoyed being a male. I don't know anymore if it's OCD (which I suffer from badly) or if I really am trans

OMG YES! I never met anyone having this weird experience. Just you. And me. So to answer that- sometimes I feel like I am a puppeteer holding myself as a puppet. That puppet is a female in me, someone who is inside of me and wants to come out. This happens mostly when I try to hide my feminine side too much and it`s too much to bear. Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I almost imagine or project myself as a girl, that ideal in my head. This is how I interpret it: There is a major difference on who I appear to be (male) and who I am in my mind (I even have dreams of being a girl). And sometimes it comes out on the surface. Hence, that feeling of puppeteer and a puppet. It`s strange, `cause when it happens It`s almost like I can feel every movement of my body and every reaction as how it differs from my male visage. I`m sorry I can`t describe it better...

As for your question when did I realised I want to be a woman and not just like them- it was definitely during my first sex. And then, sometimes when I cuddled or kissed a girl, I somehow got this urge being on her place. When I was a kid, I was just jealous that women are women and I`m here, a little boy and I wanted to switch places.

And finally, about the voice- that comes from my anxiety. Sometimes I have a feeling like my thoughts are destroying my line of talking. Like you have this one big wave of thought that you talk about and suddenly, your brain starts to block it with other thoughts and you stutter, or lose yourself somewhere in between. This happens to me mostly when I`m anxious or stressed out around new people. But not always.