Thank you for a nice post.
I think we all go through doubts, sometimes very severe doubts as we take our journey. But are we who we are or the effect of oestrogen?
Well take cismales who have undergone oestrogen therapy for prostatic cancer (no longer done) they went into severe depression. Why? Because they were not female.
Woman during menopause often plunge into a depression due to a drop in E, and their depression is rapidly reversed by going on E patches (that is why they were developed).
So what is going on? A female brain needs E to be 'happy' a male brain doesn't need or want E it goes into a funk.
So in a trans woman we feel so much better so quickly on E that it is the brain that is responding, not the body, it is way too early for the physical changes. A male does not feel that way.
Are your physical changes part of you? Of course they are! How depressed do women with breast cancer feel when they use to have to have radical mastectomies? How the plastic surgeons developed reconstructive procedure for them so they 'felt' more feminine again.
I am me, and not my body, but my body is an integral part of who I am. I like to look feminine, I like a feminine body, clothes etc. I have my hair done so I look nice. I wear nice clothes.
Why?
Because it makes me feel better, it is me who is doing all of that for me. Not for attracting a BF, not for passing, not for anything except I am a woman and I like feeling and being one.
As for going back, no I couldn't. OK I'm too far through the journey to go back anyway, my changes are permanent. But I could never pretend to be a guy again.
To be honest I wouldn't know how.
