So many things to wonder about..

[gnb984]

For anyone out there who is a SO or still with their SO after transition, how has your life changed? I am a cis female that wants to stay with my boyfriend who recently told me he wants to transition. I'm scared about a lot of things but I love him so much. We had a lot of plans for our future such as having children. I recently read that hrt can cause sterility? Are there certain ones that do more than others? Also, for those that did go through or are still on HRT, can you still be physically intimate with your partner , or if there is loss of function can it return after the hormones stop? Did you lose attraction to your SO and start feeling difgerent about your sexual preference? Our relationship is so much more than that obv- which is why I am still here, but those are some questions I was looking for answers about. Also, for those that are trans, was it difficult for your SO, and how did you make it through that time in transition? I want to be as supportive as possible, but in a wierd way i feel like I need support too- I guess cause it is all so new and uncertain to me. I'm not really concerned as much about what other people think. I'm concerned about keeping him or her in my life and our happiness. I just know that I'm scared of losing someone important to me and maybe if I understood more I would feel better. Thanks.

[Dena]

I am not a SO but I can answer a couple of your questions. HRT may diminish sexual drive but not the need for affection or sexual preference. Some of us discover we are bisexual after the social restrictions are released but many of us remain true to our life partner. You know the divorce figures as well as I do and normal couples often have divorce rates of over 50% so I can't promise you anything other than you have a normal chance of staying together.

If going on HRT and a family is desired, it's a good idea to preserve sperm for latter use. There is a storage cost but it will allow both of you to have children of your own blood.

The best answers will come from discussions with your SO between the two of you and possibly with a therapist involved. I have hopes that you will stay together and if you are willing to accept the changes that will happen, it's possible you will.

[HappyMoni]

Dear GNB,
My wife is not here to answer, but I can tell you what she has said many times when asked about us staying together. She says that she fell in love with my soul, not my gender. The things she liked best about me involved my female self. My "she" side is sensitive, caring, loving and a whole lot nicer person. My "he" side was shameful, angry, and emotionally unavailable many times. I would be willing to bet that a lot of the reason you love your significant other is because of the "she" aspects of "their" personality. If your SO can proceed on a path to true self, I imagine "they" will be happier possibly  making things better for your relationship. We are together 37 years and she has known since the beginning. She is amazing, accepting me long before I could accept myself. I cannot answer questions about the medical aspects. I can tell you that happiness is possible. Communication and honesty are a must to make it work. Best wishes!
Moni

[gnb984]

Thank you both for your responses. I guess I need to be patient and try to be positive going forward and know that I don't have all the answers right now.  I totally agree that love/lasting marriage/happiness is about loving the person's soul and being their best friend  - I never thought if someone had asked me that Id be thinking about these decisions and dealing with a situation like this. But it has taught me a lot about what it is to love someone.

[Dena]

Patience and positive attitude are issues I still sometimes have difficulties with after all these years. We can plan out our life in great detail but life has a habit of throwing a wrench into the works altering our plans. The strange thing is often things can turn out better than they would have if we could have stuck to our plans.

[Marienz]

Thank you both for your responses. I guess I need to be patient and try to be positive going forward and know that I don't have all the answers right now.  I totally agree that love/lasting marriage/happiness is about loving the person's soul and behind their best friend  - I never thought if someone had asked me that Id be thinking about these decisions and dealing with a situation like this. But it has taught me a lot about what it is to love someone.

Hi again:)
Yes be patient not all answers will come at once:)
You love your partner regardless of gender, this is obvious.
If I could go back and talk to myself... 5 months ago I would be saying to myself "take it slow, listen to each other and support each other"... Love runs deeper then gender:)
Good luck, I look forward to hearing about your progress.
X

[Rebecca]

Also not an SO but happy to tell you what little I can from my world.

My own wife has really loved the changes within me as my personality, emotions, everything evolved over the past 17 months and particularly since starting HRT telling me regularly she would never swap me for "him" and I truly believe her.

BUT she really struggles conceptually with me being female and what everyone else in the world might think.
Understandable as it wont be the life she originally planned out for herself and she is good at worrying so sees plenty of potential problems.

Generally she is ok and has got used to how I am, dress, play, bounce when excited etc but if she needs to talk or think about my transition in particular she can kinda break and her defense reaction is aggression (my fault as "he" was very good at arguing and always had to "win" she learned to go into a "chat" hard and fast /sigh)

Sexually I remain only interested in my wife and manage to satisfy her better orally than I ever did with regular sex.
Also released from my own sexual burden (thank goodness as I was like an animal at times) I am happy just getting her off without me obsessing about my own relief.

I do not doubt that I could physically have "normal" sex but for me it would be a lie to have sex with her like a man as I want to love her and make love to her as a woman.
It's nice to give her my full attention and have her enjoy time that is just for her.
Feel free to scream TMI btw.

My favourite activity is simply holding each other close and kissing any time any place as although in the past I was very emotionally detached the exact opposite is true now that I am restored.

If anything I would say I love her more with every passing day and hope she stays with me in the end but I will let her go if that is what she wants.

It sounds to me like your future husband/wife is very lucky to have you and I hope things work out for you both.

If there is anything I can help with feel free to ask.

[gnb984]

Jerrica.. thank you SO much for your post.. It's awesome to hear how happy you are not only with yourself with your wife as well. Your wife sounds like me in that she worries a lot. It's one  that caused the biggest problems in our relationship so far. I need to hear things more than once sometimes or need re-affirmation of how my partner feels, but sometimes in the past that came off as me being overly needy. The hard thing now is with the whole coming of this transition there is actually real reasons for me to have questions/ concerns/ need for reassurance as both of our lives could be completely changed. So unfortunately it caused me to escalate my actions that already bothered my partner.. And has pushed them away I've taken a lot of time to think about and realize that I will be ok with this change- I think it was the initial shock of how quickly it evolved that left me feeling frantic. My partner had a lot of his own anxiety and anger about himself/at life which I think actually was stemming from holding this in for so long. I think that left him on edge and unable to let me in like he used to until finally this all came out. My insecurities were/are something I still need to work on, but  I guess I'm hoping that if he/she will forgive me and open up to me again that they still want our future together. I feel really left out in the dark and want to share in this experience with them and help them along the way.
What you have with your wife sounds exactly like what I want/ hope with my partner. I'm hoping that they will be the person I know they are when they are themselves and happy- I just want that emotional closeness again.
You've been on HRT for 3 months and still are only attracted to your wife? I know the decline in drive is common- I still want to make her feel beautiful and womanly, I guess I've read lots of other people on here saying that early on in hrt but as they continue longer they start liking guys only and their wife/gf isn't enough. This terrifies me.. I know nothing is for sure in life.. I  just don't want her attraction to change be for men and want to leave me cause then there's really nothing I can do. :-/
I have thought about what other people might think.. Sometimes it worries me a little- cause I know I'm freely choosing an alternate life than what I had planned. I think in today's society so many kinds of love are accepted and I believe that the acceptance is only going to grow. I know my family will be accepting even if it is difficult for them  and I feel like people who truly love me and my partner will be as well. At the end of the day I'm the one who comes home to her and hopefully spends my life with her- and that's what really matters to me.
I was wondering, do you have or plan to have children? That is something I don't want to give up on..
I hope things keep going well for you and your wife as well.

[Rebecca]

I actually have 3 children. 2 girls (11 & 5) and 1 boy (6).

My eldest is fully aware of everything and has been a constant source of amazement as to how clued up she is on everything. Also remarkably a source of strength especially at first when I was at my weakest and in real fear of disappearing again. Bit complicated to explain that bit but might do it under another post later.

My younger children know all my girlie likes (favourite colour is pink, my fave pony is Rarity etc), that my new name for other people is Gerry (until I get to rename then it will be Jerri), I am their Dad and most importantly that I love them and always will.

Oh and most recently they know I have a girl brain and a boy body previously they had decided on their own that my brain was pink. My son says I'm not allowed to change my body to a girl body as only a witch can do it so to ask his Mum or sister. I just smiled and said we'll see maybe someday. Small steps, I know the kids could easily handle it but kids talk so making it as simple as possible for them.

From the sex standpoint I have no reason to expect any change there. I (he) was previously pretty much obsessed with sex to the point of it being harmful to the relationship with my wife. I can now enjoy physical intimacy so much more without being possessed by that animalistic need.

Relationshipwise I have gone a full 180 from very detached and uncaring to very loving and at times a bit (a lot) needy.

My only real fears in this world in order.

1. Losing me (not for selfish reasons but because it would let "him" back in and my family deserve better)
2. Losing my wife (chances fluctuate but hopefully slowly dropping)
3. Losing my kids (very doubtful but fear exists)

It's a complicated world we live in but I like to keep things simple. I am me at all times (no girl or boy mode - so I guess I'm always in girl mode then, cool) and my family love me.

Everything else even getting to have my own name is just details that will take care of themselves in the fullness of time.

[Marienz]

QUOTE:
At the end of the day I'm the one who comes home to her and hopefully spends my life with her- and that's what really matters to me.

Hi, correct:) you sound so loving towards your partner... You love her soul, regardless of gender:)

QUOTE:
I was wondering, do you have or plan to have children? That is something I don't want to give up on..

Hi, Have you considered freezing her sperm? And possibly your eggs for later on? Sorry this is without me knowing your age:) it's a good way to safe guard yourselves if she goes on hormones. This was a big concern to me as well. I suggest talking about it, quite early on:) There are many lesbian couples who have children:)

Keep communicating together as a couple. You're doing a great job:)

[Emileeeee]

Also not an SO, but I can tell you how mine has progressed.

I was seeing a very hetero woman and eventually came out to her because my mood swings over suppressing this were starting to affect the relationship and I didn't want to lose the ability to keep her as a friend if she wasn't okay with it. It turned out she was okay with it, but things changed and although I'm sure she had thought things through, I'm not sure she was as prepared as she could have been.

We're still together and married with 5 kids. I think this is where your situation differs and it can be significant if you want kids still, but there is hope. Your SO can turn to storing their sperm for future use. The hormones affect different people differently. My sex drive went from 10 to 0. For some, it increases. I believe for all, sperm production stops after several months, so it would be important to store it first.

I'm on HRT and full time. I can still enjoy sex, but I don't get in the mood anymore without already being in the act. This has caused some issues for me personally because she ends up not getting her needs fulfilled and when I try to do it anyway, it turns into an argument about how wrong it is for her to do that if I don't like it. So we kind of go back and forth between her needing it and her not wanting me to fake it. I liked women before starting and that has not changed. It's just primarily on an emotional level now.

I'm sure you've thought all of these scenarios through, but you'll want to make sure you have support, aside from your SO, to deal with them as they arise. Love is love works great, but eventually the world that's been crashing down on your SO is going to come for you too. People treat her differently now because they see us as a lesbian couple. We don't do any PDA, but people still see it. She's lost friends and family over supporting me too.

Communicate, communicate, communicate! I can't stress this enough. Your SO will be going through teenage girl mood swings for a bit and she won't realize how snippy she's getting. When that happens, the tiniest things could be blown out of proportion quickly, so make sure they're communicated as soon as possible, from both of you!

The community needs more SO support groups too. She also is dying to have other people to talk to about all this. She says she's even more of a minority than I am and she's right. She's not gay or bi, but she's being treated like she is because she loves me and it's getting to her. She's finding people she's known her entire life are anti-trans activists and having to deal with pushing lifelong friends out of her life. Taking her to therapy with me helped, but she really needs a way to speak to someone about all this without me in the room.

It does work though. She's as much my own support pillar as I am hers. She builds up my confidence to levels I've never known and I make sure she knows how much she's loved and appreciated.

[gnb984]

Hey y'all, thanks for the responses! I've done a lot of reading/ research, and it seems that younger kids are extremely understanding and less affected by transition.  Adaptability and understanding in children has always been fascinating to me -- maybe it's because they aren't tainted as of yet by our society's negative opinions.  I guess in my case they would all come after my partner transitioned.  There have also been studies published recently, especially one in the journal of pediatrics (the doctor in me is coming out) that say that children raised by same sex parents show no difference in emotional/mental development and competence. Jerrica-- I love the "pink" brain with a boy body explanation 

Im 29, my partner is a little older than me.. I know I still have a decent amount of time left with my eggs, but I really want them to consider freezing their sperm, as HRT is a form of chemical castration.  We always talked about having children, but when I brought this up to them again in light of everything that has transpired recently, they acted like it wasn't really on their mind.  I can only hope that the Dr's/ center they go to will emphasize this as well, as this may be something irreversible, which I actually didn't know until recently- not only if they want to be with me/have kids but if they even have a thought of wanting them with someone in the future.

Emileee- I definitely know that it won't always be sunshine and rainbows.  I know I will be judged by others and so will my SO.  The profession I will have will have me interacting with many people in my community.  This concerned me more if my partner was cross dressing part of the time and not full time. If they transition fully we will just be judged as lesbians.  Yet, I realized that I know people in my profession who are homosexual who are very successful and it does not interfere with their career.  I know our future lifetyle would still comes with judgement, and I've thought a lot more about this recently.  Like I have said before, I already know the people that really matter in my own life support me and her, and if we are in it together hopefully we can make it through other difficult times.   I know there might be times when it is hard- but I feel like the person I met is still worth it. I do feel like there needs to be more support groups for us out there.  is your wife on the forum? You can always PM me... if it lets me do that yet?

Speaking of support.  JamieJ-- I'm trying to do a good job. My insecurity in the past has caused problems in our relationship, but this transition has only made it a little bit worse.  A little while back I was at a low point and really sad/ filled with questions, and as I mentioned before, it really upset my partner, probably because she already had so much anxiety about coming out about all of this. Unfortunately she is not speaking to me right now, but I can just keep hoping she will again soon and we can work this out. I have thought a lot more about everything and I know this is what I want. 

Even though i know it is what I want, both of us have to want it.  Emileee, to answer your question, I do have a supportive family and friends, but I begun to see a therapist who has a special interest in transgender people transitioning and their SO's and families.  She told me I have been super supportive (she almost sounded surprised) but that transitioning has to be a team effort if you are a couple, because your life is changing too.  I think my partner has been carrying this around for a long time-- I know she must be scared and excited at the same time- but I need to still feel that she's there and supports me too.  I just hope we can both move forward and grow closer through all of this.I guess right now all I can do is wait.   

[Emileeeee]

...
is your wife on the forum? You can always PM me... if it lets me do that yet?

I don't know to be honest. I sent her here when I first told her and I know she's been in here, but I think she felt like there wasn't enough activity in the SO forums to warrant checking in a lot. I can see if she'd chat with you.

Even though i know it is what I want, both of us have to want it.  Emileee, to answer your question, I do have a supportive family and friends, but I begun to see a therapist who has a special interest in transgender people transitioning and their SO's and families.  She told me I have been super supportive (she almost sounded surprised) but that transitioning has to be a team effort if you are a couple, because your life is changing too.  I think my partner has been carrying this around for a long time-- I know she must be scared and excited at the same time- but I need to still feel that she's there and supports me too.  I just hope we can both move forward and grow closer through all of this.I guess right now all I can do is wait.

It's tough for me sometimes, but I do get the feeling that she's having a harder time emotionally with this than I am.

[Marienz]

Hey y'all, thanks for the responses! I've done a lot of reading/ research, and it seems that younger kids are extremely understanding and less affected by transition.  Adaptability and understanding in children has always been fascinating to me -- maybe it's because they aren't tainted as of yet by our society's negative opinions.  I guess in my case they would all come after my partner transitioned.  There have also been studies published recently, especially one in the journal of pediatrics (the doctor in me is coming out) that say that children raised by same sex parents show no difference in emotional/mental development and competence. Jerrica-- I love the "pink" brain with a boy body explanation 

Im 29, my partner is a little older than me.. I know I still have a decent amount of time left with my eggs, but I really want them to consider freezing their sperm, as HRT is a form of chemical castration.  We always talked about having children, but when I brought this up to them again in light of everything that has transpired recently, they acted like it wasn't really on their mind.  I can only hope that the Dr's/ center they go to will emphasize this as well, as this may be something irreversible, which I actually didn't know until recently- not only if they want to be with me/have kids but if they even have a thought of wanting them with someone in the future.

Emileee- I definitely know that it won't always be sunshine and rainbows.  I know I will be judged by others and so will my SO.  The profession I will have will have me interacting with many people in my community.  This concerned me more if my partner was cross dressing part of the time and not full time. If they transition fully we will just be judged as lesbians.  Yet, I realized that I know people in my profession who are homosexual who are very successful and it does not interfere with their career.  I know our future lifetyle would still comes with judgement, and I've thought a lot more about this recently.  Like I have said before, I already know the people that really matter in my own life support me and her, and if we are in it together hopefully we can make it through other difficult times.   I know there might be times when it is hard- but I feel like the person I met is still worth it. I do feel like there needs to be more support groups for us out there.  is your wife on the forum? You can always PM me... if it lets me do that yet?

Speaking of support.  JamieJ-- I'm trying to do a good job. My insecurity in the past has caused problems in our relationship, but this transition has only made it a little bit worse.  A little while back I was at a low point and really sad/ filled with questions, and as I mentioned before, it really upset my partner, probably because she already had so much anxiety about coming out about all of this. Unfortunately she is not speaking to me right now, but I can just keep hoping she will again soon and we can work this out. I have thought a lot more about everything and I know this is what I want. 

Even though i know it is what I want, both of us have to want it.  Emileee, to answer your question, I do have a supportive family and friends, but I begun to see a therapist who has a special interest in transgender people transitioning and their SO's and families.  She told me I have been super supportive (she almost sounded surprised) but that transitioning has to be a team effort if you are a couple, because your life is changing too.  I think my partner has been carrying this around for a long time-- I know she must be scared and excited at the same time- but I need to still feel that she's there and supports me too.  I just hope we can both move forward and grow closer through all of this.I guess right now all I can do is wait.

Hi
I will reply again in more detail later:)
Do not be to concerned about her not speaking to you right now... Easier said then done. We all react differently as SO at the start... I flew off the handle.. But later discovered she could be turning into an alien and I would still love her forever!
She will come around to talking to you... You are both processing allot right now:)
Marie

[Marienz]

HI, how are you getting on? x

[gnb984]

Terrible, after giving my partner space, I asked how much more space/time they needed so I could mentally deal with it.  Instead they told me they didn't want to be with me, and when i just kept asking for a reason or a conversation in person like adults have, they wouldn't give it to me.  Then I sent an email explaining that I wanted to be with her no matter how far she took her transition and that I was excited to share in all of that with her. And that I was seeking counseling for my own insecurities and  wanted to be able to move forward together in this. I unconditionally love her and want to be by her side.. Instead she showed up at my apartments tonight and left all my stuff in the lobby, and didn't tell me till afterwards.  She won't answer any of my calls and only threatens me via text. Strange thing is she kept all of the nice clothes I said she could have and the expensive items as well.. even though I told her I was giving her the items assuming we wouldn't break up.  I just wanted a face to face conversation and I don't know why I don't deserve that.  I have been so open to love unconditionally and now suddenly I am a bad person.   All I wanted was a conversation like adults can have.  I am heartbroken and lost. I don't know what is going on. This is the person that I thought I would marry, and had reassured me through all of this that I had their love no matter what. I am so hurt and I don't know what to do.

[Marienz]

Terrible, after giving my partner space, I asked how much more space/time they needed so I could mentally deal with it.  Instead they told me they didn't want to be with me, and when i just kept asking for a reason or a conversation in person like adults have, they wouldn't give it to me.  Then I sent an email explaining that I wanted to be with her no matter how far she took her transition and that I was excited to share in all of that with her. And that I was seeking counseling for my own insecurities and  wanted to be able to move forward together in this. I unconditionally love her and want to be by her side.. Instead she showed up at my apartments tonight and left all my stuff in the lobby, and didn't tell me till afterwards.  She won't answer any of my calls and only threatens me via text. Strange thing is she kept all of the nice clothes I said she could have and the expensive items as well.. even though I told her I was giving her the items assuming we wouldn't break up.  I just wanted a face to face conversation and I don't know why I don't deserve that.  I have been so open to love unconditionally and now suddenly I am a bad person.   All I wanted was a conversation like adults can have.  I am heartbroken and lost. I don't know what is going on. This is the person that I thought I would marry, and had reassured me through all of this that I had their love no matter what. I am so hurt and I don't know what to do.

Oh Hun, I know that feeling:(
It's aweful I know... But hang in there:) so somethings for you, things you enjoy and see how things are in a few days. Easier said then done I know!!
She will be going through so many things in her mind as well...

X

[Mermaid]

Hi, I hope that things are getting better... you seem really kind and understanding. Your partner is blessed to have that kind of support from you.

Your last post was a little heartbreaking to read, it felt unfair... It prompted me to post but I fear there might be little I can say to help. My experience was different... before and while transitioning, my partner(s) were men, and my transition was also in their interest... or, at the very least, something that they knew about before dating me.
I can't give insight into your partner's behaviour because I have no idea what must be going through her mind. All I can do is be encouraging, and continue to follow your story =( I hope things get better soon. I'm not sure what advice to give, but feel free to use my PM inbox if you need to talk to anyone more directly...

Hang in there =(

[Emileeeee]

I hope things turn around for you two. She could be struggling with some emotions of her own and unable to get through them. Being accepted that way could be shocking. Has she told any family or friends? If so, did they take it badly? I had a ridiculous amount of family walk away when I needed them most because of this and it crushed me. But communication is more important right now than ever before. This is the time she needs the most support. It's shocking that she'd turn it away. With that much love, I would expect her to want to at least work things out to remain friends if that's as far as she wants to go with it all.

For me, I was so sure that nobody would ever accept me as myself, that I tried to break off the relationship just like I had for every relationship prior to this one. My thinking was that her life would be better without me, that I was doing her a favor. When she totally accepted me, I felt like she didn't hear what I said. When she said she did, I thought she hadn't thought it all through, so I grilled her on the possible issues. Didn't phase her. Then I was worried that she was going to leave me when she started to actually see the changes. She kept saying she was afraid I wouldn't love her anymore and all I kept hearing was that she was afraid that she would stop loving me. Seeing how people treat her and the kids differently because of their support of me, I sometimes wonder if it was even worth it. I actually like myself for a change, but what it's doing to my family is killing me.

[Marienz]

Hi
I think all the replies on here are very helpful:)
I hope you're feeling better today:)
Feel free to message me:)
Marie


Significant other
Heterosexual woman