Can I be happy? post-transition

[MikeG500]

I wrote this, sort of in a ramble to myself. I don't have Microsoft Word on my laptop so I used a word processor without auto-correct, so forgive any spelling errors. I am very unhappy right now. This is post-transition hardship. If you have any advice, i'd like to hear it. I want to know if you believe I can be happy. As a last resort I am going to start a journey to understand happiness, and I want to begin here.
--
I've been in China for almost 2 months now. I came here because after recently graduating college, before paying off my student loans, before starting the full time career life, I wanted to experience something else first. I've always struggled with self-esteem issues, constantly comparing myself to everyone else I see, constantly critiquing all of my physical flaws. No matter how much I plead, wish, or imagine myself being born with a normal body, it will never happen. I have been in constant denial about this. I know that it will not change, yet for some reason I cannot accept it. My hands and feet are even smaller than an average female's. I am short. I am angry because yes, I am a transsexual man, and that in itself is already extremely difficult to deal with, but I had to be born with the genes of someone particularly small. If I had been born with the genes of someone average or large, and then transitioned, it wouldn't be this hard, I envy other's who have transitioned and have at least average looking hands and feet, average height, etc. I remember a period in my life where I had looked androgynous, before I had even discovered the ability to transition. Just the act of leaving my house was difficult, because everywhere I went, people would stare, whisper, laugh. I haven't thought about that in a long time, but it was extremely difficult. Now, years later, I am always read as male. I went through a period of being "happy", I felt good that I was no longer noticed in public. It's been almost 5 years since I started physically transitioning. I have been feeling extremely unhappy. I don't know what it is, what happened lately, but I am extremely self conscious of everything about me. I don't know why but my obsession with having the male figure is greater than ever. Every male I see here, mostly all taller, but a couple shorter, all look much more manly than me. They all have big hands, feet, heads, broad shoulders, things I lack, even now. Everytime I put my hands on a table, use my hands in any way, I feel people staring, wondering why I have such small hands. Everytime I see my reflection in a mirror, I look like a child. Everyone thinks i'm still 18-22. I am a 25 year old man. Women don't even see me as anything other than a friend. I make them laugh, I have great conversations with them, but I know they do not see me as attractive. I am a child. Maybe it's because people in China are supposed to be smaller. Everyone here, especially the guys, are big. They are big and tall and masculine. I am American. People here expect me to be just as big or bigger. But I am smaller. I sometimes read online about men's insecurities. They are always just one or two things, such as small hands, small feet, short height, small dick, no facial hair. These guys seem so upset about this one thing. I have ALL of these problem, amplified. Now, knowing all this, how am I supposed to be happy? I have some pretty nice accomplishments in my life. I graduated university with a degree in engineering. I have done some exciting things, even gotten on the news a couple times. I have hitch hiked, traveled solo to other countries, and so on. I see myself as just a regular guy. I have other guy friends I hang out with regularly, I just live my life. I don't talk about my transition. Only a couple people know. I like it that way. The problem is, I am not happy. I am actually very unhappy. I have been chasing happiness, comfort in my own body. I don't see how I can achieve this. I used to believe I could do anything. This is why I go out of my way to live my life a little differently. To be adventurous and take risks. I believed that even with my flaws, I could still be happy. I could still live a normal life. I used to tell myself I was good looking and masculine looking. But I know that's just a lie.  I don't think it's possible for me to be happy. Every day, I look in the mirror and see my clothes fitting oddly, my small hands and feet, my shortness. I can't date, even though women enjoy being around me, they can't see themselves with me. I just feel like a child physically. How I long to be an average looking adult male. I don't even need to be good looking. Just average. Just normal. These are physical things I cannot change. I was just dealt a ->-bleeped-<- hand. So what do I do? I will not end my life, because I could never do that to my family, especially my mother. What do I do?

[Laura_7]

*hugs*

-stop concentrating on your flaws start to work with what you like. Expand it.

-a lot of gait and mannerism comes from within. If you feel like a man it will shine through. Work on that feeling ... feel yourself ... and be yourself.

-you could consider hormone therapy. It can lower voice, add facial hair growth and makes muscle buildup easier.

-if you look around you will find small men. Many of them have a lot of personality . Why ? Because they could not rely on outer features, but made up with inner features. Those are the people many women like to be with as partners ... imo ...


hugs

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Mike, I had the same experience of looking like a child. I got fed up and stopped trying to pass. But I think it's easier to get gender therapy and testosterone now.

Gender sadness doesn't really go away if you don't treat it. However, hating everything about your body actually is something you can control. It's where dysphoria ends and beating up on yourself begins. This isn't easy to do, but you need to come to some acceptance of your body. Even with transition, many things won't change. It doesn't mean you'll never pass, but you need to learn to love your hands and feet because they're going to be with you for life.

I wish I knew what to say that would be encouraging, except that I lived through what you did at 20 and I survived and I'm still here. I found a women who didn't laugh at me. I'm on the autism spectrum too so that was doubly hard.

I hope you can find someone to talk to about your distress so it doesn't eat you up.

[Elis]

It seems like you're having self esteem issues which are separate from your gender issues. It's common for men to be dissatisfied with how their bodies look seeing as we're constantly bombarbed with adverts which show how men 'should' look. Many men do not fit this criteria and yet they're still considered manly and handsome. It's probably best to see a therapist to talk through this. Otherwise you could develop body dysmorphia or an eating disorder.

[WorkingOnThomas]

People stare at me all the time. They should. I'm an incredibly handsome little guy.

Look, the hands and feet thing used to bug me, as did being short - I was the shortest person in my family (even my grandma had five inches on me) and I buy my shoes in the children's department. Still do, in fact. But I can't do much to change any of that. I mean, I can disguise my tiny feet with slightly bigger shoes, but that is about it.

Nothing wrong with being smaller. Tall guys have their problems too.

[HeyTrace19]

It's been almost 5 years since I started physically transitioning. I have been feeling extremely unhappy. I don't know what it is, what happened lately, but I am extremely self conscious of everything about me. I don't know why but my obsession with having the male figure is greater than ever. 

I have been feeling this lately as well.  After 5 years, I am still so disappointed in my body...  I have done a lot of work to try and build muscle and change my appearance, but I still look weird... small, skinny, and oddly proportioned for a guy. Testosterone has given me some changes, but not enough.  I am in my 40's and I look like I might be 29.  People really give me strange looks, which further intensifies my disappointment with this body.  Will I ever be happy?  Well, I have to consider the fact that I am much happier than I was while living my female life, so I guess that is progress, but I think I will ALWAYS have this dissatisfaction about my body.  It is just not right, and cannot be completely fixed.  I am not happy or proud to be trans, but that is my reality.  My life is good, I am loved, I get by...but there is still just a hollow feeling that I cannot seem to shake...that we might call unhappiness.  I understand.  You just gotta keep on keeping on, man.
   

[MikeG500]

Thank you all for your answers, I will reply specifically to each when I can get online later tonight. By the way, just to be clear, I have been on testosterone for almost 5 years and have had surgery.

[Tysilio]

For all you smaller guys, I give you...  Naim Suleymanoglu, the Pocket Hercules. 




At 4'11" tall, he was a 3-time Olympic weightlifting champion (he competed in a 4th Olympics and didn't quite make it).  He's widely considered to be, pound for pound, the strongest man who has ever lived.

Here he is in action.

[MikeG500]

*hugs*

-stop concentrating on your flaws start to work with what you like. Expand it.

-a lot of gait and mannerism comes from within. If you feel like a man it will shine through. Work on that feeling ... feel yourself ... and be yourself.

-you could consider hormone therapy. It can lower voice, add facial hair growth and makes muscle buildup easier.

-if you look around you will find small men. An many of them have a lot of personality . Why ? Because they could not rely on outer features, but made up with inner features. Those are the people many women like to be with as partners ... imo ...


hugs

Thank you for the advice. I have been on T shots for almost 5 years now and had surgery. I am very outgoing and *seem* confident and have a lot of interests, but inside I still feel like crap. I feel an emptiness because I am constantly aware of the physical flaws I have and feel like everyone is constantly noticing it, but I don't show that I am bothered. It just eats me up inside.

Even with transition, many things won't change. It doesn't mean you'll never pass, but you need to learn to love your hands and feet because they're going to be with you for life.

I wish I knew what to say that would be encouraging, except that I lived through what you did at 20 and I survived and I'm still here. I found a women who didn't laugh at me. I'm on the autism spectrum too so that was doubly hard.

I hope you can find someone to talk to about your distress so it doesn't eat you up.

I am passed the point of any more physical changes, and I always pass ( I think). I should probably talk to a therapist.

It seems like you're having self esteem issues which are separate from your gender issues. It's common for men to be dissatisfied with how their bodies look seeing as we're constantly bombarbed with adverts which show how men 'should' look. Many men do not fit this criteria and yet they're still considered manly and handsome. It's probably best to see a therapist to talk through this. Otherwise you could develop body dysmorphia or an eating disorder.

I agree... Thank you for your advice.

People stare at me all the time. They should. I'm an incredibly handsome little guy.

Look, the hands and feet thing used to bug me, as did being short - I was the shortest person in my family (even my grandma had five inches on me) and I buy my shoes in the children's department. Still do, in fact. But I can't do much to change any of that. I mean, I can disguise my tiny feet with slightly bigger shoes, but that is about it.

Nothing wrong with being smaller. Tall guys have their problems too.

I wish I could feel the way you do. Maybe you could PM me on how you were able to come to accept this?

I have been feeling this lately as well.  After 5 years, I am still so disappointed in my body...  I have done a lot of work to try and build muscle and change my appearance, but I still look weird... small, skinny, and oddly proportioned for a guy. Testosterone has given me some changes, but not enough.  I am in my 40's and I look like I might be 29.  People really give me strange looks, which further intensifies my disappointment with this body.  Will I ever be happy?  Well, I have to consider the fact that I am much happier than I was while living my female life, so I guess that is progress, but I think I will ALWAYS have this dissatisfaction about my body.  It is just not right, and cannot be completely fixed.  I am not happy or proud to be trans, but that is my reality.  My life is good, I am loved, I get by...but there is still just a hollow feeling that I cannot seem to shake...that we might call unhappiness.  I understand.  You just gotta keep on keeping on, man.
   

I think you understand exactly how I feel. I know my life is good, I am loved, etc etc...but it just eats me up daily how much happier I would be if I would just be normal. It's like i'm not even asking to be good looking or tall or whatever, I really just want to be a normal looking guy. Even 5 years on I am constantly looking at other guys and comparing all the things I lack. I always feel like people are looking at my physical weirdness, like my hands, or my body shape. (I am not fat or skinny, just average) but my arms and legs are short. along with the other things I listed. So i'm not sure how to come to accept these things.

[Laura_7]

I think you understand exactly how I feel. I know my life is good, I am loved, etc etc...but it just eats me up daily how much happier I would be if I would just be normal. It's like i'm not even asking to be good looking or tall or whatever, I really just want to be a normal looking guy. Even 5 years on I am constantly looking at other guys and comparing all the things I lack. I always feel like people are looking at my physical weirdness, like my hands, or my body shape. (I am not fat or skinny, just average) but my arms and legs are short. along with the other things I listed. So i'm not sure how to come to accept these things.

Well imo its a few things ...
-  you might realize even cis men have parts they consider as flaws. Its not they are happy all over.

- you could concentrate on parts that give you joy. Feeling your body work during a walk ... feeling your muscles ... or during swimming ... just enjoying what your body can give, and expanding on that. Also consiously being in such moments and revisiting them for motivation. And doing more such things, which feel joyful.

- you seem to be sensitive to others. You could consciously look for what people find positive in you. I am sure most people like you. Concentrate on that, and build on that. Try to connect to what others like in you, and expand it. Try to relax ... just be in the moment and enjoy it. Its like a reflex to go to things you feel are flaws. Don't. Just be yourself, in the moment, look for what you have in common and expand on that.

Imo its like a trained response and it can be untrained. Just looking for common positive things, and being yourself and in the moment.


hugs

[MikeG500]

Well imo its a few things ...
-  you might realize even cis men have parts they consider as flaws. Its not they are happy all over.

- you could concentrate on parts that give you joy. Feeling your body work during a walk ... feeling your muscles ... or during swimming ... just enjoying what your body can give, and expanding on that. Also consiously being in such moments and revisiting them for motivation. And doing more such things, which feel joyful.

- you seem to be sensitive to others. You could consciously look for what people find positive in you. I am sure most people like you. Concentrate on that, and build on that. Try to connect to what others like in you, and expand it. Try to relax ... just be in the moment and enjoy it. Its like a reflex to go to things you feel are flaws. Don't. Just be yourself, in the moment, look for what you have in common and expand on that.

Imo its like a trained response and it can be untrained. Just looking for common positive things, and being yourself and in the moment.


hugs

Thanks...that was actually a pretty helpful response. I believe in being able to train the mind as well. I am at a point in my life where I can no longer push away these thoughts and feelings. I really want to move to a new point. I need to accept the things I can't change but also train my mind to be okay with them somehow.

[Kylo]

Everybody often wants to be validated and approved of by others, but in my own search for some modicum of peace I've found that you don't really need to emulate other people to the letter and you definitely do not need their external validation to be happy to exist. The very best position, imo, to be in is to understand that you are male, to be as minimally accepted as you need to be to function in society, but to be self-actualized and independent of the crowd. People become depressed quite often because the expectations of the crowd become their expectation of themselves, or else they can come to assume the crowd is somehow by default happy and they are not, therefore they ought to be more like the crowd...

If you were in a relationship with someone who was accepting of your perceived flaws, would that make you feel better about those perceived flaws? Are you not simply just lonely? It sounds to me like you might be so, and worrying about your attractiveness to others because of it.

Impressing women is another matter, they often have specific criteria to be met, but one thing males do have in their favor is that if they work hard to better themselves and improve their social standing, status and income first, they can often have an easier time of that particular game. Those who worry about relationships before trying this - and I've seen it first hand - can run into problems because even if they are physically attractive people, they don't necessarily have the stability that is also attractive to a potential mate. Guys with stable jobs and good incomes don't tend to struggle as much with dating, particularly with 25-30 something ladies.

If I were you and my goals were to find someone, I'd work on my income and standing because with that I have plenty of prospects, including romantic. I would work on that first, and focus on other things later, which should follow if I put the work in. There's plenty of guys in the world who are small, but they are no less desirable if they have other things to bring to the table. Everyone must accept to some degree aspects of the body they have. I also have small hands - sucks when I'm trying to play keyboards. If someone says I have girly hands I'd agree with them - I do, but they're just hands. I really doubt your hands will be a deal breaker.

But actually I'm more at the stage in life where I want to do what you are doing; I have had two serious long-term relationships where were extremely draining and difficult; I'd like nothing more than up and go round the world without those constraints... in fact I'm working on Asian languages myself so I can do just that. I probably am a little too late to make it work, but what the hell, I'm gonna go for it anyway.

[WorkingOnThomas]

I wish I could feel the way you do. Maybe you could PM me on how you were able to come to accept this?

It's no big secret, I just realised that no matter what, I'm the height that I am, and my hands and feet will always be small (even for a girl, let alone a guy). BUT that doesn't make me less of a man. It just means that I'm a small guy. And I was always small to start with compared to the extremely large people in my family (my sister is well over 6 feet wears a size 13 shoe - so she's got her own problems!)  so maybe that made it easier to accept. I grew up thinking of myself as short in general, and the only time it really got to me was when I was getting packed again and again by my siblings in basketball games. Now it's just an issue when I'm trying to get shirts that don't have the cuffs sliding down over my hands, or having to get my pants tailored so I'm not walking on the cuffs. That's about it. Slightly inconvenient, but not a big thing in my own view of the world.

Seeing myself as a good looking guy took time, but not as much as I thought it would. Started the day after I came out to everyone and caught myself in the mirror. Always before that, all I saw was an extremely ugly girl, with crap hair and a bad makeup job. But that first time after coming out, I saw well, not such a bad looking dude. And it's only gotten better from there on out. I still have a lot of body issues but that's mostly tied to my chest and downstairs. And those aren't visible in the mirror, and with the right binder no one sees the chest anymore unless they look really hard for it. i get kind of paranoid about that, but I know it is temporary. They'll be gone sooner or later, and that will be that. 

And as other posters have already pointed out, cis guys have stuff about their bodies that they don't like either. That's just part of being human and living in a society that places so much emphasis on outer appearances.

Edited to add: when I first started to transition, I thought my love life was going to go swirling down the loo because of the whole being a 'little guy' thing, that they wouldn't see me as a potential romantic partner. And yeah, some ladies I've been attracted to have not returned my interest, seeing me only as potential friend/little brother material. BUT others have returned my interest. And I get the best results when I act confident about myself. Not conceited, but just, you know, confident. That's hard because I'm actually pretty shy. But I've found ways around that.

[Mr.X]

Hey man. Just letting you know you're not alone in this. I've been three years on T and had the surgeries (aside from bottom surgery) and am facing the same issues. I'm also the shortest of my entire family, and on top of that, used to live in the land of giants: The Netherlands. Being 6 foot is average or even a bit short for a guy there! I'm only 5'1, so yeah...Very, very unlucky.

It used to bug me a lot. And I also had the feeling people never take me seriously because of my height. And having small hands and feet made me worry too. They see a manboy, not a man. But I got tired of focusing on that. You know what? Because you are so short, people may just go like ' oh, well, that guy has small hands and feet but that's probably because he's short'. I figured that people don't immediately think you are trans or something. They just might notice it, and then move on. No big deal.

I also try to focus on the things I do have, instead of the things I don't have. We got lucky enough that we can transition. We are getting T, we had surgeries. Good stuff, right? We can move around, travel and enjoy our lives. I know this is getting old, but do really try to look at people who can not even do that. Is having something cosmetically wrong with you really such a big deal then?

This doesn't mean I don't wish I could be taller, or more masculine or whatever. But it puts things in perspective, and that helps a little.

[arice]

I'm sorry you are going through a rough time. Honestly, what you are describing sounds like more than just body and self esteem issues. You sound like you are depressed enough that you should seek medical treatment (therapy and/or medication). Getting the depression under control might help you get to a place where you can address your specific body issues without being overwhelmed.



Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk

[MikeG500]

Everybody often wants to be validated and approved of by others, but in my own search for some modicum of peace I've found that you don't really need to emulate other people to the letter and you definitely do not need their external validation to be happy to exist. The very best position, imo, to be in is to understand that you are male, to be as minimally accepted as you need to be to function in society, but to be self-actualized and independent of the crowd. People become depressed quite often because the expectations of the crowd become their expectation of themselves, or else they can come to assume the crowd is somehow by default happy and they are not, therefore they ought to be more like the crowd...

I really like what you said here. It's something I've been trying to figure out and explore. You wrote it out well... I hope this is something I can achieve and it can give me some peace. 
In terms of your loneliness question, I don't think i'm lonely, maybe I am but I am just in denial about it. I have good friends, and I don't think people NEED romantic companionship to NOT feel lonely. But i'm not sure.
Also, it's never too late to go explore the world. Which Asian languages are you working on? I'd recommend one at a time haha.

WorkingOnThomas:
Thanks for your advice. I hope I can achieve your feeling of comfort with what you have. Outwardly I act very confident, and I can talk to women and make them laugh, etc. But I never make a move and always get the vibe that they just see me as a little brother or friend because of my size. But I guess this is just something I need to change my mindset about.

Mr X.:
It's good (and bad) to hear that you understand my feelings. Must be rough being in the Netherlands... I know what you mean about being tired of focusing on it. I am very tired of focusing on it, but for some reason, everytime I try to focus on something else, I get this feeling I am just in denial. I also have tried to methods of thinking of people worse off than me, like people who can't walk or have bad medical conditions...It does make me feel better sometimes, to know that I am able to walk and talk and see and do anything I want without assistance. I REALLY would like to be able to think "Man, I can walk and have no serious medical conditions, I am very grateful and happy". I really want to...But for some reason, it is always just temporary. I need to be able to have this be a permanent gratefulness and feeling that things are okay.

arice:
You may be right. I mean I know there are many times in my life I have been depressed. I personally don't beleive in medication to treat depression, because I think it's just an artificial feeling of happiness, but my problems will still exist underneath. (Just my opinion, i'm sure it works for some). I did go to therapy before, for transition, and it was nice. Maybe it could help me now. I'll have to wait until I get back to the US.

[Laura_7]

I did go to therapy before, for transition, and it was nice. Maybe it could help me now. I'll have to wait until I get back to the US.

There are online therapists:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html


hugs

[Kylo]

I really like what you said here. It's something I've been trying to figure out and explore. You wrote it out well... I hope this is something I can achieve and it can give me some peace.

I am sure you can; if you are determined to root out the source of your unhappiness and rationalize it to some degree you can put it into perspective against other things. Perspective has been a helpful thing in my life, I've traveled a lot myself and seen a few things and amazing places, talked to many people, and I find that with that experience I'm far less dysphoric these days. It doesn't remove the source of the problem completely of course, but a great deal of the dysphoria I felt before doing these things has passed on now. I understand what are pressing problems and which are more cosmetic issues or just gripes that I have with myself. I accept that some things I will never be happy about, but that life can still be lived because there's lots of things to do and achieve regardless. I also think that - as people - these days we tend to assume we should always be 100% happy all of the time and 100% satisfied with ourselves. I don't think that's a realistic thing to hope for, there will be ups and downs in life and 100% total satisfaction does feel unattainable for me, but it really does help to have creative projects, distractions, new experiences for extra perspective etc. to lessen the burden of the dysphoria. The more time I spend enclosed in a room and not out there doing and seeing new things, the more easy it becomes, I find, to turn inward upon yourself and find dissatisfaction staring you in the face every day. 
 

In terms of your loneliness question, I don't think i'm lonely, maybe I am but I am just in denial about it. I have good friends, and I don't think people NEED romantic companionship to NOT feel lonely. But i'm not sure.

I think there's a difference between loneliness and solitude... loneliness is a malaise but solitude can be necessary. But if you don't think so, do you think you want this female attention to validate your maleness? I'm not sure we can ever know what's in a person's head and if they are truly validating us, so I don't worry too much about external validation. Many men do seem to measure their value by how much female attention they get, but... I tend to bypass that completely and see myself as the most important validator. I'm probably the worst too - since I have high standards and applying them can make me miserable at times - but the trade off is that I only need to reach my own bar, not everyone else's. I've always been searching for the shortcut to inner peace - and I'm sure it's got a lot to do with not requiring external approval to feel right. The tough part is getting to that stage. For me it took a few years of observation of others and hard work at trying to reach what I felt was the most important thing a person should have - which for me is moral substance, and a willingness to work at their faults as best they can. I've become less preoccupied with my appearance since, and even with pronouns.

Also, it's never too late to go explore the world. Which Asian languages are you working on? I'd recommend one at a time haha.

Indeed, never too late. Currently I'm studying Japanese but in the past I studied Cantonese. Despite the vast differences between them both, the more Hanzi or Kanji I add to my knowledge the more similarities I see in the written aspects. Maybe I'm just fascinated with the development / etymology of the Hanzi and how the radicals and common themes relate in different words. It seems to me like a window into the early human thought process of association.

[invisiblemonsters]

if you bring your insecurities to other peoples attention, that is all they will notice and comment on because they know it bugs you. i'm short, but i don't let it get to me. i'm going to school to be a firefighter, i definitely know i am not tall compared to others but i also definitely know i can do what they can because i have proven myself time and time again. i might have to work a little harder, but who cares? being confident will change your world. you can be such a great person, funny, nice, whatever but none of that will matter if you feel sorry for yourself and don't have confidence. you will see guys complain about the "friend zone" and how "jerks" get women. you know why they do? confidence. they show they want the girl, and they go after it. that's how it works. if you don't, of course you can be a great person but they won't see you as anything other then a friend because you aren't initiating it and being confident about it. you're letting your insecurities get the better of you. it has taken me 25 years to accept myself, and i still am so i get it is difficult but the more you don't let your insecurities get to you, the better off you will be. there will always be people who are taller, better looking, etc. but you will also have traits they don't have, so you should focus on those, not your flaws.

i also work with other short guys, no one says anything about any of our heights because none of us let it bug us. it really isn't a deciding factor for a lot of things in life if you're short, or have small hands, or whatever else. women do not care about that stuff either, especially at a certain age. i've never had issues with women, and i have always dated taller women (5'7"+) so i know it's possible and so do others. some people have preferences but i think when you just click with someone, that kinda stuff ends up not mattering but sometimes it does because it contributes to that physical attraction but then you gotta just get over it and move on.

[MikeG500]

I am sure you can; if you are determined to root out the source of your unhappiness and rationalize it to some degree you can put it into perspective against other things. Perspective has been a helpful thing in my life, I've traveled a lot myself and seen a few things and amazing places, talked to many people, and I find that with that experience I'm far less dysphoric these days. It doesn't remove the source of the problem completely of course, but a great deal of the dysphoria I felt before doing these things has passed on now. I understand what are pressing problems and which are more cosmetic issues or just gripes that I have with myself. I accept that some things I will never be happy about, but that life can still be lived because there's lots of things to do and achieve regardless. I also think that - as people - these days we tend to assume we should always be 100% happy all of the time and 100% satisfied with ourselves. I don't think that's a realistic thing to hope for, there will be ups and downs in life and 100% total satisfaction does feel unattainable for me, but it really does help to have creative projects, distractions, new experiences for extra perspective etc. to lessen the burden of the dysphoria. The more time I spend enclosed in a room and not out there doing and seeing new things, the more easy it becomes, I find, to turn inward upon yourself and find dissatisfaction staring you in the face every day. 

It's like, I get to a point where I feel like i'm okay, and focusing on a project, or travel, or just accomplishing my goals/doing exciting things, and then I just look at myself in the mirror or just see my arms/hands on the table or holding the rail on the bus. For some reason I have extra short arms and small hands, and combined it looks like a child. Really. I mean... I know this is what I just have to accept and not let other people validate for me, but I can't even validate it myself or accept it. It's just strange looking. And I always feel like people initially don't respect me, no matter how accomplished or confident I am, because of this. They might after they get to know me.. maybe.

Anyways, <not allowed>, i'm just mad that I was born with these genes. It's like I just want to look like a damn adult. Its that simple. I don't even look like a super short guy, I am a short guy, but I just have odd proportions that make certain parts of me look like a kid. It's just bad. And Blah, I was okay, but now i'm not. Sorry for this ramble.

Indeed, never too late. Currently I'm studying Japanese but in the past I studied Cantonese. Despite the vast differences between them both, the more Hanzi or Kanji I add to my knowledge the more similarities I see in the written aspects. Maybe I'm just fascinated with the development / etymology of the Hanzi and how the radicals and common themes relate in different words. It seems to me like a window into the early human thought process of association.

Why did you pick to study Cantonese? Mandarin is more useful and widely spoken. Just curious. Yeah Japanese characters come from a lot of the same Chinese characters. I would love to learn Japanese, but one language at a time for me haha.

if you bring your insecurities to other peoples attention, that is all they will notice and comment on because they know it bugs you. i'm short, but i don't let it get to me. i'm going to school to be a firefighter, i definitely know i am not tall compared to others but i also definitely know i can do what they can because i have proven myself time and time again. i might have to work a little harder, but who cares? being confident will change your world. you can be such a great person, funny, nice, whatever but none of that will matter if you feel sorry for yourself and don't have confidence. you will see guys complain about the "friend zone" and how "jerks" get women. you know why they do? confidence. they show they want the girl, and they go after it. that's how it works. if you don't, of course you can be a great person but they won't see you as anything other then a friend because you aren't initiating it and being confident about it. you're letting your insecurities get the better of you. it has taken me 25 years to accept myself, and i still am so i get it is difficult but the more you don't let your insecurities get to you, the better off you will be. there will always be people who are taller, better looking, etc. but you will also have traits they don't have, so you should focus on those, not your flaws.

i also work with other short guys, no one says anything about any of our heights because none of us let it bug us. it really isn't a deciding factor for a lot of things in life if you're short, or have small hands, or whatever else. women do not care about that stuff either, especially at a certain age. i've never had issues with women, and i have always dated taller women (5'7"+) so i know it's possible and so do others. some people have preferences but i think when you just click with someone, that kinda stuff ends up not mattering but sometimes it does because it contributes to that physical attraction but then you gotta just get over it and move on.

Thanks for your reply. I don't ever actually bring any of my insecurities to people's attention. I would never want to talk about my short arms or small hands or height. I just keep it to myself and hate every second of it. But it's all internal. Externally, I am pretty confident, outgoing, and friendly. But I do get the feeling that people look down on me/don't respect me as much because of the height/odd arm/hand size, making me look sort of like a kid. It's annoying, but I ignore it. It's just really internal hate and sorrow. (But I don't really believe I am making up the feeling that people respect me less or look at me oddly sometimes).


It feels like, no matter how much I accomplish, even if I had the greatest personality in the world, etc etc, it doesn't even matter because of the way I look. (No i'm not talking about ugly). Just look like a kid with my odd proportions. Even if, I could accept that I don't need others external validation, I don't think I could ever give myself any validation because I hate it.