Introduction from a confused person

[Mallory!]

Hello, I've never done this before but I feel I've reached a crisis point. I'm mid fifties, married 32 years, two grown children, and built like a football linebacker to boot.

Anyway, I've had an attraction to women's underwear and clothing my my whole life,not in a sexual way but admiring them. I first tried on my wife's panties and bra after we were married. It was an extremely stressful time as I was in grad school. The moment I put them on I felt relief from my stress very peaceful. I was not sexually excited and didn't masturbate.

This behavior has continued during stressful times. I have purchased my own panties and bra. I wear them when I am alone and many days under my suit. I find myself wanting to do more, makeup nails ,hair removal (which I have done once or twice and played it off to my wife.

I have a case of gynecomastia from medications and absolutely love my breasts. when the doctor and my wife suggested plastic surgery to remove them I vetoed that idea.

My question is what am I? I'm very confused There is so much more I could say and will answer questions . I love my wife and don't want to hurt her..but the secrecy and sneaking around are causing me stress in and of   itself. Please help

[Laura_7]

Hello and welcome 

This is a resource by a reputable source, the british National Health Service:
http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf

There are studies showing being transgender has biological connections, to do with brain development before birth. There are differences in brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible, in various stages. Imo thats why there is a transgender spectrum, i.e. from crossdressers to people wanting to transition.

So its how people really feel, its nobodys fault, and its nothing to be ashamed of. It might help with self acceptance, and it might help cis peole understand. Transgender people have been around in all cultures... it simply is how people feel.
Apart from gender issues transgender people are people like everbody else, with normal needs and cravings.

You could aks for counseling with a gender therapist to help you find out what you want...

here are a few more resources:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188309.msg1674885.html#msg1674885

and there are also online therapists.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html


hugs

[Mallory!]

Thank you for your reply. I guess I just am questioning what I am. To the outside world I am a total alpha male, Strong ,confident,successful,but inside me not so much. I recently began counseling when my stress levels caused me to have anxiety attacks. I've done counseling before but never was honest about everything. There were some things I felt I needed to change, and decided to be 100% honest .

For starters I revealed I had been sexually abused by two older boys when I was preteen. I never told anyone and just tried to "man up " and deal with it. Obviously, my therapist says I have PTSD. I'm not telling this as a way to explain this I don't believe the abuse has anything to do with me wearing underwear. Anyway, shortly after I recounted this I said I need to tell you something else.Then i told her about dressing. I told her I wore women's underwear,I said I've never done makeup ,nails,or fully dressed. She looked at me and said "it's ok". and then asked me are those things something you would like to explore further? I immediately said yes although I swear I had never really thought much about that. What does this all mean for me?
Where do I go from here?

Sorry I've been so long but I'm literally putting this out there for the first time ever. Advice thoughts. There is s much more.

[Violets]

Hi Mallory!, welcome to our large and diverse family!

As Laura has already mentioned, there's a whole spectrum of transgender persons. From what you've described, you may be a crossdresser, but perhaps it's something more. It's worth noting that it's a fallacy that all crossdressers are fetishistic, because they simply are not.

If your feelings are causing you distress, I'd recommend seeing a therapist who has a sound knowledge of transgender people. However, if your feelings aren't causing you distress (ie. due to gender dysphoria, not due to secrecy), perhaps you could post in our section for crossdressers and compare notes?

Either way, there are so many people here that are more than willing to share their knowledge and experiences with you. You are most welcome here!

[Laura_7]

This is a forum where its supposed to be anonymous if you like and you can talk.
Its ok and many people had similar experiences.

Imo many people grew up and felt who they really are. Then someone came along and told them they have to be a boy (or a girl).
Some people even try to overfulfill gender roles. Many at some point find out its not them.
Many transgender people often are also sensitive to others expectations and try to adapt.

As said there are biological differences, due to various transmitter substances before birth.
So a mismatch is possible.
The usual remedy is to adapt the body to how people feel.

As said its just a way people are. And apart fom gender issues, transgender people have normal cravings and needs like everyone else.

You might simply explore. Trying different clothes ... second hand stores can be a good source for womens clothes ...
as you said trying makeup etc ...
and see how it makes you feel.

Some people imagine themselves as females during intercourse.
Some people imagine themselves having a female body.

As said its a transgender spectrum, and you may think about what you feel would make you happy.

Here is a vid with further thoughts:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfXQxn98Q6I&feature=youtu.be
There are other experienced gender therapists ....
and experienced online therapists ...

You could talk all of this through with an experienced gender therapist, or with your therapist, if she feels she is educated for this.


hugs

[Selena]

Welcome Mallory, Im new here myself. Thanks everyone for all this great info, it was very helpful to me as well

[Laura_7]

Welcome Mallory, Im new here myself. Thanks everyone for all this great info, it was very helpful to me as well

You can spread the info ... and you can use it for cis people to explain. (cis= not trans)


hugs

[V M]

Hi Mallory 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here's a few quick links to help you along

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Hugs

V M

[Jacqueline]

Mallory,

Welcome to the site. While everyone's story is different, there are a lot of similarities in your's  to many members here. You have received some great advice and suggestions already. I would say you are very likely on the trans spectrum. Many of us think of it another way, if you wonder if you are transgender(or visit this site for yourself not someone else), you probably are. Most Cis people don't question their gender identity.

I greatly encourage you to try to find a gender specialist therapist. They can help you find your way through this maze. When I started really tracking this down(last year, at 50) I was married for 25 years with three teen daughters and a long history of dressing like you described. When I started, I thought I was a cross dresser. However, there are subtle differences among the different places along the spectrum. After 3 months, I came to the conclusion that I am MTF. This is just to show you we all have similarities and differences.



Once again, welcome to Susan's. Feel free to keep asking questions and join in. I hope you find what you are looking for.

With warmth,

Joanna