Help!!!! It's dark again.

[AshleyMichelle]

What pulls you out of it. When nothing seems to be possible. The only plausible outcome is the worst. I know it's the worst but is feels to the best.

I mean I've been doing the HRT, the depression got better, and then slowly crept back. Now everything seems against me again. AGAIN THE DARK IS EVERYWHERE. so please what pulls you out. How can I. Please!!! It's taken everything just to post this.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. The only thing I found was continuing to move forward in my transition. Getting closer to the day when you go full time and become yourself. You haven't indicated where you are but if your only action has been therapy and HRT, you can start looking at hair styles, clothing, makeup and the other tasks you need to walk out the door. I assume you are MTF and if so, you should have your Endo verify the your T levels are under control with the blockers because if they aren't low enough, that could be part of the problem. Keep yourself busy as much as possible and if you don't have anything to do, spend you time learning what you need on this site.

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[AshleyMichelle]

Few months into hrt, second blood test supposed to be on 20th. Everything seems so far away if not impossible. Everything in life is extremely difficult. 33 mtf, wife and kids, divorcing, moved out, and everyone is angry for my "decision". My anger and depression come in waves and dissipated completely after 2weeks into hrt. Now slowly coming back and tonight after a convo with wife it's hard to see any positives going forward anymore. It's just so dark.

I used to be AshleyE on this forum.

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[Athena]

What I do is, I just try to wake up tomorrow morning. If I can do that then it is a victory. Don't take on too much just try to make it till the next day.

[AshleyMichelle]

Yes, make it through today. I'll just try to get to sleep.

I'm sorry for this dark thread. You can delete it.

I'm just really scared right now because I don't see the positive in the future. Everything is just dark. Hrt was supposed to make everything better, and easier to deal with. And I love that I don't have anger but I'm so emotional now. I feel things so much more. Its painful. And the dark is so much worse. I think anti depressants would be good. It's just now all I have to look forward to is ffs I can't go out as me, it's horrible and I'm so self conscious. So that's got me down, my work doesn't want me to come out, there as legally supporting as they have to be but discouraging at the same time. My wife hates how I stole the rest of her life from her, I can even afford electrolysis how am I too afford Ffs and GRS. And getting to that point t is sooo far off and so out of reality, and I feel even after all that I won't come close to passing, its just so discouraging. So at the point after saving and spending a life savings I'm looking back and I'm still not happy, was it worth it? Hell no, so what's the use. And the spiral continues!! Further down the hole I go into the dark with no hope or happiness....

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[Dena]

Actually I am up to 3 user ID's for you. In the future if you wish, we will do two name changes a year for you. It makes it much easer to understand you if all your post are on a single user so we can answer some of our questions without asking the same questions again.

As for the depression, we all face it. HRT will not make it all go away and it only alters the transgender feeling. Possibly AD would help you with the rest of the issues in your life and maybe you should discuss that with your therapist. I spent 8 years from coming out to surgery and without blockers, I lived with the transgender feeling most of that time. There was a future waiting for me and it was worth it. I understand that you can't see it but it's there.

You are young and starting much earlier than me I didn't come out until I was 23. After that, I was broke more than once with the last time being age 35. Still with all that, I paid off all the money I owed and put away retirement money in addition to owning my house free and clear. Life doesn't always go according to plan and given time, like me, you will recover and have a future.

[AshleyMichelle]

Yeah if like to defend the whole name change, but in the end it was the phone that kept reverting back to old settings. I'm pretty techy so I'm not sure what what causing it so I created a new email and on the end just a whole new account. I hated see my first user tag. I'm really sorry for all the names and confusion and any added difficulty. I really tried.

Thank you for the advice to just get to sleep. I was able to. I've told my therapist at 3 separate sessions that I need AD and I'm suicidal. She always pushes it off and tries to teach coping skills that are obviously not working. I need a new one and it was difficult enough finding her, so now I'm running that battle also.

I'll continue this later, gotta get ready for work. just wanted to let everyone concerned know I'm still alive and not hanging in the shed or something. Thank you for getting me to this morning!!!

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[amberwaves]

I managed to get antidepressants through my primary care doctor.  My therapist and I work on the coping and CBT stuff. So that is another possible way to go about things if your therapist is unresponsive.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Try seeing a psychiatrist for meds or, as amberwaves suggested, your primary care physician. Not every therapist can prescribe meds. For depression a combination of meds and talk therapy (such as CBT) is best. Meds alone can be dangerous if you're severely depressed.

I've been lucky enough to get care in recent years through a teaching hospital. Loads of red tape annoyances but the quality of care is good.