From Happiness To Despair

[lindagrl]

i don't know what to do now.  It's like i'm on some hellish roller coaster ride, one hour i'm happy as can be,
the next i'm shot to pieces.

Been married almost 12 years.  My feminine side came out from the start but slowly at first and then gathered
momentum and now i am at the doorstep of the house of HRT.  She is emotionally closed, has problems talking
about how she feels.  A fight at our house is me having a monologue between begging for or demanding her input
while she dries her eyes with tissue.  She cries when she is angry, cries when she is hurt and i can't tell the diff.
She's like Mandarin to me, a mystery.  We have always been very much in love and me being the complicated
person i am and probably a huge pain in the ass often i have refrained from making a big issue out of our
lack of communication and that was my mistake.  i need her like never before and she can't be bothered.
Can't get any feedback from her on the issue whatsoever, except when she mumbled "it's too much" just
earlier.  i wish she would have uttered those words 18 months ago.

Today i went to see my gender therapist, the first of 8 appointments and the second time i go to her.
My wife came up in the discussion and i described how things are, that she doesn't want to hear anything
about how i am feeling, what i am going through or even what's next, but when i repeatedly ask her if it's
okay if i go on hormones she says yes.  It was during my discussion with my T that i realized that i can't do this.
i have nobody to bounce things back and forth with except you wonderful people here and although that is
invaluable to me, it cannot replace human face to face contact from my cherished one. 

For some reason the person i had first contacted here, the vice foreman of the trans society won't take my calls,
is freezing me out.  i did cry and complain here when i was starting about how i felt there wasn't much support within that group and maybe that's it, she read it and got mad and now i'm  really on my own.  i don't dare show up
there for their monthly meeting but T said i should. 

We are at crisis point here this evening.  i want a decision from my wife and sooner rather than later,
is she going to do this thing with me or am i going to cancel it and we somehow try and make that work.
i suggested a third professional party of some kind to help us through this but no response.

Sorry what a mess i am, someone please tell me there's a way through this
i don't want to lose my family.

[Laura_7]

I'd say don't try to force it.

This could be a happy way to go.
You probably feel better with womeans clothes, with the image of you as a woman.

This all is a step by step process ... its not done in a few days. HRT usually starts out with a low dose. So there can be plenty of time to get used to it, and for your wife to get used to it too.
You might tell that your wife. You may give her a few materials to read, showing there is a biological connection to being transgender, so its not just a whim.

Well she says its a lot for her. So she needs some kind of reasssurance. You might tell her you do this together.

Concerning yourself I'd say try to look for stability.
Try to avoid things that could cause you stress, try to sleep well, try to have regular exercises, try to make a few breaks throughout the day.

You might ask your therapist for stress relief techniques.

Do you have some friends you can talk to ?

There are also helplines:
www.translifeline.org


hugs

[lindagrl]

Laura, thank you for responding.
We are going to try this, after hugs, tears, silence, sighs and kisses it was decided
and we are going to talk and let the other one know if there is an issue.
It will be difficult for her, so i have understanding that it's tough at first and maybe longer.
Swimming starting tomorrow 4 times a week both of us, she needs it too and we live close to the pool.
That was before i came and checked here, so i do know something already it seems.

Looking at my rant above i just want to thank you for your measured calm response,
i must come off as a lunatic sometimes.
Hugs
Linda

[Laura_7]

Well I'd say try to avoid the rollercoaster and too much pressure.

Yes, talk to each other. Try to reassure each other.


*hugs*

[lindagrl]

ty *hugs*

[RobynD]

Isolation is always hard. My own spouse and i have gone through times like that where one just shuts the other out and it never helps either person. In addition to the great advice Laura has given i would add the following.

All relationships are subject to change and need compromise. Always seeking common ground is a great strategy and then figure out things that your spouse needs from you, that you may have not been delivering and work on that. In a way you are helping the entire relationship by giving more of yourself to make up for whatever taking the change in you has caused.

For us it was my effort to focus on changing a parenting style and contributing more to the upkeep of the house, so she could have more free time. She saw my effort in that area and it brought us closer to one another, which helped her to better support my transition. Its an elaborate dance at times but it is beautiful too.

[lindagrl]

Hi Robyn,

It's just i've been dealing with so many things and find it stressful.  i was sexually assaulted two years ago
and the guy lives in the building and is always bothering me.  My father died just over a month ago and it's
been much harder on me than i thought it would be.  A news forum i have been a member of for 12 years
had a discussion about transgender people and there was an appalling amount of hate filled ignorance being
hurled about.  After many months of no posts from me i decided this needed answering.  When the most offensive
of the posters replied with more of the same i came out on the site introduced myself as Linda and told him what
i think of him.  this was yesterday and i have now decided to leave that site.  Was looking for an excuse to do it really.
i don't think i will be taking part in any such discussions again though, there is no point, the blind will not see
and it just upsets me.

The advice i have gotten from the ladies is excellent and i really should have increased my exercise without
being told to do so.  i use poetry as a form of therapy, it helps.

My wife read the thread with me just earlier and nodded her head.  She wants me to take greater part
in the house work and so i will.  Just happy to get some feedback from her.
You advice is sensible, i shall follow it.

Thank you for taking the time Robyn

[Cindy]

Hugs Hon,

I had to stay in school with the things that raped me.

Until you are strong you pick your fights. When you are suffering from PTSD (as you probably are)  you may only feel hurt. Sometimes we need to walk away, not because we are cowards but because we are fragile, even if we do not know it.

I agree with Robyn, we need to communicate and share, and not all communication is talk. We communicate by our actions, our changed perspective does more communication than sitting down with a beer and saying 'I'm a woman, treat me as one'. I know you don't but I'm just putting forward the obvious, and sometimes the not too obvious.

One comment I got was, 'You like all the fun of being a woman and yet you don't appreciate the dark times, our periods - times we feel like crap but have to keep going, our frustration with doing it all, our feeding you, looking after you, the insulting comments we get, the unwanted pick ups. Until you know what it is to be a woman you don't know anything except liking a pretty clothes.'

Some truth in that?

[lindagrl]

Hugs Cindy,

Sorry about what happened to you. It's comforting to know i am understood.
It's true, i need to know my limits and avoid stressful scenes.

The last part of your reply was hard to swallow at first.
i like to think i have come some way and that my behavior in the house and out
has changed much.  It's much more than just the clothes to me, i am coming
out of a shell and discovering me and feeling how true it is.
i find the statement harsh but yes there is some truth in it i suppose.

[Cindy]

Hugs Cindy,

Sorry about what happened to you. It's comforting to know i am understood.
It's true, i need to know my limits and avoid stressful scenes.

The last part of your reply was hard to swallow at first.
i like to think i have come some way and that my behavior in the house and out
has changed much.  It's much more than just the clothes to me, i am coming
out of a shell and discovering me and feeling how true it is.
i find the statement harsh but yes there is some truth in it i suppose.

I did not mean it harshly!

In fact you made me reflect. Maybe my reflection said more about me than anyone else?

[lindagrl]

I did not mean it harshly!

In fact you made me reflect. Maybe my reflection said more about me than anyone else?

i just can't wait to start on the hormones, i guess is what i am saying.
If your comment was hurtful than it must be because there is some truth in it.
You made me think and that's good.
i know you didn't mean it harshly Cindy, i meant no disrespect and apologize
if i worded my thoughts clumsily.