Jean24,
I got up in the middle of the night(my time) and saw and read through this thread. I thought I would not post here. Partly because I am pretty newly active here and don't have a vast experience but also because you and I have very little in common(outside of being transgender and both joining this site). You have been on the path longer than I have; you are about half my age; I have never been in the military...
The main thing we have in common is true of everyone that has posted in this thread(except maybe Tessa James & Meowt- I only put them as exceptions because I don't know whether they have or not). We have all been on the very edge of suicide. Same as you. I am early enough that I don't have an inspiring story to help you along. I am not so far from that ledge myself. I might try to talk you out of it but more in a reaching out to a sibling in this condition we share. I think that is part of the root of what all these people who are reaching out to you is similarly about.
I don't think anyone is trying to deny you anything nor label you as troll. I don't think there is self righteous motivation behind any of the replies. They are just doing what feels right for them. As are you. However, it does feel as if you are lashing out at others for doing that.
Meowt passed along the information about countries and states have legal, doctor assisted suicide. That is what we are talking about. I looked some of the stipulations over. At the very least they require access to doctors but that the patient be competent which suggests they have to be under the supervision of some sort of psychologist or mental health professional. It will take a while. Speaking of which, are you currently visiting a therapist? If so, have you brought this up to them?
I am going to be bluntly honest. I think all of us know what would have set us off to get to the same point. However, I think we are trying to find out what brought you to this place. Most transgender people don't just want to end their life. There is more to it than that. They were trying to get to the root of it and help you move beyond that. I understand you are tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying(maybe), tired of the looks or comments(maybe), possibly angry. So many, complex, exhaustive possibilities. I am so sorry you feel that hopeless right now.
I guess that is the point of this rambling post. Our posts are not to thwart you. They are not to deny you. They are not to choose for you. Our posts just show that we have not run out of hope for ourselves or you yet. There is room for you here and you are not alone. Even among strangers and people with whom you have little in common. That little you have in common with us is huge. It makes us family. I am a little embarrassed to include this paraphrase because it is from a SciFi TV show. "When you can't run, you crawl. When you can't crawl, you find someone to carry you."
I hope you get some rest and some relief from the things that are plaguing you. I also hope you reach out again.
Sincerely,
Joanna
