Sense of terror, agitation

[Asche]

I've noticed over the past few days that I have a harder time focussing, and this morning I had this feeling that I'm afraid.  I think I'm actually terrified, but I'm using my usual defense mechanism of repressing it, so I just feel generally anxious.  But it's not working very well.

I'm partway into my transition, on HRT for around 6 months, come out in most of the places I spend time in outside of work, and everyone has been supportive.  My current plan is to go full-time (i.e., also at work) by the end of 2016.  I'm starting to face the idea of actually trying to be seen as female, but I'm not confident I'll look like anything but an old geezer trying to dress up as a woman.

I'm terrified.  What I'm aware of is the feeling that I'm not ready, that I'll never manage to do the practical stuff I need to do -- basic make-up, suitable clothes, etc. -- in time.  That the whole thing is going to turn into a fiasco.  I can't go back, though; it would be like climbing back onto a sinking ship.  I keep thinking: I'm jumping out of a plane with no parachute, and the other people are Supergirl or Super-whatever, but I'm not: they fly but I'll just fall.  Only I won't exactly die when I hit the ground, I'll just lie smashed and forever trapped in the ruins of my life.

At work, I'm have enormous problems concentrating.  I have this uncontrollable urge to find stuff to distract me -- anything at all.  (It doesn't help that right now the top priority at work is something where my immediate coworkers and I really can't do all that much, but we're expected to devote all our attention to it.)  I've also been aware for several months that I really want to come out, even though the practical side of coming out to my company is nowhere near ready.  But each day, it gets harder.  Whenever I'm not concentrating on work, my mind keeps cooking up scenarios where I let something slip which ends up outing me.  But every day, when I ride the elevators at work with their shiny doors in which I can see my all too aging male figure and face, I can see how unconvincing a woman I'd be.

I keep having this urge to run, I don't know where, even though my ankle still isn't fully recovered from falling on the icy sidewalk in January.  It's like sitting still and doing what needs to be done is more than I can bear.

I went off my anti-depressant (Wellbutrin) a few weeks ago, but I'm not sure that's it, or whether going back on would help, since it seemed to make me a little more agitated when I first went on it.

I'm not sure I need advice (but maybe I do), maybe I just need someone (the mother I never had?)  to enfold me in her arms and convince me it's going to be all right.

[Laura_7]

*hugs*

What you have is a normal reaction.
Its the what ifs coming up.
I'd say just steer an even course.
Things will be all right, don't overthink and just do what is necessary. Often its not necessary to do all of the things imagined but the basic things. There is a 80/20 rule ... with 20% of the time 80% of the work can get done ... etc ... just trust that the important parts get done, and do your part. Trust it will be all right.

Try to reduce stress. Have good and regular meals, and maybe regular daily exercises to work off stress hormones.


And maybe you can make a few friends here or on the boards :
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,195129.msg1758946.html#msg1758946

*hugs*

[suzifrommd]

I'm not sure I need advice (but maybe I do), maybe I just need someone (the mother I never had?)  to enfold me in her arms and convince me it's going to be all right.

Alas, you're a couple hundred miles away or I'd gladly take you into my arms and give you the best reassurances I have.

I understand your fear. The unknown is scary and risk is scary. It's OK to be scared. If you need to try to repress it, that's fine, but I'd suggest that it might be OK also to acknowledge your fear and name it. Maybe allow it to exist and to accept it without judgment.

If you looked like an old geezer trying to dress up as a woman, would that be terrible? What would that mean to you?

FWIW, I care and I'm pulling for your transition to be everything you want it to be. 

[LizK]

Asche I hear your pain and anguish...I am in my 50's and can understand exactly how you feel. There is so much ingrained over the years that trying to convince yourself that you can be seen as a woman can be very difficult. I stopped trying to do that to myself. I am doing this for me and if I don't pass(unlikely that I ever will) then that will change nothing for me. Yes it may make for more difficulties but I really don't care anymore.

You sound to me like you really want to get things moving for yourself but are scared to make the leap. I know how difficult it can be to get a wardrobe together that actually works. I am basically fulltime at home and wear whatever I like. You would be surprised how much difference the right clothes and makeup actually make...great for a girls confidence and when you feel feminine then it seems easier for me to just relax and act natural which seems to work as my mannerisms seem to just adapt and it feels natural for them to become more feminine. 

I am slowly learning how to buy appropriate clothes and what I actually like to wear. Mainly online so they are easy to return if they don't fit, although I am getting pretty good at getting the right size for my shape (or lack of it) Each time I try and take in everything I have to do to transition it overwhelms me so I retreat to taking care of one thing at a time. I am hoping to be full time by the end of this year or early next but I am prepared to change the timing until I am happy that I am ready.

Have a hug...you sound like you need one

I have taken up walking each day and will cover somewhere between 3-5 kms each morning. It gives me a chance to try and get my head right for the day especially if I am feeling Dysphoric....which I usually am. I think that exercise is an excellent tool for helping improve mental health...you just need to find that exercise type you can do...for me its walking.

take care

Liz K

[Fresas con Nata]

I'm partway into my transition, on HRT for around 6 months, come out in most of the places I spend time in outside of work, and everyone has been supportive.

[...]

I'm terrified.  What I'm aware of is the feeling that I'm not ready, that I'll never manage to do the practical stuff I need to do -- basic make-up, suitable clothes, etc. -- in time.  That the whole thing is going to turn into a fiasco.

If people around you are supportive, can't you ask any close female friend for help on make-up/clothing/etc? In my case, if it weren't for my best friend, I'd have the wardrobe full of stuff too large or too small, and no way to wear two pieces together without looking like a clown, and all my knowledge about make-up would have to be learned from youtube. Thanks to her I'm also populating a useful dictionary on fashion terms that I wouldn't have the opportunity to learn otherwise. I wouldn't have had the courage to go out in girl mode, or come out to my parents.

IMO, having a friend of your perceived gender is essential.

I can't go back, though; it would be like climbing back onto a sinking ship.

That's a nice metaphor

[Cindy]

Fear. The great protector?

I'm not pretending that this is in anyway medically true, but I always looked upon fear as my subconscious telling the rest of my brain to lay of, leave me alone; I'm safe, I don't want to know new stuff.

The brain responds, go away subconscious I have to do this, jump out of a plane, do a bungy jump, look at a scary movie because brain wants too.

Transitioning is in some ways the same, part of our brain keeps saying, I don't want to do this, I'm frightened, I was happy locked up in my room pretending to be me, pretending their wasn't an issue. But the rest of our brain knows, transitioning is what it needs to live.

It is a fight and maybe instead of worrying about those thoughts have glory in them. My subconscious is telling me she is frightened. Great. That means I am doing the right thing.

I and many others went through the same stuff, I made a post a while back about putting on my only remaining male suit to see what it looked like - a bit of a laugh. But lordy my subconscious rebelled the opposite way; no you are female you don't want to wear that stuff it is silly and stupid.

I realised, not for the first time, that my journey into being the true me was over, even my subconscious accepted it!

[LizK]

Fear. The great protector?

I'm not pretending that this is in anyway medically true, but I always looked upon fear as my subconscious telling the rest of my brain to lay of, leave me alone; I'm safe, I don't want to know new stuff.

The brain responds, go away subconscious I have to do this, jump out of a plane, do a bungy jump, look at a scary movie because brain wants too.

Transitioning is in some ways the same, part of our brain keeps saying, I don't want to do this, I'm frightened, I was happy locked up in my room pretending to be me, pretending their wasn't an issue. But the rest of our brain knows, transitioning is what it needs to live.

It is a fight and maybe instead of worrying about those thoughts have glory in them. My subconscious is telling me she is frightened. Great. That means I am doing the right thing.

I and many others went through the same stuff, I made a post a while back about putting on my only remaining male suit to see what it looked like - a bit of a laugh. But lordy my subconscious rebelled the opposite way; no you are female you don't want to wear that stuff it is silly and stupid.

I realised, not for the first time, that my journey into being the true me was over, even my subconscious accepted it!

Thanks Cindy I really needed to come on here and read that...thank you

Liz K

[Satinjoy]

Asche

You can reveal as much as you like when you like.  It doesnt change who you are.  And you are becoming you.

Acceptance...of you, of conditions outside, and late transition is hard darling i know.

I reveal what i am comfortable revealing, and not to everyone.  I entrust the fragile sh'e to others when i know they wont hurt h'er. 

I transitioned at work in FL, hardest thing i did.  And most rewarding.  Now i work stealth nb male in NY.

Everyone is different but that fear...i think everyone of us that learns to embrace that part of us or whole of us that is trans faces this.

There is plenty of time.  A dress does not make us trans.  We already are trans.

The hormones, the feelings, the changes are exciting and wonderful.  Enjoy every second of it.  Its a world of discovery at your brave fingertips...you control what you reveal, and revel in becoming whole.

Satin Joy