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Please note this is a very long vent about my feelings and upcoming events

Started by Midnightstar, April 29, 2016, 01:15:42 PM

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Midnightstar

(Note: i wrote this with dragon naturally speaking so some of the text could be off or sound weird i haven't gotten to edit everything yet and after this i need a brake from typing!)  within a couple of months i am going to be moving into an apartment
Building. I'm actually excited to meet the people who are going to be living beside me. First coming and everything and thinking about it made me nervous and I was actually more cautious but I don't feel cautious anymore because i believe everything will end up working out okay. I've never actually lived alone before so this will be my first experience in the outside world living alone. The good thing is I have gone to places like Georgia because my friend lives down in Georgia so I do have experience with being far away from my home, Just not necessarily completely alone. my only concern and problem is knowing that my grandparents have already told the other folks living beside me that I'm their grand daughter when I should be called their grandson. My grandparents know I'm transgender because of some bad hospital experiences I've had in fact I would doubt that most my family pretty much knows at this point. As I said the same pronoun use has continued. I asked them the second or third in the he beginning of 2016 to please use male pronouns. It hasn't worked.
I've only asked my parents to use male pronouns with me so my grandparents not using them is something I'll have to speak with them about and it's understandable. But my parents not using them it does bother me it bothers me because I see them trying to use it occasionally and then apologizing for getting it wrong. It seems like such a great step and it seems like a hugely for them and I get excited and happy that there actually taking time to try which of the beginning I didn't see happening. But then it's almost like everything they were trying to do like using the correct pronouns completely goes backwards and it feels like I'm not that one again. people say that it takes a lot of time for parents to get used to pronouns and being trans, I'm still struggling with the time and it is taking i wont lie.
And sometimes I think that it's inevitable and they never will learn due to them always going backwards in the progress seeming like it's depleting. But honestly people have constantly reminded me that everything will be okay, and it could take years for my parents to finally accept the fact i am a man stuck in a girls body. Honestly in a way I think I feel bad sometimes for not being able to cope with the fact that they are trying occasionally. but it gets so frustrating! to watch them making progress! and then to see it depleting in front of my eyes like nothing ever happened. That is probably something that I'm going to need to eventually speak to them about, I need to step up and start reminding them without being scared of the outcome. I've thought it through and probably read me reminding them on their good days would help them understand and get used to the process.
I've been asked about my transition a couple times by my mother I can see that she wants information on everything that's going to be happening to me. It feels so awkward though! So i don't. But I need to I've made a couple of plans today to write a few notes to my parents and send it to their Facebook accounts. I'm not very good at explaining things to my parents in person which feels horrible but that is just me.
I think I'll probably go into more details about my transition and what's going on or explain more to them as time goes on when I'm actually out of the house and in my own household because I don't want to completely overwhelm them. In some ways I feel like I've made things more complicated or worse with them because of my skittishness. But in other ways I think a lot of people do that.
This is really turning out to be just one long venting session.
I know everything is getting better though and I know I'm getting braver I realized that last night wile having a emotional brake down.
It seems like emotional breakdowns are becoming quite common in my life, but its probably better that way sense holding everything inside has proven to be a bad idea. I tend to often only let out certain bits of information and sometimes that ends up putting me in the zone of i didn't say enough! I need to vent. By the time am done with this I could probably write a story book.....i wonder how that would turn out
The story of me. Anyways, if you actually took the time and decided to read this long page of text that you've probably heard before thank you. Because sometimes all I want is somebody to listen....and take time to hear me out. You know as a person without much experience in the world sometimes I don't always say things in the correct way, leads me to a lot of misunderstandings and troubles. Communication has never been my best strength. I often feel bad because then that trying to help somebody and then I say something that sounded bad and i didn't mean for it to sound bad or rude. then I continue to apologize or avoid the whole conversation because I'm extremely nervous that never ends good. It's almost like, I have a trashcan sitting in front of me with all the paperwork of my misunderstandings.
Only if I could go over all of them I don't know what I would do, probably feel like absolute crap. So I probably won't go over them.
Now I need to move on, I need to figure out what I'm wanting with my transition and the pathways that I'm going to walk after my transition.
I want to figure out what I want to be in when I want to do in life
I want to figure out things that I never had a chance to figure out until i gained enough confidence to believe that I could. Honestly if it wasn't for the people here in the website I don't even know if I'd be typing this i don't know who i would be or if i would be. Or where i would be. And yet I managed to mess up most things, but that's the past and the past can't hold me down. I have so much stuff on my mind that even writing this feel 's like it's everlasting. I feel actually stressed out I've written so much my brain literally cannot keep up and sort everything out at the same time probably a sign I should stop.
I don't know what I believe in myself more even though I sometimes go back and forth I guess also I need is to believe in myself.
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Obfuskatie

Yes you do need to believe in yourself. It can be difficult at times, but it's important to have your own back if that makes any sense. I think therapy has helped me the most in this regard, because I can bounce ideas off her and get another perspective. That way I'm not entirely making the big decisions alone.

I'm in my fourth year of transitions, and my old friends and parents still use my old name, now my initials (KC), and have trouble with pronouns sometimes. You have to be diligent reminding them. If they are supportive and caring a land curious, be patient with them. It took a lot of us years to figure out we were trans and accept it, give them the time they need.

It mostly confuses me at this point rather than hurting, because I'll be talking to them and they'll tell me about sometime that they were talking to someone I know and then use the wrong pronoun to refer to me and I'll be like... Wait a minute... Who are you talking about now? And then they'll correct themselves and I'll be like, ohhhh I get it now...

I found living alone to be essential to figuring out who I am. I didn't want to be influenced or coerced to do my transition at any speed other than the pace I had decided. It helps to clear your head and discover yourself.

Congratulations on moving forward with all this in your life. I'd suggest only telling your mom the next 1-2 steps in your transition, not the full map of everything you're considering so you don't overwhelm her or yourself for that matter. And if you can, be out and proud with the people in your family and friends. It's so much easier to have the people in your life supportive and open about your being trans.

Good luck!


     Hugs,
- Katie
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If people are what they eat, I really need to stop eating such neurotic food  :icon_shakefist:
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