Quote from: AmandaDanielle on May 02, 2016, 05:16:14 PM
I have been out and fulltime now for 3 weeks. Let me tell you, anyone that says that this does not take courage should be horse whipped. This is the most mentally taxing thing I've ever done and I programmed for years! I have had to draw so deep within for the strength to get through the day. Even leaving my office is a process. I am sure it will pass with time but, WOW!
I find myself getting caught up in the "I care what others think" way too much. I have to reset my brain when that occurs and push out of it. Doing my job serves as a chore. Going to meetings. Answering my phone. (To which I am petrified to do) Answering email... essentially coming out to everyone I send an email too. Over and over and over again!! As long as I stay focused on the "I Don't care" mantra, I am fine. When things happen that I inadvertently read too much into, I can't help but get trapped.I know I am awkward right now and if I am awkward how must my co workers feel?
It gets easier. At first I didn't know how people were seeing me and it made me nervous, especially around the people that have that look about them that says they've done hardcore labor work all their lives and can stomp me into the ground at a moments notice. But that fear was coming out in my behaviors and it was also affecting my voice. My voice has started to sound better, but when I get nervous, it slips back into the really deep one. I focus more on the fake it till you make it technique and it works. Just keeping my head up, making eye contact with people I speak to and not making eye contact with people in the general area, has made a huge difference. I don't feel the prying eyes anymore.
I've also spent more time really paying attention to women with more focus than I ever had in the past. There are a lot that have much deeper voices than my girl voice, which isn't even in the female pitch range. There are many that don't even remotely sound like the female sing song voice. I realized I have coworkers that repeatedly get gendered male on the phone and they've been women their entire lives. Not all of them sway their hips. Not all of them use makeup. Not all of them know how to do their hair. The fact that there were so many women that seemed more masculine than me, really helped with my confidence too.
Quote from: AmandaDanielle on May 02, 2016, 05:16:14 PM
I have run into mostly supportive people at work but it still surprises me that the people that didn't seem to mind when I first came out are the problematic ones. I wouldn't have guessed that they would have any issue, but alas they do. I have been noticing passive aggressive ways of insulting and lashing out at me. Some are referring to me as only my last name because they refuse to address me as Amanda. They never did it before and it's so irritating!! I expected this but encountering it is far worse than imagining it.
Why is when you first come out to someone they seem to act accommodating dare I say supportive but as time passes or they see you as your true self they flip? It is truly confusing!
The same thing happened to me too. Almost everybody was initially supportive. Within a month about 50% of them (out of around 150) either stopped talking to me or tried to cure me. Four months after I started hormones, I told work. That was about 3 months ago. Nobody skipped a beat with talking to me and immediately switched to using the new name, but I'm a remote worker, so who knows what they talk about when I'm not in the office. Even there I had people show more support than I expected, then say things to other people that made me feel like they were complaining about me, but trying to make it sound like they were supportive. They're on my team, so it's hard to get away from them.
About a year after I told everybody, I've lost 2 friends. One just stopped talking to me altogether and the other layed into me about my mental illness and how much of an idiot I am for doing this, spouting off "facts" that weren't even related to the community. And believe it or not, it was an atheist, so religion had nothing to do with it. Meanwhile this same former friend has a drug and alcohol problem, but I'm the burden to society.
I also read an article about this recently that talked about how often this initial support, then taking it away dynamic happens. It's like they think they're being nice, but it crushes you more the way they do it. If they had just said no right in the beginning, I would have been fine because I was prepared for it. It was the get me to trust them and let my guard down so they can stomp on my feelings later that hurt so much. I always thought I was strong enough to do this without support, but this dynamic made me realize that I would not have been able to get through it without someone to talk to.
