I wish I had never realized I'm trans

[lil_red]

So yeah, I wish I could go back to not knowing, you know back when I thought this was just a fantasy that would never be able to come true.  Back when I was able to suppress my feelings because I was uneducated and didn't think there was anything I could do about them. 

I was content at that time and now I just can't turn it off. It's always in the front of my mind, like it's consuming my life. It's so bad that I'm actively looking for a new job simply because this one gives me too much time to think.  Making changes to my gender expression has made me happier but the more I see of myself in the mirror the further I want to go. I now know without a doubt that I want to transition but I feel like I can't or shouldn't mostly because I am afraid of society in general and that it's  not fair to the people close to me.

Right now I just wish there was a way to quiet my mind. Does anyone ever feel like this? If so how do you cope?

On a good note I found in lgbtq+ clinic an hour and a half away from me and scheduled an appointment with them for counselling. the only problem is they have a 4 month waiting list for new patients.

[ryokohimura]

Honestly...I don't think not knowing would have helped in my case.

Currently I'm going through a weird period. I find myself moody. It's weird cause January, February and March were ok. However after April 18th, I've been feeling...well moody. Things will just irritate me. When people call me "sir", they might as well be stabbing me. It's like I know how I feel, yet the world is seeing this stranger.

I remember how I was, though. Nothing seemed to go right, I had put an expiration date on myself. I just didn't look forward to anything. It's different now in that I feel If I could hide for a few months at least or worked on my presentation, I could feel better out in the world. I feel better when I do things to take care of myself. I'd like to work out more if it didn't leave me painfully sore after. I talk to people online as myself. One trans girl I talk even thought I was a cis woman. Several people thought that. It probably sounds weird to say that just being myself has helped, but for once it has.

I doubt that was much help but honestly, it really was more detrimental to me not knowing

[Laura_7]

I'd say don't overthink.
Its a step by step process, just take the next step.

There are also online therpists, who also can write letters:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html


hugs

[Gendermutt]

Sometimes yes, I have felt this way. That day I decided I was going to accept myself, go back and change the thought to re double my redoubled efforts, which failed from the re doubled efforts that were red doubled twice before to fight it. Take back the night I told my wife.... But then again, since then, I am at more peace with myself than ever before. I am now coming up on one year of sobriety.... My wife while struggling with it at times, still very much enjoys my company and we are still making lifelong plans. My brain is more cluttered with thoughts. With acceptance has come even more of my already natural feminine mannerisms. Not by trying, it just happens. at work, with my kids, or friends, sometimes now even harder to mask. Life always has trade offs. Overall though, it has still been on the positive end. 

[Amy1988]

So yeah, I wish I could go back to not knowing, you know back when I thought this was just a fantasy that would never be able to come true.  Back when I was able to suppress my feelings because I was uneducated and didn't think there was anything I could do about them. 

I was content at that time and now I just can't turn it off. It's always in the front of my mind, like it's consuming my life. It's so bad that I'm actively looking for a new job simply because this one gives me too much time to think.  Making changes to my gender expression has made me happier but the more I see of myself in the mirror the further I want to go. I now know without a doubt that I want to transition but I feel like I can't or shouldn't mostly because I am afraid of society in general and that it's  not fair to the people close to me.

Right now I just wish there was a way to quiet my mind. Does anyone ever feel like this? If so how do you cope?

On a good note I found in lgbtq+ clinic an hour and a half away from me and scheduled an appointment with them for counselling. the only problem is they have a 4 month waiting list for new patients.

I knew I was a girl at 5 years old but didn't realize I was transgender until I was old enough to do Google searches.  It was actually a relief for me because it was something real as opposed to something being wrong with me.  It was also comforting to know I could do something about it.

[Elis]

Yeah I did. I was miserable before I knew I was trans because I didn't fit in and hated my body. Then I realised I was trans and my dysphoria/depression became so much worse. I wasted many hours and days wishing it would go away and repressed my feelings. After two years of that I couldn't take it anymore; knew it wasn't going out and wanted to attempt being happy (even though my family isn't supportive). I realised it's my life and can't let others drag me down. I know what's best for my own health; they don't. Going to a gender therapist helped. It took a few months for me to mostly be happy now I'm on T. Before it didn't seem ti be working then that passed.

Btw; 4 months isn't a long wait. Some countries you have to wait years to see someone. The time will go by quicker than you think it will. Hang in there

[lil_red]

Thanks for your replies.  I feel like I've opened Pandora's box.  Before, I knew it was there. I would eyeball it, be curious about it and wonder what's  inside. Now that I've opened it it can't be closed. For me it feels like it was easier before I realized I had choices. I had learned to live with IT because I didn't truly know what IT was if any of that makes sense.

[Elis]

Thanks for your replies.  I feel like I've opened Pandora's box.  Before, I knew it was there. I would eyeball it, be curious about it and wonder what's  inside. Now that I've opened it it can't be closed. For me it feels like it was easier before I realized I had choices. I had learned to live with IT because I didn't truly know what IT was if any of that makes sense.

That perfectly makes sense. For me it was easier living and thinking I was an insecure woman than living and knowing I'm trans.

[lil_red]

Yeah I did. I was miserable before I knew I was trans because I didn't fit in and hated my body. Then I realised I was trans and my dysphoria/depression became so much worse. I wasted many hours and days wishing it would go away and repressed my feelings. After two years of that I couldn't take it anymore; knew it wasn't going out and wanted to attempt being happy (even though my family isn't supportive). I realised it's my life and can't let others drag me down. I know what's best for my own health; they don't. Going to a gender therapist helped. It took a few months for me to mostly be happy now I'm on T. Before it didn't seem ti be working then that passed.

Btw; 4 months isn't a long wait. Some countries you have to wait years to see someone. The time will go by quicker than you think it will. Hang in there

Thanks, I know four months isn't a long time and actually gives me time to sort things out. The clinic does signed consent HRT also even though I only made my appointment  for therapy.  The thing is I'm torn because I am married and have 3 children.  I don't want to completely turn their lives upside down but at the same time I know if I never do this I will always regret it.

[Elis]

Thanks, I know four months isn't a long time and actually gives me time to sort things out. The clinic does signed consent HRT also even though I only made my appointment  for therapy.  The thing is I'm torn because I am married and have 3 children.  I don't want to completely turn their lives upside down but at the same time I know if I never do this I will always regret it.

Yeah; the regret thing is what I had to think about. I don't want to be 50 and think what could have been or then deciding to take T which would disrupt my life even more because I'm older. But I doubt I would make it to 30 let alone 50 if I didn't transition.

The benefit you have now is it's easier to talk about being trans with children than if they're teens or adults. Once you get it out of the way you're free and can look to the future.

[Kulena]

I can relate to how you feel I to was afraid of not knowing how others would except me, but you can't go through life worried about what people might or think or say you are holding your self back from being who you are.
You can
only go down that road for so long it the road to no wear.
I know this road it was the road I was on when I cared about what other people thought of me.
It's like your life for other people you have one life live it for yourself.
My breaking point was I new who I was inside and the person inside was dieing to live and I tried to suppress it and fight it conceal it only driving by my worries about how will other people think or say.
I had become my worst enemy, and I was holding my self back.
I began to want this more Eny thing so I let go of my fears decided not to allow them run my life and let the person inside out and just let go and let it flow.
I was scared in the beginning but confidence started to build and was getting stronger.
I work in a wood mill and have transitioned at work that was hard for 2 weeks was criticized for wearing makeup then people started to ask about it and then I told them that I'm a girl and showed them a few pictures of me all dolled up and much surprise they didn't care how I lived my life and the critzum stopped, and I go to work every day with makeup and my nails done.
Transitioning is not easy went good in the work place and not so good with some family like dad who refuse to look at my photos or talk to me, but I can't live my life for him I have to live it for my self and you need to live your life for you.
By doing this I found my self loving life and every day is wonderful to be me.
Remember it's not easy but the pay out of living with your true integerdy in line with your true self can bring happiness
I highly recommend that you start to see a therapist because it is way to much for one person to sort out

[warlockmaker]

You kinda described how I was. I was a very successful male who followed impassioned pursuits and excelled. Every night, before sleeping, I imagined I was a girl. I thought this was a kinky male manesfestation that all males had. I never suffered from depression but was somewhat agressive. I was not aware of the 3rd gender until I was in my forties and only after I had a short affair with a tg that my life changed. So some 20 years later I have had my srs, ffs and ba. I saw a therapist for 8 years just to be sure as I found it so hard to accept .

Today I have found peace and see myself as special to be able to experience 2 lives in a lifetime.  I am proud to be tg and am not in stealth ...

[lil_red]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I am actually feeling much better today. I'm going to try to do better at taking things one day at a time. It's just hard sometimes since I drive a truck for 12 hours a day, I have nothing to do but think and I can't always control the direction my mind goes in.

[Rebecca]

I had put an expiration date on myself

Did that for years even before I woke up told them Gerard would be dead before 40.
Took out life insurance and just waited. Actually kinda looked forward to it in it's own way he was no loss.

As it turns out I was right he did die at 37 and I'm here now.

And as the chorus from my favourite Jem song goes

I'll go, but I won't go quietly
Go down, but I'll go down fighting
Don't know where, don't know why
But I can't go back, back to the way I was

[jessilynn]

It only gets worse in time. Because you WANT to fix the "problem" of being in the wrong body.

Yeah you could try to "suppress" it, but seriously how long do you think that would have ACTUALLY worked, love?
It's a tough thing to think about, and yeah it will affect your life, both positive and negative, but you cant just sit there and wonder "what if" can you?

I've gone through everything, I am on the HRT, with a scheduled appointment for GCS (gender corrective surgery), and yeah I worry about the future, but at the same time... I am happy about it.

[Asche]

My own take on knowing vs. not knowing:

To me, it's like asking whether I'd rather know I have cancer or not know.

Me, I'd rather know because:

1.  If I know, I can (potentially) do something about it.  The treatment might be unpleasant, and I might decide to do nothing, but I'd rather have the choice.

2.  If I don't know, I won't understand why I'm having all these weird symptoms, and they'll scare me.  In the case of cancer: feeling sick, weird, ongoing pains, and worse; in the case of being trans, the chronic sense of weirdness and disconnection, the weird compulsions and inabilities, the self-hatred, the frequent suicidal ideation and impulses.

Just being able to fit the life-long pain and misery, alienation from self and others, suicidal impulses, etc., into a narrative in which they made sense was a huge relief.  My misery wasn't some sort of moral failing or torment I inflict upon my self just for the lulz: it's because I'm trans in a trans-erasing and transphobic world.

But it also has helped me, for the first time in my life, accept myself and find people who accept me.  Things about myself that I always thought were shameful defects I'm now learning to appreciate.  I'm me, and that me isn't as bad as I always thought.

Voluntarily blind myself to the darkness that smothered my life for so many years?  No way!

[Kylo]

I feel like I've opened Pandora's box.

I hear that.

Although I like the fact I have some options or choices now, at least. Before I felt like there was no escape. The knowing is pushing me toward the doors and out of the maze, finally.

[Denise]

I went through the same "I wish I didn't open this box" about 2 months after I realized I was trans.  I remember lying in bed crying my eye's out shaking uncontrollably saying I've ruined everything, my live, your [my wife] life, everyone's.  It was not pretty.

After that I stopped going to my therapist and coming here, tried not to think about it.  After 4 weeks of that I went through a really rough time (3rd month).  By 7 days into the 4th month I was ready to crack open. 

Everything set me off - I was one pissed off guy.  Then I gave in and started to accept that I was trans.  My wife and I talked for hours one day and I started to realize that if I didn't transition I would probably harm myself or physically harm someone near me.  I immediately (the next week) went to a 2nd therapist who confirmed that I showed all the signs of being transgender (they never come out and say "you are Trans") and even she was surprised how fast she could tell.

To me this whole experience has opened my eyes to "it's not a choice."  Before November I wasn't so sure. Today, I know it's not a choice ... let me rephrase that - the choice isn't trans or not trans.   It's live or die.

Do I wish I wasn't trans*... yes.  Is there anything I can do about it.... no.  Well maybe there is. I now accept myself for who I am, I am transgender.  It took me 6+ months (from when I came out to my wife) but I'm feeling better now and actually looking forward to "living the dream."  After 45+ years of knowing I was meant to be a girl I'm finally going to do it and I feel comfortable about it.

I say all this to let you know that it gets better if you let it.

[lil_red]

I hear that.

Although I like the fact I have some options or choices now, at least. Before I felt like there was no escape. The knowing is pushing me toward the doors and out of the maze, finally.

I admit I do like that I now have choices and options but at the same time I feel like  It's an impossible choice.  On one hand I can't bear the thought of staying in this body when I now know that I can change it.  On the other hand I have made a list of worst-case scenarios and there is one that I just don't think I could make it through: if my husband and I do not survive transition and he ends up with full custody of our kids.

[kellykh]

So yeah, I wish I could go back to not knowing, you know back when I thought this was just a fantasy that would never be able to come true.  Back when I was able to suppress my feelings because I was uneducated and didn't think there was anything I could do about them.

This really spoke to me. I had fantasies about having a woman's body. I was very curious and jealous of the girls when I was a teenager, in addition to the attraction I had to them. But I thought it was just a childish fantasy, something that I was sure everyone had at times, but never wanted to admit it. I grew up in a small town in the 80s, where the word 'transgender' didn't exist, nor did the concept. As a result, I never thought anything of it.

Now that I'm in my 40s, I learned that I had bottled up these feelings (along with most emotion in general) very deeply into a box, hidden in the back corner of my psyche. Then one day the box cracked a bit. Stupid me, I went to investigate and the whole thing blew up. After believing I was a cis man for 40+ years, including 15 years of marriage to a woman who I love very dearly, I am forced to face this and question everything about myself.

I wish there were a way to stuff it all back in the box (or better yet, a bigger, stronger box) so life could go back to 'normal'. My wife is quite supportive, but I know deep-down she wishes this didn't happen either. But I can't get it back in, and everyone I've talked to said that when they stuff it back, it always bursts forth again.

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I am. I'm glad that even though I live in a small-minded town, there is an experience LGBTQ therapist I am seeing. Part of me wishes she could just tell me what I am and how the path for me will be, but I know life doesn't work that way...

I guess I'm not ready to say that I'm glad I learned I am trans yet. Maybe someday I can come to better terms with it, but not yet.