So, I have an update...
Wound up talking to my doctor, who basically gave me a choice about how to deal with my low T combined with dysphoria. He was like, "well, you can go one way, or the other" offering to start me on testosterone to get my T levels up (and thereby hopefully just have more energy) OR start me on spiro to get my T levels all the way down (and thereby hopefully address my dysphoria).
On the way to the doctor's office I felt like an hold man, my joints hurt and it was just altogether depressing. I'm in my early 40s and knew I shouldn't feel that way. The thought of making that worse by dropping the bottom out of my T was hard to fathom. So I opted to go on beginning dose TRT injections (self injected, weekly).
I have to say, the testosterone actually made me feel better, sharper - not so especially anxious. HOWEVER - I very much experienced the crash over the course of the week. Weirdly, my dysphoria actually vanished on the days I took the injection, and as it wore off during the week the dysphoria rose. At the same time, I started to feel physically like crap.
After three weeks I went in for a blood test and my T serum level came back as...wait for it, a whopping 139 ng/dl (down from 164) and my estradiol serum level was 11 pg/ml (down from 27). At the same time, though I was feeling physically better at the start of the week, I just worried I was headed in the wrong direction. At one point, the thought of more T in my system started to make my skin crawl a little bit.
Several months ago I had made an appointment with an endo, which I had kept, so I might get a second opinion of sorts about my low T issue by itself. Intended to mention that I was grappling with gender dysphoria in passing, but main reason for the visit was to learn more about why I might have such low T naturally.
So, I start talking with my endo and he asked me to talk more about the dysphoria. He reviews my history, examines me, looks at my lab results. Then, to my great surprise, he says: "look, you are clearly transgender - the low T is probably just because you're heavy right now - but do you want to start HRT?" The word "yes" came out of my mouth so fast I couldn't believe it.
So I'm starting out on a crazy low dose of estradiol + sprio because, like many others on this Forum, I don't want/expect/intend to socially transition. My life is incredibly blessed with family and career stuff and I don't want to mess it up. Part of my thinking (perhaps a rationalization I suppose) is that I'm trying to deal with my dysphoria proactively so I don't erupt and need to go full transition later down the road (at least anytime soon).
It's been almost a week now and, though it's probably all placebo, I feel very different but increasingly, also very good. I can tell my already low T is now even lower, but surprisingly, the aches and pains I felt have completely vanished. I can only guess that it's the estrogen, even though its a small dose, coming to rescue and doing its part.
Compared to being on supplemental T, it feels like I'm running in a slightly lower gear, but it's such a smoother ride.
My family doesn't know exactly what is going on but knows that I'm trying to get my hormone levels right...that I tried injectible T, and am now trying something that will keep my T levels low, but steadier. In the last couple of days my wife even said, "I'm so proud of you for taking medicine/getting help you need - you're like a new person" She said that she loved me all the time but this new version is so much better and I'm so much better with our kids/less grumpy all the time." This was incredibly reassuring.
So - while I have my doubts and fears, I also have lots of hope and excitement. Sometimes when I take my pills I ask "is this really what I want to do?" But have taken a lot of inspiration from the ladies on this forum and take comfort in knowing, while MMV, that I'm starting on such a low dose that I ought to be able to slow things down if I want to.
Sorry this is so long; but I had a lot to share! TY for being here, Alison