Transphobia at work

[Gemini]

"If my son painted his nails, I would beat his ass. Wouldn't you, if one of your sons did?"

This is what one of my co-workers asked me. The question came up because another one of my co-workers was asking her about me. I recently got my ears pierced and she wanted to know if I was wearing nail polish. And I do. It's a really sheer, almost clear color.

I've got two boys. I told her I would be okay with it, if one of my kids wanted to paint his nails. She let it go at that point.

The thing is, I really like her. I'm her supervisor, and she's one of my better employees. But her attitude makes me reluctant to come out at work.

Which is something I want to do. Maybe need to do. Not just for me, but because my husband is trans too, and his family knows all about him (and me). And I present as female in my neighborhood.

Maybe it's only a matter of time before people at work learn about me.  But I'm worried that if I came out, the employees I supervise would have short shrift for my authority. I've met other transwomen who've encountered just that.

What should I do?

[Emileeeee]

I don't understand why so many people think things like clothing, colors, and makeup have a gender. They don't. It's not natural to think they do. It's taught. And beating someone's ass for not believing that they do will only make them not do it around them.

As far as work goes though, I really don't know. While I'm a supervisor by title, all that means is I take the requirements and figure out how we're going to fit them into the system before passing it off to my teams to get the code written. It's not really a boss/subordinate dynamic. However I had no issues with telling work, even with having people on my teams that don't agree with it. My company's position is that they need to get over it and they like their paychecks more than they like not liking me.

[Gemini]

I really do wish that there wasn't so much of a taboo against men using things like make-up and nail polish. Whether you're a transgender woman or a cisgender man, that kind of expression is a terrible reason for beating your own child. Not that there are actually good reasons for beating a child, but painting his nails...oh my god. That's insane. How did these toxic attitudes become so pervasive?

Whatever they answer to that, it is what it is. Things ended up this way, and it's hard to blame people for having attitudes that they grew up with. I'm reluctant to rock that boat. At the same time, I need to sink it.

[AmandaDanielle]

Technically, comments like that are harrassment. If they continue you could choose to go to HR with your concern... especially with a bodily threat. Even if they are referring to their son, they need to be careful. The company I work for would not tolerate anything like that. Just saying.

As for your nerves about coming out, from my experience, people already know and or suspect. Embrace it, trust me you will be a lot better off. The amount of brainpower you put into stressing, when it is freed up you won't believe what you can accomplish!! It's truly amazing.

Honestly people need to stop seeing pink and blue, it's so archaic!

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[JoanneB]

I worked in rural West Virginia when my dysphoria hit a brick wall. About every transphobic remark got under my skin. If ONLY they knew..... The hot hot shot engineer that made things happen...

Do you suck it up or, as the ne'er-do-well 60's voice of social conscious Arlro Guthrie, Phil Ocho's song singin rebel want's to scream out.....

Balance

Fortunately, today in hickville PC capitol of NJ I only hear it if I dig...

[HappyMoni]

I think I would break your dilemma into parts. Are you still debating whether to come out at all or just when to do it? If you are not sure if you ever want to, maybe you should wait til things become clearer for you. If you are definitely going to do it at some point, what has to happen before it is the right time? Will it always be the case that someone will try to take advantage of the situation? Is there a real landmark you need to reach or is fear what is holding you back. If it is fear, I would argue that the fear will not go away. Sometimes you just have to ignore the fear and do what you want to do. Only you will know the answers to these questions. It can be easy to lie to yourself sometimes. Just make sure to dig for your real motivations.
Moni

[Gemini]

I think I would break your dilemma into parts. Are you still debating whether to come out at all or just when to do it? If you are not sure if you ever want to, maybe you should wait til things become clearer for you. If you are definitely going to do it at some point, what has to happen before it is the right time? Will it always be the case that someone will try to take advantage of the situation? Is there a real landmark you need to reach or is fear what is holding you back. If it is fear, I would argue that the fear will not go away. Sometimes you just have to ignore the fear and do what you want to do. Only you will know the answers to these questions. It can be easy to lie to yourself sometimes. Just make sure to dig for your real motivations.
Moni

You know, I guess I'm still debating whether I want to go full-time. My insecurities about passing are the biggest reason for that. A close second is worries about whether I'll be able to keep my job.

I'm definitely going to have to tell my co-workers that my "wife" is actually my husband, though. He started T a couple weeks ago, so it's only a matter of time...

[Gemini]

I worked in rural West Virginia when my dysphoria hit a brick wall. About every transphobic remark got under my skin.

Oh yeah. I'd like to be more outspoken when I hear that kind of thing. When I was a kid, standing up against bullying and hurtful speech seemed to come easy to me, but I feel like the courage to do that eventually got beat out of me. I'm pretty quiet nowadays.

[Gemini]

Technically, comments like that are harrassment. If they continue you could choose to go to HR with your concern... especially with a bodily threat. Even if they are referring to their son, they need to be careful. The company I work for would not tolerate anything like that. Just saying.

As for your nerves about coming out, from my experience, people already know and or suspect. Embrace it, trust me you will be a lot better off. The amount of brainpower you put into stressing, when it is freed up you won't believe what you can accomplish!! It's truly amazing.

Honestly people need to stop seeing pink and blue, it's so archaic!

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

I'd really hate to start taking stuff like that to HR. I try to keep my department a friendly, laid back place for my employees, and I would consider the woman who said that a friend. She didn't mean it in a hostile way toward me, even if it is an incredibly mean thing to say.

And I'd love to go full time. I hope I'll be ready soon.

[AmandaDanielle]

I too, would not run to HR but, we just had a training session and ironically an instance like thay came up. It's a fine line for what we allow people to say and how far we let something go. I understand the struggle!! Good luck with your coming out!! Much love!!

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[Gendermutt]

I live in upstate NY. Not way upstate, actually more centrally located, but to most, anything beyond NYC is considered upstate, even by us. Now, there are plenty of areas of NY that are at least somewhat accepting. But where I live, there is about a 3 county area which is a Alabama mindset trapped in a northeast geography. I swear, if you were to be transported here not knowing where you are, and not seeing license plates, you would immediately guess somewhere deep south. (unless it was winter, then you would guess hell froze over in the deep south.) It is BAD around where I live. It didn't use to be so bad. Not just a lot of "redneck" types, but the real toxic hateful type. I am not sure if it is socioeconomics at play here, but where I live did not use to be like this.

I hear those types of comments and mindset ALL the time. Lots of nasty jokes, comments that are truly hateful and cruel. Lots of places where gay or trans people would not only be not welcome, but would be in a truly dangerous situation. I have gone out of town with my wife just to get away from it, and restore my faith in humanity.

[Dee Marshall]

Which tri-county area, Gendermutt. I want to be sure to be careful. I travel around the state a lot.

[JoanneB]

Oh yeah. I'd like to be more outspoken when I hear that kind of thing. When I was a kid, standing up against bullying and hurtful speech seemed to come easy to me, but I feel like the courage to do that eventually got beat out of me. I'm pretty quiet nowadays.

Such was the case for much of life after decades of trying to beat down the GD.

For the most part, I'm at a place now I do not Need to transition. Want to, not need. Most days at least. I think I am pretty lucky in that way. It also sucks. If I needed to a decision to would be far simpler to make. I know without a doubt if the days come that I feel I need to, I will. I don;t ever want to revert back to that lifeless soulless Thing I was.

So I dance on this Sword of Damocles in my bare bleeding feet finding balance. About all my wishes are fulfilled.  To get that other, perhaps 20% now, of what I want I put 3 times as much at risk. It took loosing almost all of it to take on the beast, putting me in a far far better place. It could happen again. But, before I needed to, there was only one other option with no do-overs.

[Rachel]

I went to HR and came out to them. Next I came out to the leadership team in my department. Then I came out to my boss. I took me a year to figure out how to get my boss to endorse my coming out. I started telling people in the department and told my boss such. He then endorsed my coming out. I had 8 meetings in one day when I came out.

I thought he was going to get rid of me but instead promoted me.

[kathb31]

I very much admire your courage at work. So far I have been too afraid to come
out at work. I know I have been looking more feminine there all the time (wearing
a touch of makeup, a bra and very bright colorful clothing) but no one has said
anything .. not sure if this is a positive sign or not, it is a very conservative place.
I've told myself if anyone asks I'm just going to tell them. Your story gives me encouragement.

All the best,
Kath

[Gendermutt]

Which tri-county area, Gendermutt. I want to be sure to be careful. I travel around the state a lot.

I would be somewhat careful with counties such as Otsego, delaware, and especially chenango.

In places like Cooperstown, you should be ok during the day, if you don't mind being gawked at, unless you pass or blend pretty good. I would not trust any of these areas at night though. Also, be a bit careful going up toward Ithica from say Greene NY. That is a bit of a rough stretch there. Now, Ithica itself is ok. Albany NY is a pretty accepting city for the most part. Binghamton is yay and nay, depending on where you are in Binghamton.

Just so you know I am not talking out my you know what-  http://www.theguardian.com/society/2016/may/03/transgender-healthcare-doctor-oneonta-new-york-carolyn-wolf-gould

Amazing that I am so familiar with this area yet, with such a decent number of transgender patients seen, you almost never see them. In this area, sadly, they have to not be able to express themselves as they truly are. Whereas go to NYC and no one seems to have a problem with that. Or places like Provincetown Mass. I am however proud of the fact that one doctor here took on helping those who are TG, in a place that is often so abusive and hostile toward us.

[Gemini]

I went to HR and came out to them. Next I came out to the leadership team in my department. Then I came out to my boss. I took me a year to figure out how to get my boss to endorse my coming out. I started telling people in the department and told my boss such. He then endorsed my coming out. I had 8 meetings in one day when I came out.

I thought he was going to get rid of me but instead promoted me.

So far I've only come out to my boss, and like you I was worried he was going to get rid of me, but so far things seem to be good. I suppose I should go to HR next.

[Gemini]

Such was the case for much of life after decades of trying to beat down the GD.

For the most part, I'm at a place now I do not Need to transition. Want to, not need. Most days at least. I think I am pretty lucky in that way. It also sucks. If I needed to a decision to would be far simpler to make. I know without a doubt if the days come that I feel I need to, I will. I don;t ever want to revert back to that lifeless soulless Thing I was.

So I dance on this Sword of Damocles in my bare bleeding feet finding balance. About all my wishes are fulfilled.  To get that other, perhaps 20% now, of what I want I put 3 times as much at risk. It took loosing almost all of it to take on the beast, putting me in a far far better place. It could happen again. But, before I needed to, there was only one other option with no do-overs.

I went into this transition thinking that I might never go full time. I don't know if I can do that now.

It goes back to what you said about the option with no do-overs. HRT has helped, but I'm still a lonely person who pretends to be a man by day and comes home and watches kids until it's time for bed. While my brain steeps in vodka.

I've got to find a way to live a life as me, and that's tough. But I'm committed to choosing life. Whatever that requires of me.