Do I Want to Be the Woman I Wish I Could Be With...?

[KelliHu]

I'm a relatively new member here, and it's been just a few days since my first therapy session last week.  It was a great session where I was able to get some good feedback on some of the many confusing, and sometimes conflicting, thoughts and feelings I'd had in recent months.  I have a quick question based on something came to mind this morning when I woke up.  I hope to get some initial feedback from this community before I bring it up with my therapist at our next meeting.

It is possible for MtF transgender feelings to stem from a belief that our significant other does not live up to some physical "fantasy" or ideal?

In other words, might a man develop transgender feelings because he subconsciously wants to physically and/or mentally become the "ideal" woman he wishes he could be with?  And if so, is this a "good" reason for transition?

[Ms Grace]

I don't think so. Although I would make for a hot girlfriend!

[stephaniec]

I don't think I was thinking of being a hot woman at 4 years old. I don't even think my twin Greta Garbo was thinking of being a hot woman either at 4.

[KelliHu]

I don't think I was thinking of being a hot woman at 4 years old.

And as someone in their early 30s, that leaves me questioning the "authenticity" (for lack of a better term) of my recently developing feelings.  Were they laying dormant all along and somehow triggered?  Or are these feelings something other than transgender...?

[stephaniec]

probably the best thing to do is to be very open with your therapist when you have that session. We all walk different paths.

[stephaniec]

I have a theory that dysphoria is like a retrovirus that can wake up at any time.

[kittenpower]

And as someone in their early 30s, that leaves me questioning the "authenticity" (for lack of a better term) of my recently developing feelings.  Were they laying dormant all along and somehow triggered?  Or are these feelings something other than transgender...?

To be honest, most trans people that choose to undergo medical transition have always had atleast an inkling they were trans, well at least I did, but I spent years in denial trying to be a guy since according to my penis I was one; and yet the feeling that my body did not match my true gender was always there, but I just didn't know how to make things right until the Internet came about in the late 90s. And to answer your question, I was with some very beautiful women before I transitioned, and I never considered that I could be as pretty as any of them, and while I do love myself, I'm not into the thought of loving myself, however, I would not have transitioned if I wouldn't have been able to become somewhat passable and attractive.

[KelliHu]

To be honest, most trans people that choose to undergo medical transition have always had atleast an inkling they were trans, well at least I did, but I spent years in denial trying to be a guy since according to my penis I was one; and yet the feeling that my body did not match my true gender was always there, but I just didn't know how to make things right until the Internet came about in the late 90s. And to answer your question, I was with some very beautiful women before I transitioned, and I never considered that I could be as pretty as any of them, and while I do love myself, I'm not into the thought of loving myself, however, I would not have transitioned if I wouldn't have been able to become somewhat passable and attractive.

Thanks for the response.  And I agree that it makes me hesitant to pursue transition being that I spent so much of my life unaware of these feelings.

I am not into the thought of loving myself either.  Rather, I am currently happily with someone who does not necessarily match every item on my fantasy checklist.  Is it possible that I am trying to inject that fantasy into my relationship by actually becoming my fantasy that I can see every day?

[stephaniec]

there is another reality too. The media portrays success in terms of physical beauty. Advertisement are geared to physical beauty. From day one we are inundated with the idea of success as physical beauty. If you gorgeous you can make a lot of money as a model or actor. It's pretty easy to see the notion of beauty playing out in society. Reality is tainted by physical aspects.

[HeatherR]

For me, I've always wanted to be beautiful and wished upon stars...  I would absolutely love to be considered attractive and/or desirable, but only time will truly tell.  So for me?  mmm... no

[abd789]

For me, I've always wanted to be beautiful and wished upon stars...  I would absolutely love to be considered attractive and/or desirable, but only time will truly tell.  So for me?  mmm... no

Ummmmmmmm.... have you looked at your avatar lately? check!

[HeatherR]

Thank you, that is very sweet of you to say, but my body outs me with a scary level of consistency.

[Tommi]

To be honest, most trans people that choose to undergo medical transition have always had atleast an inkling they were trans, well at least I did, but I spent years in denial trying to be a guy since according to my penis I was one; and yet the feeling that my body did not match my true gender was always there, but I just didn't know how to make things right until the Internet came about in the late 90s. And to answer your question, I was with some very beautiful women before I transitioned, and I never considered that I could be as pretty as any of them, and while I do love myself, I'm not into the thought of loving myself, however, I would not have transitioned if I wouldn't have been able to become somewhat passable and attractive.

I've not yet begun to transition, but I've been in the same boat, the SS Denial... I've always had these feelings, and just shoved them down and hid the crossdressing, etc.  Always thought they'd go away in time, but 40 yrs have gone by and they've not, so this year, I will be getting on HRT.

[RobynD]

I always knew i was feminine and that there was something wrong when I attempted to act too masculine.

Still, i think many people particularly maybe older than about 35 (and those that live in non-open cultures) had no idea what the feelings were exactly and how to address them. The information on what was called GID and is now GD, was very limited and information and exposure to transgender people was mixed up with a lot of other things and not very representative even then.

[Tommi]

I always knew i was feminine and that there was something wrong when I attempted to act too masculine.

Still, i think many people particularly maybe older than about 35 (and those that live in non-open cultures) had no idea what the feelings were exactly and how to address them. The information on what was called GID and is now GD, was very limited and information and exposure to transgender people was mixed up with a lot of other things and not very representative even then.

I'm 41... and I've been heavily involved in IT for many years, and the information that I came across for years pointed to me having Gender Dysphoria, but I never knew anything about transitioning.  There were no support sites, and it mainly seemed to be a porno fetish.  I wish I knew 20 years ago what I know now... it might have changed things.  But mostly I just felt that it was a condition to live with, and hide my embarrassing "fetishes" as it were...

I'm STILL working through years of integrated shame as I become more comfortable expressing my femininity. 

[Stevie]

  When I was 9 or 10 I wished I could be a girl I didn't care if I would be the ugliest girl in school as long as I was a girl.
  Back in the late 70's I heard about about women like Renee Richards and Wendy Carlos and wanted to do what they had done. I even had over 30K dollars in the bank in 1984 that I had some vague plan doing it, but I was unsure how to proceed and I was worried about losing my family they were all I had since I had long since estranged all my friends because it was so much stress putting on the act and I really was not interested in the same things they were anyway.
So now while I may not be pretty at least I am seen as the woman I am now.
Stephie

[KayXo]

It is possible for MtF transgender feelings to stem from a belief that our significant other does not live up to some physical "fantasy" or ideal?

In other words, might a man develop transgender feelings because he subconsciously wants to physically and/or mentally become the "ideal" woman he wishes he could be with?  And if so, is this a "good" reason for transition?

Interesting question and it might well be that we do this for this reason or only some do but even so, so what? The desire remains and we still want to transition so what's the point of understanding it at all? Anyone who seeks to understand it is usually keen on finding a "cure" to gender dysphoria but so far, the most effective one is transition.

[KristinaM]

There is no denying that my sexuality and gender identity are all wrapped up and tangled together.  I am a happier, more fulfilled, and better person now.  No matter the motivation behind it, transitioning was the right move for me.  I just came out at 33, but I wished to be a girl from a very young age.  It just wasn't until I discovered there was something that I could actually DO about it that I started acting on it.  I had previously just suppressed those feelings because I thought there was nothing I could do.  So I found the right woman for me, married, settled down, bought a house, had a baby, and then BAMPH, Caitlyn Jenner goes public and my world crumbles around me with possibilities and what-if's...

[abd789]

Thank you, that is very sweet of you to say, but my body outs me with a scary level of consistency.

[kittenpower]

Interesting question and it might well be that we do this for this reason or only some do but even so, so what? The desire remains and we still want to transition so what's the point of understanding it at all? Anyone who seeks to understand it is usually keen on finding a "cure" to gender dysphoria but so far, the most effective one is transition.

I think the  reason why someone seeks to transition matters because if someone makes physical irreversible changes based on a fantasy, there is a high probability that in time they will regret their decision.