Is it likely I will change my mind with transitioning?

[PeterSteele]

I'm writing this on my friends account so my friend that owns this account isn't really my age so don't think that but he allowed me on here. So..I'm 12 I'm turning 13 next month (June 13th) So I'm pretty much 13..WARNING THIS IS TRIGGER WARNING SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS TYPE OF STUFF THEN DON'T LOOK. Sorry just needed a disclaimer..Anyways..All my life living a female. I've never really but much thought in gender but I did feel so good for some reason when I put on male clothes. Like when I was 5 or 4 I wore my dad's clothes. I always saw s-x (Sorry I don't know whats allowed and not) was a straight couple strange because I knew that since I'm a girl I'd be the one you know getting penetrated. I felt strange about it and rather be the male doing it. Also when I was really young like 2,3,and 4. I always went around shirtless anytime I could. I never enjoyed putting on nice stuff. I also tried to show off to my mom and say I could pee like a man. I'd used to throw tantrums that my dad was allowed to go pretty much where he wanted to. Now...Back to present. In December 2014 my parents divorced. It slowly affected me. Soon it did become a depression weeks later. May 2015 I started to feel like being a girl sucked. I want to be a guy. As time progressed it got worse.. I'd cut and look at my feminine features and cry every night. Now 2016 it's much worse.. I can't stand hearing my birth name or female pronouns. I've attempted suicide twice. I don't understand if this is just depression messing with my mind or I'm actually a FTM. I want to be a guy so bad. I wear baggy shirts and jeans to hide my body. My high voice embarrasses me..I'd do anything to be a guy..But my mom on the other hand which she's the only person I've told her about this is saying it's just a phase. I understand how young teens (Adolescents) have these phases emo,goth,ect. And I know people can change their minds about this too. But I'm not sure if this is the case or not. When anyone calls me female pronouns or relates female things to me it feels like I'm being belittled 1,000 times. It hurts so bad,even though I know they don't know and there just saying who I am..A girl. I'm so confused cause my mom keeps saying its a phase but I don't want to be those teens like "MOM ITS NOT A PHASE" Like what most teens do. I'm not sure what to believe..But based on your opinion does this sound more likely that I won't change and this isn't a phase or vice verse? Also what do you think about all of this? Plus what should I do?

[Dena]

You are young enough that it's possible for your gender identity to switch but the odds favor it staying the same. Even if you were to grow out of it, you should still be seeing a therapist and preferably a gender therapist. As young as you are your body couldn't have had much feminine development and you are at the age where blockers would be most effective at preventing additional development and reducing dysphoria (the discomfort you feel).

You need to explain to your mother that you have severe depression, you have attempted suicide twice and you cut. All of these things in someone your age are very dangerous and you need to receive therapy. If your mother will not help you, possibly a school nurse consoler can help your mother change her mind.

Now the complicated part. The only one who can say for sure if you are FTM is you. No doctor, therapist or anybody else can. While I fit in the everybody else, you show every indication of being a FTM. Having divorced parents adds to the pressure but you would still be feeling this even if your parents were still together.

Something that might help you is when a person is transgender, this is something that happened before they were born. Their brain is different and nothing doctors can do will change it. Some people know as early as age 3. Others like me figure it out when we enter puberty and still outers much latter in life. There is nothing wrong with what you feel because you were born that way and it's not your fault you are this way.

I wrote a special letter for cases where parents will not listen, I am going to give you the link and you can decide if you want to use part or all of it.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,190312.0.html

[sparrow]

It's really tough to get the care we need no matter how old we are, and it's way harder for teenagers.  Are you seeing a gender-competent therapist?  Demand to see one.  You've attempted suicide twice already, this is serious.  We can't tell your future.  But if you can talk this over with a therapist who is familiar with the territory, they can help you determine whether or not a transition is appropriate, and connect you with the resources to transition (in your case, most likely, a referral to an endo for E blockers until you're 18).

[Meowt]

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, and I felt a lot of similar feelings at your age.

Self destructive behaviours (self harm, suicide attempts) are something you need to speak to a doctor about. While in the short term it may alleviate some pain, as you're older and recovered, there's a chance you'll be asked about 'those scars' and have to explain, which isn't comfortable.

Transitioning young isn't easy, I'll be honest, especially with parents, but if you ask your friends to call you a new name, or he, many people that age are more accepting than parents, surprisingly.

Although, I do recommend speaking to your parents about your feelings. The earlier you get things moving, the faster your transition will go. If they aren't supportive, showing that you are persistent, consistent and insistent that you are not the female they think you are, they'll begin to see that it isn't a phase.

Personally, I found it easier to speak to my friends before my parents, because I found that daunting. Once I had the support of my friends, whom I could confide in should something go wrong (it didn't) I had the confidence to tell my parents.

As far as wondering whether or not you'll 'change your mind', that's only something you can answer. Many trans people continue to have doubts like that, but the fact you're thinking that doesn't mean you will, it means you're thinking carefully about your future, which isn't a bad thing.

If you are happier with a male name, under male pronouns and if you would like a 'male' body - it is likely that you are trans.

Again, it's up to you to think things through and to work things out, but myself and the people on the forums here are here for support and advice.

[Laura_7]

Here is a resource that might help explain:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208438.msg1847638.html#msg1847638

here is another one... its quite emotional but shows a few questions cis people may have :

http://www.acceptingdad.com/2013/08/05/to-the-unicorns-dad/

I'd say try to find a helpful counselor ... someone experienced in transgender matters ...
or talk to a school counselor for a referral.
There are also online counselors.

Here is a vid with a few further thoughts:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208438.msg1847661.html#msg1847661

Try to get this sorted out and look for help.
It is not your fault, there is a biological explanation for being transgender.
This might help with self acceptance. Its simply a way people are.
No need for self aggression or whatever. You have a beautiful body that can be transformed to be more to your liking.

You have described a lot of features transgender people have.
Cis people usually do not have these thoughts.

And if people choose to stop transition its often because they put others before themselves.
I'd say listen to within and try to do what you feel makes you happy.
Other things lead to resentment over time.

You might contact lgbt organizations, plannedparenthood or PFLAG, via phone or email, and ask for counseling and a referral to a good gender therapist.

If you feel like it please reach out... there are helplines:
www.translifeline.org


hugs