[blithering] Can't get the hang of Thursdays (?)

[Asche]

Another emo day.  (Cf. my previous Thursday post.)

This morning, as I was getting the train into work, I was feeling some sort of transition anxiety.  This whole business of living as a woman is never going to work, it's simply impossible for the likes of me.  I'll go from being a space alien pretending to be a male Earth human (and only succeeding if nobody looks too closely) to being a space alien pretending to be a female Earth human (and not succeeding any better.)  I'll keep having to make my tentacles look sort of like arms and legs and keep my head covered so nobody sees the second face in the back of my head.  And when the E.T. moment comes, when the planet of tentacle people where I was born calls, instead of "come home," they'll say "drop dead!  We have 17 sexes and you aren't any good at being any of them!"

Plus, I keep feeling awful that I'm 62 already and will never have had a girlhood (which I suddenly feel is absolutely necessary or life isn't worth living.)  The real me (whoever he/she/it is) locked in carbonite for 62 years while some robot lived my life.

I'm dithering over when to notify HR that I'm  transitioning.  (They even have a guidelines document and everything!)  I'm convinced I'm going to notify them and then I'll crash and burn somehow.  I mean, I've been running around in a skirt and now even in a wig and jewelry (well, necklace), but I've never gone out saying to myself, "I'm a woman," and I'm afraid I'll never be able to.  I can't concentrate, I'm all over the place emotionally.  It's like I'm Alice falling down the rabbit hole and trying to find the white rabbit and I just realized I forgot my homework and I won't get it done on time!.  There are moments when I realize I've spaced out for a few minutes and not known where I am and then I have to figure out where and when I am.

And that's the news from Lake Woebegone, where all the women are men, all the men are women, and all the children are genderfluid.

[suzifrommd]

Can't do much about your emo days, but I can suggest a few things with HR.

You are not required to work within HR's guidelines. They are required to accept your gender presentation unconditionally.

You're entitled to start coming to work in a dress and they're not allowed to hassle you. You can tell them, "starting now, I'll be coming to work in gender-variant attire" and tell them nothing more. Then later, if you become more comfortable with being seen as a woman, you can say, "now I'm ready for you to call me <your femme name>". You don't have to say "I'm a woman now" until you're ready to.

[Asche]

You are not required to work within HR's guidelines. They are required to accept your gender presentation unconditionally.

I'm not worried about HR's reaction.  My employer is (or at least wants to be seen as) LGBT-friendly, and I work in what may be the most LGBT-friendly place in the world.  The presence of "guidelines" mainly means they've actually thought about transition and may even have experience, and I won't have to educate them from scratch.  (The guidelines document actually focusses entirely on what the company has to do -- and not do.)

I'm worried about me.  Once I notify HR, this "transition" business starts getting real.  I won't be able to pretend it's just little [deadname] playing dress-up in a corner of his bedroom any more.

And once I transition at work, I'll have to actually stand behind whatever presentation and representation I make.  This is scary stuff, at least for a little space alien who's used to getting by by not being noticed (or at least thinking he's not noticed.)

[suzifrommd]

I'm worried about me.  Once I notify HR, this "transition" business starts getting real.

Ah. I understand. Once you're out, you're ringing a bell that can't be unrung.

I had a similar crisis when trying to decide whether to start HRT and make permanent changes to my body. The issue is different but the dilemma is similar:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,126912.0