i'm In Trouble

[lindagrl]

i am in a crisis.  Everything seems to be going wrong.  Been trying so hard to make this new life work
and now i am really starting to regret it.  i've been frozen out of the local transgender society and nobody
tells me why, just silence and when i try to call the line goes dead and emails not answered or rejected
as spam.  i'm thick as a brick but i've got the message now.  It says on their website that everyone is welcome,
when it should say everyone but linda.  It really hurts me, i sorely need the company of my peers.
i must be a horrible person and my despair must be music to their ears.

We buried my fathers ashes today.  i had to wear a god awful suit and pretend that everything is okay
between my sister and i on one hand and my stepmom and my half brother when it's become a total mess and beyond repair.  Nothing but bitterness left.  Father was the glue.

i've still not recovered from the assault on me and i can't talk about it now on the rape site because i am so stupid
that i came out as transgender there and bingo all my supportive friends went silent and i became invisible.
The same thing happened on a news site i've been a member of for a very long time, i came out because a
member was posting trash about transgenders and bathrooms.  The owner asked me not to leave but i can't
post there anymore.  She was the only one who was supportive, the rest didn't bother.

i was dealing with all this and more that i won't bore you with but something happened tonight that sent
me over the edge.  i've been trying for months to have some intimacy between my wife and i but she never
wants to.  Our sex life if you could call it that has been me serving her orally, but she doesn't want it anymore,
doesn't need me in that way and it's just too much for me, i am not strong enough to handle this.
Having wild thoughts, suspecting she has a lover, feeling like an open useless sore, a pathetic waste of air.
i couldn't lay there beside her, didn't want her to hear me cry and said i was going to the bathroom.

i wish i had never gone down this road, it's ruining my life, i can't do this anymore.
Won't do anything selfish, our boy needs me, but i feel like there is no hope for me anymore.
It's just no good, seems like i can't go forward and can't go back.

[Ms Grace]

Hugs. I'm sorry to hear that you are being treated so badly by the people and connections in your life, people who you are relying on for support and understanding. They're the ones ruining your life by their attitude and behaviour. I can't speak to the reason for your apparent expulsion from the trans group, but regardless the leader/organiser of the group should be ashamed of themselves - an explanation is at least in order. I very much hope that things improve soon. Are you seeing a counsellor at the moment?

[Loved_PrincessMPLS]

::warmest hugs to you:: 

Linda,

I know what you're going through right now is tough, and I'd even go so far as to say that none of us can ever really relate to your situation because none of us have ever walked a step in your shoes. But you have to trust that there's light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how far off it may be.

I also agree that a reason or even some sort of "thanks but no thanks" letter is in order for why you've been ousted from these groups. Is there anyone you can contact within the community that you trust to at least get the "inside scoop" and bring closure to your pain?

As for your family, that's a balancing act that only you know how to walk the line. Have you considered family counseling?

Love to you and yours,

Princess

[lindagrl]

Hugs. I'm sorry to hear that you are being treated so badly by the people and connections in your life, people who you are relying on for support and understanding. They're the ones ruining your life by their attitude and behaviour. I can't speak to the reason for your apparent expulsion from the trans group, but regardless the leader/organiser of the group should be ashamed of themselves - an explanation is at least in order. I very much hope that things improve soon. Are you seeing a counsellor at the moment?

Been crying for three hours, am having a nervous breakdown or something.
i have an appointment with my gender therapist on may 17 and two days layer
i am to see my gender psychologist, the head of the program.  It's come a time
that i will starting HRT and the way i'm feeling now i can't do it.
i don't know Grace, this can't all be coincidence i must have earned this somehow.
Thank you for your kind words

[Loved_PrincessMPLS]

I know where I live in the Minneapolis-St.Paul, Minnesota, area we have 24-hour-a-day hotlines for crisis management and even texting services that you can text somebody to talk to about your feelings.

Does your area offer anything like this? If so, it might be worth checking into so that you can talk to a live person and free yourself of this grief that is consuming you.

Hugs,

Princess

[lindagrl]

::warmest hugs to you:: 

Linda,

I know what you're going through right now is tough, and I'd even go so far as to say that none of us can ever really relate to your situation because none of us have ever walked a step in your shoes. But you have to trust that there's light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how far off it may be.

I also agree that a reason or even some sort of "thanks but no thanks" letter is in order for why you've been ousted from these groups. Is there anyone you can contact within the community that you trust to at least get the "inside scoop" and bring closure to your pain?

As for your family, that's a balancing act that only you know how to walk the line. Have you considered family counseling?

Love to you and yours,

Princess

Maybe there is a light ahead but i can't see it.
i don´t know anyone in the group except the vice foreman and she was the first to close the door on me.
Asked my gender psychologist if he knew of any way to reach them but he shook his head.  i don't want
to repeat what he said in any more detail though, confidentiality swings both ways in my opinion.
i know why they don't answer my emails, they don't want any traceable evidence of their treatment of me.
i am so tired
ty for responding Princess, appreciate it

[lindagrl]

I know where I live in the Minneapolis-St.Paul, Minnesota, area we have 24-hour-a-day hotlines for crisis management and even texting services that you can text somebody to talk to about your feelings.

Does your area offer anything like this? If so, it might be worth checking into so that you can talk to a live person and free yourself of this grief that is consuming you.

Hugs,

Princess

Yes there is a hotline but it's very hard to trust someone now.
this is my last refuge, here at Susan's

[Loved_PrincessMPLS]

Yes there is a hotline but it's very hard to trust someone now.
this is my last refuge, here at Susan's

Well, you're definitely in a safe spot among good people 

Take all the time you need to vent and let it out -- I'll do my best to respond, as I'm sure others will, too.

[lindagrl]

This pain is killing me, but oh how grateful i am to still be wanted here.
Thank you Princess, you are very kind, kinder than i am.
i despise myself, i really am fed up with me, with all my failures.
Just want to sleep but i am hanging on because i have to.
i don't know, i don't know anything anymore except i am transgender
and i feel cursed.

[lindagrl]

For decades i have been sedating myself with Cannabis but i haven't used it for a week now.
Have stopped many times for others, the longest being 3 years but now i have had my fill of it,
it's not worth the cost anymore if it ever was.  It's calling me like crazy now but i won't do it,
i want to feel all the pain, get all that's coming to me.  The realization that i am transgender
made me want it out of my life for good, so that's one positive thing this journey has brought me.
Guess i did see a little glimmer of a light in that statement.  Hopeless romantic me i say.

Since i was little i have been ab, i've never understood why but it's likely to do with being
in the wrong body, a coping mechanism.  It's been my most closely guarded secret but i don't
care anymore who knows, have no pride left.  Ain't i a beaut

[suzifrommd]

this is my last refuge, here at Susan's

Well, it's a wonderfully supportive site with terrific people, but it's far from your last hope. The world is full of terrible things but also wonderful opportunities, but in times of crisis our focus can narrow to the point that we feel trapped and hopeless.

Linda, I would encourage you to look for the strength inside yourself. As a human and as a woman, you have amazing strength inside of you, but when times get tough it's often easy to lose sight of it and to believe the messages we get from an uncaring world.

You are beautiful, important, special, and valuable, but other people will not be able to get you to see that. Only you have that ability (though we can be there, we can listen, and we can tell you what we see).

And please be good to yourself when dealing with the trauma resulting from your assault. You've been through an awful time and you deserve kindness not just from others but from yourself. Take care of yourself the way you would a precious child. You deserve that much and more.

[lindagrl]

Thank you so much  Suzi.  That was a beautiful inspiring message you wrote.
i was able to sleep a few hours and my wife and i are intent on getting back to
a better plan for both of us and our boy.  i was just so scared, i thought i was
going to lose it all and freaked out.  i am sometimes complaining of my wife
but she is a blessing, her love is true and strong but of course she has her own
worries and ways.  With her by my side i feel i can do anything.
i want to read your message over a few times and take it all in.
Am still in crisis but now i can see hope because my precious wife loves me still.
This place means a lot to me too.  i am big football fan and my team is playing right
now in a playoff fight and i find that i am only mildly interested, other things much
more important.
Thanks again that was very thoughtful of you.