How Did You Come Out to Your Loved One, With Alzheimer’s?

[Tristyn]

I'm asking because my mom has dementia and because of that she really can't remember a lot of things as well as she used to. I just got off the phone with her, cause I call her every Sunday to see if she's ok. Been doing that since Mother's Day of last year. It ended quite painfully, but I can't even be angry with her or hate her for it because of the dementia and because all she has ever known me to be is a girl with a very feminine name she thought of in remembrance of her favorite film of all time and a couple of other things. She kept calling me my dead name and then she called me baby girl. :/ I mean, what can I say to that? Keep in mind she has dementia.

I just wish I never knew myself to be trans. I was miserable, but now that I know why, it's like this sort of thing really gets under my skin and nothing can be done about it, it seems. Even with a deepened voice and full beard, my mom and dad will only see a daughter...never a son. Perhaps this is especially true for the black community. It just feels so invalidating. Anyone else out there experiencing this same issue? Like you have someone in your life you would love to come out to, but they have a type of Alzheimer's preventing you from doing so?

I just don't have the boldness to break her heart in her old age like that. I even did tell her once what my preferred name was but it's like she forgot the next week. I don't have the balls (no pun intended) to even correct her. She has Alzheimer's. I know this is a conversation I need to have with my therapist, but who out there can relate with this? I know it's easy for others who do not have loved ones with Alzheimer's to assume I should just not care and tell her I am a man but it's just not that simple.

[Deborah]

My mother had dementia too.  My recommendation is to let it be.  If her dementia is like my mother's then her long term memory from many years ago is still there, at least in fragments.  Her short term memory and understanding of the present is gone, or if it isn't gone yet it will be.  Pushing this will get you nowhere and will only confuse and upset her.


Sapere Aude

[Elis]

I think it's best not to tell her. It's less stressful for you and her. My nan has memory problems (no diagnosis of dementia as of yet) but I'm never going to tell her because she'll never be able to comprehend it or remember pronouns and my new name. I wish I could tell her; but I can't which I have to live with. I don't want to cause upset and confusion seeing as she probably won't live much longer. I know she still loves me which is enough.

[arice]

There are no easy answers. You will have to decide what you can live with and whether you can handle still being seen as her daughter.
I am sorry that you are going through this. Dementia is horrible because you lose the relationship before you physically lose the person.
You will have to decide whether she is capable of understanding (and remembering) your identity. If she isn't, then you are probably better off trying to enjoy your time with her in whatever capacity you can. Depending on the progress of her dementia, there may come a time when she doesn't recognize you at all... at that point, you can be a nice young man who comes to visit.
My aunt has worked in a dementia ward for almost 40 years. She has always told me that the hardest part for the patient is when they know that they have dementia and the hardest part for the family is when the patient no longer remembers them. The families that do best with that are the ones that can "let go" of the past and treat each day as a gift whatever it brings.
I don't know what stage your mom is at but my thoughts are with you and your family.

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[Tristyn]

Thank you for the replies everyone. They were very helpful and made me realize that it would be best to never tell her about my trans identity. Maybe before her dementia, if only I knew what the hell I was, I would have told her. I came so close to finding out in my teenage years but kept telling myself, "Nah. Anything but a ->-bleeped-<-." Now, I know better and I also know how derogatory that thought was.

I wish I would have known sooner. I feel within my heart that my mom would have backed me up. My dad is as stubborn as a mule. Maybe more stubborn. I am so scared of how he may react to my therapist tomorrow and after the appointment. My therapist is going to be my voice and say to him the things that have been running wild in my mind since I existed. I hope my dad won't evict me.

Anyways, I want to go spend lots of quality time with my mom in the summer, if everything goes right. I don't know how much longer she will be around. I'm so scared. But, yeah, I will never try to tell her I am trans or even my preferred name ever again. She's been through enough hell in her life.

[sparrow]

Yeah... you've got to make a call here: balance your needs with her abilities.  She can't remember.  If she's intolerant, it'll only get worse with time, and eventually, you'll have to out yourself to her every time you see her.  You deal with getting misgendered by strangers on a daily basis.  Add her to the list of people it's not worth fighting.

I had to make this call a few weeks ago.  My aunt was dying of cancer, and I hadn't come out to her yet.  Rather than teach her a new name and pronouns on her deathbed, I told her that I loved her and focused on being present with her.

This is going to get harder the longer she survives.  If you're on T, she won't recognize your voice or your face.  If you're lucky, she'll call you her brother's name or something.  For a long time, my grandma would call my dad by his oldest brother's name.  Later on, she started calling him by her brother's name.  Now she doesn't even recognize people.  She's been like this for over 10 years... and in that time, 3 of her kids have died. 

[Tristyn]

Yeah... you've got to make a call here: balance your needs with her abilities.  She can't remember.  If she's intolerant, it'll only get worse with time, and eventually, you'll have to out yourself to her every time you see her.  You deal with getting misgendered by strangers on a daily basis.  Add her to the list of people it's not worth fighting.

I had to make this call a few weeks ago.  My aunt was dying of cancer, and I hadn't come out to her yet.  Rather than teach her a new name and pronouns on her deathbed, I told her that I loved her and focused on being present with her.

This is going to get harder the longer she survives.  If you're on T, she won't recognize your voice or your face.  If you're lucky, she'll call you her brother's name or something.  For a long time, my grandma would call my dad by his oldest brother's name.  Later on, she started calling him by her brother's name.  Now she doesn't even recognize people.  She's been like this for over 10 years... and in that time, 3 of her kids have died. 

Ah, Sparrow. I offer you my most sincerest condolences. I'm very sorry you've had to watch the declination of your aunt's and grandmother's health, and then to see some of her children pass away. That is very hard. I respect your decision to withhold your identity from them because you knew it was for the best and the love you have for them is much stronger than your need to be out. I really admire that.

You're definitely right. I will have to accept things as they are and just keep being there for my mom for as long as I can. It won't be easy or pleasant in some ways, but I know it is for the best to keep silent on these trans issues. Sometimes it's best if some people, including your family, never know who you really are. Things happen that take priority over coming out and for me, my mom's well-being is surely a priority for me.

[Denise]

I'm about to make the same call.  My mom is just starting to lose here memory and I only see her once or twice per year.  (I know - bad child.)

I'm the absolute LAST person I thought who would ever quote something religious, but:
   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
   Courage to change the things I can,
   And wisdom to know the difference.

I'll let you decide which this is.

My sister and I talked and we decided that I look like I did when I was in high school so I don't think I'm going to tell her.  The challenge is my dad is still sharp and no idiot.

[Tristyn]

I'm about to make the same call.  My mom is just starting to lose here memory and I only see her once or twice per year.  (I know - bad child.)

I'm the absolute LAST person I thought who would ever quote something religious, but:
   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
   Courage to change the things I can,
   And wisdom to know the difference.

I'll let you decide which this is.

My sister and I talked and we decided that I look like I did when I was in high school so I don't think I'm going to tell her.  The challenge is my dad is still sharp and no idiot.

Hi PJ.

I'm really sorry about your mom too. If it makes you feel any better, I don't see my mom much either. But it really can't be helped because we live in different parts of the states. She stays in Texas and I stay in Florida. I plan to catch a plane to Texas and visit her during the summer.

I hope you get to see your mom much more often very soon. This is such a painful process for me to deal with and I am sure it hasn't been any easier for you either.

Also, thank you for that encouraging bit that you quoted earlier. I really liked that and I am not religious at all. But either way, it was very heartwarming to read.