Can You Be Out With Your Gender Expression But Not Out With Gender Identity?

[Tristyn]

Is it possible to be out in your gender expression but not out with your gender identity? I am way too frightened to come out to my family more than coming out to anyone else. The only one who has done their absolute best to accept me as I truly am is a brother of mine. As masculine as I present myself, you would think that me coming out as a transman would never surprise most people, but I don't think that is the case with my family.

Like yesterday I spoke with an aunt whom I haven't spoken with for ages from my dad's side. My dad said she really wanted to talk with me and I didn't want to be rude and not call her. As soon as I called she asked, "Is this (insert dead name here)?" To which I replied with a sad "yes."

But I immediately followed it up with, "but I would rather you call me Phoenix." She was all like why, your name is so pretty?! You don't like your name?! I said no, that's not it, I think my 'name' (referring to dead name) is also pretty but I do not want it associated with me anymore. And she painfully admitted that she could not associate me with the name I feel most comfortable with, which is, of course, Phoenix.

I was hurt until I realized her attempt to address me as Phoenix right away and admitted that it would take her time to get used to it. I think like much of my other family, she is so used to my dead name and that is why she made that comment. Not out of disrespect. But I am too afraid to go further and say that I am really a man with a girl's body. My whole family seems so orthodox and Christian. There just is no hope being able to freely be me in their presence.

So I really just wanna cut everyone off. But my dad keeps trying to get me to be with family. He even said one time that he had a sister of mine come surprise me with an unexpected visit so she could "straighten out my ways from this new phase I'm going through." Well, apparently his little plan failed cause it's been almost two months since she left and I am still a man in a woman's body.

[Ms Grace]

Generally when you do that other people confuse gender expression with sexual identity. So for FTM people who are expressing masculine gender but are not out as male most people will presume they are lesbian/butch. (MTF who do that are usually seen as gay.) If you're fine with people making those assumptions about you and misgendering you then go for it.

[arice]

I have always been obvious with my masculine gender expression (seriously since I was a little kid). My gender identity is/was a different story. I made a conscious choice in my teens to keep it a secret because I thought I would never be able to transition anyway... I have also always been open about being a "guy who happened to be female" but most cis people I know never really understood that to mean I was transgendered... and I didn't enlighten them. Sometimes I think that is because society has a lot of room for masculine presenting women. It is only during the past year or so that I have acknowledged a deep need to transition. The only person IRL who knows that is my husband.

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[Tristyn]

Generally when you do that other people confuse gender expression with sexual identity. So for FTM people who are expressing masculine gender but are not out as male most people will presume they are lesbian/butch. (MTF who do that are usually seen as gay.) If you're fine with people making those assumptions about you and misgendering you then go for it.

Ms Grace, I am not ok with being misgendered and mistaken as something I am not at all. Even when I try to tell strangers that I am a sir, I am usually met with a very painful silence, especially over the phone if they cannot see me, or an exaggerated "ooooooook."

And then they will go right back to ma'aming me as if I am just some crazy person who doesn't know what he's talking about. I mean, how do you get people to really respect what you want when they just outright refuse to? Like my dad. I can't get him to ever call me Phoenix...ever. The weird thing is that he told some hospital staff that I like to be called Phoenix because I was unresponsive at the time. Yeah, I don't get him.

This is a huge reason why I feel hormones will really make a difference in my life and why I am so hellbent on getting them.

[Ms Grace]

Ms Grace, I am not ok with being misgendered and mistaken as something I am not at all. Even when I try to tell strangers that I am a sir, I am usually met with a very painful silence, especially over the phone if they cannot see me, or an exaggerated "ooooooook."

I expected that you weren't. So you have an answer to your question. You're not OK with being misgendered, so unless you are out with your gender identity that is most likely going to happen, no matter how much you express your gender identity as male.

[Elis]

Like Grace said unfortunately if a AFAB person dresses masculine people will assume they're a lesbian. I understand that you're family won't accept you (most likely; always hope) but it's probably best to simply rip the band aid off and explain everything to them; especially because you're going to be on T soon and they'll notice the changes. Otherwise they'll continue to be confused and not realise you don't have any choice in being who you really are. At least that's what I did for my family but I'm not close to them at all yet it'll make the upcoming family reunion a little less awkward.

Also because Phoenix is quite an unusual name it's probably makes it extra hard for people to accept that as your real name. Whether that be family or whoever you meet. So you'll probably have to get used to that unfortunately :/.

[Tristyn]

It's almost impossible for me to come out to family or anyone against LGBT issues. None of them are for it. I have a cousin and step sister who are lesbians, but they seem to be more acceptable. My step mom was trying to at least call me by my nickname, but I think under my dad's influence of disrespect, she went back to calling me my dead name. I'm not mad at her for that. I am angry at my dad for his overwhelming pride, stubbornness and narcissism. You cannot ever hope to carry a conversation with someone who continues to tell you to shut up and they don't want to hear it. I really do just want to cut all my family off, except a select few.