I kind of hope this lasts

[AnamethatstartswithE]

So the weekend of the 16th/17th I was so dysphoric and distraught that it would actually become physically painful. That Monday morning I realized that it was mostly feeling abject terror at the thought of transitioning. Since then I've felt so calm and at peace that it's disturbing me a little, I keep thinking the other shoe is about to drop.

The calmness has allowed me to think some more, and I realize that there are certain things that I'd like to do in life that wouldn't take too long, and would be difficult if not impossible if I transition. Hopefully this will be enough to tide me over. I think I'll wait another week or two just to be sure before I make any real plans, but hopefully this is a way forwards.

Even before I let the T-nie out of the bottle, I would go through these phases where I'd feel awful and depressed, and then it would suddenly just clear, like clouds breaking and I'd wonder what the fuss was about, before it would slowly creep back in. I've never really kept track of it, but it does seem like it's a 3-4 week cycle. I've wondered before if maybe I'm actually intersex and I'm not so much dysphoric as PMSing. Though that's probably just wishful thinking, since I was a kid I've often fantasized about the doctor finding some medical reason that I had to transition.

anyway, I'm enjoying the quiescence.

[Ms Grace]

I hope it lasts for you too. But the thing to remember is that, if it is cyclic for you, the next time you feel anxious and depressed those feelings won't last. The calmness comes back. The happiness returns. Are you keeping track of maybe what makes you drop into the down cycle, or what it is that helps you get out of the downer and into the up cycle? I used to be fairly cyclic up and down, over time I was able to make the downs last shorter and not be so deep. Used to be a downer would last for weeks, nowadays it's usually no more than a day when it does happen.

[AnamethatstartswithE]

So not quite a month has gone by. I was actually quite calm and content for that period. I think I was pushing myself towards transition too much, when I took off the pressure I was a lot more relaxed. I'm getting into this annoying thing where I start to think "hey this isn't so bad, transitioning is something that may not need to happen for years" but then I start getting upset with myself about that, when I start trying to work out longer term plans I start worrying about how that will affect my ability to transition when I finally need to. Yet I seem to be unable to get myself to actually make any real steps forwards. I think I like the idea of becoming female, but I don't actually want to go through the procedures. I'm not sure what this means for me. From the beginning I've worried that I might be pushing myself into this, and I've been afraid that maybe I'm borderline and that I won't find happiness with transitioning, or with staying as I am.

I've never had social dysphoria, but I also feel like I'm hiding a big part of who I am from everyone around me. Even if I end up not transitioning, letting go of all of the shame and self loathing I had while I was in denial has improved my quality of life greatly. I want to be able to share why I've become so much happier with those around me. It's kind of like being a character in one of those movies where some kid gets transported to some fantasy world where they save the day and fix the problems in their life, but once they get back they can't tell anyone about it without everyone thinking they're crazy.

Anybody else ever feel this way?

[autumn08]

So not quite a month has gone by. I was actually quite calm and content for that period. I think I was pushing myself towards transition too much, when I took off the pressure I was a lot more relaxed. I'm getting into this annoying thing where I start to think "hey this isn't so bad, transitioning is something that may not need to happen for years" but then I start getting upset with myself about that, when I start trying to work out longer term plans I start worrying about how that will affect my ability to transition when I finally need to. Yet I seem to be unable to get myself to actually make any real steps forwards. I think I like the idea of becoming female, but I don't actually want to go through the procedures. I'm not sure what this means for me. From the beginning I've worried that I might be pushing myself into this, and I've been afraid that maybe I'm borderline and that I won't find happiness with transitioning, or with staying as I am.

You might never live full time as female, and still live a content life, as it may never be worth it for you do so, but to maintain your content state, you need to constantly move towards your ideal situation. Plan on doing something small in the near future, which will make you happy (having electrolysis on some of your body hair?). As you move closer to your ideal situation, your future will become more apparent.

I've never had social dysphoria, but I also feel like I'm hiding a big part of who I am from everyone around me. Even if I end up not transitioning, letting go of all of the shame and self loathing I had while I was in denial has improved my quality of life greatly. I want to be able to share why I've become so much happier with those around me. It's kind of like being a character in one of those movies where some kid gets transported to some fantasy world where they save the day and fix the problems in their life, but once they get back they can't tell anyone about it without everyone thinking they're crazy.

Anybody else ever feel this way?

I haven't told most of the people I know that I'm transgender, but I'm also not hiding it. To not fall into old habits, I make sure not to put on an act around them, and if they ask me any questions, I just tell them that it's what I like or who I am.

In essence, I'm telling them that I'm transgender, without the baggage of label. When I have a better idea of where I'm going with this though, I will openly own the label, because if I didn't, I would feel cowardly for not showing solidarity with the transgender community.

[Denise]

I too had major panic attacks - one right after leaving my therapist and immediately made another appointment for the next day. 

I figured out was was causing it for me.
1) unrealistic expectations - I was watching TV and thought "I could never look like that."  No kidding - no one looks like that.
2) I was transitioning too fast - I changed my personal time-scale from "Full time this coming winter" to "Stay as I am until I just can't possible pass as male anymore."  My plan now is to come out and people's response will be "it's about freak'n time!"

Ever since I figured it out - I've been smiling all the time.  Now, if I could just do something with my hair and get this make-up put on right....

[Obfuskatie]

I too had major panic attacks - one right after leaving my therapist and immediately made another appointment for the next day. 

I figured out was was causing it for me.
1) unrealistic expectations - I was watching TV and thought "I could never look like that."  No kidding - no one looks like that.
2) I was transitioning too fast - I changed my personal time-scale from "Full time this coming winter" to "Stay as I am until I just can't possible pass as male anymore."  My plan now is to come out and people's response will be "it's about freak'n time!"

Ever since I figured it out - I've been smiling all the time.  Now, if I could just do something with my hair and get this make-up put on right....

Get thee to a Sephora or MAC counter! I learned more from a half hour session than I did from YouTube. Although I learned a lot from hours of watching Wayne Goss' makeup tutorial channel. Makeup took me a while to learn, but I was recently paid the best compliment from the cisgender wife of my boyfriend's coworker, where she commented that I did my makeup better than she could. Moments like those come sometimes, and they really make all the difficulty of transition worth it.

I get panic attacks too, I have anti-anxiety meds I take if they get really bad. Or, I'll wear my eye mask and listen to an audiobook if it's keeping me from sleeping. Also, marijuana (indica) relaxes me, if not knocking me out for the count altogether. The few times that I was so anxious I couldn't sleep for almost a week, pot was the miraculous cure.

[Tessa James]

Though that's probably just wishful thinking, since I was a kid I've often fantasized about the doctor finding some medical reason that I had to transition.

It's kind of like being a character in one of those movies where some kid gets transported to some fantasy world where they save the day and fix the problems in their life, but once they get back they can't tell anyone about it without everyone thinking they're crazy.

Anybody else ever feel this way?

I think quite a few people think and feel that way.  I accidentally stumbled upon a book genre that caters to just that idea.  Men or boys in this realm are often magically turned into girls and women by their wives, girl friend or some external force.  I started reading one before I realized this was not autobiographical or serious work.  I consider them to be kind of fetishistic entertainment but surely they float someones boat.

[AnamethatstartswithE]

I think quite a few people think and feel that way.  I accidentally stumbled upon a book genre that caters to just that idea.  Men or boys in this realm are often magically turned into girls and women by their wives, girl friend or some external force.  I started reading one before I realized this was not autobiographical or serious work.  I consider them to be kind of fetishistic entertainment but surely they float someones boat.

I think fantasy might have been a bad word choice. I know a lot of people here would pray that they would wake up the proper gender. For me I would concoct elaborate narratives where I had to be female. Either I'd be in some sort of witness protection program, or a disease or whatnot. I think I was just so ashamed of wanting to be female that I wanted a way to do it without anyone knowing that that's what I wanted.

I really wish there was a blood test or something you could take so I could just say "hey the doctor says my femme levels are over 100 so I have to transition, it's science."

also about the second quote this is what I was thinking,

[Rachel]

I hope you are seeing a good gender therapist. It sounds like you would transition if told by a doctor it is what you need to do. Well a doctor will not tell you to transition. Only you can decide to transition. Being female is more difficult than male. Being trans and transitioning is scary at each step but then it feels right and is something that becomes the norm.
Every accomplishment I make builds my agency and resiliency. I have yet to meet a trans that wants to be trans. I have meet many trans that feel much more comfortable transitioning than prior.

[autumn08]

also about the second quote this is what I was thinking,

I know what you mean. What I was trying to convey was that if don't want to feel like you're hiding the fact that you saved a kingdom, and you don't want to tell anyone that you saved a kingdom, try unabashedly acting like you saved a kingdom. In other words, you could tell people whose opinion you care about that you're transgender, without using the term, by adding elements of your feminine side into your interaction (or you can keep quite, if this feeling isn't bothering you enough).

Also, as PJ points out, if you do decide to come out, taking this step would make coming out smoother.

Regardless, if you have any inclination to transition, but you don't know where you're headed yet, you should start experimenting.