Hello.

[emo shaman]

Okay I'm terrible at into posts and most interactions in general so I apologize in advance for my awkwardness.   My name's Garth (yeah my legal name as of ten years), I'm ftm and I'll be thirty in two months and I can't think of anything more depressing than that really lol.   I've been out as trans since October of 2004 but I haven't started my physical transition until about four months ago.  I made the mistake of coming out in a dangerous place during a time where alpt of people were just finding out about trans people.   I came out in an isolated place in northern Michigan and to this day I regret not waiting til I made it to the west coast to come out.   The best way to explain my early trans years without saying too much to trigger my PTSD it was pretty parallel to Boys Don't Cry except I don't get the release of death I have to live the rest of my life span remembering all the crap I've been through.   I used to take pride in my identity in being trans but the last twelve years really did alot to suck the pride out of me.  I should feel like I've succeeded now that I've finally started testosterone but honestly I feel nothing but defeat because I really don't think my body is taking to the t and since gaining thirty pounds last year that I'm too disabled to lose so my body just outs me immediately so I really can't even go out in public anymore and after things that have happened I'm just terrifyed of any other human being.   I know it's probably nonstandard to write out such a depressing intro post but it's kinda my last ditch efforts to reach out for support from the trans community because to tell you the truth I'm starting to lose the fight to want to live especially during all these anti trans laws going around.   I haven't been able to go on my Facebook because I just can't bear another story about someone who was mistreated for being trans.  I can't read articles about the bathroom issue because people are equating trans people to pedophiles and sex offenders.   I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I'm a survivor of rape more times than I can count so it straight up enrages me to be compared to those who have harmed me.  I'm just really coming unwound over all this and a part of me is telling me that schizophrenia and testosterone don't mix but really I'll be damned if I let my schizophrenia build another wall between me and my dreams.  Every dream and goal I ever have had in life has been destroyed and transition really is the last thing I have one earth to try to accomplish and I'm just really scared that I won't make it to see the day everyone else sees me as male.  Yeah if anyone has read to this far thanks much, I know people hate hearing my thoughts but I'm just at such a low point in my life that I'm trying to seek any advice I can get.

[Ms Grace]

Hey Garth!

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

I wouldn't worry about the tone of your post - plenty of people start here feeling down and defeated and their intro posts reflect that. Hopefully the support from the forum can help change that for you.

Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...

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Cheers

Grace

[arice]

Hello Garth.
You sound like an extremely courageous man and I look forward to getting to know you here. The antitrans backlash is tough for all of us so I can only imagine how much worse it is for a survivor of repeated assaults.
I hope this site can bring you some comfort and even joy.

Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk

[Laura_7]

Hello and welcome 

This is a brochure by a reputable source, the british National Health Service:
http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf

There are studies showing being transgender has biological connections, to do with brain development before birth. There are differences in brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible, in various stages. Imo thats why there is a transgender spectrum, i.e. from crossdressers to people wanting to transition.

So its how people really feel, its nobodys fault, and its nothing to be ashamed of. It might help with self acceptance, and it might help cis peole understand. Transgender people have been around in all cultures... it simply is how people feel.
Apart from gender issues transgender people are people like everbody else, with normal needs and cravings.

Well I'd say stay away from too much news for now ... it will recede eventually. You might unsubscribe some news cannels for a while.

You could aks for counseling with an experienced gender therapist to help you find out what you want...

You might think about a good gender therapist... not a gatekeeper but a supportive person to help you along...
if they are not supportive you might look for another...
you might ask at trans groups, plannedparenthood, a lgbt center or PFLAG for a referral...

and there are also online therapists.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html

If its connected with depressions it might be covered.
And you should also look for a therapist to help with other issues.


You might also look for transgender support groups or meetups in your place.

and if you feel like it please reach out ... there are helplines, you can call here for example:
www.glbthotline.org/hotline.html
they also have a chat

www.translifeline.org


many *hugs*

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am not sure how you started T but if it was through Informed Consent, you should consider seeing a therapist. It's common for us to have emotional baggage from our past life and therapy is the best way to deal with it. I commonly see people in much the same place you are come to the site and then have a few months of therapy before starting hormones. The other thing that would help you is to avoid the news as much as possible until therapy starts working. I transitioned 33 years ago and have seen many things including somebody I knew murdered. Common sense will return or the news will move onto to the next big item of the day and these stories will fade into the past.

You are at the point in the transition were it's common to hit a low. The good side is if you keep working at it, there is no place to go but up. For me after surgery I have had hard times but I enjoy living life. That is possible for you as well.

[V M]

Hi Garth 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[HappyMoni]

Hi Garth,

I am sorry to hear that you are in such pain. We all have a story to tell. Don't be ashamed to tell yours. I have found this place to be safe and full of warm, helpful people. It helps me a lot. I hope you will stay around and find your place. See you around I hope.
Moni

[Devlyn]

Hi Garth, welcome to Susan's Place! You're going to meet lots of nice people here. See you around the boards. 

Hugs, Devlyn